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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 9
NonPiuTormento
♂ New Member
Member # 38087
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only in my early thirties but my friend, who was recently elected to our state legislature, is already trying to hook me up with his early twenties interns. I have to admit that the thought is tempting but I'm pretty sure that's not what I'll be looking for when I do get to a place where I want to date.

That's where I was going with this. But I'm thinking, if the situation presents itself, I doubt that I would shy away, as long as it was understood that it was going to be for fun only, not necessarily searching for a long term deal. I'm months away from even being in the arena, but I'm still curious about what's in store from the younger gals these days.

[This message edited by NonPiuTormento at 9:23 AM, January 24th (Thursday)]


"Banana puddin' and rough sex." -Phil Robertson

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's where I was going with this. But I'm thinking, if the situation presents itself, I doubt that I would shy away, as long as it was understood that it was going to be for fun only, not necessarily searching for a long term deal. I'm months away from even being in the arena, but I'm still curious about what's in store from the younger gals these days.

If it's anything like what was in store from the younger gals when I was young enough to not feel bad about dating them, probably nothing but trouble.


Posts: 1316 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm months away from even being in the arena, but I'm still curious about what's in store from the younger gals these days.
Pretty much the same thing that's always been in store, just the displays are much more public. Pretty sure women have always felt pretty much the same things about sex. There was a time when flashing at Mardi Gras was something that a few girls did to stand out and be noticed, while most of the others were more modest. As that became more common, it became socially acceptable among women to do so, so the types that used to do that to attract attention have moved on, and now you have the phenomenon of some completely straight women with no interest at all in other women, making out with other women just to get attention. Publicly it may look like things have changed a lot, but unless you are planning on exhibitionist fantasies, once you get in private it is pretty much the same as it always was.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, January 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TT update

When picking up my kids last week they told me stbxw was mean and raging at them. She's really load so while waiting by my car my neighbor of 20 years walked out his door. I wrote down my cell number and asked him to call me if he notices anything unusual. Its then that he gives me a blank stare. I said what is it? He then proceeds to tell me that he has seen a 'guy' several times who leaves before sun up .

Well.

The lies and TT continue. The fuckbag mom has not only been nailing my wife for almost 2 years, she also has has him in my fucking house in my fucking bed.

The d is progressing. She won't leave my house but I've stopped giving her cash. Grocery store gift cards. When I did this the first time, she went into a rage and I mean full psycho.

I hate this unremorseful bitch!!!!


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
greg888995
♂ Member
Member # 29244
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The title was "Men Who Cheat Send Flowers, Women Give Blowjobs". The whole chapter was about explaining the womens thought processes behind this. Essentially, blowjobs were a way to keep the guy being cheated on on the hook, while not really cheating on their AP, and would be thrown in whenever the guy was able to detach too much for the WW to feel comfortable.

Now don't get me wrong, I am a fan of blowjobs. Just a change in the oral/vaginal ratio is a huge warning sign.

Is this true?

Since New Years Day, FWW started giving me weekly blowjobs (no vaginal sex since before new years). Now, I'm a fan of oral and until I saw the above post did not think twice about it (other than "yee haw").

Should I be worried or am I just overthinking?


Me - BH (47)
Her - FWW (46)
Married 17 years
Together 19 years
3 kids
DDay #1 - 12/8/09 (EA)
DDay #2 - 12/18/09 (PA)
A ended - 2/21/10
R'ed - 2/19/11

Posts: 540 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Metro DC
wert
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Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Either way if that is your thing take what you get for now. Outside of that, is everything else in R going well? Perhaps keep and eye out. I think the key to that kind of behavior is to not let it blind you.

My W has done this since the discovery of her A, well since she pulled her head out of her ass, but we talked about it and she says she wants to in an attempt to make it up. I understand it's not possible, but I am enjoying the effort. It has not altered my feelings for her. I don't see it as her being great, I just enjoy it.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My W has done this since the discovery of her A,


I've noticed the same thing from mine. They all read from the same book, I believe.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Brandon808
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Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

greg,
From your post it seems like the weekly bj's coincided with vaginal sex ending. Yeah, I'm afraid the two together would be a big red flag.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3364 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Greg... didn't OM sign up for your wife's running class like a month before new years?

