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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He will be served at work. My L will call him, rather than having him served. How does that sound?

I like the attaching to ourselves and your duh-gree pic, jjct!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He will be served at work. My L will call him, rather than having him served. How does that sound?

Depends. He could be all agreeable and things will go fine. Or, he will be all agreeable on the phone and not show up for the papers. Then he will dodge the server and avoid getting the papers. If he's completely vindictive, he could avoid being served for a long time and come home to make your life hell.

To be safe, I would send the server and have him served. The phone call from your lawyer will only tip him off and give him an opportunity to avoid.

You're probably having your lawyer call to avoid him embarrassment = being nice in an NPD divorce = BAD idea for you.

@ J- Love the da-gree!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sad - you're right - my L suggested not having him served because he thinks that will only piss him off and that's not a good way to start a D.

My WH is a professional; pretty high up at his place of employment and to have him served would be humiliating for his image.

Now you are having me rethink that.

Divorcing an NPD is not like D'ing a normal person is it?

I need a duh-gree like jjct! I feel so stupid and naive.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is a professional; pretty high up at his place of employment and to have him served would be humiliating for his image.

Yeah...and image is everything for an NPD.

My XNPDH was a "professional" too with a precious image to protect. He also had an incredibly high opinion of himself. As in "nobody was going to divorce HIM." If anyone was going to do any divorcing, it was going to be him.

Then started the smear campaign against me.

And then he refiled against me claiming I was mentally ill, a drug addict and a drug dealer. (none of it true) It got really ugly and took forever to finalize.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loveis - he is working to suck you in again. You need to ignore him and not respond to the "kindness" he shows, because it's fake. Don't be caught on that hook... it's hard to avoid, but it's very necessary for your safety and sanity.

jj, love the duh-gree! I'm nearly there, myself.

sadtoo, I always love the whole drug dealer bit. It's not funny, I know, but it always makes me chuckle to think of you as a dealer.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
loveisareddress
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loveis - he is working to suck you in again. You need to ignore him and not respond to the "kindness" he shows, because it's fake. Don't be caught on that hook... it's hard to avoid, but it's very necessary for your safety and sanity.

I know. We have some major family events coming up that I was planning to decline.

I think he's trying to suck me back in because my absence would be too hard to explain and would make more work for him.

Someday, maybe I can find someone real. After all these years here I probably wouldn't recognize him though.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2012
loveisareddress
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes-and he's also due for his monthly bullshit meltdown.

Being nice to me and suddenly exploding increases his edge or something.

I'm sure he thinks I'm far too stupid to see the pattern here...


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2012
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loveis, they always think we're too stupid to see, even when we've proven we see clearly. It's kind of amusing after a while.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sadtoo, I always love the whole drug dealer bit. It's not funny, I know, but it always makes me chuckle to think of you as a dealer

I know. Me too.

But you know, for a long time I was so paranoid because (as you know) I raise horses and I usually have some paste worming syringes rolling around on the floor of my truck. Plus, I do all of my own vaccinations, so I have the medication syringes w/needles in transport from the veterinary supply house. And then there is always flakes of alfala all over the place....that can resemble something else.

I would always worry about one of his idiot buddies on the police force pulling me over and asking, "What is that??"

Me: Alfalfa flakes.

Cop: What's in the syringes?

Me: West Nile Virus vaccine, equine 5-way vaccine, apple favored paste wormer.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me: Alfalfa flakes.

Cop: What's in the syringes?

Me: West Nile Virus vaccine, equine 5-way vaccine, apple favored paste wormer.

Yeah, that is a great image. I hadn't thought about that facet of the issue... syringes and alfalfa! Now I'm gonna chuckle harder than before.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am branching out a bit looking for suggestions and NPD seems to have similarities with borderline personality order that my FWW has . Dday was almost 4 years ago, I am at acceptance, healed (mostly), and have wanted to R with FWW. FWW has attended 2+ years of IC, some of that off and on, to work primarily on her borderline personality traits. She also has issues with sex after CSAb, and a rape, and is an ACoA.

She has gotten better, and says that she loves me, but I wonder how much of this is just saying the words she believes I expect to hear? I also know that she simply will not tell me what she feels. Everything is fine until it is not, then I hear this list of how I have all the power, she cannot talk to me, she is afraid of me, I make her feel like she is with her Mother (who was an alcoholic)

She has learned new coping skills and perceptions in her IC and in her reading, but the BPD traits are still there underneath. They come to the surface when she is under stress. I suspect they will always be there. It was these traits in large part that led to her multiple As, and so I will always wonder during stressful times if she has relapsed and is looking for affirmation from another OM.

How to you have a M with someone who hides a part of themselves to you. Hell, she may be hiding parts of herself from herself. We have talked about additional IC for her, but I honestly believe that she is just burned out on working on herself.

