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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((gma)))

POS is still haunting my NB

This makes my heart ache for you.

You have to find your inner voice and make it louder than that one! Remember that the worst things they say about US, are usually the darkest truths about themselves.

If you start to change every YOU statement the NPD said to you, and replace it with an I statement, you have a good picture of your NPD.

How many times did I hear "You are crazy!" They send out the worst fear about the truth of themselves.

I have also found that any time I am weak in my NB, either work, or parenting or whatever might be causing self doubt, I have a harder time not listening to the NPD demon voices. Knowing that though, is great incentive to get those current self doubts dealt with!


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BUT try to keep in mind who THEY ARE and what they think/say to you has absolutely NO BEARING at all and could not be further from the truth
I've been recovering from NPD rodeo for 5+ yrs but there is always going to be residual damage to deal with.
I've had someone in my life since dday and it was great. He did remind me why I love being a woman again. It was a wonderful start but I still have self work to do. FT knocked all my self confidence and esteem out me over the 30 yrs we were together. Oh and gave me a bad ass case of PTSD. It just takes work and time.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you start to change every YOU statement the NPD said to you, and replace it with an I statement, you have a good picture of your NPD.
I did this for a long time but thank-you for the reminder !
I do know everything I couldn't deal with during the time right after dday and during D proceedings have come back to be dealt with now !
Dealing with rejection is another big one that has shown up again.
Maybe by the time I'm retiring ...I'll have my shit together. Before this marriage I was one tough strong woman so I know she's still there. I'm 90% better than I was 4 yrs ago but still finding my weak areas.

[This message edited by gma56 at 6:24 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Elaine2012
♀ Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading this thread for awhile now. I joined in April and kinda went under the radar. It has opened my eyes to so many behaviors and dynamics in the marriage for so very many years.

SoHurt thank you for sharing that article about NPD. One of the things that has really bothered me is how much my DD's have been affected by all that has happened. He kicked one DD out who has blocked all contact with him. He has cut off contact with the other two. I think two have PTSD from everything that has happened. He was the kind of dad that they could call and ask questions about anything. Now nothing!!! All three of them have wondered if their dad has lost his mind.

After all my reading I've come to understand NPD. I wasn't aware of it before DDay. As we've talked I have mentioned NPD to them in relation to their father. What I'm wondering should I share what I'm learning with them so that they have a better idea of what seems to be wrong with him? I was thinking of sending a link for the article because it is describes NPDWH to a tee.

My youngest is in contact with him so I don't want to include her in the article because I don't think she would "see" him like the others would. And I think she would just be mad at me for sharing it. Maybe someday she'll understand.

I'm so thankful for the education I've received here it has helped me to process and understand so much. Thanks to everyone who takes the time to share.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Elaine, welcome
Your DDs sound like mine. Oldest
D did not speak to xh for 3 years- now has a relationship on her terms. She calls it a Hallmark relationship. A text or call a week, and cards for holidays.

DD2 has no relationship with him. Since she is DGD's mama, DGD doesn't either.

DD3 is a bit better than DD1, but not much.

DD4 is his latest golden child-till she stops being. Then I don't know what she will do.

I did not specifically Tell my kids about Nism they came to me with the word and asked if I thought dad was -got to love abnormal psych class. 3 of 4 girls have taken it . They saw dad and asked. I gave them the truth.

[This message edited by Kajem at 11:31 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((gma)))))))

no one's sexuality should be taken from them. What an asshole!

I am so sorry that you are still dealing with this, gma.

Have you spoken with your IC about it?


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Elaine, you're welcome. That article explained it in a way that wasn't too technical, and I finally really understood it. As to what you should tell your DDs, I would start slow, making a comment about something and let them lead you. I know they're adults, but sometimes, discovering the truth is best done a bit at a time, and at their own pace.

My DS who is 16 knows a bit about Nism, but not a lot. Just enough to understand that 1) it isn't him that's off, and 2) it isn't his problem. He doesn't ask questions yet, but he did for a while. When and if he does again, I'll either refer him to his IC or explain just enough with examples of things he has seen.

We all have to do it in our own time at our own pace, and I think that helps us absorb and discover more that way.