Dunno what happened with that but.. wtf happened with that?


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7101 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
wert
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Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Greg-

Yeah the questions Brandon and SG ask are important. Straight sex has not ended with the BJ's for me, sometime they are coupled together - which is a major difference between us. My 3rd spider sense would be looking out given all the factors.

I would add - don't assume the worst, but the old staying - trust but verify is very merited given all the available data + history you have.


64-

I've noticed the same thing from mine. They all read from the same book, I believe.

I don't know about that, but there are threads of commonalities among all WS. My W as been pretty good in the remorse department and is talking in emotional terms, trying to figure out how to process her feelings effectively. We are talking about those things as she/we learn together. Given those things are true and stay true, blow away I say. I had often wondered how many WW did that sort of thing.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
greg888995
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Member # 29244
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

didn't OM sign up for your wife's running class like a month before new years

Yep. May be time to reinstall keystroke logger and put the VAR back in her car...


Me - BH (47)
Her - FWW (46)
Married 17 years
Together 19 years
3 kids
DDay #1 - 12/8/09 (EA)
DDay #2 - 12/18/09 (PA)
A ended - 2/21/10
R'ed - 2/19/11

Posts: 540 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Metro DC
MC_Jack
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Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

greg - I hope everything is ok - makes sense to check phone records too - Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 791 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..hey 64fleet..

on behalf of all the 'guys' here on SI.. and especially on this thread..

let me raise a cold one to you for '5000' fucking awesome posts..

.. smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 66
Her 63
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4015 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kchip, that sucks bigtime. Hang in there.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 295 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Cannon
♂ Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys; been a while.

I don't know if anyone here remembers my particulars, but last I posted here my WW had just had a bad DUI, then a month later had a suicide attempt followed by a weeklong stay in a mental hospital.

She made one request of me: that I stick around long enough for her to get through the DUI legalese, and I agreed (me telling her I was planning of divorcing precipitated her suicide attempt)

Since she's been back, she's been medicating herself regularly for the first time...ever, she says, and she's quit drinking (out of a legal necessity, but she admits it was a great thing for her). Honestly, she's been just about perfect (we had one blow up fight, but that's all). It's a night and day difference. There's a small, small part of me that could see maybe trying to work on this.

HOWEVER, however...there are parts of the past three years that I just can't get past. I think we could maybe live together as roommates who occasional have sex, but the emotional intimacy, for me, is used up and empty. I keep flashing back to awful things that were said and done, even up to the week before her suicide attempt, and I just don't think I can get past it.

We haven't had a "talk" talk for months, since before her attempt (which was the same night I invited her mother, stepdad, and brother over for an intervention). I wouldn't even know where to start with a conversation...

Maybe I can suck it up a bit and look at this as a good, stable environment for my three kids. A D would be completely traumatic to them. Our marriage will never, ever, ever be what it was, but maybe we can come to some compromise or understanding for a while.

I have an IC appointment next week with the lady who has seen us (alone and together) for years. She's great and can always put things in perspective really well for me.

Anyway, though I haven't been posting, I've been reading, and I've been sending many a good vibe to all you guys. You all are freakin' rock stars and inspirations.

Thanks for your ears....


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember you well, Cannon. I'm glad to hear you're doing better, and that your WW is not making your life hell.

I'd caution against reconciling just for the kids, though. Staying together for the kids often has bad outcomes, even if the parents think they can make it work as 'friends'. Better to have a friendly divorce, good parenting agreements, and be able to demonstrate healthy relationships to your kids than to model a passionless marriage where the kids feel guilty for being the only reason their parents stick together. My two cents anyway.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 295 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I can suck it up a bit and look at this as a good, stable environment for my three kids.

Cannon))) what neithan said is gold, make it my 3 cents.

A D would be completely traumatic to them.

Yes. But is it "completely traumatic" for you?

