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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((NG))))


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy Shite. I now know what it means to have an NPD use the court system to abuse you by proxy. Holy Shite.
When I'm feeling better maybe I can share. Right now I'm raw & bleeding from the thrashing...

My NPDX (DS5's father) used the court as a proxy for abuse from Oct 2011 to March 2013. I'm very sorry you're going through it yourself. Try to take care of yourself through it. It does eventually come to an end. Do good things, fun things, for you. Know this too shall pass (like a kidney stone, painfully, but it will pass). I went camping last summer with friends, went to the pool lots with the kids, got a new good camera, took lots of great nature photos, would spend hours out with my camera/tripod driving around for the perfect shot, spent lots of time reading. Do things to stay whole while the character assassination is trying to shoot holes in your spirit. Hugs to you. Again, very sorry you're going through it. I understand how you feel.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NG)))

It sucks that the courts aren't able to take emotion into consideration.

Windows, I'm going to chant "like a kidney stone" every time I'm in pain. Love it!


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 5959 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((NG))))) I know, too. So when you're ready to share, we'll be here to hold you up some more. Breathe. Just breathe.

I LOVE the kidney stone comparison, too. It's very apt.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 9:46 AM, May 10th (Friday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know we're not supposed to discuss religion here. Suffice it to say that I'm struggling with my "walk in faith" bit today.

Because the divorce is now under advisement, all I'm comfortable saying publicly is that A) STBX's lawyer is as big a narcissist as he is, B) I got my ass nailed to the cross and had to account for practically every penny I've spent ON THE CHILDREN since we separated, and then was told my expenditures were frivolous & wasteful (this includes mortgage, property taxes, eyeglasses, food & utilities), C) I had the satisfaction of seeing STBX have to testify under oath that he's been cheating on me with a convicted felon and has given her lots of money when he could have been doing stuff like buy his children shoes.

That I'm possibly going to get virtually nil for SS and CS is almost worth item C).

I'm not crazy.

I'm not making it up.

He's a cheating, lying asshole, and he had to admit it in court.

The price for that, though, is destitution for me and the children.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((NG)))))

No words... just hugs, and I have some shoulders that you can cry on if you need to.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4045 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry, NG. Hugs to you.

On the bright side, you are finally getting on with things and are on your way to being free from your M (and NPD asshole).

Sending you much strength and peace.

(((((((((NG))))))))


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs, BIG hugs, NG, and you are NOT alone.

Got a call from the state today.....it was reported that DS5 was taken to the doctor this week for supposedly being bitten by the dog here last week.

There's more NPDs out there than we realize. I told the woman how two years ago, sheriff's showed up with a DVP to take custody of my son because NPDX told a judge that I had sexually abused DS5 and there were "ongoing state police and CPS investigations regarding it." TOTAL fucking lie!!!! Took me a full year to clear it all up through the court (only an 8wk investigation, but a year before all the court hell was over). You would never know how hard it is to prove your innocence over total perjury until you deal with a court system that is willing to protect a child at all costs. .... but I sure did!!! :) FTG I hate him, hate his lying scandalous hypocritical wife, and was so very glad to be done with the whole court hell......til I got that call today.

Now, DS5 is supposed to be here Thursday to start his summer where NPDX only gets 2wks of the summer. He was notably PISSED at the last hearing over that. Coincidentally, although I gave DS5 a bath JUST before he left (not a single f'n mark on him), and although the pup is never out of my sight, although the pup has NEVER bitten ANYONE, and although DS5 NEVER said there was a bite, I get that call today.

Haven't gotten to talk to DS5 all week. NPDX has not answered the phone or had him return the call although it's ordered, and today I realize why.

He's ramping up to screw up the summer time I have with him. Just waiting for the asshole order stating there's a new DVP because DS5 was supposedly bitten.

I told the woman today on the phone, and her response: "I'm going through something very similar. I'm so sorry. You're so right, too. The timing just doesn't make sense. If he was bitten, and if it needed treatment, why did they wait?"

My point was THEY have a dog. Do any of us know it wasn't theirs? Do any of us know if he even WAS bitten or DID go to the dr???? Nope, just words of the NPDX and his psycho new wife.

