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User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone, for your advice.

Here's the latest (I just filed last week):
STBX secured his condo today, bought the kids bunk beds and sheets, spoke with his lawyer (female), and is moving along like he is excited for his new beginning. Just. like. that. After 20 years..... It makes me feel like a tossed-aside piece of trash. WTF? Has he been wanting out for years and just never had the balls to do it? What a fucking asshole!

And, I am so pissed at how he is doing it - he is such a fucking coward that he never even told me that he wasn't going to be doing the STD/CSAT thing, and that he didn't want our M - just never mentioned it again. He is such a fucking cowardly, weasely slimeball - I fucking hate him. How can you change on a dime from "I'll do anything to save our M" to "I've got my condo secured and decorated and I move out in a couple of days?"
I will never understand how he thinks....

This is so awful...... I go from angry to crying within minutes and the cycle keeps repeating. He seems like he has moved on already. I am just in shock on how a person could be so cold. And, if he hates me that much that it is so easy for him to move on, WHY DID HE STAY M TO ME?!!!! That is so fucking cruel and cowardly.

He showed me a list of things he wants to take out of the house and it is just clothes, pictures, dishes, towels, etc. He is also taking his telescope (which he has never used in the 10+ years he's had it) and he wrote "gift" next to it, as though he needs the extra justification to take a fucking telescope that no one knows how to use from our house. He also wrote "gift" next to his Starbucks coffee maker that his mommy bought him for Christmas.

How long does this last? I thought I was doing well with detachment, but it hurts for someone to actually seem excited that they are getting divorced from you only a couple of days after filing. Argggghhhhhh!!!!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so awful...... I go from angry to crying within minutes and the cycle keeps repeating. He seems like he has moved on already. I am just in shock on how a person could be so cold. And, if he hates me that much that it is so easy for him to move on, WHY DID HE STAY M TO ME?!!!!

(((((nandn)))))

It took me a long time to realize and accept that my X doesn't feel emotions. To him I am an object, That is how he replaced me so quickly.

When I told him to leave, I was not being the dutiful Kajem he thought I was. Therefore I was tainted property, I couldn't be trusted anymore to support him.

Kind of like when you drive a new car for years and do nothing to maintain it..well when something happens - you start to question whether the car has what it takes to take you on a long trip.
^^That was how my therapist explained my XH to me.

It's easy to replace a car... and in my XH's life... once he found new supply- it was easy to replace me.

nandn, you grew a backbone... he needs you to be spineless and to always put him first... to the point where you are loosing yourself in ways you can't even think about. EVERYTHING has GOT To be about him.... even your underwear choices need to be about him. When they aren't... well then (to a NPD) you are defective and need to be replaced - like a car.

REAL people (aka HUMANS) feel and can't turn off those feelings quickly. They need to be worked thru before those feelings dissipate.( Of course they could be denied and stuffed, but that just puts off the work till a later date.)

Keeping us off balance also has the benefit to the NPD... by doing that they can STILL eek out supply from us, granted in much smaller increments...but those smaller increments are a bit more intense on the supply.

Deep breaths... and remember... YOU are a warm, loving, beautiful human who can care deeply about someone, letting that someone go is going to hurt. Even if that someone is not good for us, your pain shows just how deeply you can love someone.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds about right!

I bought shoes... what did you buy? Or what will you buy?

[This message edited by Kajem at 3:00 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem, that graphic is perfect and SPOT ON! Although when we were together I was too afraid of him to go shopping. Or do anything to make myself feel better. Which, of course, made all the little things I did for myself after giving him the boot all the more gratifying.

N&N, you have been D&D'd. What's D&D, you ask? It's Dumped and Devalued. As soon as a narcissist or a socio or psychopath determines you're not going to give them their ego supply, you no longer have value. You are no longer of service to them. You are the empty tube of toilet paper. You served your purpose. No need to keep you around. No value.

