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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, November 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to my BIL today. He's the one who was injured in Iraq and is M to my NPD SIL. He's doing great, but
he said something that made me tilt my head to the side, a bit. He said his Ws new BFF is her 16 y/o son's GF. She's 46 or 47 and the girl is the same age as her son. That seems really off to me. I just don't know what to make of it. Any insight??


Yes,, I have several ideas on this one....The OW in our case does this regularly. SHe is 35 and makes friends with all the young girls...
1. She has to have someone to brag to.Young girls like to hear gossip, and older person would see red flags and tell someone what was going on..
2. When the young girl tried to tell adults that she had seen the OW and my H together == which was: he was getting bj from her outside between the parked vehicles during a party at the lake-the OW and my H told this young girl, it's always going to be your word against ours and NO ONE is EVER going to believe you!
3. She wants to keep up with what everyone is saying and doing so she can get info to use against them later if they try to stand up to her:
4. She wants to keep up with what everyone suspects so she can see how close she can push the envelope before she is discovered doing whatever it is she is currently doing that is a game.....


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1714 | Registered: Jan 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have ideas also.

My X loves babies, toddlers, ezrly elementary age kids. They give unconditional love (aka N supply) freely and without reservations. Basically an adult those kids love is ADORED by the kid. It turns my XH on. He is a predator of a different sort... not sexual, but needs to be adored/admired by someone and the one's who do adoration so well are the little kids.

His NW also trolls for N supply and her victim of choice is teenage girls. She likes talking fashion, hot actors, music with them. She goes on a lot of outings with her D and D's friends. And from what my kids tell me NW is way too invested in her D's relationships, including her marriage.

JMHO.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HW &KJ, i would look up Histrionic antisocial disorder. mine hates children bc they are needy and take attention from him. he will only take pics for show but emotionally he was absent. just mimicked the motions to what he was expected to do to blend in to look like a great father. he did everything for us. its as though his actions were great, the emotional connection was hollow. it wasnt till i was NC for a while that i started to see he gave us all attention especially me, but when it was about the kids he just was on the sidelines doing what he was expected or told, not really volunteering any advice or suggestions. thats one of the things i loved bc i saw it as he was easy going and happy to just be there when he was just going through the motions to look like a great father. but never spent any extra time on his own with them voluntarily. its crazy thats how he was with our kids who he started raising @ the ages of 6 and 8 to 14 and16 and it was when they had already able to do most things on their own as far as hygeine and toilet training and now he is expecting a baby who requires more than that! he was in heaven with his new victime bc she is young with no kids as he doesnt have biologial kids either, so they he has been loving this attention from this new young victim for a while now with no responsibilities, so i wonder how creative he will be to keep appearances and get out of doing the dirty work he despises that comes with caring for the baby once it comes in the next few weeks. im sure he has it covered where his family will be doing all of it bc poor him and her. Narcs and sociopaths are always a step ahead...im sure it wont b too hard to notice when the baby is crying that he is always missing or busy and his family or hers is always there...reality will hit eventually, poor girl.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine loves his children because they still think he's a hero, the world's greatest dad. They're also cute little kids (like ALL kids) and he gets a lot of positive attention from strangers when he's out interacting with them. They think he walks on water. He is more of a grown-up playdate than a father.

Then again, today is his visiting day, and I've noticed that he's not quite as jolly today since my children are tired and a little wild after five days of school vacation.

I assume that when they start to ask him some tough questions and when they decide they would rather be with their peers than their dad, he'll start drifting away from them, too. The whole splitting thing. I know it's coming someday.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine loves his children because they still think he's a hero, the world's greatest dad. They're also cute little kids (like ALL kids) and he gets a lot of positive attention from strangers when he's out interacting with them. They think he walks on water. He is more of a grown-up playdate than a father.
Then again, today is his visiting day, and I've noticed that he's not quite as jolly today since my children are tired and a little wild after five days of school vacation.

I assume that when they start to ask him some tough questions and when they decide they would rather be with their peers than their dad, he'll start drifting away from them, too. The whole splitting thing. I know it's coming someday.

THAT is my X. When the kids became older and started to have their own opinions, own social calendar, and their own lives... He went looking for another form of supply - the OW. I was busy ferrying 4 kids around to various extra curricular activities and he was becoming more and more absent.

Enter the adoring OW... and the mask started slipping at home. He started to devalue and discard me and his kids, especially the older ones who saw thru his facade and called him on it.