FML, hating life today.

Worst yet, I just told MrWNW last week, "[NPDX] isn't being as much of an asshole. He's actually seemingly normal as of late. Seems screwed up but that in and of itself is sending up flags. Something's off." And here we are.

Edit: Reason -- grammar.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 11:14 PM, May 10th (Friday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((WNW))))))

DD2 has not spoken to her father (NPD) since last year when he cut her phone off. She was turning 21 and had 1 month to go before delivering DGD. He never notified her he was shutting off her phone... phone company did. She got a new phone (and the bill to go with it) And moved on. A couple of months AFTER baby's birth... we look at one another and say "it's been too quiet, they are up to something." Sure enough... DCF (dept of children and families) shows up to the door wanting to see DD and baby. DD was working, I had baby. I gave them her place of work. They said they would be back. They came back...met me, me DGD.. saw the 'conditions' she was living under. It took a couple of months.. but it was closed. The call was from anonymous!!!!

This isn't the first call DCF has made to my home. All from anonymous. Luckily, I have gotten older and wiser investigators...They can see when the system is being used to bully people.

I hope you have similar investigators.

If you can, ask your investigators how many times false accusations can be made BEFORE you can file harassment charges against the party filing the complaint. In my state there has to be a certain number of complaints made... then if there is someone behind the complaints, I can sue them for harassment. And if they loose, they get to pay the DCF bill for the investigations. I hope you have a similar situation.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4045 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Luckily, I have gotten older and wiser investigators...They can see when the system is being used to bully people.

I hope you have similar investigators.

If you can, ask your investigators how many times false accusations can be made BEFORE you can file harassment charges against the party filing the complaint. In my state there has to be a certain number of complaints made... then if there is someone behind the complaints, I can sue them for harassment. And if they loose, they get to pay the DCF bill for the investigations. I hope you have a similar situation.

When the false report was made in Oct 2011, the worker was VERY irritated with NPDX. (Of course, they couldn't say specifically who called in, but it was clear based on the additional perjured DVP application....and the report to CPS came two days AFTER the perjured DVP app that stated there were "ongoing CPS investigations", so they never denied who called it in.) That worker's response was:

"You're doing a great job here. You're under extreme pressures raising a child with autism and a toddler. We have to investigate every call, and we have. We've talked to your neighbors, your daughter's teachers and therapists, your children's doctors, and your family. Everyone has nothing but great things to say and I can't tell you how many of them said they wish they had half your strength. We'll continue to have to investigate if more calls are made, and this is an utter waste of our resources for cases that actually do need our services. I've seen judges order some parents to stop making reports. I can't promise your judge will, but it's definitely worth asking for."

The judge refused to order that, so he's free to make all the false reports he wants. He also was never charged with perjury although it was PROVEN in writing. The sheriff's filed charges for interference of child custody when he took DS5 (then 4) across state lines and refused to return him, but the DA refused to prosecute. He's NEVER been even charged for a single thing he's ever done, just gets away with all of it. I end up the one having to defend myself. It's so sickening, and our system is so broken, I end up wishing I lived in SOME other country. I'm ashamed of ours. All those that know me say things like "Karma will get them", but I don't believe in karma. Seen too many bad people (like NPDX) live scott free and get away with terrorizing others while good people struggle just to tread water from the abuse.

So far, there's been no CPS report (to my knowledge), but I'm definitely on edge just waiting for it. Yesterday's call was simple enough, the state just needs to make sure the pup doesn't have rabies. No one is taking the pup, no one is charging anything. .....so far. I can't even eat. I'm just so sick to my stomach that I'm gonna have to go through this again.

WORST of the whole experience last time is because he claimed I sexually abused a child, they had to have my daughter seen by a doctor. She was only 8, has severe autism, had no idea what was going on, had never had anyone touch her "there". I felt it was child rape to even put her through the exam, but there was nothing I could do. It was ordered I had to allow it.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 8:50 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NG & wnw)))
I'd say don't even ask how many times...just file a complaint. It's not like there's a law that says you can't file a complaint, & you sure as hell don't need someone's permission.
Fight back. You can use the system too. (Righteously)

jj>>>>who is hoppin mad for you right now


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 11th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((NG & WNW))))) What jj said ^^^^^^!!!