N&N, the total length of my relationship with STBX is also 20 years. Twenty years. That's a huge f-ing number. He made no effort. He went through a few charades of crying and saying he wanted to make things work. But those words were meaningless before the sound waves had finished bouncing around in the room. There was no action on his part.

I now think of STBX as the paw I had to chew off to escape the trap of my marriage. He's not the only one who can ultimately devalue another human being. Difference is, I feel it and I'll always have a limp.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8784 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I posted here once before but I am now officially joining 'The Tribe'.

nandn,

I read your entire conversation with him 2 pages back and was gobsmacked. It sounded EXACTLY like conversations I had with xNPD. Obviously the content was slightly different but the whole tone and tune of it the same.

I noticed during the conversation, which is the same as what happened with me is that you were saying most of it. His answers were sometimes one word answers, basically NOTHING to say to what you were actually saying to him. He basically repeated what you said to him when he did actually have anything of substance to say. And the one thing first noticed was that earlier in the conversation, it was as if he was trying to manipulate YOU into asking him to give it another go. I am not sure if that is how it came across to you and also others here too.

I also see the name 'hon' dropped in here and there. It's as if they think if they call us a nice name it will work in their favour, when really, during a serious conversation like that, there is no place for such names!

I have read the update on your situation too, and I cannot believe the U-turn he pulled after saying all the shit he said. It's unfathomable. I am curious, did he pull this new shit of moving out and decorating with no conversation between the original of what you posted and what he is saying now? If so, that is very messed up!

[This message edited by HURTAGAIN1981 at 8:29 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HURT,
Thanks for your thoughts on our convo. I think you are spot on. I still don't always see the manipulation, so thank you for pointing it out to me.

And yes, he talked about moving out and decorating the day after he led me to believe that he was going to work on himself to help fix the M. He never told me that he wasn't going to commit to the M anymore, he just started talking about his L appt and getting a condo; never said that he had changed his mind and didn't want to work on the M. I just can't believe it. But, that is his MO (like many NPDs and waywards): all talk and no action.

Thank you Kajem for the car analogy - that helped a lot. Also for the reminder to go shopping!

NG, thank you for your support. I like your analogy of chewing off your paw to get out of the trap of your M. Sucks that they get to walk around looking healthy, but we are the ones who will always walk with a limp.....

And lastly, a question:
He came into our bathroom while I was taking a shower last night to ask me a question. I felt so violated. He also took a shower in our bathroom this morning even though he sleeps downstairs and has a shower down there (although just a prefab one; not the rain shower/spa side showers that we have in our master bathroom) - again, I feel violated. How do I tell him these things are not acceptable without sounding bitter, angry, etc.? I want to sound strong when I am setting these boundaries with him and not like I am being P/A or vengeful (because I am not).


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N&N, I'm chiming in late because my internet has been out. But I have to tell you, what you've written is almost word for word the conversation(S!) I had with EXN before I tossed him. My son kept looking at me like I needed a straight jacket, because I kept laughing like a loon about how much of that I'd heard. Not that I think your situation is funny, but when it's all said and done, and you are where I am, you will find it amusing how same-scripted our stories all are. Some details differ, but overall, it's like a soap opera, and the characters sometimes change, but they've used the same scripts for so long, you know how it's going to happen.

I hope you are feeling better about things today. I know it hurts to feel discarded after all those claims of love and fidelity. The one most important thing I heard in the beginning of my journey is, "He never loved you." It hit hard, and it hurt like the dickens. But it was the truth I needed to grasp in order to understand that if he never did, he never would. So I was free to let go of all of it, and move on. Easier typed than done, I agree. But it is all scripted, all the same storyline, and all lies.

Be good to yourself, do what you need to for you, and let go of him and his bs, lies and manipulations. You belong to yourself now.

