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User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NandN,

As far as the kids will be concerned, once you separate they will think you are divorced. I would not mention divorce or getting back together or anything unless I was asked directly by a kid. Just so you know, and can be prepared.

Hurt...

Wow just wow... he is one sick person isn't he. If you have the time research Mosaic.. by Gaven DeBecker. It is a test used by law enforcement to determine just how much of a threat someone is. You know him best.. take the test. You might be surprised. Also read his book, The Gift of Fear. A lot of us talk ourselves out of being afraid of certain people, especially when they exhibit some horrific tendencies once in a while. kind of like ignoring a bull coming at you behind the red flag.

Some NPD who are very worried about their public image being tarnished will go to extremes to keep the person doing the tarnishing quiet. Think Susan Powell and a bunch of other women killed by their H's. My fear is, while you are not married to him, you have threatened to tarnish his image. Depending on how much he values that image and how far he thinks you will go... YOU may be in danger. Please be careful.

Oh and once it is out there _telling him that you are going to expose him. It is harder to take back, because you have something he wants - control.

Please be very careful, take the necessary safety precautions, if something is even remotely odd.. call the police. I mean it.. he does sound dangerous, and know he knows what lengths you have gone to find information... he will be that much more angry with you.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much Kajem.

I have never seen such sides of him before, only when I started to stick up for myself and call him out on his bullshit did he start letting his mask slip.

What did you mean by this if you don't mind me asking?

Oh and once it is out there _telling him that you are going to expose him. It is harder to take back, because you have something he wants - control.

[This message edited by HURTAGAIN1981 at 12:15 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt,

you told him you would tell everyone of his escapades, put him on every cheater's website etc.

He doesn't want to be exposed. He does not want his past exposed to any potential partners. You already talked about him with his X and you told him all about it.

You are now a THREAT to the image he wants to keep showing his public. You have the evidence he is a fraud. In his mind you can destroy him. (and with some N's the image they portray is ALL they have to show the world) There for you have control... until now his past was in bits a pieces that were scattered around here and there. you pulled some of those pieces together and started to form a picture. He does not want that picture to be seen by anyone.

You ARE AT RISK... Please be very careful. Do not talk to him, see him or anything with him. Take precautions for your safety. Call the domestic violence hotline in your state and talk to them or at least call your local shelter and talk to them about ways to keep yourself safe.

I am scared for you.. I don't say that often here on SI.

Please visit Mosaic and take the test.. YOU need a wake up call. you kccp telling yourself it wasn't that bad... Honey HE IS THAT BAD.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem, thank you for the Mosaic link. It was the best thing I've done recently. It showed that my instincts are right, and I will need to take the measures I've only been considering.

Hurt, I think Kajem is right. He does sound dangerous to me, and much worse than you are allowing yourself to believe. I've been there, and I know how hard it is. Please, take the Mosaic link and use it.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess which thread was bumped with that link Kajem.

Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks jj,

I don't go in that room.. so I never saw it. I will start sending people there to see it.

I lied.. just looked and I posted to it and forgot. Getting old is a biatch. But I am sending people to it.

Hugs,

K

[This message edited by Kajem at 12:51 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N and N,

If you ask me, a remorseful spouse would absolutely tell you he got tested, and he would be apologizing his ass off telling you how sorry he is that he put you through this and letting you know the dangers that he put you and himself in and that he will continue to do everything in his power to prove to you he is working on the marriage and himself. I think it's totally passive/aggressive that he just showed you the results afterwards. Perhaps he "did" what he was supposed to, but all the intent and meaning behind it was lost. He came home Monday talking about his new condo and bunkbeds and everything about how he was going to move out and move on. And THEN he's acting like, by the way, I tried again to make you happy by getting the STD test, but you probably still aren't happy and will never trust me. If you ask me, this isn't the way things would have gone down if he was truly sorry for what he did or actually wanted to fix the marriage. I think he's trying to manipulate you and turn it into your fault. Keep watching his actions, but I give him a D- on this one..