When things are good we enjoy each other a lot, at least I do and she says that she does. I suppose I can (actually I have) learn to live with little sex. What bothers me is how she will go off and blow things up at the most stressful times in our lives when we both need to support each other.

I feel more like a caretaker than a H, and with her 7 years older than me and struggling the last few years to stay employed I only see this feeling becoming more intense. For any of you who have stayed M, how do you find success and value in a M with a NPD or BPD spouse?

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats))) Sorry brother.
The only way to stay M with the personality-disordered is to resign yourself to perpetual doormat status.
Or always herding cats, dealing with manufactured drama.
Like the recent truck-snatching stranding you experienced...

Now that really *says* I love you, doesn't it?

We need to invent some kind of app, when you find yourself dreaming about the good old days & how you wished it would be,

it would jump out, kick you in the balls, and call you a loser.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There can be many similarities between NPD and BPD. But they are also very different.

In both disorders you are dealing with HIGH drama, constant lies and (usually) lots of cheating.

You will find that most of us here in this thread are of the opinion that it is impossible to have any type of normal marriage with any of the personality disordered.

As jjct pointed, you are no more than a door mat. And as you realize, you're a "caretaker."

The PD'd are manipulators, pathalogical liars, driven by self-centeredness, they have absolutely NO empathy. They are incredibly shallow.

You spend your life caring for, looking out for, counting pills, marking alcohol bottles, checking and double checking the bank account, searching for secret cell phones, going over the existing phone bill with a fine toothed comb, ect. It's like you're baby sitting an overgrown spoiled brat!

Then we find ourselves accepting the slightest bread crumb of improvement as a *sign* that things are getting better! This is US sliding into their insanity!!

There is no "getting better" for the PD's. They only try to manipulate us to accept more of their bullshit. They manipulate through tears, through guilt, making us feel sorry for them, making us think they are "trying", etc, when in reality it is only lip action.

PD's can be very alluring. They can be very charming. They can be very fun to be around. They are usually the life of the party. It is not uncommon for friends to be completely unaware that there is a problem. The ups and downs of being with a PD can be dizzying.

The good times can be the best times of your life, but the bad times will put you into the bowls of hell.

You can't fix her. You can only fix you.



It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The PD'd are manipulators, pathalogical liars, driven by self-centeredness, they have absolutely NO empathy. They are incredibly shallow.

Man, sadtoo... were you in court with me today?

Yes, it was PO renewal day. I was treated to so many lies it's unfathomable how he can even begin to come up for air. Today's history lesson on who I am as a person, just so none of you get to thinking I'm a nice person or anything, and just to maybe give myself a chuckle if possible:

1. His breaking the PO last year, (up for trial on Tuesday,) was a complete setup by his "ex-best-friend" and me, to get him to break it. (Never mind that he had at least 100 feet of clear view that I was sitting there for him to change his mind and turn around.)

2. He absolutely did not show up at our apartment on DS's birthday this year. That's a lie! (Yeah, and that's what the application for residence on file in the office dated that day says, too.)

3. I've subjected him to so many lies during this process, and all to keep him from seeing his son. (Let's ignore that his son wants nothing to do with him. Small detail.)

4. I've stalked him so much he had to move 2 hours away to keep me away from him. (Was that move before or after he was served at his "home" - his sister's house - for this hearing 1/2 an hour away 3 weeks ago?)

5. He's been so afraid of me, he was going to get a PO himself, but his attorney for the PO break was too incompetent, so he had to fire her. (Yeah, I'm still unable to stop shaking my head long enough to figure that one out and make a sarcastic comment, sorry.)

6. I've stalked him on FB, and used his own words against him in court. (That counts for something, doesn't it? I said it and she used it! That's just not fair! This was the grain of truth in his recital. I did use FB stuff against him. Ever hear of not publicly posting things you want kept private?)

7. When I took pics of the cars he was selling, that's proof I stalked him, as none of them had ever been near my house. (That's why there's a chain link fence in each pic, which none of his "homes" have.)

That's just the short list. Seriously. There was more, but I just wanted to show you all how awful I am so you can run now, while you have a chance.

I should also mention that he looked the judge in the eye while the clerk was copying the order, and said, "I guess the first one to tell the lie gets believed." (The judge said he wouldn't respond to that and explained why it was an inappropriate comment.) Then he told the ceiling a different version of the first comment. Then the wall.

Interestingly enough, he also claimed that having a PO on him was going to be a problem, as he's getting better (It's A Miracle!!) and was going to go back to work delivering bank bags. (Terminal? Oh, right... that must explain the no show for the divorce trial he insisted on... No proof of that so no sympathy.)

Watch it folks, I'm a treacherous bit@h!