As for the shower thing? Just politely say something like, "Since we are D'ing, I'm not comfortable with you being in my bathroom anymore. Especially when I'm using it. Use the one downstairs." He doesn't need an explanation bigger than that. Or deserve one.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SoHurt. Would you give an example of how your script was the same as mine? I hear it over and over, but don't think I really grasp it.

I feel as you do, that he never really loved me. So sad, but I'm glad I'm not going through another minute with him by my side (or stabbing me in the back....)

I do feel better today - thank you all.

How do you think I am doing with his phone calls? He called 4 or 5 times yesterday to get my permission to rent his condo and buy the kids bunk beds. I didn't answer at all. He didn't leave a vm.

Today, he called about finances; within a minute or two, he had texted me, left a vm on my cell, emailed me and left a vm on our home phone. I called him back bc I had a question about finances for him.

When we talk, my most common phrase is, "Is there anything else?" bc it seems like he wants to prolong the convo and I am just impatient to get it over with.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
want_to_forgive
♀ Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Texting fun with my off the charts NPD ex, the father of my 18 year old DD:

Background: We havenít been together since she was 4. He has been in and out of her life, mostly out, all that time. After she reached an age where she started calling him out on his bullshit and wasnít feeding his supply he was done with her.

Two nights ago we got in a huge blow up over something really stupid, and he proceeded to send the nastiest, most hurtful texts to my DD. He went on and on about how disrespectful she is, how she doesnít care about anyone but herself, and get thisÖ how he now has a wonderful little girl in his life who loves him and thatís all he needs. (He is getting married and will have a 10 year old step-daughter.) My DD was sobbing.

So last night I decided to make a clean break from him once and for all. My DD is 18 and I donít have to attempt to co-parent with him anymore. I wonít post the entire conversation but here is the kicker:

ME: Go back and read your texts from your teenage daughter asshole. She is begging for something from you. Love? What a concept! Instead you tell her she has been replaced by a better model.

HIM: Thatís bullshit, I never said that. She will never be replaced.

ME: I saw the text with my own eyes.

HIM: Well I love (10 year old step-DD) and guess what she loves me and thinks Iím wonderful. So yes where should I devote my energy to, somebody who doesnít give a ratís ass about me or somebody who worships the ground I walk on? I canít change the past and I am done trying too.

ME: If you ever have time away from thinking about yourself look up narcissistic personality disorder. I have done a lot of research and you are off the charts. If you actually do try to help yourself by checking it out you will understand why I am done communicating with you forever. Good luck.

HIM: We should be square financially, so Iím fine with us not being friends.

ME: Oh we are not square, you still owe $3000 in child support, the longer you take to pay the more it will grow, so by all means, take your time.

HIM: F*ck you you money grubbing c*nt, when you get my taxes you will be paid off.

ME: Wow, c*nt. Nice language. And me, the mother of your child.

HIM: Loose my number.

ME: OK

I feel so bad for my DD, he is a cancer that has eaten at her soul.


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nandn,

WH: ok, well, I think I said what I wanted to say in the letter - is there any, I mean, when you file for D, it sounds like it's final, so I don't know if there's any room there to consider anything - or if you've made up your mind and you just want to get on with it.

n: I didn't do it (file for D) lightly...

WH: no, honey, I understand, nobody does that lightly. I know that. So, I just thought - if there's any chance - of anything.... I'd be remiss not to explore it, so. Before I was thinking, that's what you did, that's what you want to do and I'll just go along, but, you know - if there's any space there to try to reconcile, I want to explore it, that's all.

n: there's been space for a year and you've done nothing.

It was this part in particular that came across to me as if he wanted you to say more about working through it or asking him to try again...


I read it again and it's all the 'ok's' and 'I don't know's' that REALLY get on my nerves, I've had them too!

One thing in my conversations was when I said anything about what I was feeling, usually profound sadness at the time, he would just say 'same'. SO ANNOYING!