Hurt,

I'm scared for you too. I'd like to share a story, and sorry if it's TMI. My STBX and I always used condoms. During our one month of false R, he had thrown all the condoms away trying to prove that he didn't need sex anymore and was focusing on the emotional part of the marriage (I'm guessing he just took them to OW's house). Anyway, he had been trying to have sex with me one night, and I kept refusing since we didn't have condoms. Well I was woken up at 2 a.m. with him on top of me having sex with me, and I had to shove him off me. He kept persisting and actually cursed me out, and I locked myself in the kids room and slept in there that night. It was frightening and scared the crap out of me. Husband or not, no means no.

I agree with Kajem that you have threatened to expose him, and that puts you in danger. I'm in the same boat as I plan on exposing him in court next month. I have a police escort with me at every kid exchange now and refuse to ever be alone with him or talk to him on the phone, though he has tried numerous times. I will not put myself in a position of him being able to lie about what I've done or said. These are the types of guys who file false domestic violence charges as they will do anything to protect their image and paint you as the bad guy. Please please protect yourself and do not be alone with this man. Once they realize they can't manipulate you anymore and their hoovering won't work, all hell breaks loose. You are enemy #1 now. Please protect yourself.. Sending you lots of hugs and strength.


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1374 | Registered: Feb 2013
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your support.

It is so hard to realise that the people you felt close to could do such things. I am sorry to hear of what your STBX did Butterfly. A similar thing happened to me a with a previous ex boyfriend. He had always joked that one day he would be able to get away with having sex with me when I was asleep. I always brushed it off and thought there was no way he could without waking me up. One night we had been out drinking and both had a bit too much. We went to sleep. I woke up the next morning not knowing anything was wrong. Later that day we went for a meal, and then he told me what he had done the night before. He had had sex with me and actually put my underwear back on after he had finished, he also put a tissue in my underwear to catch his deposit. How thoughtful. I brushed it off initially as there were no problems in our relationship at the time and things we fine. But eventually it stated bothering me and I found it quite disgusting that someone would want to do that with an unresponsive body.

I took that test. The report said that my situation was a level 5 on the scale of 1-10 and although not in the worst category, it could very well escalate.

[This message edited by HURTAGAIN1981 at 3:42 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has been in contact also yesterday and today.

I'm going to post it here to see if this is some kind of manipulation he is using. It's easy to see in other people's situations but no so easy in your own.

Yesterday...

Him: I am so sorry. You won't believe me but I really am.

Me: You will never know how hurt I am. I have no more words. Just sheer sadness.

Him: You're right I don't have any idea how upset you are and I'm so sorry :(

Me:I just don't understand why but I guess that doesn't matter anymore. It's the realisation that I meant nothing that's hard to take. And because I didn't I don't know why there's a need to say sorry as you shouldn't, and don't care what I think of you or whether I believe you are sorry or not. You are free now and don't have to hide things anymore. You can live the way you want to. But please don't treat anyone like in the future because it's been torture

Today...

Him: I've been trying to write this response all day but i keep deleting as there is no way I can say it. I've done really bad things and i don't ever expect to be forgiven. I've tried hiding from my past but you never meant nothing to me. I honestly wanted to try again and i am really sorry. I know you hate me so much and I accept it and I am so sorry. Any explanations i could give would be moot in light of what's happened. I regret everything i have done.

Him: I am so so sorry :(

I wasn't going to reply. I felt there were things I still needed to say to him so I wrote him a final letter which is as follows. I know I have probably made myself look like an idiot with some of the things I said but they were my true feelings and I felt I needed to get them out.

I'm writing this because I still have things to say. It's probably very silly of me to even bother, as I know that whatever I do say will fall on deaf ears and have no effect on you at all, because I believe that regarding what has happened between us and regarding me as a person, you have an unnatural ability to not care. So I am doing this for my benefit to get this off my chest. It is obviously too long for a text message so it has to be here. Hope you don't mind.

