There is a huge part of me that is actually glad he said no, simply because I know what would happen in the session. Therapist or not, STBX would play all his worst cards on DS, with no remorse or care that it could hurt him. That part of me is larger than the part of me that wants to see closure for my DS, sometimes. It's frustrating to feel both ways about it.
I wish I knew when this will end. I want to continue with our lives and be done with this crap.
Therapist or not, STBX would play all his worst cards on DS, with no remorse or care that it could hurt him.
That was my fear for your DS. And it sounds like DS knows this and doesn't want to participate in the N game plan.
Hugs for your hurting heart. This will end... eventually.
NG - my narc also has 20-30 cans of paint in the garage. (Yes, as I was reading your post, I knew that the "G" word was coming.... )
Kalli - my narc did the same thing - paint as hard as a rock on the paint brushes, then get the mineral spirits out... Although it never worked.
Also, Kalli, what are the "attention getting behaviors" of your narc that you were posting about? Sounds like some of the things my narc does. Things like laugh, sigh, say random words to no one in particular - is that what you are talking about? I told my narc that I will not be responding to his random noises; if he wants to talk to me, he can say my name and converse with me like a normal person. I now just ignore all his noises.
Sorry for the long post as I know others are going through some very intense things now, but how do you know that your WH is NPD? I am trying to decide how to D mine and the tactics are very different if you have an NPD vs. a normal person. Many on SI have said that WH sounds NPD based on my posts, but he is also a sex addict and passive-aggressive and I know these can have many overlapping features. I have read quite a bit and many of the NPD traits resonate with me. Thanks for reading!
Bad year for me.
My current ex.. well he doesn't tend to complain very much. He has always been a quite and self contained guy. I had been dating someone prior to him who was in the entertainment industry and wow that guy was so full of himself, when I met my current ex and he was so modest. I was thrilled I met a guy who I thought was awesome, but didn't feel the need to prove it to the world.
I have been trying to have NC with my current ex. was doing pretty good, too. Yes. I broke NC today. He was been driving up and down my street repeatedly. Then he showed up on skype. He has had me blocked or something for a whole month, so I kind of stopped looking for him there. So there he was, just logged in after burning holes in the road of my street for the last week, and I said to him, you know, I really can't have a relationship with someone who keeps invalidating me so much. And maybe you should just tell me what you want instead of driving up and down the street...
And he totally ignored me. Which triggered me and being dumb, instead of shutting skype down, I bitched at him for all of the lack of sense in how things have been handled, THEN I shut it down and left.
I know what his problem is. He wants me but he still won't do what I have asked him to do. And he is sitting there all gutted and depressed and thinking I don't understand him and how sad he is for it.
Well I GET him. He is so caught up in his feeling bad about his ex wife and the way she is jerking him around over his kids and forcing things on him and controlling him, that he thinks I don't understand how he carved himself out just a tiny little area of his life (Golf) where he can call the shots and have friends ( like that stupid woman) and just feel ok.
Instead I am insisting that since he broke trust with me and treated me badly over that woman, then he really needs to not be around her and because he cheated and produced another baby, HE needs to take steps to rebuild trust.
But I am a big meanie wanting these things because it is impacting HIS feelings of being controlled and trapped by his ex wife and messed around with. So what he needs to feel ok in life, is what I need him to stop doing to feel ok with him.
So our relationship is royally f**ked over something really stupid ( he thinks) that I just won't let go of. And both of us are sad and unhappy and it's all Kallieopeia's fault!
Yes. I know. I spent all day crying over it. I really did. And now I have to be smarter than I was today and not talk to him because he LOVES upsetting me with the silent treatment.
I would explain the situation to the son. At 16 he may want to make his own decision, forewarned. But honestly, protecting him from more hurt is more important. I can only imagine his dad being an ass to him and then dying and that poor kid feeling kicked and THEN abandoned. Hugs to him.
Numb you have to take one of those wire brushes to the paintbrush and scrap the gunk out of them then soak them in wood soap to recondition the bristles.