In the beginning of all the trouble with xNPD, was telling me how sad he was that I didn't give him enough attention bla bla bla. I had enough on my plate at the time with my mother being in hospital and he knew this. I explained why I had been like I had... He kept on and on going around in circles so I would explain again, saying that we can work on it if he is willing, but I can't make him try. Around in circles some more until I said that I wasn't going to beg him or ask him try try again, if he wanted to the option is there, and if not just to say. Then he changed tactics and started asking me how things would be different, how things could improve, bla bla bla. It went on and on like that.

When I discovered some of the less savoury things that he had been up to behind my back, I ended it myself. He was fine with it at first, basically said ok, didn't put up a fight or ask why. Then he started messaging me, then came the 'I miss you's' and 'can we try again's'.

I still haven't gotten rid off him completely. I am working through that and it is getting a little easier.

I know he never loved me, never ever said that to me either but I do know that I will be better off without him than he will be without me!


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wtf - wow, you are not kidding when you say your ex is "off the charts" NPD. Here is my favorite part of your convo with him:
HIM: Well I love (10 year old step-DD) and guess what she loves me and thinks Iím wonderful. So yes where should I devote my energy to, somebody who doesnít give a ratís ass about me or somebody who worships the ground I walk on? I canít change the past and I am done trying too.

OMG, I love how he even uses the words "worships the ground I walk on" - PURE supply for the narc. And that the only thing that matters about children is how they treat him. What about being an ADULT and having an ADULT relationship with your DD? What about being the bigger person and trying to mend the relationship? What about being in your DD's life because you're her dad? There are no words for his NPDness.

I am glad that you can be done with him now that DD is 18 and I love how you told him to take as long as he likes to pay the owed CS.

HURT - thank you. Yes, I see how in that part of the convo that you posted he was trying to get me to beg for him back. I like at the beginning how I told him if he had anything to say, I would be happy to disucss and he said, "well, everything I wanted to say is in the letter." So you're speechless when you're trying to save your M?

The other thing that gets me is one word that he used, both in his letter and in our convo: remiss. As in, he woudl be remiss to not try to reconcile. First of all, is this a M or a business transaction? I looked up the exact definition and it said "lacking care or attention to duty" and that really resonated with me. STBX does everything out of guilt, "duty," obligation, etc. He doesn't do what he wants to do; he does what he ought to do or what he feels guilted into doing (many thanks to his mother for the decades of manipulation and guilt-induction). So, he isn't even wanting to save our M because he wants to in his heart, it is because he feels a "duty" or obligation to. I feel so honored.

With your circular conversation with xNPD, I know the feeling. I was getting the feeling that instead of my STBX committing to the M wholeheartedly and putting himself out there for me to reject, it's almost as though he wants a guarantee that I will take him back if he tries. So bassackwards.

And about the feelings - they don't have feelings (and they immediately stuff them if they do), so they have to mirror others' feelings. That's why you got "same" when you would tell your feelings.

He is home now, playing with the kids and I am in the bedroom with SI. He has been coming home 2 hours early every night since I filed (he was NEVER home for dinner previously and at least once a week not home for bedtime) - I'm sure it's a custody tactic.

I'm so glad for SI and this thread! We are all in the same boat and we can understand and support each other.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And lastly, a question:
He came into our bathroom while I was taking a shower last night to ask me a question. I felt so violated. He also took a shower in our bathroom this morning even though he sleeps downstairs and has a shower down there (although just a prefab one; not the rain shower/spa side showers that we have in our master bathroom) - again, I feel violated. How do I tell him these things are not acceptable without sounding bitter, angry, etc.? I want to sound strong when I am setting these boundaries with him and not like I am being P/A or vengeful (because I am not).

LOCK the door. If there is not a lock on the bathroom door, have one installed that requires a key. Then use it. I wouldn't "say" anything to him.

I think the "script" that the others are referring to is how your STBXNPDH is so manipulative and such a liar. This is very much like all NPD's.