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We need to invent some kind of app, when you find yourself dreaming about the good old days & how you wished it would be,

it would jump out, kick you in the balls, and call you a loser.

Let's see, the app version for me would be, uh, when you find yourself dreaming about the good old days...

...it jumps out, screams in your face, "GOD DAMN YOU TO HELL! YOU DISGUST ME! YOU MAKE ME SICK!", throws your car keys at you (because they were handy), stomps upstairs and slams the bedroom door shut, and then gets mad at you when you don't want to have sex later.

now, but then


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the app version for me would be, uh, when you find yourself dreaming about the good old days...

Would be a reality check....

So hurt, Your X sounds a lot like mine in his version of the truth. It is no where near reality.

Good luck all. NPD can be nice, but remember the nice is just to suck you back in to their vortex.

I like living outside his vortex.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD can be nice, but remember the nice is just to suck you back in to their vortex.

OMG yes!

I also need that app! I can't tell you how many times I've fallen for the charm and "niceness" because I was so desperate, so hurt that any little crumb he decided to toss my way seemed like ambrosia.

My app should say "Why are you banging your head against the wall?" Ans: Because it feels so good when I stop


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With An NPD There Really Weren't Really Any Good Days.

After Try To Get Ex To Do Something For Months, He Sends Email With The Following.,

Being reasonable and level headed without me around is going to be a challenge for you. Work on it.

I Will Not Get Baited Into A Fight With Him. He No Longer Deserves Any Attention.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My app should say "Why are you banging your head against the wall?" Ans: Because it feels so good when I stop

That is perfect for NPD.

wontdefineme

He No Longer Deserves Any Attention.

Right on! FTG!


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
trixie2010
♀ Member
Member # 27422
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish there was a way to start a new thread as I feel as if I am jumping right in without acknowledging previous posts--sorry about that.
It has been a long time since I have been on here. I have been separated for 3 years now after I kicked out xh for cheating after he moved me and our 3 kids across country for his job. After I kicked him out, he never admitted to cheating but moved right in with the mistress. He would come around to see the kids when it was convenient for him but act like nothing happned. He would actually walk in the house and look through the fridge and pantry for food. This was after being gone for 3 weeks and never talking to his kids about it. My oldest child and I dubbed it "going out for milk and there was such a loooonnnnnnggggg line".
Anyway, since none of us wanted to move and he rarely saw the kids, I moved us back home. It took him 11 days to notice I moved 3 kids and the contents of our entire 4000sqft house. He blew up at that time and blamed everything on me and we went through a year of a nasty divorce and have now been divorced for almost a year.
He got married to the mistress within a day of our divorce and moved her into our family home which unfortunately I received very little for. It is a struggle to raise 3 kids on my own but what gets me is he rarely sees his kids but I am the bad guy here. He tells everyone I am alienating him from the kids and that I took them away from him--yet while none of us wanted to move across country and sell our home, he rarely saw his kids because he spent all his free time with his mistress. He saw the kids only when he had nothing to do. We were all extremely unhappy there so I moved us back and the kids and I are doing well considering.
So, as I said he married the homewrecker. A year ago. Never told his kids. Just the other day he gave my daughter who was graduating from high school a card with a letter in it. In the letter he told her how even though the marriage between him and I didn't work, he still loves her. And he told her he started a new chapter in his life. He married "whore" and he was very happy, they had lots of wonderful friends and were expecting a baby girl in the fall. He wants her to be a part of his life and especially her step-sister (such an idiot--would be half-sister....unless of course it is not his)
Anyway, he told his oldest child a year after he got married that he got married and he told her about the new baby in a letter--on her graduation.
I am livid. Honestly, can he be more NPD than this?? The entire note to her was about him and the new chapter in his life and given to her in a graduation card.
He did not spend much time with her while he was here for 3 days even though he hadn't seen her in 8 months. This was primarily her doing but he never asked her to do anything and spent time with her 2 younger brothers. By the way, he never told them anything. They are 13 and almost 8. He did not even tell them he got married although he had his ring on.
I feel as if I took a big step back and wish I could move on and not let it get to me. It bothers me for my daughter. She is very upset. I will not tell the boys although my 13 year old knows he got married, my 7 year old does not. I do not know what to do for my kids as I am heartbroken for them. So today is Father's Day and he left early this morning on a flight back to the mistress/wife and unborn baby.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am over-reacting and he is not NPD--after all, he moved on and found someone and is happy and starting over and I am the one who is alone. I just want the karma to get him--seems as if he is so happy after he left his family in shambles. It is so not fair.


Countless Ddays
WH confirms EA/denies anything else...??
possible R, not really sure will see how it goes
update--5-27-10--kicked his ass to the curb--she can have him!
He has been living with ow since June 2010.

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