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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Trixie))))))

Welcome to the NPD forum. We call ourselves the Tribe.

If he isn't NPD, he still has his head up his arse. It is still all about him. The card was just a way to deliver his news. The graduation was a way for him to be congratulated for his DD's accomplishment. Especially if he hasn't been around or in contact.

Keep reading and writing your thoughts and feelings here. Don't grace him with your feelings or thoughts. NPD does not handle grace with the respect it deserves.

You will find away to regain your balance... he is gone. It won't take as much time as it has in the past, each time balance comes faster and faster.

Till then, we are here for you.


Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4024 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Trixie))
Sounds like he is trying to line up a free babysitter in your DD
:(

what a jerk - it was her day and he spun it around to be about him (that is characteristic of NPD, but this book gives a great description
http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Lovers-Cope-Recover-Move/dp/0882822837

If he is NPD his new wife is about to have her world fall apart once the baby starts to steal attention from him... so grab the popcorn and sit back.


Posts: 410 | Registered: Jun 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow.
Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On

Did you see those reviews?
It looks like we wrote them!
The description included:
shows why these self-loathers can't change, and offer hope for healing from their "N-fliction."

It's great that there are so many more resources nowadays. Thanks PR!
I think you nailed it too, about the free babysitter.
What a punk!

(((trixie))) Welcome here. Don't let the bastard grind you down. Use your knowledge as an advantage, and help your DD see. She, or no one else you love - need be supply any more.


Posts: 6018 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((trixie))) TRIXIE!!!! I remember you.

Girl, he is the most self-centered loathsome POS can't see the forest for staring in the MIRROR NPD zebraduck...

Now, how do you help your daughter? Be there. Lots of hugs. This "visit" from her father was more of a parade of attention seeking from him. "see my shiny new ring?" and just imagine the pity party story he'll have for the Howrecker back home...

Stand tall. Stand firm. You moved for good reason.

Welcome home. No new thread necessary.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants her to be a part of his life and especially her step-sister (such an idiot--would be half-sister....unless of course it is not his)

Hee, hee. Mine is just as stupid as he is mean too.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am over-reacting and he is not NPD--after all, he moved on and found someone and is happy and starting over and I am the one who is alone. I just want the karma to get him--seems as if he is so happy after he left his family in shambles. It is so not fair.

He definitely sounds NPD to me. What a self-centered ass to fill the graduation card with stuff about him. Where's the "congratulations" and "I love you" and "you're so smart" and "you will do great in life," etc???

Believe me, they are not as happy as they seem to you. I would bet money that she is nervous he will cheat again and keeps a close leash on him.. As the saying goes, if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you..

And I'm sure you could have some crappy surface relationship if you wanted. There's nothing wrong with focusing on yourself and your kids and waiting for the right man to come along when you are feeling ready. He needs to have someone else around to validate him, and you don't, and that shows a lot of strength and character on your part. You shouldn't be wishing for that crap at all. She is the sequel, taking over someone else's house and husband. That's pretty embarrassing if you ask me.. I'm sure you will do much better than that


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Feb 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4024 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
trixie2010
♀ Member
Member # 27422
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caregiver--I remember you too!! I hope you are well! Caulk guns!!!

I come back sometimes to read on here but rarely post anymore. I have been doing very well despite setbacks here and there.

You all are definitely right and thanks for getting me in the right step. I think sometimes it is easy to question whether they are NPD or not when it seems their life is going so well and they seem to have a good relationship. His entire letter to my daughter was about how happy he finally is.
How can he write this to his daughter on her graduation? It should have been all about her. She did so well despite all he has done to her--had to change schools 3 times--in Freshman, Sophmore and Junior years. She still received above a 4.2 at graduation (AP classes weighted more) and for her senior year had a 4.4. He never even acknowledged any of that.
She seems to be taking it better than me though. Go figure.
And Butterfly girl--you are so right--I do not want a relationship yet as the kids take up lots of my time but maybe someday!


Countless Ddays
WH confirms EA/denies anything else...??
possible R, not really sure will see how it goes
update--5-27-10--kicked his ass to the curb--she can have him!
He has been living with ow since June 2010.

Posts: 555 | Registered: Feb 2010
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@trixie... it's like a secret handshake Caulk guns!!!

You must be so proud of your daughter. And her stabilizing faster than you is because she has you and you are hurting/remembering/second guessing for TWO. The mama bear instinct is strong.

Of course he seems to be doing well! He is the playwright, stage director, leading man, audience and magazine review writer. Don't doubt for a minute there is a full orchestra that plays in his head too.