I was laughing too. Not because it's funny, but because it's so shockingly familiar. He is such an EXPERT at saying exactly what he knows you want to hear. What you need to hear, what you long to hear. The things he says are the SIMPLE things he needs to do to make your marriage work. And it's easy for him to say them, promise to do them, swear he will do them. (on Monday) But he DOES NOTHING!!

This behavior is hallmark of the NPD. The silver tongue. The smooth talker. But never any follow through.

For you, (us) it is so confusing, maddening, upsetting. Normal people don't act like this. When life gets to the critical stage like when divorce is on the line and minimum requirements are laid out, normal people either say, "I will try and meet these requirements or I don't want to." They don't promise to do everything and then do nothing.

For us this concept is so foreign, we can't even believe they are doing it! Even though it's happening right before our eyes.

I kept asking myself, "What is the point?" Obviously he didn't want to be married. Why continue to lie and lead me on? What was the point?

One thing I learned through all of this. You can't make sense out of nonsense.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His answers were sometimes one word answers, basically NOTHING to say to what you were actually saying to him. He basically repeated what you said to him when he did actually have anything of substance to say

That's because there's nothing of substance within them.
There's no there there.

It's like a fisherman, casting.
You're the fish.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning of all the trouble with xNPD, was telling me how sad he was that I didn't give him enough attention bla bla bla. I had enough on my plate at the time with my mother being in hospital and he knew this. I explained why I had been like I had... He kept on and on going around in circles so I would explain again, saying that we can work on it if he is willing, but I can't make him try. Around in circles some more until I said that I wasn't going to beg him or ask him try try again, if he wanted to the option is there, and if not just to say. Then he changed tactics and started asking me how things would be different, how things could improve, bla bla bla. It went on and on like that.

Wow this describes my XSO and my conversation to a T. Well exchange mother for unmarried pregnant DD and you have the same exact conversation. He ended it, because he wanted to explore a relationship with his 26yo just a friend.

I didn't think XSO was NPD.... I know XH is. Need to think on this a while.

This blew my mind...

Thanks.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still don't always see the manipulation

That is my problem too!
I think one reason we are targeted by narcs is that we are higher on empathy/compassion/kindness so its takes a lot longer longer for us to see through their "masks" of normality to the hidden monster that lies beneath. I kept making excuses for my then-H's bad behavior (work stress, family illness, moving, job hunting etc). In reality he was just devaluing me.

I read a great quote:
"If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair, youíre fooling yourself. Thatís like expecting the lion not to eat you because you didnít eat him."

That is the narc and us.
We need to realize they don't think like normal humans. They are monsters.

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 11:05 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2012
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much wisdom on this thread.

sad - thanks for the great explanation; really helpful.

jjct - you are the Master Jedi of NPD knowledge!

Kajem - sounds like a great breakthrough!

Phoenix - yes, I am up on the compassion/kindness scale - I can see why narcs would target us. Also like your lion analogy.

Update for tonight: I asked him to not walk in on me when I am showering and to no longer shower in our bathroom. He looked hurt/annoyed.

He came home tonight and I disappeared. We put the kids to bed. A little while later, I am in the master bedroom and he knocks on the door. Asks about what I said earlier: "If we are getting D'd, then you shouldn't be walking in on me in the shower." He asks (again) if this means that there is no chance for R. Is he serious?! He said that he knows I want him out of here and he wants to get out of here too to give us both some space.

I said that it's not up to me to choose to R; we both will do our thing and we'll see where it leads us. I am trying to avoid telling him yes I will R or telling him what he needs to do for me to R. I am not going to ask him if he has gotten his STD tests or if he has seen a CSAT. I will not. I will not. I will not!

I had asked him earlier if he could cover for me tomorrow so that I could go to my SA spouse group meeting. (I hated asking him, but we only meet twice a month and both my babysitters were unavailable.) So after he left from coming into my bedroom to ask if there was still a chance for R, he texts me, "I can cover for you for tomorrow night."