I wouldn't wait on anyone's permission to do something about it. Fight back, and fight back hard. Keep posting and hang on.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a cousin who informed her husband she was filing for divorce. at the time they had a son who was 7 years old. She was asking for primary custody.

Husband went off the deep end, had her thrown into a mental ward. in the state there is a 72 hour law for observation.

at that point husband cleaned out bank accounts, changed the locks on the doors, hid the boy, cleaned out her checking and savings accounts, pawned her jewelry.

when she was released 3 days later, cleared of any mental/emotional issues, within 10 minutes of her release, husband filed a restraining order, asked the judge ( and was granted) her vehicle. He filed for divorce and 100 % full custody of the little boy, accused her of sexually molesting the child, emotional and physical abuse..

and the poor lady was left standing on the street, while neighbors watched her served with the RO ( literally husband had asked for people to come out as he confronted her and told her she had nothing, no money, couldnt get her things, child was hidden still and he her husband didnt give a fuck what happened to her, THEN a deputy served the order on her in front of about 30 people).

Her mother drove over, got her, and my cousin fought for 18 months in court, facing accusations. Her husband had gone around to child protective services, had the boy to the doctor trying to drum up support for the sexual abuse charges, had the kid into a psychiatrist to try and get proof of the abuse. Husband went to the school, informed the teachers and principal of his wife's mental illness, abuse, etc and they were all asked to immediately call the police if they saw her.

She lost her business, all of her friends, was shouted at in local stores, was mocked at the school by the other parents, she overheard her sons class mates saying "that's Ben's mom, shes a crazy lady".

What she did was retain an attorney who recommended to her that she not react. So she stated her position, which was primary custody and held out on it as she was dragged through court 5 times or so, she was eventually able to, through court order, get her clothing, personal belongings.

She was gifted by her parents 5000.00. With that, she started her own business, put down first months rent and deposit on a place to live and she worked her behind off to make enough money to prove to the court that she could support her son. She lived in that duplex for months, sleeping on an air mattress on the floor, her old computer on a cardboard table. She had 1 towel, her cat.

She was able to get temporary orders of having her child every other week. Family stepped in and outfitted her with another bed, a bit of furniture.

She told me every night she lay on that air mattress. She was terrified of losing her son, she was terrified the loss would show her to the world as what her husband was accusing her of.

She knew she couldnt break, back down, or give up. She was destroyed over the mental ward experience and truely traumatized. But she held it together. She said she was put together in public, but once alone, she would have panic attacks. ( I know how those feel, horrible)

After 18 months, she won custody of her son. The father spent that whole year, after quitting his job, focusing on how best to hurt her and drive her off the deep end. All of his energy went into causing as much destruction to her as possible.

My cousin stayed in the same town, hoping her son could have a decent relationship with his father. The father then drifted from low paying job to low paying job. He refused to pay child support and threatened her every chance he got with taking her back to court if she tried to do anything.

Her attorney told her, this wound is healing for your son, so let it go, raise him best you can.

So she did. She made it through 10 years. That son is now in college and is doing very well.

And her? She crept off to a quiet little house at the edge of some small town and quietly fell to pieces for a while, and now has begun the task of rebuilding herself.

I guess her husband was a narc. I don't know what else the man could have been.


On my side of things these days, I have talked a bit to my ex. Essentially he has had massive breakdowns in his life and says he realizes how badly he let everyone down. Let me down. He doesn't appear to make connections though and says to me he wants to be in contact with me and try to rebuild... but he is reserving his options to do what he wants and he insists that he does not feel safe with me because I go into terrible rages. So if I want him, it's on ME to prove I am safe.

I would laugh, but mostly what I feel is I wonder if there is validity to his complaint and really, what does he expect from people?

Apparantly he got so angry at his lady friend that he got into a massive conflict at the golf team in front of everyone and they all turned their backs on him. So he ran away and has no one now, really.

Except his ex wife who told me she doesn't want him around because he is a PIA to deal with.

I just feel.. numb and baffled at all the fuss and drama.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel.. numb and baffled at all the fuss and drama.

