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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie CH, I wish I could load the kids in an RV, come camp out in your driveway, and be a shoulder for you to lean on while you put your back into all these big tasks.

Baby steps.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8737 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, November 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't seem to summon the will and the strength to move forward with everything I have to do (sell house, find a place to live, find schools for my children, find a JOB for the first time in eight years) while dealing with this anxiety. And I'm not even including the legal battles and crazy accusations against me.

HOW did you all do it???

Choosing Hope,
It’s overwhelming if you look at the whole picture. I got through it one day at a time. And when that was too much, it was one hour at a time, sometimes one BREATH at a time. That’s sounding like a cliché, I think, but really it was the ONLY way I could get through. I worried tons, and while I needed to because there was so much to be on top of, I also HAD to do the self-care things in order to be able to keep going.

Al-Anon helped me with this so much. I hated that so much scary, worrying stuff was/is still ahead, but I had to learn to live today for today. Only tackle the stuff that I could tackle at the moment, and let go of the rest. I prayed a lot…more and more as time went on. I called people on the phone when I couldn’t take enough calm breaths.

Just know that it will all end some day, and if you're like me, you aren't gonna' believe how much happier you are. {{{{{ CH }}}}}


Posts: 1049 | Registered: Aug 2010
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, November 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CH, good question!

Number 1. Prioritize. Make lists.

For me the first thing was every day get the kids up and to school. That freed up my day to accomplish something and kept them on a schedule.

On days when I didn't manage to do the necessary things like buy groceries or have a dinner plan? and there were lots of those days in the worst of it... Either we crashed at a friend's house and she fed us. I think she got to where she just added extra for awhile. An angel here on earth... The other thing was milk and cereal were easy to keep on hand. My kids ate, not a home cooked meal, but they ate.

The legal stuff you can let go of for the most part. It is why you have a L. As for being stuck with the not knowing and the divorce process? Plan as if he were dead. Make financial plans and moving plans and job prospects as if it is YOU and only YOU going forward.

You cannot count on a financial support from him. He's proven he's unstable, unpredictable and you cannot count on him. So stop. The unknowns in your life are the things yet to be chosen by you.

Moving is a black hole of energy drain. My move was an opportunity to simplify. We left a lot of stuff for a goodwill pick up. The amount of junk and unused toys and extra kitchen stuff... I tried to keep a hobo with the possessions on the back in mind and if it weren't used regularly or needed, it got left.

Back to the SA vs. NPD question. The NPD indulges himself/herself. What makes them feel good? um, yea, the sex thing... but for some NPD the feel good factor may come from POWER (of a different brand the power of sex) or from recognition in their field. But most, if not all, indulge in the sexual acting out. Especially for the subset of us here, where they cheated bearing out the fact that sexually they are selfish and their egos have at one point taken an AP.

Find a job should be way near the top of what to do. The job is the path to financial independence and will allow you to be self reliant. The job will dictate so much of the other things, where to live, where to put the kids in school, that the job has to come ASAP.

I went back to who I was Pre-NPD in my life. I returned to teaching. But I applied in all kinds of other areas. I applied for court reporter, legal secretary (since I was a self made expert in all things legal all of a sudden), I applied for and was considered for the manager of a children's consignment store. Get out there and apply. Interview. It is good practice and will empower you even if you don't get the job. You will get dressed and made up and feel professional. Each step, each application will make the vision of you back in the world or work more real, and the more real you believe it is, the more confident you will become.

Plus, the anxiety that comes from being stalled? You can end that by getting started!

It is hard. No doubt about it. But in small pieces it is doable. One hour at a time is a reality. One minute maybe. Make lists. Put everything on them so you can mark things off. Like getting the kids out of bed, getting the kids to school. Putting gas in the car.

You are functioning, now show yourself how well you are doing and prove YOU DON'T NEED THAT NPD SOB!!

(((tribe)))


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5289 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, November 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, all.