Your actions throughout all of 'our time' together have really been baffling. It's driven my crazy over the past year or so, trying to work things out in my own mind that didn't make sense. Your recent actions have not only been mind-boggling, but very hurtful. I'm going to stop even bothering to try to make sense of it all, because I have realised that I will never be able to understand, and the reason for that is because what you did, your behaviour, is so completely alien to me, that I would never treat a person the way you have treated me. This is the very reason that I will never be able to understand it.

Every little discovery along the way, mostly occurring in recent weeks/months has been so hurtful. Things that I should have walked away over. I kept minimising it and making excuses for it. Telling myself that it probably wasn't what it seemed, when in actual fact it really was. I didn't want to believe what was really going on and wanted to believe that you wouldn't do it.

I really don't believe that I meant anything at all. Even typing those words devastates me and makes me feel sick. When you said that your feelings hadn't changed since you first met me, I believed you, and still do, it's probably the most honest you have ever been with me. I am really not sure what I was to you. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this too. I can only assume that I was a time-filler. Someone to spend time with when you were bored or had nothing better to do. I always had my suspicions about this, but stupidly brushed them off. It makes sense now, and that is really the only conclusion I can arrive at.

Most of our time together was spent when you lived at home. As you don't drive, you were pretty much stuck there unless you had made prior transport arrangements. So I suppose that it made sense to you at the time to have me drive there every weekend for someone to spend time with, to alleviate the boredom on a Friday/Saturday night when you really had nothing better to do. Unfortunately, my stupidity lead me to believe that it was because you actually wanted to spend time with me. I let myself believe that this time was bringing us closer, when in reality and unbeknownst to me, I was just a pawn in your game.

To support this theory, when you moved out, we spent less and less time together. Hardly any in fact. Granted I was going through a very rough time which played a part in that and you were not supportive at all, in any way, shape or form. When I realised that you really did not care about what was happening in my life and how upset I was, I wanted to end it then and there. Again I didn't. Instead I made excuses as I always had.

I was brushed aside. Your new location now meant that things were more accessible to you, pubs, clubs, friends, other girls. You no longer really had any need for me. I was disposable, and no longer of use. Yet you kept me around. I wondered why. Again as a time-filler and also as a source of sex no doubt. When you had no exciting plans to meet up and go drinking/clubbing with sluts behind my back, it made sense to invite me over to spend time at your flat rather than even bother to make the effort to go out with me anywhere. Offering crumbs to keep me hanging around, all the while leading a secret life but letting me believe, and also trying to convince me of the fact that you wanted to try again.

The time when you had that girl over on a Thursday night when I had expressed interest in seeing you, sharing drinks and movies and pizza with her, hurt so so much. I was told that you were too tired, I was an option and option that wasn't good enough or appealing that night. I will never be an option to anyone again, only a choice. It was the fact that you preferred to spend time with another dirty looking rat over your own girlfriend that was so devastating. In addition, having girls stay at the flat was not acceptable to me and never would be, not ones like that at least. Actual, proper friends would have been ok if I was told about it and there was a reason for it. It is not about jealousy because I am not jealous of those types, it is instead a matter of boundaries and respecting those boundaries.

We had numerous conversations about 'trying again'. I outlined what bothered me time and again. Your response was always that those things needed changing. In over two months, no effort was made to change anything. In that time, I actually saw you three times. All of those times involved other people. The first time, meeting for that drink and meeting up with Rhys and his gf. The second, your parents, and the third time spending time in your flat on Wednesday with Rhys. I have nothing against Rhys, I like him as he seems decent. I certainly have nothing against your parents and actually think they are lovely. My point here, is that we spent no time at all just together. Ordinarily all of those above times would have been fine. I enjoyed the meal with your parents and the time before when we went for a drink then onto the wedding party. However, I was not happy with the fact that you decided not to tell me that Rhys was coming over also on Wednesday night. I was lead to believe that it would be just us, spending time together. If I had known, I would have declined the invitation.