I am glad you are doing well. woot woot! celebrate!

time marches on...


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
trixie2010
♀ Member
Member # 27422
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@trixie... it's like a secret handshake Caulk guns!!!


Countless Ddays
WH confirms EA/denies anything else...??
possible R, not really sure will see how it goes
update--5-27-10--kicked his ass to the curb--she can have him!
He has been living with ow since June 2010.

Posts: 555 | Registered: Feb 2010
loveisareddress
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG!!

He's deranged!

Last week I was the worst wife evah and now he's talking about buying a house and family vacations.

WTF is his problem?

He rages and hoovers and expects me to act like we're all such a happy family.

I don't even want to be seen with him after he's been acting like this. I look at him and I can't believe I married that ugly, raging nasty thing.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keeping you off balance is a time-worn technique employed by manipulators and abusers.

They suck.
You don't.
Fuck them.

I don't even want to be seen with him after he's been acting like this. I look at him and I can't believe I married that ugly, raging nasty thing.

is progress,

This is better:

I don't even want to be seen with him... I look at him and I can't believe I married that ugly, raging nasty thing.

I remember that exact feeling. It was so liberating!


Posts: 6018 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Trixi!
Don't doubt yourself. He's NPD. Who does that?? In a graduation card? OMG.

Sounds like my NPD brother.

My cousin got married this past weekend. Family from all over the country came in for the wedding. Everyone was laughing about how their conversations with my brother went.

Them: Hi! How are you and your family doing?

NPD brother: We're going to Hawaii.

Them: How is your daughter doing since the accident?

NPD brother: Did you know we bought a new summer lake house?

[This message edited by sadtoo at 5:48 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
MissMarple
♀ New Member
Member # 39151
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading this thread for awhile now, and though WH hasn't been seen by the therapist to get diagnosed yet, I fear I am married to an NPD SA. Definitely SA, he is going to SAnon. He is incredibly selfish in all areas of his life. What scares me the most is the lack of empathy, compassion or any concern for others. Since I now see him for what he really is, he blames everything on me, and gets angry and defensive. I kicked him out of the house a week ago, and I'm contemplating a legal separation. I guess my question is, is there any hope of saving my marriage, even if he goes to SAnon and MC? I fear false R, as he keeps saying he's sorry, and goes to SAnon, but the focus is still on him and his pity party. We've only been to one MC session, and he lied to the MC (which I discovered after, this TT is hell!) Does anyone have a success story of R with NPD SA, or should I run for my life?


BS (me) 29
WH 29
Married for 7 years
One son age 4
D-day 4-29-13
Multiple hookers on Craigslist!!!
Getting ready to file.

Posts: 33 | Registered: May 2013
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the only very slim chance of successful R with an NPD is if they really want help and are dedicated to change. If he is lying to the MC, then he doesn't seem willing to accept responsibility for his actions or have a genuine desire to change, so I must advise: RUN!


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Feb 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The earliest tribe thread is found on p.5 of ICR:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=196693

I read a good long while - studying, learning...
You'll *just know*, especially after picking your jaw up off the floor a few times...
In none of those threads do I ever recall one successful R with an N.

From your brief description, my tentative diagnosis is Stu Pedaso. (I gots a duh gree!)
Since Stu is out of the house, my recc. is to strengthen your security - new locks for doors, windows, & don't forget the gate to the back yard!

It was a huge advantage to me to get away & clear my head of toxic fumes. Helped me open my eyes.

Get a dog too.


Posts: 6018 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with them ^^^. The hardest thing I did was have to still be around my ex knowing who he is. The crap they throw at us is incredible, and the risk you'd take by hoping for change is just too high.

If he's a confirmed SA, you risk STDs, OCs and all kinds of other unpleasant things. I agree, too, that if he's lying to the counselor, he's not changing anything. He's just smoothing over what he can in order to keep the status quo.

My advice is RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. It's just so not worth it to battle as hard as you'd have to for the scraps you'd get from him. My life and my son's have changed dramatically in ways I'd never have thought possible since the N is out of our lives. I just realized this morning: I sleep on my back again, instead of always on my side... a habit born out of his selfish desire to always have most of the bed to himself. Honestly, I got yelled at for years for taking more than 1/4 of our huge king bed!

