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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems each subsequent relationship I have gotten into, the person has been less and less NPD. I figure I will one day be free of NPD... hopefully.

If NPD is a type and we have a type that draws us to them, it is co-dependency I think. I like the book, "Co-dependent No More" a lot. Permission to take care of YOU and not everyone else is a huge step in healing. Defining self care as positive and not selfish. Not justifying or making excuses for why someone's behavior that makes us feel bad is really ok because they "didn't mean it" that way.

Remember the NPD is highly evolved in the ability to be charming and fun and charismatic. They are at the core addicts and need the supply, the ego kibble. That requires social skills and the ability to capture the attention and care from others.

Healing is a process. I find that patterns in my own thinking (when I make excuses for others) are easier to recognize.

((((tribe)))))

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 12:29 AM, March 10th (Sunday)]


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my favorite authors .

Caregiver have you read the Art of Letting Go by Melody Beattie?

It's a co-dependent inspirational book set up with a reading a day to help remind the cody that it's ok to do self care. I've worn out 2 paperpacks already. It helps me not to take on other peoples responsibility.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem, I looked at that book but worried there would be too much Christianity and God in it for a heathen like me - is it quite godly?


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Kajem, I did read it a long time ago. It did not have the same impact as the CDNo More book did.

@Edie, HI!! I was thinking of you yesterday. It is good to see you on the boards today. Can you take the Godly aspects and make it about YOUR higher self?

I have found myself reading the NPD threads more in the last week or so. I go through times when I can take breaks and when I read SI less and less. But there is some sense that "something" might be brewing or a shoe might drop... and I come to this thread for reassurance and to remind myself what I am looking out for and why diligence is a good thing.

The odd thing is that I think the fear/anxiety this time is related to Stretch's current act of good will and normal chatty "good guy" act. Gah, it just makes my teeth hurt. I just smile and nod and let him play this role as it is counter productive to give the jaw dropping eye rolling disbelief which could cause him to attack. Walking in crazy.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caregiver, hi lovely! Nice to see you too.

Acting pleasant sounds like by far the best strategy with Stretch. Gah! (As you say.)

The real Oscar winners are here on this thread - that's a salute to all of you who can perform best tactic to disarm the NPD to keep safe, NOT the NPDs, (but of course they give grand performances too, as in great mask work!)


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acting pleasant sounds like by far the best strategy with Stretch. Gah! (As you say.)

The real Oscar winners are here on this thread - that's a salute to all of you who can perform best tactic to disarm the NPD to keep safe,

This is the real problem I have. So many people tell me things to say and do to my NPD WH, when I know in my gut it won't work. They are talking about dealing with a "normal" or "semi-normal" person.

One question that's been bothering me:

How do I know that I should listen to my "gut" when dealing with the NPD or is it just fear, or conditioning?

Or: all of the above.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It can be so complicated and confusing - you find yourself turning in crazy circles, looking for you.
I've sheathed a thousand perfectly sharpened verbal spears, knowing that to throw them would be only to contribute to the chaos. A chaos I would have to eventually deal with.

It's like a sci-fi movie, where any weapon directed at the dark, evil, galaxy-gobbling force strengthens it.

That's why the only weapons are minimal contact if you can't manage NC.
Cultivate a variety of minimally-interested phrases to respond to enemy probes:
I don't know,
I'll think about that, mmm-hmmm...
any thing you can think of to minimize interaction and involvement:
Oh! I have to go get,
chewing a mouthful of food,
eyes finding something else of great interest,
having to focus on something else; a chore, an action, the way someone else is acting, speaking, driving...dang this hangnail, what's itching on my shoulder, and seeking the bathroom mirror...

Develop your own ditty bag of tricks to present yourself as uninteresting, boring, neutral, numb...AKA:
not a good source of supply.

Fear is a darn good motivator to help you eventually detach from these caulkheads.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
want_to_forgive
♀ Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I had kind of a tough day but am feeling stronger tonight.

I have been thinking of my relationship with my STBX and mulling over some of the "good stuff". He was almost always much more pleasant and affectionate when we were with friends or family. Is it possible that I mistook that for real affection when it was really just a show for the people we were around? He was almost never affectionate towards me if we were alone.

I mean never. I have always been confused by this behavior in him. I couldn't understand why he was so dismissive of me in private but seemed to be happy with me in public. Another sign of NPD?


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure what the experts say, but I can tell you it was completely true of *his majesty the king.* I think the show for his public and perception of perfection was what it boiled down to. You are not alone in this.

(((want_to_forgive))) I'm glad you're feeing better


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, its all about how people see them but they don't let people get too close in case they see behind the veil.

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you jjct.

I'm not at the point of NC as of yet. Trying to get my ducks in a row because I know the shit will hit the fan when I really start. I guess the main problem is the acting, and he's acting and I sooo want it to be real, I've fallen for it so many times.