Had we spent any time in between all of this together, which I think should have taken some priority given you were saying you wanted to try again over and over, then I would have had no issues with the above. There were no real conversations about how we were going to move forward when there should have been. No progress was made at all. And the fact that you expected, tried even, to make me have sex with you Wednesday night was just so disrespectful. I did tell you that a sexual relationship would not be on the cards until things were sorted out properly. And trying to do that when you knew you had plans Friday night to spent time with 'them' was just so disrespectful. I can only imagine just how much worse I would be feeling now if I had given in, how disgusted I would have been with myself and how dirty I would be feeling.

It bothered me that after the meal with your parents, you didn't even want to go for a drink afterwards. I guess that was because I am just too boring to be around and have a drink with, unless it is to spend time also with other people or to spend time in your flat when you can do other things you like to do, but have me in the background. Yet it is ok to make the effort to go out drinking with other girls. Like Friday night. You maintain they are just friends, I don't believe that. Whether anything has happened with either of those whores, I do not care any longer. If nothing has happened then it is probably only a matter of time, I know you are interested in one of them and now that is fine by me. I just hope whatever one it is, turns out to be worth it, because by the look of them, it won't be. But I guess that you like the slutty type so that's ok. It was things like that, and many other things that made me feel worthless. The fact that you preferred to spend your time with other girls rather than to make arrangements with the person you claimed you wanted to try again with, or at times your actual girlfriend (me). In all the time we had been 'together' we hardly ever went out. You never invited me out with your friends, never made the effort to come out with mine. Yet you could make the effort to go out with them or invite them out. You had no interest in going out with me or doing much at all with me. So again, it's obvious I was just being used when it suited you. But when any plans were made that were more exciting, I was dropped like a hot potato.

Over time, all of this made me feel devalued and just utterly worthless, but I have now come to realise and actually believe 100% that I am worth so much more than all of that. The ridiculous thing is that I accepted that treatment and still tried to make it work. Obviously because of this, I have issues of my own I need to work on, to find out why I would allow myself to be treated in such a way and with such disrespect.

Facebook came up in numerous conversations also. It is obvious now why you did not want to be friends on there. Yet it was important to you to add random girls, and I was not important enough to have on there. Which is just beyond, especially when we were together, let alone changing your relationship status. There were two reasons for this. 1. You didn't want any of the girls you were adding or involved with to know you had a girlfriend or even know of my existence, and 2. It was easier to hide things from me. If you had ever been serious about trying again, you would have changed this when I kept mentioning it, not just saying that it needs to be changed. And the kicker was a lovely profile photo you used earlier this month of you and a girl. There were never any photos of us, let alone using one as a profile picture. I was kept completely hidden from your profile, obviously for the reasons stated above. It really got me down when I kept seeing my friends pop up in my news feed, tagging their gf's in posts, uploading photos of them together, female friends being allowed to tag their boyfriends and actually being allowed to have them on their friends list. Again I accepted it. Ridiculous.

I don't really have that much to say about the gift and card to your ex, other than it was absolutely disgusting to do that behind my back and then have me believe that Christmas was such a wonderful and magical time, and also accusing me of it being a lie. I regret wasting that time with you when I could have spent it with people who care about me. Your actual GF at the time (me) didn't get a card. Granted I didn't give you one, I bought one and wrote it out but didn't give it, but I didn't send one to my ex. I don't buy your excuse for that, saying it was a final goodbye in order to move on. Because I know that you told her you were not with anyone because you were still too upset. That you were still contacting her throughout our time together, trying to manipulate her into getting back together with you even though we were together at the time. This is disgusting. If you didn't want me, I wish you had just told me. I also hate the fact that you nagged me to spend New Years Eve with you after knowing that the week previous, you had sent this gift and card and I had no idea. Again, this could have been a time that I should have spent with people who care about me.