I'm spending the evening, in my home, organizing paperwork re: divorce, bills, taxes, school stuff, insurance, etc. I'm making a huge to-do list as I go along.

You know, I was always a great list-maker. I love the black-and-white of a list. You finish a task, you cross it off. Or at the very least, you get to move it over to the pending column.

So I might not actually complete much, given all this uncertainty, but I can make an effort and get things moving.

Thank you, all.

As for an update, STBX called the kids tonight after four nights of radio silence. Acted like nothing was wrong. I sent him an email to see if he is coming here tomorrow to see the children. He didn't answer me, but I assume he's coming. He's always the hero to the kids.

He's obviously got somewhere to stay for now. No panic in his voice, no hysteria, no heavy breathing or other warning signs - Did the rest of you notice these things in your NPD when they were upset or scared???

Anyhow, a friend will be with me tomorrow. Apparently his lawyer is trying to reach him to tell him in no uncertain terms that this it's not a good idea for him to move back into this house.

I will tread carefully tomorrow. I worry he will say something damaging to my children. Saying lots of prayers that he will not.

And thank you, all - I'm a little in awe of the NPD tribe.


Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, November 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heavy breathing. Lord... I'm so thankful I don't have to talk to him any longer.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8737 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether intentionally with forethought, or due to impulse - maintaining the facade takes an enormous amount of emotional/psychic energy.
Under duress, mine would begin rocking side-to-side, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Under extreme duress, the motion would progress to a side-to-side shuffle of many steps.
I call it the psycho dance.
(I don't know why, but it was often accompanied with an inward soundtrack of wolves howling, and a video of blood running down the walls...)

The vast energy waste to prop up the falseness manifests outwardly as weird *ticks*, and inwardly it takes a toll as well. Mine developed diabetes, but I believe the most common morbidities manifest in the heart (CHF, arrhythmia, etc.) & the brain (dementia, etc.)...

...since they're *not connected*

Now, this is not to say that ppl who suffer those things are NPD, right?
Neither is heavy breathing under stress.
Heck, the last time I had heavy breathing it was because I lost my drink. (It was at a loud as hell salsa club, so I'll excuse myself with that)...

So while the casual lurker might read

No panic in his voice, no hysteria, no heavy breathing or other warning signs - Did the rest of you notice these things in your NPD when they were upset or scared?

& think we're crazy,

the Tribe nods knowing heads.

PSST! Besides having friend(s) present, it's a good, *protective* idea to secrete a VAR on your person (& test it beforehand for best location and clarity).


Posts: 5996 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just when i thought he couldnt hurt me even worse! well my nx has managed to totally savage my heart. so on the list of him cheating on me after 8 yrs with several women i found out, and abandoning our family, bc i trusted him in that 8 year relationship like any wife would & delayed my annual checkups bc financially we could not afford insurance at the time but figured we were both faithful so it would b ok to delay it, then to find out after his abandonment with no closure, i have cancer and the contributor to one of them was bc of the 2 STDs he gave me that went untreated, then he moves on with another girl i find out who is pregnant and almost about to deliver, at the same time my ability to have children has been scheduled to be taken away as part of my treatment to remove the cancer, and i must tell u we lost a baby and we had picked a name and i dont know why i looked on his relatives FB status just out of curiosity to c if he has changed for her but instead find out he is naming their child the name of ours that passed! omg, who the hell is so cold hearted! o, and did i mention all this has hapened in just a year. im soo hurt and angry!!! how dare he!! disrespect me, our family, & the memory of our baby. just bc she wasnt born doesnt mean he could use the name!! it was our name for our baby!! I dont know how to feel. im soo numb. i havent had a chence to process this bad nightmare bc my priority in the past year is to my treatment and children. so many losses i just cant mourn right now! i wont b looking at FB again, its poison to me right now. I just dont understand how someone who claimed to love me foe so long discards me so callously! i can actually say, he was very good to me. never was mean or angry with me. i would never have seen this coming, he really pulled off the great illusion up until he got busted cheating with another women at that time, i dont know where this one came from. borken up a few weeks shy of a year and she is about to deliver!! i need support

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for the loss of your family, your baby, your future.