If it's not that, then
you'll model a strong survivor. A thriver.
Point is to get into you. When it becomes not "completely traumatic" for you, maybe you can lead your kids out. Of their trauma. I'm a twice divorced child of divorce. I loved my father for "doing the right thing"

I'm sorry, it just sucks either way. But good better best, never let it rest, till the good is better,

and the better's best.


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Mypoorboys
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Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, January 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning Friends!
Had to comment on all the BJ talk. Here's my take, WTF!
A BJ, where none existed before? Out of consideration? For? Adultery?
Come on, why even discuss such a thing here.
I would and have always focused on how to distant myself from their, aberrant behavior, not that BJs are bad.
Yes, it's fine if you are now being serviced in that fashion, but it holds no meaning.
Do you honestly think that your Wslut would only, unselfishly now do this for you, or is she just practicing on someone she knows isn't infected with some STD.
Get real buddies; there is ALWAYS a reason behind behavior and these sluts we married, or were once married to, are and will remain, (unless they seek real, professional help), 'sociopathic, narcissistic, self-centered, delusional beasts of instinct'.
Why try to analyze, and create an urealistic set of circumstances based upon ONLY your thought processes.
We cannot get into their minds, (God forbid)!
Even all my friends on this thread that have success in R or still attempting R, must realize that they are dealing with someone else's issue and it will continue to require vigilance, and realism.
As for the question whether to create a, 'friendship marriage'. Well, I tried that one with the first ex and Neithan and jjct are correct.
Divorce always adversely affects the kids, at any age.
Why put on a show for them. They are not stupid, (far from it).
Leave, stay, pretend and stay.The kids know and see. They may pattern their future on how you and your whatever decide to behave, coexist, act.
Now, I'm going to throw all of you a curve ball.
Many of you know me well from all my posts over the past few years, know my story and my trials,(literally), and tribulations.
I have two boys, 4.5 and 8.5 yrs. The ex was with other men, one regularly,for many years and testified in court to this extent,(years before and during her pregnancy with, at least my second child, maybe even the older one as well).
During the trial last year I had my younger child paternity tested using an internet company and the results were slightly better than 98% that he is my child, and I did not tell her the results. To date, the ex still does not know this took place, BUT, now here's the question;
These tests are sometimes inconclusive, or not properly performed.
I've been divorced since June 2011.
Should I now have both kids tested via court order. The court would mandate a DNA sample from the ex Wsluts boyfriend and also her DNA sample as well, ie. a conclusive,accurate test.
The problem I've been really struggling with is the obvious one, what if, then what then?
I strongly suspect the ex may still think the worse.
I even mentioned in court while testifying last year that I was considering doing this test, but never discussed it with the ex.
Thoughts anyone?
Major struggle.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Mypoorboys
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Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disregard previous paternity inquiry.
As I pondered this, I realized that regardless of if my kids are biologically mine or not, they have always known me to be their Dad and that will continue, so for me, there will not be a further need to question the matter.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
aesir
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Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, January 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MPB, I think you misunderstood the bit about the blow jobs.

Nothing wrong with blowjobs. Actually a big fan of them myself. It is about the patterns. The blowjobs in question do not actually happen to make up for the affair, they happen to enable it. They are no more of an apology than sending flowers after cheating is an apology. They are a distraction, meant to keep the betrayed (plan B) off balance, just a bit of misdirection, something to keep hope and interest alive, and I would think a bit more effective than flowers. Eventually you will run out of vases, but who wouldn't like another blowjob? In the case described, they are actually a warning sign of active cheating.

Now before anyone goes getting all alarmed by this and turning blowjobs into triggers, they are also part of perfectly normal relationships. A change in frequency could also result from someone being generally more energetic, not so stressed out so she (or I guess sometimes he) feels like being more active instead of the obligatory "OMG I'm so tired just fuck me so we can go to sleep" kind of sex that can result from work stress and raising children. Sometimes intercourse may be uncomfortable or impossible for health reasons, so oral is a way of maintaining a sex life.

It is when blowjobs become the normal routine, and are almost on a schedule that you would expect for regular sex that you should start to suspect you are plan B and being kept off balance. In those cases it is designed to mask the affair behaviour, or the detachment process that the WW is engaged in.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


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