Then, 2/3 weeks after New Years Eve, you were posting updates on a dating site in JANUARY. A time, when according to you, things were great and going really well between us. I thought the same, but my God, what a sham it was. Not to mention creating that profile around the time we got together, asking people to inbox you if they had any naughty tricks. So I guess you were looking for sex on the side whilst being in a relationship with me. I will never know. But it's clear now that it is all you have been after. You are just not a one-woman kind of man. It was what you were after when you messaged me on Plenty of Fish. But then as time wore on and I tried time and time again to get out of it, you lied, told me what I wanted to hear to keep me around. That is so cruel to do to anyone, even if you don't give a crap about them. You could have just let me go, to move on with my life and just have sex with anyone as that was what you were after. And this is after you said to me I 'had shown my true colours' when I confronted you about being online on POF about a day or 2 after YOU asked me to 'be your girlfriend'. You claimed you were deleting it. You did, but then set another up in it's place. I don't understand at all why you were even with me because you obviously didn't really want that.

I have never been anything but decent to you. I always took an interest in your interests. I realise now that looking back, all the time we spent together, was mainly doing what you wanted to do. It didn't bother me at the time because I loved spending time with you. I always made time for you, I sacrificed spending time with my own friends to be with you on weekends at your house, and also to spend time with your friends when you wanted me to. I would never have done anything to hurt you. There were times when you said I had, and that made me so sad, but in actual fact it was me getting hurt all along.

I have always wondered why I wasn't good enough and what I did to deserve all of this. And the answer is nothing. I didn't deserve a single thing, any of it and I am most definitely good enough. I am a very decent person and I deserve so much better than what you offered and did to me. And with the way you acted, everything you did, you did not deserve me. I was treated like an idiot, like dirt, and I was an idiot to put up with any of it.

As for hating you, hate is a very strong word and I am not a hateful person. I should hate you, but I don't. I do however hate how you treated me and everything you did. I am just numb and so very sad.

It is my problem now to deal with, to pick up the pieces and to move on. I also despise the fact that given everything, I still care about you and I always will. My aim now is to move past this, to heal and reach a place of peace and to find someone who will treat me how I deserve to be treated. I do have to thank you for making me realise what I will, and will not tolerate and warning signs to look out for concerning future relationships.

You have no idea how much I wanted to try again and for things to work out. I wanted that so very very much. But how very cruel to ask me to do that when you knew how upset I was about breaking up in the first place, and were continuing to take part in the things that split us up. I expressed that I thought we needed to move on from each other. I thought that was the best thing to do. I got to a point where I thought I was doing ok, but eventually you wore me down and I started to wonder if indeed it could work, or at the very least we could be friends. But it didn't. It could never have worked with all that you were doing behind my back. But I will always regret that it never worked out.

Right now I am so deflated and feel so sad and alone. It feels like the only person I want to comfort me is you, but you cannot. And how very pathetic of me to even feel that way, as you were the one who caused all of this pain.

I apologise for anything I ever did or said that hurt you. I really hope that you can get to the bottom of why you do what you do so that you don't repeat the same mistakes again with future partners. I will never forget the times we spent together even though it seems it was all based on lies and deceit. There were times when I was incredibly happy and I will miss all of the things we did and all of the silliness and just you.

Despite everything, I will miss you so, so much and I will never forget you. I wish you no ill will. I wish only the best for you.

I sincerely hope that you find happiness.

(hurtagain)

His reply...

After reading this I feel so absolutely disgusted with myself. I am a fucking piece of shit. I would have updates on POF and would look on there and forget to delete but that's abhorred behaviour. I will miss you absolutely loads, i did want to try again and when I didnt want to drink after my parents it was honestly because I felt so full and gross after food I just wanted to come back and cuddle. I did bad things (I never slept with anyone and people are honestly my friends but doesn't matter now) and i foolishly thought I could brush my mistakes and past demons under a rug and try again Because I really wanted to. i was scared all the time because of myself. I mind you loads and loved the silly things we did.