I want to deprive my current ex of even seeing I am home. I don't feel threatened by him. I considerably miss his good parts and I still love him. I just think if he is going to be a douche and run off, then pestering me with being present is him taking advantage of the neutrality of the street. He doesn't deserve to look at me and get comfort from seeing me around the house in the garden or my lights on.
Maybe I am weird though.
He says that he doesn't want to deal with me because I am "agressive, dangerous and causing intentional damage to people who are not involved"
Because I told that woman's husband about what she was doing and have been getting so upset with him over how he has been treating me.
HIS story is that we can't even get to the relationship repair because I have exhausted and angered him to the point he wants nothing to do with me.
He says he understands I am angry and upset, but he feels so emotionally and verbally abused that he wants nothing more to do with me.
Well it is true, after the cheating and lying, the other child, the concealing of the pregnancy of the other child, the birth of the child, tearing me up over that woman, dumping me a few minutes after I told him about my sister's death OVER that other woman..then ignoring my requests to back off from her for 18 effing months.. I am pretty angry and I spent all of March verbally punching the crap out of him every time he went where she is.
But, yeh, I totally get it, you can't have a "safe" conversation when Kalliopeia is screeching at the top of her lungs to stay the F**k away from that whoring b**ch or I am going to kill both of you.
Yes. I reached that point a couple of times, the rest of it was combined panic attack where I am shaking so hard and my heart is pounding and I am crying and yelling at him
Obviously if I had just trusted his word about what he was doing and ACCEPTED what he was doing instead of "being a spoiled 12 year old girl who lost her lollipop" we could have sat down and ironed out an awesome compromise where HE got my agreement he had my support to keep on doing what he was doing and he would "try" to work through everything as he felt he was able to do it.
I said, yes, I see your point. Have a good day, hope you feel better.
though I did read on old post on general that someone made that when they were angry and spewing on their WW husband it really made things worse.
I feel depressed now.
So you have exhausted and angered him to the point that he wants nothing to do with you?
I said, yes, I see your point. Have a good day, hope you feel better.
Good! Now back to our regularly scheduled NC programming.
I find that I am in a funk after any sort of dealings with my NPDxh. I totally understand. Venting here is good, of course. Be good to yourself, and ignore any further fishing expeditions by the NPD.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
It makes me really anxious when he talks to me like that. I know he wants me to calm and soothe him and angree with him that what is he saying about me is true.
I get the message loud and clear. Do as he says or he will for sure throw my worthless self away.
As much as we talk here about narcs, what they do.. I have been really going into the melanies evans program.. still it scares me emotionally. I don't want to fight with him. And I can't tell if he really is a narc or just so angry because of his life, because by any standards its been pretty bad.
I don't feel like taking on his blame at me, so I am not buying into it as me yelling at him being worse than him cheating and making babies.
I just feel bad that someone I loved so much and meant so much to now thinks I am something so terrible.
Part of me wants to argue and list out what he did to remind him I am not reacting in a vacuum. Other part of me is screw it, he wont take it on anyway.
I don't plan to talk to him. I feel very low from it.
I know how hard it is and how you want to talk to him and try to get some sense from the crazy mess. NC is so hard too!
My response, which I'm not proud of after the fact, "[DS], Dogs don't notice the color of a person's skin, only bad people do. Skin color isn't a reason not to like someone. Dogs know that, and so do good people."
So yeah, got sucked into that. Now I'm the asshole parent calling the other a bad person to my DS. Awesome.
Get back to NC...
Just a quick question:
Do all NPD's strive to do the EXACT opposite of what you want? I am fuming. We are supposed to be putting two days this weekend into a renovation on a rental property we own. This has been one big fucking teeth pulling experience to get time put into this house. It is imperative to my moving out to get this place rented so the income will help me f'ing leave. He knows how much I need this one done and has - and will - do everything in his power to do the exact opposite. We have owned this place since the end of December. It is just sitting there while we pay taxes, water, electric. Ugh. I just heard him on the phone telling his manager that he needs him on an outside job tomorrow, meaning dumbshit will be manning the office which means he will not be working on the rental. Sunday he will want to sleep in because he's "tired from working 6 days straight in the office". Oh, and I know he could have kept the manager in the office tomorrow. I should know by now if he knows what I want or need he will go to great lengths to make it not happen. I never learn, do I? I will tell you all what: All this shit just reinforces my belief that getting away will be the best decision I've ever made. Please send mojo.