You have so much loss, do you have some family to hold you and love you.

Its like its not good enough to cheat on us, control us, punish us, but to continuento do it when we finally break free is beyond cruel, its evil.

Get help, talk to an IC until you heal from this.

Sending you hugs and prayers.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
MyReturn2Me
♀ Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((starlightsky))


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im still very hurt): ive been NC with my XN for 11 months now & broken up Barely a year. he doesnt know I know any of the things about him from the past year. He left with no closure. After confronted with his infidelities left with saying I still lov u but im gonna get counseling to work on myself so I can come home. After that never heard from him. Anandoned my kids & I. They r not his biologocally but he raised them for 8 yrs & he called them his own as they called him dad. So he discards us so mean. At the time I caught him in his infidelities I had just miscarried, I was 9weeks& he played concerned we cried but it was overshadowed by his infidelities. I didnt mourn the loss completely bc of the problems. So I find out he is naming his new baby with this girl thats due in a few days the name of our baby that passed. The name has no significance to a family member on his side or friend. It was only a name we knew of noone else would have bc its not common. So I know she didnt choose it. Plus he changed the middle name that resembles my daughters! Im so hurt. If he left me so mean & cut us off why would he do that to name his new baby after ours if it would remind him of us & his past he ran from?! she doesnt even know im sure. I just dont understand but I feel so betrayed to add to all of the pain! He is unaware I know any of it...

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The further you move away from these idiots, the more your eyes open.

I just realized that I never heard him tell anyone, not even our kids how we met and fell in love. He never told me how he felt, just the same as you.

Good gracious I was a young in love fool.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just heard Martina McBride sing this and it is my new theme song:

Wrong Baby Wrong

Wrong baby, wrong baby, wrong, it ain't the end of the world
Don't you worry, pretty girl
'Cause now that he's gone baby, gone baby, gone
You got nothin' to lose, count the minutes if you want to

It won't be long baby, long baby, long
'Til you find somebody new

Come on now, everyone falls down
Everyone crawls now and then, then they get up again
You cry if you want to, that's what we all do
But if you think you'll never move on, you're wrong baby

Cry baby, cry baby, cry, go on and let it all out
I ain't leavin' you now
And we can fly baby, fly baby, fly, let's share a bottle of wine
We can laugh about the good times

And you'll know why baby, why baby, why
It's gonna be alright

Come on now, everyone falls down
Everyone crawls now and then, then they get up again
You cry if you want to, that's what we all do
But if you think you'll never move on, you're wrong baby, wrong

Oh, you ain't gone, baby wrong, baby wrong
There's nothin' wrong with movin' on
When you know he's good and gone

Come on now, everyone falls down
Everyone crawls now and then, then they get up again
You cry if you want to, that's what we all do

Come on now, everyone falls down
Everyone crawls now and then, then they get up again
You cry if you want to, that's what we all do
But if you think you'll never move on, you're wrong baby, wrong
You're wrong baby, wrong
Wrong baby, wrong baby, wrong


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1193 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Learning who I am again!
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, November 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I join "the Tribe"?

My X has been gone for 9 years, he married NOW a couple of weeks after our divorce.

Long story short, they moved closer to me, less than a mile just over a year ago. NW-narc wife drives by my house almost once a week. Two neighbors (both cops) told me about it. One told me to get a gun, (his wife used to work with OW) because when NW devolves she will loose it. - His words.

We have 4 kids 3 in college, 1 a senior in HS. WE have one grandbaby that he is not allowed to see. NW and D2(baby mama) do not get along, so X is not allowed to see the baby.