Manipulation? Or his way of goodbye?


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading about the ways that ex's have spoken about wanting to do something to fix the relationship but not ever doing anything just brought up so many memories. Know that you are not alone!

When I left, I was constantly told that I wasn't doing enough - as in, I wasn't doing everything and so that wasn't enough. I was told that I had to "give" and "compromise" yet there was nothing in return. I was expected to jump when he said jump and drop everything when he felt he wanted to get together (at the last minute - usually meaning dropping appointments or calling in to work) and when I didn't was told that I didn't care enough about him.

One thing that I remember was that I *gasp* expected him to figure out something that he could do to help heal what was between us. I clearly stated the problem but refused to state a solution because I was tired of stating what I wanted as a solution, being told it would happen and then never seeing any change. I decided that a huge part of the change I wanted was to simply act with decency and be normal. Part of normal is taking time to figure out something to do to make a change instead of waiting for someone else to do everything for you. (I was told this was a double standard because I decided to step back and not do for him - which he claimed was expecting him to do everything and it wasn't fair to say I was tired of doing everything and then to expect him to "do everything" ).

After he told me he couldn't find any information, a 10 second google search showed up multiple articles about avoiding divorce, healing a marriage etc which I sent him. He was furious - apparently, according to him, I already had the answers but was expecting him to figure those answers out without giving him enough information.

*sigh* He KNEW the answers - he'd parroted them to me for years. He simply wasn't actually willing to turn the words into actions. He wanted the glory of a perfect relationship without actually doing the work to get it.

Remember that promises without actually following through are useless. Wait for the change, for the behavior that he promised before getting any hope up. And in the case of an N, wait for a month or six (or more) before you decide if the actions are real heart changes or if they're just a fašade that he's put on in order to reel you back in.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Manipulation. You need to walk away and don't look back.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Manipulation, Back away from this guy.

Hurt, you wrote him a heartfelt and lengthy letter, saying all you needed to say to him. He sent you 1 effing paragraph. In typical N fashion..You baked him a cake, decorated it for his birthday gave it to him celebrated with him. And when it comes time to reciprocate, he bakes a cake eats it and gives you the crumbs. And you are expected to give him credit for baking the cake for you even though you never even got the cake!

It is all about HIM... He is disgusted with himself.. He was so stupid to leave his POF account still up... HE..... he...Blah blah blah..

Where is YOUR apology? Hurt no where in that 1 little paragragh does he acknowledge the pain HE CAUSED you. He acknowledges his pain his disgust...how your reactions have caused HIM pain. But not one mention of you and your pain. Or the fact that he even caused you pain.

Read up on Narcissists... they are their own breed of hell. Trust me on this.

Think about it... take all his pretty words and silence them. Look at your relationship thru the eyes of a camera... play the mind movies of the relationship.. but without the sound of his voice... this way you only see action without words...what do you see? Play the movie all the way thru...

With my XH.. if we were in public and he had an audience.. it was good. when in private it was a whole different movie. His actions toward me were not consistent with someone who was supposed to love me. I was a prop to the image he portrayed to his audience.

Narcissism cannot be cured, Even the Psychs list it in the incurable section of their classifications. If the experts can't change N's, why do we think if we love them enough they will change. They won't, but they will suck us dry (like a vampire) and toss us aside for someone new to suck the life out of.

Honey, You are worth so much more than the crumbs he is giving you.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HURT, your boyfriend IS a rapist. He just may not have found the right victim yet. Or maybe he has and you just don't know it. Either way, a guy who does what he did to you is most certainly a rapist waiting to happen. Some women won't fight as much as you did, because they've been conditioned not to by years of abuse during childhood. It's still rape. All that man needs is the right victim. You should stay far the hell away from him.