Run. It's the best thing you can do for yourself. You'll know freedom and peace unlike anything you've had since you got stuck with an N.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
MissMarple
♀ New Member
Member # 39151
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct, thank you for the link to earlier threads. Quite eye-opening. ButterflyGirl and SoHurt, I'm really starting to lean in the "run for my life" direction. I've been waiting 7 years for him to change, and that was before I knew about all the nasty stuff he did. I don't know why I think that things will change if I wait longer. I really believe marriage is intended for life, and it hurts so much that my dream of growing old together has been taken away from me. But if I have to divorce him, I will. I will no longer stay in a marriage being controlled, lied to, and manipulated.


BS (me) 29
WH 29
Married for 7 years
One son age 4
D-day 4-29-13
Multiple hookers on Craigslist!!!
Getting ready to file.

Posts: 33 | Registered: May 2013
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really is hard to see your dreams of what should have been go up in smoke, as we all know. This is the single hardest thing I've done, but trust us: it's for the best. Those dreams will never come true with an NPD. It just doesn't work that way.

Lean on us, learn as much as you can take... the take a break from it. Lay your plans out in secret, line up those ducks, and prepare yourself as much as possible before you make a move. The most dangerous time with an NPD is the leaving/making them leave, so be ready for anything. Mine pulled a knife on my son, tried to say he could just live in a different part of the house - all sorts of insane things. This will not be easy, but when you get to the other side, you'll feel so free you won't believe it.

Don't be afraid to ask questions, and don't think anything you say or do is going to surprise us. We've all been through this, and we've all made mistakes, said and done the wrong things, etc etc etc. So we all understand when things don't go quite as planned. There's no perfect formula, except get ready, get set, RUN.

Hang in there and post often.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never realized (till now) just how lucky I got when X found another source of supply. When I told him to leave, he left to be with her. No questions, just gone. He went NC, which of course caused me to initiate all sorts of contact in the beginning. Once he started letting her control his correspondence/communications with me THEN I went NC. It took less than a year, but the damage had been done.

Now I realize that she is a bigger, badder and more evil N than he is.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4024 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, Tribe. I filed for D recently and NPD SA WH is willing to do anything to save our M. I wanted to put his letter that he wrote me and our conversation after I read his letter through the "NPD speak" meter to see what you thought:

Letter:
n&n,
I was shocked to get (n&n's L)'s call yesterday. I have gone from numb to profoundly sad and devastated by this turn of events. 
The other night when I could not find you, I was beginning to panic and ready to call the police. It made me realize that I still love you and care deeply about you. 
You have obviously taken a bigstep, a huge step and i know it must have been very difficult. I would be remiss if I did not say that I am still willing to work on repairing our M and keeping our family together. The thought of our precious children being the product of D is just unbearable to me. 
I fully understand that I have no credibility left when it comes to promising to do things that you have asked me to do. I ask that, if there is any shred of doubt in your mind, please give me one last chance. I will begin on Monday, give me until the end of the summer or such other time as you see appropriate. I will do absolutely anything to save our M and our family. 

Here is our convo:

n=numbandnauseous

n: I read your letter and I am happy to talk and listen to whatever you have to say.

WH: ok, well, I think I said what I wanted to say in the letter - is there any, I mean, when you file for D, it sounds like it's final, so I don't know if there's any room there to consider anything - or if you've made up your mind and you just want to get on with it.

n: I didn't do it (file for D) lightly...

WH: no, honey, I understand, nobody does that lightly. I know that. So, I just thought - if there's any chance - of anything.... I'd be remiss not to explore it, so. Before I was thinking, that's what you did, that's what you want to do and I'll just go along, but, you know - if there's any space there to try to reconcile, I want to explore it, that's all.

n: there's been space for a year and you've done nothing.

WH: yeah, I understand that.

n: so, why would it change now?

WH: I guess I realized what the stakes are.

n: and you didn't realize before:

WH: I guess I did and I didn't. I don't know. I never thought it would get to this point.

n: why?

WH: I don't know. What kind of took me was that lately, it seems like we've been getting along a lot better and it seemed to be - I don't know - it's been better the last month or two than it has been.

n: I've been checked out of this M for a while and I think it's just so sad that you don't even realize it - that's how "un-in-tune" with me that you are. That's pretty sad to me.

WH: well, I know you've been checked out, I know that.

n: so how can you say things are better?

WH: We seemed to communicate better, we seemed to get along better - I don't know. Maybe it's bc you were checked out, so you didn't really care, it didn't really matter. 
So is there anything I can do at this point?

n: (I read the portion of his letter to him where he said he would do anything). So, what are you thinking? What are you thinking you need to do?