BUT, let the kid be recognized for honor roll, student of the month, or an athletic award and he was there to get a pat on the back for being such a good father.

He wouldn't take them to a dang thing on HIS weekends... but offer an award... he was present and accounted for.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem,
Interesting. Thanks for confirming what is coming. How are your kids doing overall? How old were they when they started seeing through the facade?

I have to laugh because he just wrote me an email informing me that he's taking them to a big holiday event next weekend. WELL, I am getting ready to write to him and inform him that he's actually going to be taking my son to his First Reconciliation ceremony at our church. Obviously this is more important than a holiday event, NOT as fun, and will actually force him into a church.

Maybe a lightning bolt will hit him there.

Meanwhile, the guy is posting on Match.com as a divorced guy, and we have no idea where he's living anymore. OW has dumped him.

My life has GOT to get better.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Overall, they are getting there. D1 is away at college, has a minimal relationship with X. The relationship is now on HER terms.

D2 was his sidekick while growing up. She suffered with the lure her in and discard her game he played. She has a baby, baby daddy wants nothing to do with the kid. She is struggling to finish school, work, and be a mom. She lives with me. I help by taking care of DGD.

D1, and D2 do not like NW. I think they have more of a memory of a good and functioning family (pre them getting a life, and 2 younger siblings who adored X) that they resent NW in the picture and intervening in their relationship with X.
Anyway, NW and D2 do not get along. As a result, NW has forbidden X from seeing DGD. She is 7 months, he had to sneak into the hospital to see her when she was born. Was not allowed to attend her Christening. He has not seen her since August when he came to pick up D3 and D2 took the baby out to see him.

D3 is in her second year away at college. She keeps most of her feelings to herself regarding him. She tolerates NW better than her older sisters, but doesn't really deal with her.

D4 is 17, which was the age of elightenment for the other girls. Senior year and she is telling him exactly what she expects him to do and how to behave at the events we will be at jointly.

It has been interesting to watch my girls grow up and grow thru this. The older 2 have very good BS meters. The younger 2 not so good. It makes me wonder if being in a normal family situation longer helped to forge the BS meter.

When we separated/divorced they were 12, 12,(twins) 10 and 8.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Tribe)))))

I'm still here, too. I've been dealing with my health and my son going to school and all the other things going on, so I haven't been around much. Seems things just got away from me.

My son is doing exceptionally well in school, and earned a perfect attendance and an academic excellence award already. His teachers all love him, and he feels the same about them. It's beautiful to watch him blossoming into the kid he should have been all these years. Glorious.

My health is ok; it's just that it's winter, the house is drafty, and that kills me. I spend way more time in bed than I want to, and my computer died... so I have to venture out to use someone else's. It sucks.

My youngest and I are working on moving out on our own. There's a resource guy at his school who's helping us get things figured out so we can be independent. Not only will it help us have time together, but it will get us somewhere that my STBXNPD won't know about. And a friend is going to sell me a vehicle at tax time, so we'll be free and independent and together... just us and our little dogs. I'll miss some things about living with all my kids and my granddaughters, but I think it'll be nice to let my youngest son have all my attention. The others are grown up now, and it should be his turn.

So that's my update, minus anything about the STBX. There's plenty of that, but I am tired and want to go to bed.

Love to all you guys, and lots of hugs.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to laugh because he just wrote me an email informing me that he's taking them to a big holiday event next weekend. WELL, I am getting ready to write to him and inform him that he's actually going to be taking my son to his First Reconciliation ceremony at our church. Obviously this is more important than a holiday event, NOT as fun, and will actually force him into a church.

This brought back memories. My older 2 were recieving their Confirmation. X had made it so difficult for them to attend the necessary classes that the youth director worked with the DRE to create a special class for my kids on Sunday evening before the youth group met. The youth director took it upon himself to contact X and work it out with him. Basically have X on board with this for the kids. X agreed to meeting (at a halfway point) an hour earlier on the weekends (3 a month) that were his and coincided with this class.

That lasted about a month. After that he was late.. the kids started getting on him to be on time. They wanted to be on time. They really liked the youth director and knew he went out of his way to help them and X was screwing with that.

We made other arrangements for them to make up the classes the girls missed. This time having nothing to do with X and all on my time. I was fine with it.

We were less than a month from Confirmation when my X called the Bishop's office and announced that the DRE and the Youth director and I were FORCING my kids to make their Confirmation. This reguired my kids having a special audience with the Bishop for him to determine IF my kids were ready to recieve the sacrament. They made thier confirmation, and X and mrsx attended the ceremony.