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

irrelevancy,

That just all sounds so familiar. There were many times he blamed me for things. His big one was that I wasn't showing him enough affection. He battered me via text for weeks over that and I felt so guilty and confused and explained why it might have been and offered him the chance to work things out. He kept me dangling on, only when I said if he didn't want to work it out then we would just have to end it did he start asking me what could be done to fix things. This went on and on. I am so angry about that time considering all that was going on behind my back! There was never any effort at all to sort it out. I can't believe I was so stupid as to want to either.

Kajem,

I actually thought the same. I wasn't expecting a reply, nor did I really want one but when I got one, I was pretty angry that that is all he wrote. If someone had wrote me such a lengthy letter I would have addressed each and every point in it and tried to explain. Most of it was just ignored.

I like the idea of looking at the relationship through a camera with silence and just looking at his actions. When I take his words away there's not much left. What is left is time spent together doing what he wanted to do, not quality time. Sex I wasn't happy with and cheating on me. Many sleepless nights worried about the state of the relationships and crying myself to sleep thinking I wasn't good enough and racking my brains as to why.

Coraline,

Thank you.I'm still trying to get this to sink in but I know you are right.

I wasn't intending to reply to him but I did last night.

There are only two more messages between us. I am not going to reply to the last one. I am done but it's going to be hard.

Me: My intention was not to make you feel like shit. Please do not feel anything of the sort. There is no need for you to feel anything anymore. We both just need to move on and past this.

It was just stuff that I felt the need to say before closing this chapter. Nothing more and nothing less. Aside from all the lying and cheating, emotional cheating if not physical, you could have and would have been a wonderful person to be around.

Friends of the opposite sex would have been fine, had things not been kept a secret from me. A person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.

I think I have now said all I wanted to say. Anything else that comes to me, I will keep to myself.

I hope in future you will be able to overcome the feeling of being scared and give yourself a chance to be happy.

Best Wishes

Him: You didn't make me feel shit. You made me realise what i had done. I honestly feel terrible at how i have been and If I could reverse Time I would so much. I am going to miss you so much, you might not believe me but its true.

If I see you about I honestly would love to hang around you in the very least. You're a wonderful person.

I was a bit confused by his response. Hang around me? What? He had the chance to do that many times.

What I don't get is that even when they know that you know exactly what they are like, why do they still try? Try to stay in contact I mean instead of just closing the lid on it and moving on.

I've noticed he's been repeating stuff I have said in his replies. Mirroring I think.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me: My intention was not to make you feel like shit. Please do not feel anything of the sort.

It's just so crazy that you ended up apologizing there. That's one of the NPD powers, to somehow make you feel sorry for standing up for yourself..

My take on the letter? You wrote an awesome letter detailing how you felt, what he has done, and why it's not acceptable anymore.

His response? Oh, yeah, I'm an ass. I'm gonna miss all our fun times too (because I'm too NPD to actually want to fix any of my problems).

My ex mirrors me too, especially about the divorce. He sees the things I bitch at him about as far as breaking the rules (disparagement in front of the kids, sending messages through the kids, money, etc.), and then all of the sudden he is bullshit lying and accusing me of those things. He can't even come up with an original thought or argument. He just uses the ones I use against him against me..

Honestly, I think you should have burned that letter. You keep giving him a window into your soul, and you're giving the NPD exactly what he wants. Attention.

It's almost like you still have hope. If you just say the right thing you will get him to change. You are asking if it's manipulation or not. I'm sorry honey, but this guy is toxic. None of his responses are, "Holy shit! You're right! I need help! I'm gonna <xyz> to make sure I don't do this anymore." He's just asking you to stick around and accept him for who he is, so my vote is "manipulation."

I think it's over, you can't control him, you can't save him, and he is not anywhere close to being what you want or deserve in a relationship. And when you come to accept that, you will stop holding out hope and really begin to heal..