WH: I don't know if you want me to go to counseling, if you want me to get my STD test, I mean.... things you've brought up in the past.

n: so, the reason while I filed is because you've told me that you've been a good husband, you don't think there's anything you need to change about yourself, you're not going to spend all your time in therapy and if it gets to be too much, you're gonna be done. But, I'm not happy. So, that doesn't work for me.

WH: right

n: so you've told me all those things. So, I'm like, ok - and we never discuss our M - we just kind of sweep it under the rug, and I'm not okay with being nice to each other and hoping that everything's going to work out, that's not going to work for me.

WH: uh-huh

n: so that's why I filed, because it's irreconcilable. I mean, you've said you're not a sex addict, and do you still feel that way?

WH: um, yeah, I guess I do, I don't really feel that I am. But I'm willing to go to therapy.

n: go to therapy, how? What do you mean by that?

WH: if you want me to see a sex addict therapist, I'll see a sex addict therapist. I don't really like (the CSAT we've seen), but I'll see the (guy in other town) - maybe it'll click better with him.

peridot - I agree with you; why is he waiting until Monday? And, he will start when I say he's going to start, not on Monday.
More of our convo: 
n: hmmm. It just doesn't seem like...Like, this is the best you've got? For saving our M?

WH: I don't feel that I am (a sex addict), but if you feel that I am, then I'll go and do the work.

n: and what does that mean to you?

WH: I don't know, whatever they say it means. I have no idea what it means. Go to therapy, whatever they want me to do, I'll do.

n: You lie a lot. You lie constantly and I don't even think you realize that you lie. I can't even have a relationship with someone who lies to me. So, I just can't do this. I've been honest, faithful and I deserve someone who is the same. I can't even have a friendship with someone who lies, much less a M and a family.

(lengthy convo about a small lie he told, he denies it)

n: I don't want to argue about this (above) anymore; I'm to a point - this is not working for me. And your effort seems very lackluster to me.

WH: Honey, it's not lackluster. I'm telling you, I will do the things you want me to do - and I will do it with energy, I'll do it with conviction, I will do it.

n: (big sigh.....) And when I see your lips moving, I just see "blah, blah, blah" bc you've said you're gonna do things - you've done JACK SHIT is what you've done.

WH: I know...

n: JACK SHIT

WH: I know, that's why I say I have no credibility...

n: ZERO CREDIBILITY. I trust a stranger more than I trust you and you're my husband. and that's not the kind of M I want to have.

WH: I understand. I understand. I'm not going to fight anything, I'll do what you want me to do with a smile on my face and an open mind and with the hope of finding answers and making myself a better person and making this a better M. I know my affect is kind of flat - I'm exhausted. I'm sorry about that. I'll do it without complaint and without delay. I will go into with a complete open mind and a complete desire to find the answers and make myself a better person. I mean, I know I'm better than this; I know I'm better than what I've done. And once and for all, I just want to make it right. And maybe it won't work - maybe it won't be good enough for you, I don't know....

n: I don't like that talk.

WH: What?

n: Don't put it on me - it's not going to be "good enough" for me.

WH: no, I'm just saying, maybe at the end of the day, you're still not happy.

n: If you're a healed person and a whole person and you're not lying to me, of course that would be fine.

WH: ok

WH: you can give it a certain amount of time...

n: I've given you a year - where the FUCK were you for the past year?

WH: I don't have a good answer for that, I'm sorry.

n: I'm done - I've processed through everything - I'm ready...

WH: I know you are.

n: So this is what it takes? Why can't you do this when it was salvagable? Just fucking run and hide and fight.

WH: yeah. I can't dispute any of that.

n: I've been in pain for a year and a half -

WH: I know you have.

n: a FUCKING year and a half.

WH: I really am so sorry, hon. Now I understand what you've been going through and I just feel awful, terrible.

n: How do you know what I've been going through?

WH: Because I know what I've been going through for the past 24 hours and if it's anything like that, then it's horrible. Maybe that's part of it too, now that I realize how you were feeling - it's awful.

WH: I just know that if I work at it, that I can make you happy again.
n: It's not up to you to make me happy - you have to be happy with yourself. (pained look on WH's face)

WH: right

n: It's not your job to make me happy. I'm doing great.

WH: um-hmm

n: And I want you to be happy and I've been checked out of our M, so I'm just like why are we even M? I'm not even in this M - you don't deserve that. You deserve someone who loves you and is into you. But, with everything you've done to me, I can't do that anymore.