Gma, I wish FT and the other Ns would not damage this part of us so badly. My own did the same things and did so much damage, I don't even think of it fondly. Sex, I mean. I could care less if I ever hit the sack with another man. It's a shame, but it's how I feel. The PTSD is the worst. I almost feel like punching any man who hints he might like to try. Not exactly the romantic response they're hoping for, I guess.

Welcome, newbies.

(((((Tribe)))))

[This message edited by SoHurt at 8:48 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
MissMovingOn
♀ Member
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all. I definitely belong in the Tribe. I don't feel comfortable posting too much because WH knows my username but I really appreciate this thread (read every page) and your stories. You're all so strong.

One question: How do you handle the isolation resulting from their smear/distortion campaigns against you?


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
Left me for 20 yr old COW. Moving on!

Posts: 353 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gma, you know you are an awesome lady and that FT is simply put...A COMPLETE F'in shit for brains. He had gold and threw it away for trash. You have a heart of gold and we know it and so will your someone special (actually he already does).

BWinBC, the isolation sucks rocks. My xnpdwh turned all of our neighbors against me with his lies. They all think he is Mr. Wonderful and I am the bitch from hell. The crappy part is they actually saw him and made comments about his having an affair with the gutter slut neighbor so not sure why they don't believe he cheated on me. I always told him that if they knew who he really was they wouldn't like him and he agreed.

I still haven't been able to make myself get out and be sociable because he torn me down so much when I gained weight due to illness. It is so hard to make friends and to put yourself back out where you might get hurt again. I hope that soon I will be able to go to a meetup and start to make friends again. My xnpdwh even tried to get my family to stop talking to me. These guys as so screwed up that they know that they must isolate you so you don't wake up and see behind the mask. Lord help you when you rip the mask off, they start an all out sludge campaign against you.

Just keep coming here and posting what you can and we will help you through this. The Tribe is great and we all understand because we have been through it.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome BWinBC !

How do you handle the isolation resulting from their smear/distortion campaigns against you?
I did confide most of the truth to several people he was lying to about me. They were close to both of us long before dday. After I told them, I just said to make their own conclusions. The rest he badmouthed me to, there was nothing I could do but I did develope my own support network of friends and family. To this day, I don't let many in my close circle. I have become a loner in many ways I wasn't before dday. My circle includes several of my family, new friends since dday and only ones I can trust 100%. Very small circle. I feel safer keeping a small group close.

The PTSD is the worst. I almost feel like punching any man who hints he might like to try. Not exactly the romantic response they're hoping for, I guess

Yes Ft put many insecurities in me but again letting someone that close to me would mean letting them in my inner circle of people. I have let someone in my life but not sure if he will stay or if he will want to stay.

I will say the longer I'm away from contact and legal issues the less his words years ago mean to me. I am definitely a different person after all this. Some of that is good and some is for self protection I didn't have before.

Have you spoken with your IC about it?
Not in a position to have one right now.

[This message edited by gma56 at 11:57 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so hard to make friends and to put yourself back out where you might get hurt again. I hope that soon
I will be able to go to a meetup and start to make friends again. My xnpdwh even tried to get my family to stop talking to me. These guys as so screwed up that they know that they must isolate you so you don't wake up and see behind the mask.
SVB this me too. I don't remember FT saying directly not do something or be friends with someone but he would put down a new friend or have attitude that they wouldn't want to be around him. Being married to a NPD does change us from what we were before we married them.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you handle the isolation resulting from their smear/distortion campaigns against you?

By realizing that either the ones who believe him are as sick as he is, or they don't know the real him. Either of those two means I don't need to give a rat's a$$ what they think of me. Anyone who knows who I really am will know the truth. I think it speaks volumes that a lot of his own family have disowned him and kept me.

Don't get me wrong; sometimes, and with some people, it hurts. But I refuse to accept that it has anything to do with me, and will only acknowledge that it speaks to who my X is, and who they are, loud and clear. If he's so determined to "take" people from me, and they are willing to go, that's on him and them. Not me.

It's not fun to go through those initial stages that keep you from seeing the end goal: HEALING AND MOVING ON. Sometimes, healing it all seems impossible... but I'd rather work on that than worry about who doesn't like me because they didn't even ask my side of the story or were too stupid to put two and two together and get four. Not my problem - I say that a lot these days. Not my problem at all. They are the losers, not me.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One question: How do you handle the isolation resulting from their smear/distortion campaigns against you?