It has been a long road to get here. I have been thru the wringer with the N1 and bigger N2 (his wife). He is now being treated like he treated me. Interesting to hear my kids tell me.

I am a survivor....

And I found 23 tubes of caulk... all different manufacturers, colors, and for various projects that did not get finished.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4002 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, November 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is what i am dealin with, now i understand and the pain is so intense. i dont think i willsurvive. i am disposed of. i am falling apert it hurts so bad how could i be so irrelevant


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1085 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, November 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my pain means nothing


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1085 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, November 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Kajem and Cantaccept. There is always room here for ones who need us.

Kajem, I'm glad you've confirmed your membership reuirements here by using the caulk count. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel safe. I'm glad you have neighbors/cops to keep an eye on things for you as well.

Cantaccept, I feel your pain. I remember feeling exactly as you do - discarded. Tossed aside like so much rubbish. This is typical of NPDs. Once they are done with us, they will just cast us aside like a broken toy. Something new and flashy has gotten their attention and we are no longer useful to them.

Please know that your feelings are valid. We understand your pain. We have been where you are. You will survive this. Please keep posting here. Feel free to vent. Let it out. We are here for you.

(((Tribe)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7623 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, November 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing hope,,,
I am learning that I never ask him/tell him anything.... his plans, etc. I plan for him picking up the children, and if he doesn't show,,, well ok!

example of the NC I am now employing: He asked for my acct # to depo child supp checks into. (recently D, I want separated acct so he doens't know my business) I told him I'd have it for him 11/23. I put the envelope with voided ck of new acct, new bank, in the newpaper holder outside (where we leave each other paperwork, etc). In the old days I would call and let him know it's there...Not anymore. The envelope is there. He'll get it when he gets it. Baby step for me, but all the baby steps are starting to add up. He has bought an older truck for my son. Son says they are hoping I pay for Drivers Ed. I said, "hmmmm". Old days I would have called him griping because how dare they buy him a vehicle and just expect me to pay for DE. So,,, I'm not going to pay for DE, but I'm not going to have that conversation with him. When I HAVE to answer the question, it will be "No". That's it, no discussion. I am starting to get this.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:34 AM, November 24th (Saturday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1700 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, November 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new in NPD thread.

What I am starting to see here is awesome!!! I have been up most of the night bc XH is letting my children now be around the OW. They are lying to the children that they are "friends". The OW is sociopath, I believe, because she "sets up" the affair partners to be friends with her H, and gets the Affair Partner to get their wife to be friends with her. YUCK! Top it off that her 1st marriage ended in her H killing the OM (his friend) and himself due to her messing him up in the head so badly.

I subpoenaed 12,000 or so text messages between my H and this OW.

My children have suddenly stopped believing what their counselor and I have told them --- that the affair is real, and now they are telling me --- MOm, Dad and ______ are just really good friends.

I feel somedays I am going to go crazy, but wait,,, isn't that what they want---to watch that happen so they can laugh and eat popcorn as they watch me lose it????

I will stay in control....


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1700 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, November 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Starlightsky I am thinking the OW would be shocked to learn the name they chose is the name of your baby....

Do you have anyone who knows her who will just walk up to her and give her this info? I am thinking if she hears it from someone,,,she may choose a different name... especially if someone who knew that this was your baby's name told her or a friend of hers...

Heck someone on the Invest. section here who lives in your town would prob go up to her in grocery store, and just say, when is your baby due? What is the name going to be? Then they could say,,, wow the only time I've ever heard that name is when ___ and ____ lost their baby with that beautiful name.

If I can help, please pm me....I live in SC.

Believe me,,, the OW is going to be SHOCKED to learn about this especially if he never told her!!!! and I am willng to be she will change the name.. I would....

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:53 AM, November 24th (Saturday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1700 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, November 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBX truly does not care that he's literally tearing the children in two. Hell, I don't think he's capable of even realizing it.


I am learning that this is so true!!!!!!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1700 | Registered: Jan 2012
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