Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: z1x2606 (43216)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry (((n&n))), I just see it as a bunch of empty-speak.
Like reciting catch-phrases to try to hoover you. Any question requiring introspection or authenticity is met with a *thud*.
"I don't know"

I was beginning to panic ... It made me realize that I still love you and care deeply about you.
The panic is his dawning awareness (however dim) that he's about to lose his supply.

give me one last chance
We need to write a song. We'll call it "The Abuser's Anthem". That is the lead-line of the chorus.

I will do absolutely anything to save our M and our family.
Again. Just words. Empty.
Should be followed with
"except"
get tested.

The whole thing about 'who you gonna tell?' is about damage control...aka 'logistics'

To cap off our un-nutritious narcissistic banquet, I give you the Pièce de résistance!

Now I understand what you've been going through and I just feel awful, terrible.
Yeah, me too buddy. Watch.


Posts: 6020 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I get is circular N speak.. my X does it.

The STD testing he says he has only been with you for the last 20 years. So if his test comes back positive... he'll blame you.

Yep.. sounds just like my X.

N don't give him any more kibbles.... UNLESS he does something... testing, anything that you want him to do. Then give the puppy a treat. Till then NC. It isn't worth hearing the swirling circular talk, it all just gets confusing and is meant to throw you off balance. Which he seems to do very well.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4027 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, jjct and Kajem. I am so grateful for the two of you and how active and knowledgable you are in giving others advice!

Update: I have told him we are going through with the D; we'll see what his actions show. He has the ability to start tomorrow. We'll see.....


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, the whole "I will start on Monday" thing is what just kept tripping me up. It's always "I'm gonna... " but "it won't be enough..."

I am exhausted from reading all that exercise in drivel!

Stop talking to him. He has nothing to say.


(((tribe)))

oh, and jj? thanks for the Phil Collins earworm... I went ahead and changed up the lyrics but don't you see how it is a NPD anthem already?? It is all about "I" and the responsibility to HELP HIM so he can MAKE you see... It is the npd version of true love and the fear that if you don't give him one more night/chance... he won't be there forever (YAY and IF ONLY!!) and of course the threat to follow if you leave.

One more chance, one more chance...
I've been trying ooh so long to let you know
Let you know how I feel
And if I stumble if I fall, just help me back
So I can make you see

Please give me one more chance, give me one more chance
One more chance cos I can't wait forever
Give me just one more chance, oh just one more chance
Oh one more chance cos I can't wait forever

Like a river to the sea
I will always be with you
And if you sail away
I will follow you

Give me one more chance, give me just one more chance
Oh one more chance, cos I can't wait forever
I know there'll never be a time you'll ever feel the same
And I know it's only words
But if you change your mind you know that I'll be here
And maybe we both can learn


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5301 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, the whole "I will start on Monday" thing is what just kept tripping me up. It's always "I'm gonna... " but "it won't be enough..."

That's where I was hung up too! What was he so busy doing before Monday?? (not that it matters)


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear they are like frigging toddlers or puppies..although toddlers and puppies are cute and offer love unconditionally!

The toddler mindset "I'm not gonna do it and YOU can't make me!" mindset is just ... well... mind blowing. Did they never grow up!

When my kids were little I read a book on disciplining Preschoolers. I think it was called Positive Parenting for Preschoolers or something like that. Anyway... I remember XH reading it and saying he was going to try some of the suggestions with his office staff. I ran an in home daycare from 7am -6pm. When X got home I was still in the positive disciplining mode and was working it on him.

My marriage was great at that time. Of course it could be because he would come home early and have a bunch of kids yelling and wanting his attention.. his kids plus everyone elses kids. He would get on the floor and play with them and they loved him for it. Think adoration from the smallest of humanity... HE ATE IT UP.

Just like a puppy.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4027 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numbandnauseous
No matter how many times I see it here, I always find the contradictions of the NPD so flabbergasting!

Here he is...at the end of his marital rope. He has had over a YEAR to get his shit together. And has done a big fat nothing to repair any damage he has done. He acknowledges doing nothing. Yet he still begs for another chance to do...what? He's not quite sure, but whatever it is, he will not start until Monday. MONDAY!!???

My bet is you will get a big fat nothing today.

Unbelievable.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, you guys crack me up. I'm at a restaurant alone reading SI and laughing uncontrollably - the people in the nice white suits will be coming to take me away soon...

The Monday thing is hysterical to me too. He claims it is because the CSAT offices/STD clinics are not open on the weekend.

I'll keep you posted.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone....

You have a whole tribe to take to the restaurant with you! But unless you want the white suit guys to show up, just ask for a table for one.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5301 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
loveisareddress
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What happened when you 180'd your N?

Did they mope and sleep a lot?

Did they try to get a flurry of activity started-trips, outings, etc?

Did they 180 back?

Get more agressive?

Claim illness or injury to try and get attention?


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2012
loveisareddress
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love how they promise anything and give you nothing.