WH: You don't think you could EVER do that anymore?

n: I don't know. I told you you were killing my love for you - you've just destroyed it. And (CSAT) even told you, is it worth getting a D over? I guess you thought it was just a game and we could just keep sticking our heads in the sand. My eyes have been opened and I just can't tolerate it anymore. I just can't go on with the type of M we have - it's no way to live. I feel like my soul is dying.

WH: which parts?

n: all of it. The STD testing was 6 months ago and you said it would be no problem. Our M is so not a priority for you - it's on the bottom of the list - actually, I don't even think it's on the list.

WH: you know, I'll tell you the whole thing with the STDs is - I just felt like I'm always guilty until proven innocent type of thing.... And I will go and get the STD test - I'm going to get it either way because it will - I don't have an STD. The only way I could have an STD is from you bc you are the only person I've had sex with in the last 20 years.

n: you can have oral sex, there's all kinds of ways you can have sex.

WH: I haven't had oral sex; I haven't had any sex with anybody of any type except for you in 20 years. So I have a clear conscience on that.

n: Then why didn't you run out and get it? That's the problem - blah, blah, blah - your lips move but nothing happens - it's just bullshit. So if you're so unworried about it - if the shoe were on the other foot, I would say, "yes, absolutely - I'll go get it done tomorrow - here's the results. Does that make you feel better?" Do you care about making me feel better? And then no sex for 6 months?

WH: I've wanted to have sex.

n: but then you don't get STD tested - do you think I want to touch you?! And so you're ok with that?

WH: no, I 'm not ok with it.

n: and then we don't talk about anything, we just pretend... I mean, I'm just so tired of it, just so tired. We have no relationship, we have no M.

WH: No, I agree.

n: zero.

WH: I agree.

n: so why are you ok with that? I'm not ok with that, so that's why I've filed for D. This is not how I want to go through life. I'm 40, I do not want to go through any more of my life like this - this sucks.

WH: I agree, it does.

n: but you would go along for another 20 years like this - that's what I don't get. Why are you ok with this?

WH: I guess I'm not ok with it, but - I can't really articulate it. I've misunderstood you - I've misunderstood the depth of your feelings and frustration.

n: Well, I just shut down, bc there was no sense in talking to you; it didn't make any difference.

WH: Look, I want to have a relationship with you. I want to try to reset the table. We've known each other for 20 years. Even though you've been shut down, it's still the bright spot in my life, as hard as it may be for you to believe. I enjoy having you in my life and I want to have you back in my life in a completely full way. Like I said, I know I have no credibility, but I'll start tomorrow, I'll start Monday, it'll be my top priority to put this M back on track for you, for our children, for myself. I want to have a happy M, I want to be a happy family - I want them to have that - they deserve it.

n: I've told you this before and I'll tell you again - I'll watch your actions. I've been watching your actions for the past year and that's what's caused me to file for D. So your actions have been pretty shitty. So, I'm curious to see - I don't have much faith. That's all I can do. Your track record's not been very good.

WH: I know it's not - I carry that weight.

n: It's ok, you can turn it around, but I'm not believing that anything's going to change. But, I'd be happy for you bc you need to do it for yourself - even if we don't end up together.

WH: so what does all that mean, does that mean you're willing to give me some time?

n: I don't know, I think I'm just going to watch and see what you do.

WH: So, I've got to hire a L on Monday. So do we do this on parallel tracks, then? Continue with the D proceeding?

n: yes

WH: So, um, with that being the case, just some logistics: 
-um, have you told anybody yet, that you've filed? Have you told any family or anybody?

n: no

WH: Do you plan on telling anybody?

n: why?

WH: I just want to know bc I want to know if you're going to tell anyone, if I should tell anyone, you know. If you're going to tell your parents then I can tell my parents; if you're going to tell friends - and just - and how you want to handle it. I would just like to know. If we're telling people that we're getting D'd, that we each know who knows - it makes it less awkward when you see people in public. I mean, I don't plan on broadcasting it to a bunch of people, frankly.

n: I don't know

WH: Ok, and then I assume you're not going on our vacation then?

n: i don't know

WH: ok. I didn't know if you had any desire to do any of that if we're in the middle of a D, so.

n: why is that a question that you would ask; why is that important to you?

WH: well, it's just a logistics issue; if you're not going, are the kids going, am I just going with the kids? Are you going to let the kids go?

n: that's so far away.

WH: it's 5 weeks away

n: why does it matter?

WH: planning purposes 
and, if you weren't going on vacation, we could cancel the house and get some money back. I mean, I'm happy, I want the kids to go and I want you to go too, so, that's not a problem on my end.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Topic Posts: 1000
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