Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: z1x2606 (43216)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

duplicate post...sorry

[This message edited by Kajem at 9:32 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4027 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While trying to clear the shed I found them, the caulk guns.

I've been trying so hard to figure it all out but then I found them. Amongst thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars worth of tools. All mishmashed and no sense of what belongs where.

I'm trying to figure these things out and it hit me. We had our shed/barn rehabbed beautifully with shelves and the floor was still impossible to cross. So, I'm trying to organize it. Oh boy. I found the caulk.

While reading the lists of disorders I saw myself. PTSD and a few others that I saw in myself. I figured out that I would make him the scapegoat when people would ask unrealistic favors re: money/time/whatever, I would say that he said no. In truth? He'd do anything for anybody. Anybody. It makes him happy to help strangers. He leaves me home sick with no food for 3 days but will run out to help someone fix a wall socket that has to be done today.

Lord help me. I have a bucket full of shit. Not a sandwich. A bucket.

He's made me to be the crazy one and I often was. The quiet insults nobody but he and I could hear so that I'd be the crazy one. And on and on.

I'm going to go do "spring cleaning" in my bedroom because the heat is just too much and maybe the cleaning will unfog me a bit more. Be brave kids, be brave.

Note to self: Be brave.

[This message edited by curiouswiz at 10:48 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 600 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a poem that became dear to me when I hit the "I've had enough" stage. It has hung on every office wall I've had since then. I think it may mean something to some of you newer members.


Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

.....Derek Walcott


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Threnody. This speaks volumes to me. Volumes.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 284 | Registered: Feb 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Threnody,

Love it, thank you for sharing.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4027 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Thren. It speaks volumes to me today, too.

He was found guilty on both counts, and sentenced to just enough time to put him in prison if he doesn't watch his step. He only has to serve 30 days on each count, concurrent, but the remaining time puts him over the limit for jail if he screws up even once. Two years probation after that. Fines, court costs, etc, etc, etc, and he is wishing he'd just paid CS and not pushed me to the limit by breaking the PO. The judge also imposed a criminal NC order, which if I heard right, means ONE break, and it's an automatic felony; it does not supersede the original, but runs alongside. Here, if you break an NC order three times, it becomes a felony. (That is, if a first or second break doesn't include an assault or something, which is an automatic felony.) So one misstep, and he's done.

The bail-jumping charge hit hard, because his defense was it "wasn't his fault", but the old atty he fired for incompetency. Well, the judge made it clear that, should he fail to appear at any further hearings or not do what he's supposed to, he is to understand that HE is the only one responsible, and it is now a matter of record that he understands that. Guess he can't blame anyone else next time.

Anyway, I'm exhausted and plain old relieved. It feels as if I've run a marathon for over a year, and it's finally over. Unless he appeals, which I expect. In fact, I fully believe he will throw this "great" atty under the bus in less than a week, and ask for a new one, since this one sucked so bad. I wish we had a rofl hysterically icon, cuz at times, that's how I feel. Almost like a lunatic set free from the asylum. I have moments of wanting to laugh crazily, followed by solemn gratitude for the prosecutor and arresting officer who worked so hard and put up with so much to do this.

I am grateful. I am at peace. I am free. My family is free. As my new favorite cop put it, "Now, the next chapter can begin."

(Edited for seriously dumb typos and some clarification. )

[This message edited by SoHurt at 10:00 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am grateful. I am at peace. I am free. My family is free. As my new favorite cop put it, "Now, the next chapter can begin."

(((SoHurt)))) I am so happy for you. I wish you the best life can bring.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, yay for next chapters!

And YAY for guilty. He is piling it on himself. Be vigilant. As I said today in another conversation, "I feel safe right now because he is other focused. If/when it starts to fall apart for him, I will need to be more careful."

Be careful.

But celebrate all the same!


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5301 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, guys. And I agree 100%, CG. I didn't sleep well last night, because my oldest DS saw XNPD at the store right before he came here to find out the verdict. So X stayed in town last night, it appears. I woke up every time I heard a noise outside, and kept getting up to check on things. You'd think feeling peaceful would negate watchful, but it doesn't. It's really strange to feel both at once.

I will continue my vigilance, because I know that as angry as he is, he could do anything. And he is very, very angry. The look on his face told me all I need to know.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, I've been reading through this thread and am in the baby steps stage still. SoHurt, I am so thankful for the conviction, that must be so exhausting for you. Admire your strength.

I am questioning if someone can actually stop a lifelong habit of lying, or if anyone has experience in dealing with such things. In the 20 yrs I have known H, he has been a liar, both big things and the stupidest little things. Clings to the lies and will only admit them if I have irrefutible proof. And even then sometimes not.

After his A, I realized that the lying provided the slippery slope for him. So it was my condition for R. Three years into R, I find out that he is still lying. He insists he has stopped lying. If I accuse him, he becomes enraged, furious, screaming and yelling, throws things (not physically violent with me). I end up cowering in the closet or bathroom until he settles down.

So over the years, I learned not to confront when I thought he was lying. Until the A. But I see that he seems to be falling back into his old patterns, and I am to the breaking point. I find myself questioning everything he says, even with no evidence to the contrary. So I am accused of not trusting him....very similar to what he said to me during his A.

So my question is whether any of the wise ones here actually believe he could change this behavior? He has been to very limited IC, but only after a great deal of coaxing from me, which I have become disinclined to coax any more at this point.