Hugs..


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1374 | Registered: Feb 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear, we should start a fertilizer farm with all the bullshit these toxic fukkers spew.
My xpet used to stand over the bed demanding "re-assurance!"
& not let me go to sleep.
Or, she'd grab my valise & scream bloody murder at the top of her lungs if I tried to get it back.
The fact that she did all that crazy shit is enough in itself - never mind she was having sex with whoever!
She even trapped me in a room & stood by the door, wouldn't let me leave until she finished screaming, same thing in a car once. ( I forget what it's called...false imprisonment?)

Forget figuring them out - figure you out, and why you'd spend one more second of you life in the deathstar's orbit.
You are worth so much more!


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt,

I have written my XH probably a thousand letters. I have poured my heart out to him numerous times. He has never read one of them...The first few he sent a reply.. and when we talked about it.. he had not one recollection of what I had written. He responded without reading a single word of my letter/email. After the first few did not get the attention they deserved, I still wrote..just didn't send them to him.

Your exchange with your X reminds me of my own exchange with my X.

It just isn't worth it... the more attention you give him the less attention you have for yourself. The same goes for time, thoughts, and energy. Save them for yourself. YOu can't heal from the toxicity without those things directed at yourself.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE..And Deserve better than this.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex mirrors me too, especially about the divorce. He sees the things I bitch at him about as far as breaking the rules (disparagement in front of the kids, sending messages through the kids, money, etc.), and then all of the sudden he is bullshit lying and accusing me of those things. He can't even come up with an original thought or argument. He just uses the ones I use against him against me..

Holy Cow, Yes!!! I was asked once why I wasn't more open about things that bothered me during counseling. My response was that anything I brought up would be brought up as something I was doing wrong in 3-6 months even though I wasn't doing it. He listens to my "complaints" not to give him guidance of things to change, but instead to store those items away in his mental toolbox so that down the line he can pull them out again and throw them at me.

Change of topic... I had to laugh at a school function for parents of new students. The principal was having a question/answer session and he (he's on the PTO) stood up and made comments. The principal gave permission for the comments but then when she took over again, he stayed up in front trying to take back the attention by making (sometimes inappropriate) jokes. They were laughed at so maybe it was just me who found them inappropriate - they were just slightly "off", not enough to truly peg as wrong but still not completely appropriate - but I found it interesting to watch. He couldn't just sit there and be a parent, he had to get up front and not just be up front, he had to interrupt the principal to keep attention on him. Sure, he did it in a "funny" way but still.... and if he was to ever ask if he was inappropriate, I'm sure he'd be assured that it was "fine" even if the principal truly was offended but I just had to shake my head and remind myself that he hasn't changed one bit. Even in public when he's not being abusive, he still has to be the center of attention and he simply doesn't know how to handle himself if he's on the sidelines.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Butterfly,

I know! Everytime I feel I may have said something to hurt him or he lets me know I have then I just feel so awful. I feel like I'm kicking a puppy, especially with his 'Please don't hurt me anymore'. Having said that, the other part of me is pretty sure that my words have no effect at all. They don't make him sad or feel hurt, they are just nothing to him and he has no feelings.

It is almost as if I still have hope, but in a way not because I really know there is no hope here at all. I just have to move on. I haven't replied to him and I made arrangements to drop all of his stuff back with his friend today. I did that earlier and it has made me feel a little better as I don't have that hanging over me anymore.

Thank you to everyone else too. I'm going to keep posting here to stop me replying to him or contacting him.

[This message edited by HURTAGAIN1981 at 12:44 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is almost as if I still have hope, but in a way not because I really know there is no hope here at all.

Near the end I think the hope isn't that you will get back together, but that you get some sort of genuine "sorry" from him, some justification, some admitting of all the mind fucks. Sadly, we never get that from an NPD either, and we just have to live without it..

More hugs..


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1374 | Registered: Feb 2013
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