Crazy making, and I think I've become crazy too in the process.

Want to forgive: I've had WH do the same thing to me many times. He was giving me the silent treatment for a week once and when we had company over, he acted all sweet and nice in front of everyone. It's a show to make themselves look good in front of others.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was almost always much more pleasant and affectionate when we were with friends or family

THIS THIS THIS!!!!

I kept inviting family, friends, neighbors, even his OWs over just so he would be nice to me I didn't know they were OW at t he time..but started to get suspicious). When we were alone he would completely shut off, disengage, and ignore me, unless he wanted sex, then he'd treat me like a blow up doll - absolutely no emotional connection/kindness. it was a nightmare


Posts: 415 | Registered: Jun 2012
want_to_forgive
♀ Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow you guys, it is amazing to have found a place where people really can relate. It is so freaking validating. I'm not crazy!


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
want_to_forgive
♀ Member
Member # 20470
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am quickly learning not to talk with people about my NPD suspicions outside this forum. I tried to talk to my parents about how relieved I am to have found information to help me deal with my STBX and heal myself. Again, the answer that I got from them was that I need to be careful trying to diagnose someone with a mental illness from something I read online.

Well, I can pretty much guarantee that he isn't going to offer himself up to a psychologist for diagnosis, so I have to go with my gut and 12 years of experience with this man.

Someone who hasn't lived this kind of insidious abuse will never understand.

I have been helped more in the past few weeks by SI and people in this thread than I have by well meaning friends, family and counselors the entire course of my F*&ed Up marriage. Not that I am looking to them for validation now, I am starting to trust my own mind. Something I have had a very hard time with for years.

I will probably keep coming back here with my AH HA! moments though, it feels really good to be able to share with people who understand.


M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alaska
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone who hasn't lived this kind of insidious abuse will never understand.

exactly... if they know the N, who is putting on a false front of a kind and caring person to them they will think YOU are crazy!

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jun 2012
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((w_t_f)))

I remember that feeling. It is a special thing to relax into the comfort of not having to explain or say, "yes, but..." about every conversation. Welcome to the Tribe.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


exactly... if they know the N, who is putting on a false front of a kind and caring person to them they will think YOU are crazy!

DING DING DING!!!!!!! We have a winner here, folks!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want, I felt and still feel that way. If it weren't for the people here on this thread, I would probably be dead by now. I was so close to finally giving up... but these folks saved me, dragged me out of the mire, and led me to sanity. I'm glad you found us but sorry you had to.

As for me, I am headed to the trial for his breaking the protection order today. He did try to get another continuance, because the guy who is too poor to pay child support wanted to hire another attorney last week. Of course the new one would need time to get up to speed... But my prosecutor said NO WAY, and so it's on. After that is over, we head to the modification hearing. I'm in for a long, stressful day. (Fell off the wagon and am smoking again, from the stress, but I'll catch it and climb on again.)

I found it highly interesting last night to find out his sister is running an online fundraiser for him, telling people his disability coverage doesn't cover his medical and financial needs. Bull. If that were the case, how'd he get the surgery she writes about? No, the state garnishing his SSDI for child support is cutting into his lifestyle, and that can't happen. She's as much a scam artist as he is. Those aren't apples, they're peas in a pod.

Anyway, send mojo, prayers, whatever... I'm facing the monster today, and I'm praying he ends up convicted. I don't care what penalties he does or does not get. I just want the conviction. After that, it's all downhill for him.

And I did something I never thought I'd have the nerve to do: I gave the collector who called me for the zillionth time HIS phone number, and said why not talk to the man who created the debt? That's going to be my standard answer, now. I'm not paying the whole bunch of them. I'll pay the ones I can, and he can start facing some of that music he started playing.

(((((Tribe))))) Wish me luck today! It's gonna be a long one, I think.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Hurt, so good to see you. Good luck today. Hugs.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Edie. Good to see you, too. Here's what happened this morning...

He didn't show up, (it's a criminal case,) and his attorney asked for a continuance - because, like I said before, he wants his NEW attorney to get up to speed on the case. Well, the judge is not happy, and neither are the prosecutors. So his old attorney is there, doesn't know where her client is, and has no idea what's happening other than he's firing her and filing a complaint.

The judge says first that he's going to let the old attorney go, and grant the continuance, even though he already said there would be no more continuances granted to the defense. But without him there, the trial can't go forward, so he has no choice, which does not please him one bit. My STBXN's plan worked.

Except that then the judge addressed the failure to appear. Asked the prosecutor what he wanted to be done about that, and the answer was a $5,000 warrant for arrest. His Honor doubled it. So after we were done, the prosecutor tells me he will be at the modification hearing this afternoon, with the sheriff, and STBXN is going to jail.

Yes, sir, they are quite literally the best player on your team.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
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