Talk about double standard...

I hope your X is nothing like mine.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were less than a month from Confirmation when my X called the Bishop's office and announced that the DRE and the Youth director and I were FORCING my kids to make their Confirmation. This reguired my kids having a special audience with the Bishop for him to determine IF my kids were ready to recieve the sacrament. They made thier confirmation, and X and mrsx attended the ceremony.

What a prick!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem, I find the BS meter subject so interesting. Maybe your younger children just haven't needed this skill so much??? Has this affected them in any ways?

My older child is way more affected by the D and his dad's NPD ways than my younger child. They are only 17 months apart in age, but I think those 17 months made a huge difference. (One had just turned 5, the other was 6 1/2 when their dad left.)

The only good news is that they didn't see a lot of conflict or turmoil. Psychologists will say this is a bad thing because then children are so shocked when their parents D. But I feel like I found out about STBX's latest SA episodes just in time to get him out of the house immediately. If he had stayed, my children would have seen a TON of anger and dysfunction. And they would have known that there are huge secrets in their family.

Someday I suppose I'll have to tell them that their father has some serious problems. But that's in the future. Now I just need to get through each day and get the world's worst divorce DONE.



Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I just need to get through each day and get the world's worst divorce DONE.

I just realized my role might be draggin each other cross the finish line...though we're going to have to hold off on 'world's worst' prize for awhile yet...

What's the prize guys?
An empty caulk gun?
v's zebraduck?
our song?

No and yes to all of them I think.
Since it's been so long...

As long as the song sung is free,
I'll sing along
lustily


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The BS meter - they need it. Right now everything that he/she say to them is taken as Gospel.

Since X/NW have made it very clear to my kids that I lie, anything I say is taken as being false till proven true. Things are the other way around for those with a working BS meter.

Although D3 was recently told by XH that his anniversary was in October. Her reaction was 'you're mistaken dad, you and NW were married in November. I was there, I remember." He was married in October in a secret ceremony performed by a notary public. The ceremony they had in November with all the kids in the wedding party was not a marriage ceremony. The minister walked out when she was asked to lie and perform a marriage ceremony. The chaplain of fire dept performed the marriage ceremony complete with witnesses signing a false document.

D2 told D3 the truth. I stood there not saying a thing. D3 looked at me, and all I said was -It's available online at the court clerks site in our county. If you really want the truth. She asked me how did I know about it. I told her XH informed me of it when I questioned some of his documents during mediation for CS.

I wonder now if he was trying to tell her the truth.... as he is loosing all those people who love him because of his lies. His parents in the past 9 months have made very little effort in his direction. And a whole lot of effort in the direction of D2 and DGD. Their great Granddaughter, NW has told them they need to make a choice D2 and the baby or XH and her. They have decided to throw their support behind D2 and an innocent baby and they are getting an earful about what has been going on (from my kids and from SIL) for the last 9 years. They suspected, but are now getting confirmation. The way X and NW have treated them in the last few months is also eye opening.

I feel bad for them.... this is hurting them in so many ways.

My kids will be fine... eventually they will realize his whole life is a bunch of lies. At least they are asking for confirmation, If I don't know, I tell them. If I do, I give them an unbiased place to find the truth.

They are older, and I have their therapists (from a long time ago) permission to do this - when they ask me if it is true.

The reason for doing this is kids see one thing (usually the truth) and are told something completely different happened - if it happens enough times and with someone in authority that they love, they will eventually believe that person over their own voice. Eventually they will loose trust in their self and what they see and look to others (when the authority figure) is not around for their version of the truth. Great if the person they pick is trustworthy, but suppose they aren't.

Since my XH was rewriting everything about our family and telling the kids and they were beleiving him. Kid'g therapist thought it imperative I combat his lies with proof based truth when (and If) the occasion arises.

I have been doing it and it seems to be working.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Kajem.

The BS meter - they need it. Right now everything that he/she say to them is taken as Gospel.

I have the same situation, but my children are much younger, obviously. What a horrible, horrible thing to do - to lie to children.


The reason for doing this is kids see one thing (usually the truth) and are told something completely different happened - if it happens enough times and with someone in authority that they love, they will eventually believe that person over their own voice. Eventually they will loose trust in their self and what they see and look to others (when the authority figure) is not around for their version of the truth. Great if the person they pick is trustworthy, but suppose they aren't.