Thoughts on what is going on? I am feeling confused and I'm sure he's doing it to me on purpose. I'm pretty sure I'm being hoovered.

ETA: I think I know what he's doing. Maybe the whole "I've got my condo and L/I'm not doing anything that you've asked me to do/(surprised) Is there any hope for R?" is a P/A effort to get me to blow so that he can blame everything on me. "I wanted to R, but n&n didn't want to."

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 11:44 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thoughts on what is going on?

What does your gut say is going on? Stop, sit guietly and listen to that itty bitty voice inside you... what does it say about him? Go with that.

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and acts like a duck, what could it be? A N will have you believe it's a swan. But it's a duck.

There were times I was wondering WTF just happened with XH... and a therapist friend had me do the above exercise. It worked everytime. Everytime he did or said something that felt 'OFF' I would sit quietly and figure out my feelings and thru those feelings I could figure out WHY it bothered me. It wasn't always the delivery, but it was always the motive and the intent and context of the delivery.

If he announced the sky was orange with purple polka dots, would you look up or know in your gut that he is not telling the truth?

Trust your gut.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning of all the trouble with xNPD, was telling me how sad he was

Watch out for this. The charm attracts us, no doubt, but the poor widdle thing schtick hooks our empathy.
I remember catching this from having keylogged the computer she shared with her kids.
Stepson's messages to a girl he was attracted to was full of woe is me/the world is terrible stuff.
As he was a teen pet-in-training, I recognized the familiar hooking tactic from his mother, the poor little lost girl.

It seems that 'sadness' is the emotion they are most familiar with, and the one they can most easily mimic - since they're obviously sad about not getting their fair share, not getting their entitlement.
Also, despite the charm mask, being sad is their default, the thing they are most familiar with...inside, since they forever seek, back-and-forth,
between the monster they hate
and the constructed unicorn

...for something real.

If anything at all is true about N's, the closest thing is:
they are sad creatures.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he is serious nandn, and how ridiculous they are. It would not surprise me in the slightest that he was telling you about the apartment and what not in an over-excited manner to get a reaction from you. Something along the lines of maybe a 'WTF? I thought you said you wanted to work on the marriage?' then, he would have taken some of his 'power' back and you would then be the person bringing it up, trying to save the marriage and essentially asking him to try again, in a round about way of course.

I was thinking about this thread last night and I thought to myself that if I were married and I really wanted to save my marriage, I would be doing everything in my power to do so. Also going back to that conversation you had with him, it was almost as if he had a take it or leave it attitude towards you, when in fact he should have been on his knees begging you for another chance.

Kajem, I am glad that the example of my conversation helped you, I will try to dig out some of the weird and wonderful conversations and post them here later.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct,

That is very true. I think too that it works on us for the most part because it is something we have craved from them for so long. We have craved true feelings from them, anything of substance, something to show us that they actually do care about us.

I bet in reality your stepson was fine, that he didn't seem sad to you at all during that time her was messaging that girl.

Mine told me that he was so sad at work, he was hiding in the managers office amongst a pile of cardboard boxes. That he couldn't eat or sleep. The friend he lives with told me that he didn't seem sad at all.

I think he is sad with his life, he isn't happy with it. He did a TV and Film degree, nothing came of it but he had high hopes. He has mentioned many times that he wants to be famous and rich, when in reality he ended up working in a biscuit factory. He wants a better job, higher paid but doesn't do anything to make that happen.

He's impulsive with money. He doesn't drive but was having lessons and was close to passing his test and had money put aside to buy a car. Of course when he moved out, it was closer to where he worked. So the car went out of the window and he thought it was a good idea to spend £1400 on a custom made Judge Dredd costume. He's been working lots of overtime to cover this and other things but then thought it was also a good idea to blow £33 on a selection of novelty American sweets and food stuffs from the special section at the supermarket. It really doesn't make any sense to me at all.


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