They'll do anything to suck you back in and nothing when you arrive.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2012
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loveis, mine would actually call me every 5 days during our separation. Every time I broke down and answered his call it was about his needs, his pain and his tears about leaving his family (read that as ego kibble neighbors and the gutter slut). It left me a basket case and in huge crying jags for days. At the time I didn't know enough about npd's to understand that he didn't give a shit about me or reconciliation. I finally figured out his pattern and on that 5th day I refused to answer my phone. That started the first of many days of nonstop calls and verbal abuse.

Then I began to hear from friends and our hair dresser about our divorce (news to me since he was promising me he never wanted a divorce). He was telling people that he hasn't been happy being married for years, again new to me, that I didn't like his music and the biggy...I didn't like one of the neighbors (yup! The gutter slut). I was so pissed that I posted a message on Facebook 'stop lying about why I left you, admit that you cheated with 5 women and the gutter slut neighbor. Wow, did I poke the bear!! He began stalking me in person and online until he was served with divorce papers. That was when he went NC with me. That was the best day of my life.

I have been very lucky with my xnpdwh, he has completely cut me out of his life as if I never existed.


Edited for stupid iPad auto correct.

[This message edited by soverybetrayed at 9:03 PM, June 24th (Monday)]


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

loveis,

He was not in the house. We separated and he was working out of state. So I am not sure if this is the same as what you are asking.

But for what it is worth, his behavior was to call. OVER and OVER and OVER and over and over... He would leave messages that said if I did not pick up he was going to call 911. He called a lady at our church to ask her to babysit our boys so I could job hunt... Because I was totally ready and prepared post dday to go from SAHM to a job interview. I had to field the call from this lady who called me to ask WHEN I needed her to watch the boys...

Then he emptied the bank account, stopped sending money, password locked me out of the utilities and informed me that I could not be trusted with money so HE would pay all the bills and buy what HE deemed we needed. He pulled the grocery receipts and accused me of having a "sour cream habit" that he refused to "support."

All of this was from a distance. I don't know what it would be like to do this face to face with the npd bear.

I do know that everything you suggested is within the realm of possible. And that whatever they get response from is what they will do again. Remember, you are conditioning their behavior with your response. If you cry or rage or cower in fear, you have tagged a behavior as one that works on you. Practice the no response, dead eyes look.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5301 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What happened when you 180'd your N?

They definitely don't like losing control. It seems that most NPDs will do whatever it takes to try to bring you back into the realm of their control.

Like CG reports, mine began stalking me and calling me non-stop. He stole things from the house and copied and deleted files from our computer. He also grilled the children for information on my activities.

Be prepared for any and all sorts of NPD crazy to come out.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to update that you guys were right - my NPDs "remorse" (wanting to do ANYTHING to save the M) lasted for a grand total of ........................ 2 days!

He came home tonight all bubbly about the condo he's going to look at; says he should be able to be out of the house in a week or so. Also that he is seeing a L tomorrow. No mention of STD testing or CSAT appt that he was all gung-ho about yesterday.

What should I expect next? I know I have to watch my back.....


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He came home tonight all bubbly about the condo he's going to look at; says he should be able to be out of the house in a week or so. Also that he is seeing a L tomorrow
i haven't read your entire story/posts but if you haven't seen an attorney, do it asap !
Make sure you legally get temporary, CS, visitation schedule, who is paying what house bills, the list goes on..
Don't believe he will take care of ANYTHING ! Remember he isn't the man you thought you married.
Document everything.
Get half of joint money tomorrow and open new acct.
Don't expect anything less than the liar and cheater he has shown you.
Big Hugs
Gma-XW to a POSNPDWH !!


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've already filed for D, so I have a L. I can't take any money since there are restraining orders on it now. But, I have my bitch boots on and I am ready to rumble!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I've already filed for D, so I have a L. I can't take any money since there are restraining orders on it now. But, I have my bitch boots on and I am ready to rumble!

Then you know the NPD drill well !


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make sure your lawyer knows you are dealing with someone with NPD... it ups the stakes, but also stops the attorney from thinking that his crazy is just talk and won't act. NPD's are known for their win at any cost attitude, a good lawyer will know ways to keep the NPD legally from hurting you.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4027 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N&N,

Do you plan on telling anybody?
is really really creepy

My NPDx had his BIGGEST rage was when he learned I told my family about his As... he WIGGED OUT. It was all about his reputation. I remember thinking, our M is falling apart and THAT is what you are concerned about? seriously?

He then hid $, paperwork, password locked me out of online accounts, etc. then accused me of doing that to him (even stealing money! he didn't realize he left an electronic paper trail linking him directly with the missing $!)

When I went NC he immediately lined up supply elsewhere, which was great for me as I didn't have to deal with him BUT I later learned he had been stalking me, monitoring me online, and hacking my phone.

Hide/copy whatever you can ($, valuables, financial records, passwords, photos, etc). Keep them in another location (office or rent a locker).

Also let others know. And let him know too. I made it clear that my lawyer had proof that he was stalking me and had been passive aggressive crazy just in case he was planning anything physically violent.

((((hugs)))


Posts: 412 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.