Mountains out of molehills.

Kalli the very simple act of thinking you might be causing some of this tells me you are not the narc. Especially when your rage is a response to something he did that royally pissed you off! Could you handle your rage better - sure. BUT HE IS THE ONE GIVING YOU A REASON TO BE ANGRY! If he stopped and gave one thought to his action like' would Kalli be mad at me if I did ____' Might curtail your rage. But he doesn't do that.. he's just full steam ahead and you are not allowed to be made at his lack of consideration of you, your kids, and your marriage.

No... do NOT own his crap. Please... it will only cause you to pretzel yourself for him.

Tired and falling asleep.. will be back later.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4045 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kalli,

Wow. Your cousin was put through the ringer!!

If you allow it, they will suck your soul right out of you. NC is your very best friend. When I started putting the pieces together and identifying the Ns in my life, I also began to go limited contact with those people. The difference in the level of peace in my life is incredible. I'm not saying it's not hard because it is, but it's worth it.


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking about his in my middle of the night.

The NORMAL reaction to someone disrespecting us is ANGER. The continued disrespect will be more and more anger which when built up will result in rage.

The Normal reaction to someone being angry with you is to figure out what you did that caused the anger and take steps to avoid the action that caused the anger in our friend, lover, spouse.

Narcs don't give a damn about what they did to cause us to become angry. Anger allows them some control over your emotions. And they like control.

It isn't about us.... anything that takes their focus off them and their control is going to be dealt with and harshly.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4045 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anger is absolutely a natural reaction to what they do to us. Learning to keep that anger under control so they don't see it is so important! You have the right to be angry, but you have to keep them from seeing it because it makes them feel strong. The last thing any of us needs is for them to feed off us because they are getting to us. It's so hard, and so exhausting... but each time they walk away having gotten nothing, the reward is there.

As for me, I'm going back to court Friday. STBX filed an "emergency" motion yesterday. Color me shocked, right? He basically told the judge that he hasn't had time to ask properly for a continuance on our divorce trial, (which was set for Tuesday next week clear back in February.) Since he hasn't had my address, he couldn't serve me properly in the last 3 weeks since his last attempt to get a continuance, even though the commissioner told him then to serve me by mail at my old address. So he boo hoos to a judge and says he hasn't been able to get this motion filed and served, so we need to set the hearing immediately. Judge falls for it, and I now have to go to court and point out how long he's had to file this and that it's an obvious attempt to force a continuance by lying about not having enough time. He even managed to make his "not knowing" my address sound like my fault, and an infraction, somehow.

So here we go again. I'm of half a mind to let him have the continuance, just because it makes me look like the bigger person. But he sure isn't getting out of that courtroom without them hearing and seeing the truth about how long he's had to file this paperwork and that when he signed yesterday, it was under penalty of perjury, which he's committed AGAIN.

I wish... And I wait. Again.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{SoHurt}}}} I am so sorry you are continuing to go through hell with him.

You should get a PO Box for the mail. Then he has no excuse, although knowing a N, he'll find something else to whine about.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((So hurt))))

I really wish that someone in the judicial system was there to clue in the judges that he has been on this particular roller coaster for a long time.

Stay strong.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4045 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I went in and argued that STBX had 3 weeks to file his motion, and that he argued his CS case multiple times in January, during which he seemed quite able to handle himself, so I was mystified as to why he couldn't be ready for the trial on Tuesday. I also noted that he keeps using the excuse that he has not been able to advocate for himself because of his blood loss and recovery, but he's provided not one bit of evidence to support that.

The commissioner asked him what evidence he had filed in support of his medical condition, and looked back to the one he supplied before he even had a diagnosis, (while claiming he'd been dx'ed.) There was nothing in the file since that report, so STBX of course said he'd run to the doc and get his proof. Commish didn't bite on that.

I WON! He did not get the continuance! Color me happy, and now I have to make sure all my docs are in order for this, everything filed, nothing left to do. I may well be free of the worst of this come Wednesday afternoon! I'm not counting my chickens, but I'm more hopeful than I have been in a long while.

Thanks for the support beforehand. I needed those hugs. I love this (((((Tribe)))))!


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
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