In a word - YES. I have had limited success in using reverse psychology. You can try telling him you can't work on it next weekend.. you have plans and see if it works. Can't hurt to try- right?
(((((Kalli)))) no words of advice... and MTE site can be scary.... keep working at it and it becomes less scary. More hugs,
This weekend I have the pleasure of attending one of my DD's graduation. XH and NW are here also. They opted to stay in a hotel over an hour away. I am in town with our 3 other DDs and granddaughter.. It will be fun seeing friends we have made here over the last 4 years. XH and NW... didn't even know where the college is.... this is their first time visiting.
Oh well... let the party begin.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Dark Souls: Healing and Recovering from Toxic Relationships
The link has a lot of stuff
(h/t to Strongbutbroken, & others who may have posted this, I forget sometimes )
NPD has alienated my 18 year old from me. She has basically cut me out of her life. I think, but am not positive, that it started when she was 16. She wanted to be able to drive my car, with me paying insurance, maintenance, and fuel, but live at her Dad's and park MY car there. I said, "That ain't happening,"
My car, my money, car stays at my house unless it is a very special circumstance.
Since that time, she accuses me of: taking advantage of her dad. He is so poor because of me. I showed her the decree and the tax returnd so she could figure out for herself soemthing was not right as Dad makes 65,000 more per year. Told her NPD could and should ask the court for help...
She has repeatedly stolen from me. I had the cops involved for one of the times. Most recently, she stole an expensive jacket for the second time. When I asked her why, she lied and blamed it on her sister.
She blew me off for Christmas, and refused to spend the night, Said she could only drop by for an hour because she wanted to go shopping with her friends. She wanted a drive-by present grabbing session. She refused to go visit my family, and her grandparents have bent over backwards for her and are very hurt.
She just went on a 2 week school trip to another country to work on the language. She used me to get me to buy her about $400 worth of stuff. I was so happy she wanted to be with me. I thought maybe this nightmare was over....
I then see she posted on Facebook. I love NPD and his girlfriend. They got me a camera for my trip! It cost 1/4 of what I spent. They did not spend two whole days with her, etc. etc. No mention of me on Facebook and she continued to blow me off after she got what she wanted.. That felt like a cruel slap in the face to me. I unfriended her on FB...don't need to see that stuff anymore.
Last week I saw her 5 hours before Prom. She had not mentioned prom to me. I said that I would love to come take your picture, if you let me know what time I will be there. She never let me know....I was crushed.
When asked why she cut me out of prom pics she said, "Cuz yo don't like to be around NPD and his gf."
So, two days ago she emails all cheery....Hey mom, I'd love for you to come to my graduation party. You can invite 20 people and you need to pay $10 per head so you can co-host with NPD and GF....
I replied, "Did I have a miraculous recovery? 2 days ago for prom pics I could not even be in the same backyard with them. Now you want me to co-host a party and sit and chit-chat with them? My answer is no i will not pay."
oh, and I forgot...if I set a boundary and say no....she verbally attacks me with scathing emails or words and never shows one ounce of remorse.
OK, she repeatedly steals, she cuts me out of her life events and then blames me for not attending, she has used me as a human ATM, she takes away my voice and my choice by repeatedly deciding things for me....then uses it against me the next time, and now wants me to co-host a party and pay more money for an ungrateful disrespectful angry teen.
Sounds pretty NPD to me....but I feel so badly for refusing to pay for the grad party/not attending. But, my gut knows she needs a big dose of tough love.
I am so afraid I have just lost her forever.
It's hard to even believe that NPD people actually exist in the real world, I really can't get my head around it at all.
For me it's hard to actually place my ex as NPD although I have done a lot of research and it seems to fit pretty well!