I did it knowing the truth would eventually come out. I tried to hold my head high and be the person I always had been. In time people started to notice that I hadn't changed, and that he had. It took time.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
I am back, I have not been on this thread in over a year but need to be with others that also have a NPD.

Sohurt, I read that article and wow, she was dead on. The only thing that is different with my wh is that he loves going out now and being sociable.

Anyways, I am back and I think I have allowed him to make me think that I am crazy. I am finally after all these years seeing that I can not even talk to him a level of my feelings or pain. He has no empathy for me or what he does.

I belong here and also in D/S....


Here's a question: We had a huge blow out lastnight and he said he lies to me because otherwise we fight or my feelings get hurt. I snapped on him about alot of things about his LTA and now he wants his freedom and is enjoying his life seperated. But wants to be real good friends still. Anyways, now he will not talk to me. Is this is punshiment for me? Do they do this sort of thing. I mean he blamed me for all this crap happening. URRRGGGGGHHHH.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GMA, it's good to see you posting on Tribe again. The narcissistic wounds really run deep. I'm glad you are taking some time to work on yourself.

Elaine, I must agree about being very careful with how you talk to your girls about the NPD. I think this is probably the best way:

let them lead you. I know they're adults, but sometimes, discovering the truth is best done a bit at a time, and at their own pace

You just never know what might get back to him via your kids and what might get to your youngest DD who still probably desperately wants to love her father. My heart aches for our children.

How do you handle the isolation resulting from their smear/distortion campaigns against you?

This is one of the most painful pieces of this whole mess for me. I lost all of the mutual friends and isolated myself.

I also didn't feel the need to defend myself to people who were going to believe what they wanted anyway. I didn't want to open myself up to further hurts either. I felt it was easier to just cut my losses.

Like others, I am just now feeling brave enough (or maybe lonely enough?) to think about venturing out. I signed up for meetup.com, and I'm hoping to get to an event soon.

Welcome back, Faithful. Yes, his cold shoulder is punishment. Maybe you should look upon it as a gift. The beginning of a new time of NO CONTACT.

...wants to be real good friends still.

Uh, no. Just no. You cannot be friends with this man. Especially when you've realized all of this:

I have allowed him to make me think that I am crazy. I am finally after all these years seeing that I can not even talk to him a level of my feelings or pain. He has no empathy for me or what he does.

No Contact is your friend. He is not.

(((Tribe)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7636 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Elaine2012
♀ Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem, Sohurt and woundedby2 thank you for the feedback. I have mentioned nism very generally. I will let them look into if they are inclined.

woundedby2>>>this

My heart aches for our children.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GMA, it's good to see you posting on Tribe again. The narcissistic wounds really run deep. I'm glad you are taking some time to work on yourself
Thanks Woundedby2 ! I'm finding the issues I didn't/couldn't deal with at the time of dday, limbo, and D now has circled around to be dealt with now. Some of it I have healed from but not all. The damage is deep rooted from childhood and now NPDXH. Some of it is just my personality too. I am a shy person to begin with that had issues of self esteem from childhood. Never being good enough was a biggie. I'm getting stronger and have less problems but change doesn't happen overnight.
I'm not going around the issues any longer but facing them head on. OUCH !

Faithful w/love: 1st lesson to learn and go into the future with is dealing with a NPD . We can't change them or fix them. 99.9% of the time they can't change or fix themselves. The lies will continue long after you are gone from his life, it will just be told to someone else that fell for his bullshit NPD lies.

Hugs
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking...sometimes I actually do !

What if the infidelity would never have happened ?
I hate to see what I would have become by now or in 5 yrs . I was already under his complete control. Damn scary to think about.

I would rather have my life now then to think the hell I would have continued to live in.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, nooo! Gma!!

What if the infidelity would never have happened ?
I hate to see what I would have become by now or in 5 yrs . I was already under his complete control. Damn scary to think about.

That is a horribly scary thought!!!! I don't Ever want to go back to how I was living!!

I'm sorry you are still struggling, but I really appreciate you sharing on here. I am three and a half years past DDay#1, and am divorced, but I am not any where NEAR healed, and sometimes I think that I "should be" a little further along. But I am happy where I am, which is better than where I was by a long shot! Time and more therapy, more reading, more meetings. I guess we will get there some day.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would rather have my life now then to think the hell I would have continued to live in.

Detachment. It is a good thing.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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