Advice? Suggestions? I would be extremely grateful.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 284 | Registered: Feb 2013
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoHurt,

You are wise to be careful. I would not have slept thinking he stayed in town!! Knowing he is angry... I hope he vents that anger elsewhere or burns so hot he spontaneously combusts.

I will be keeping you in prayer.

E,
Baby steps are good, just keep walking.

I want to say, gently, that throwing things is violent. That you cowering behind a door is in the face of his unacceptable behavior. Unacceptable.

Someone told me that the NPD's entire life is a construct. It is a series of fantasies woven together about how smart and wonderful the N is in his work, his parenting, sex, his wit, all the things HE SAYS HE IS GOOD AT. When reality challenges that fantasy, it all falls apart and often times the desperation of the N to keep the fantasy alive causes the rage.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5301 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
masuhanley
♀ New Member
Member # 39782
What?  Posted: 2:46 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone told me that the NPD's entire life is a construct. It is a series of fantasies woven together about how smart and wonderful the N is in his work, his parenting, sex, his wit, all the things HE SAYS HE IS GOOD AT. When reality challenges that fantasy, it all falls apart and often times the desperation of the N to keep the fantasy alive causes the rage.

Sooooo true. And sad. What happened to these people earlier in their lives???


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Midwest, USA
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I should add that we had one of our confrontations last week, where he was doing some recreational lying, not anything at all of significance, yet it is an enormous violation of my R condition. I confronted, he talked in circles, backed me into a corner (figuratively) and then became enraged.

Last night, in the middle of the night, he woke me up saying he is sorry. I asked him what he is sorry for. He said "for lying to you all those years." My response was that I am afraid he may not be able to stop, to which he replied that he HAS stopped.

Sorry, my head is so scrambled I feel like I can't tell which way is up anymore.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 284 | Registered: Feb 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the rage is - is a manipulative ploy to avoid scrutiny. Accountability. Consequences.

Emotions are manufactured. Their 2 "go-to" emotions are sadness (the caulk gun award) & rage.

I believe that sadness is a response to the unworthy, 'I deserved abuse', FALSE self image.
Rage is the response to knowing that they are NOT & never will be the other FALSE self-image - the unicorn.
Wait!
The zebra duck award!
(Though, when some abused Tribe comes in here limping, I'm not about to give a reward! kwim?)
I think you get the zd award when they rage & you laugh. Laughing inside is recommended for violent fukkers.

What happened to these people earlier in their lives is that they were abused or abandoned.

That is why they fear 180, NC, & D. It echoes earlier abandonment.
They hate ridicule. It echoes earlier abuse.

Fear and hate beings.
Pingponging eternally between a vacuum of nothing. No there there.
Sad creatures.


Posts: 6020 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh! I forgot!

Partay at SoHurt's!
I would suggest bringing caulk guns, but wtf do you do with a bunch of caulk guns? Burn em? ewww! We'll dance with none in sight!
& Thren - thanks for the smile. Me loves sum poetry!


Posts: 6020 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read somewhere, (sorry that is not good referencing but I did a LOT of reading)

that the N may have been praised often and early for nothing. The N never earned the "aren't you wonderful" it was just heaped upon him.

That all emotions were met with coddling, tantrums, good behavior all rewarded with a "cookie."

The complete lack of empathy though, I don't know if it a failure to learn to empathize or a missing piece of their psyche?


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5301 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even bad behavior got the cookie? Hmmm.
Result is there's NO behavior that didn't earn a cookie.
No anchor.
No there.
Abandonment of real.

I wonder. Was sex detached? Not for you...for him. Did you eventually feel like a mannequin blow up doll? Like there was something missing?

There's overweening arrogance and pride, with its attendant inability to brook criticism.
Then there's NPD.
I'd take asshole any day over super asshole.


Posts: 6020 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
masuhanley
♀ New Member
Member # 39782
Frustrated  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex was absolutely detached! With maaaaybe the exception of the first time "make up" sex after each time I took him back. PUKE!!!!!!!!

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Midwest, USA
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, shit. Detached sex. Yes. I didn't count. I even asked for "more" once.

He said no. This forum kills me and lightens me. All those red flags. And I just tried harder.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 600 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jj, you seriously made me laugh! Don't you DARE bring caulk guns to the partay, or I'll have to figure out where to store them! Of course, I could donate them to the Habitat for Humanity store. What a partay I'd throw if you all would come to it! Let's dance!!!

Edith, thank you for the compliment. I appreciate it a lot. As to your questions, I believe they cannot ever change. This way of being is more than a set of behaviors. It is truly a world in which they are the ruler and we are all their subjects. I would rate it for lack of "recoverability" with something like schizophrenia. It's sad to think that there is really not much hope of change, but that's what I believe. And I also believe that if you do not get out of this relationship, you will get hurt. Really hurt. Those rages will turn directly on you sooner or later. Get out, please.

CG, thank you for the prayers. He is very scary to me, and although I don't think he will come after me, it is entirely possible. I just "did to him" the worst thing anyone could do: outed him in every way but TV. That is a reason for horrible, vicious payback. I am watchful. Perhaps a bit paranoid, even.

Detached sex? Feeling like a blowup doll? Yeah, for 25 years. Long, exhausting years. The sad thing is, I don't know if I ever want to risk that again. I know a normal man wouldn't treat me that way, but how well did I choose correctly in 49 years? Nah, at this point, I'll just be alone, raising my son.

ETA: curious, I got the exact same response to wanting more sex: no. And then complaints followed by public disclosure of how "lucky" he was that I wanted it so badly, given to all and sundry. And naturally, how great he was at giving it.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 9:10 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.