Since my XH was rewriting everything about our family and telling the kids and they were beleiving him. Kid'g therapist thought it imperative I combat his lies with proof based truth when (and If) the occasion arises.

I have been doing it and it seems to be working.

Thank you. I've read this, I've been told this, but it's different to hear it from someone who has lived through all of this and actually followed the advice.

My son (nearly 8) is beginning to ask questions. STBX cuts him off or changes to topic. He does this to adults all day long, so my poor little son is an easy mark. But my son won't come and ask me about it. One example is that my children don't even know where their father lives. Until last week, he lived with OW (fellow SA).

Can you imagine not knowing where your father lives????

But they haven't asked me. And I'm in no rush to tell them he lived with another woman, and now I don't even know where he lives at all.

I need to get my children into therapy. I'm hoping a therapist can tell me how much to tell them - and how.

Thanks so much for sharing your story. This thread has helped me so much already.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep being the stable parent in your kids lives. They will eventually start asking questions.

Years ago there was a book "What to tell the Children?" or something like that by Judith Wallerstien.. I wish I had it in the beginning, I would have handled things better. My understanding from a friend who used it. It gives great examples of what to say to kids at age appropriate ways to say it. My friend found it very valuable, her kids ranged from 2-13 at the time of her divorce from her cheating X.

It might be worth finding in a library.

I am glad I can help....


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct

What's the song?

I have 6 count em grease guns...I am sure I have more than 3 caulk guns.

I also have brass spray paint... I can make an award we can pass around.

Although on another forum, my X does hold The Biggest Dick award. I told him that once... he was sooo proud.

Of course he won the award not for the size of his genitals, but his Nego.

Just let it be our little secret OK?


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you imagine not knowing where your father lives????

I can, it happened with my father. Police found his car broken down on the side of the road. Blood on the steering wheel, door handle and a few other spots. And him no where to be found.

He had left my mother a couple of months earlier. We had no idea where he went when he left. My brother at one point had followed him to a boarding house. Bro checked there, but he had been gone about 3 weeks when the police came to the house to tell us about his car.

My godfather saw him in a deli a week later and told him to call us. He did. I don't know if he ever told my mother where he lived. My brother (20yo) followed him to OW's house.

My XH didn't pull that on the kids, but he has refused to give his physical address to me, his attorney, the judge, the divorce papers all have his PO Box. When the judge was about to sign the final decree, he even commented that X's place must be very cramped for him, NW and 6 kids.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aw, LAWD, y'all!! H talked to MIL last night and learned that NPD SIL is getting evicted because she has a dog and that's against her lease. Now, she's looking using BIL's VA loan to buy a house. She's not hesitating to play the 'wounded warrior' card now, after making fun of him for the last seven years. The problem is that MIL took them to draw up a D agreement before she moved back here from a base. BIL hasn't lived with her since then. He lives in barracks, she lives in a house many states away. My concern is that she's going to take his VA loan, then D him and leave him with nothing. It has been five years since that agreement was drawn up and it was in another state. Does anyone know if she can hold him to the (coerced, IMO) agreement after she gets the loan? Is there anything I can tell him to help him? He's been manipulated for 20 years, so I think he'll probably just hand everything over, not knowing that she'll leave him out in the cold. I wish I could D my SIL and keep my BIL. I said that about her first H, too.

Posts: 10973 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Suspicious  Posted: 11:42 AM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I did manage to suppress my homicidal urges, but my bp is still up and raging every time I think about it. I need to calm down; I am taking my calculus exam at 4:30 today (lucky me!).

Dickhead was supposed to be signing a loan modification with me. It would halve my current payment, get the forbearance off of both of our credit reports, and give me a month's delay in paying it even so that we could have a nice Christmas. I got the papers in yesterday and contacted him about signing it. He didn't respond until today. Now he wants to talk to a lawyer before he signs it, he wants copies of everything I have filed with the court, and he wants to discuss the divorce. Now, really, you want us to mediate a quickie divorce in two seconds, but you don't have time to sign a document that you already agreed to sign???? Really, stupid motherfucker????


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TIKY,

How long ago was the D signed? I would check with a lawyer in state how long the agreement can be held before being filed.

It may be that MIL held the agreement so long it isn't valid.

If it is valid and SIL has been recieving benefits all along while MIL holds onto it... and BIL THNKS he is divorced..

It is HIS VA Loan, she can't get to it unless he gives her access.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
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