Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Turtles (43206)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 11
healthyself
♀ Member
Member # 29189
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could someone direct me to articles...to help me better understand what happens and continues to happen to a person after being in a relationship with an NPD for 15 years and now Divorced trying to "coparent" NOT Kids with him...I feel like I'm going crazy!! He up and left me for another woman(NPD,too, I'd say...no one had /has any idea why I'd was upset?!?!) my son was18months old and my daughter was 4... four years later the passive aggressive games continue...I am soooo angry and I hate it!! Help:(((((

[This message edited by healthyself at 9:43 AM, January 13th (Sunday)]


The truth will set you free...

Me 42
2 Kids...3 and 6
H 41...HW 39 living together...
DD 9.15.08


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jul 2010
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actions speak louder than words.

As far as I am concerned the above is all that needs to be sent. He needs to walk his talk. The letter is all about HIM, What HE wants, How HE is wanting to be a better person, and you are keeping him from doing that because you won't forget his indiscretion.

You do not need to reply, he NEEDS to work on his issues, then and only then does the relationship stand any chance of moving forward.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4021 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healthymyself,

For me there is no coparenting with NPD, only reparenting.

I sent you a PM with the name of a site that has helped me to deal with My recovery from NPD, as well as my kids.

Hugs,


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4021 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
MyReturn2Me
♀ Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as I am concerned the above is all that needs to be sent. He needs to walk his talk. The letter is all about HIM, What HE wants, How HE is wanting to be a better person, and you are keeping him from doing that because you won't forget his indiscretion.

Thank you Kajem. It sounded like a big 'ole baby, whining and not getting what he wants when he wants.

F.T.G.!

healthyself if you go back a page or two in this thread there are some EXCELLENT links to some awesome websites, or sanity savers, as I now like to call them.

Welcome to the dawn!


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here he goes again. I blocked him so he wouldn't text me and told him to call the house phone or email me regarding our child or finances.

So I am checking my junk email and there is a text message from him to tell me to be safe in this weather. No child support, no spousal support, but a message to be careful.

I feel like he needs a supply and the vampire must be a little thirsty. A little annoyed that he got past my block.

[This message edited by wontdefineme at 5:11 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only time a vampire is not thirsty is when they're asleep.
(((healthyself)))
a page or two back, I think I posted a link to a co-parenting site that might help.

It took me awhile to get caught up, but if you read the threads here at SI on NPD from early - some years ago - you will find many links from the great people here.
Here is the earliest I could find:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=196693


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, January 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, (((((Tribe,))))) the trial was moved to tomorrow... the one for breaking the protection order. So the kids and I have to testify in the morning, and hopefully see him convicted. It should be interesting. I'll update as soon as I can. I'm having trouble getting to use the computer again, so it's been an issue.

Otherwise, we are still embroiled in CS crap, and today I got a notice he'd applied for SSDI for my son on his account. The problem is, he cannot be the payee on it, because he doesn't have custody. I called them, but got the national number rather than the local office, which was closed. So in the morning, before court, I'll be calling them to inform them of what's going on. So he is not even going to have the telephone appt he scheduled, because as the NONcustodial parent, he isn't allowed to.

Also, I'm starting to hear stories he's telling other people, and they are horrifying. So far, they are all the same, so the next person who begins a narrative is going to hear me say STOP, I ALREADY KNOW WHAT HE'S TOLD YOU. And more.

This never ends. It just never ends. Every time I start to think I can't be stunned again, I am. I'll get through all this crap, and I'll come out of it much stronger and wiser. And single, with no intention of EVER having a relationship again. DONE is what I am.

Anyway just rambling through what's going on, just to have some contact with people who understand. Pray or whatever you do, that tomorrow goes well.

(((((Tribe)))))


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SoHurt)))

Praying for you, and your children through all this mess. Strength and healing as you testify, gear up and take a deep breath. You are a survivor of the worst of the worst IMO, stronger and wiser already.

Sometimes it seems that all they can do is vomit BS. We are here for you to vent away anytime, please let us know how the trial goes

Strength and hugs,
Charlie


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, January 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everytime we think we are free and clear of them, their lies and abuse never seem to stop. Then their arrogance of the situation is like a needle in your eye.

I have to keep reminding myself that most days I have peace and what I do with my life now is my decision.

The effects of his disease are like gas when you ate that food when you shouldn't have. He is nothing more.

I guess we need to read about the women and men who made a wonderful life for themselves after great loss.

[This message edited by wontdefineme at 8:04 PM, January 17th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, January 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SoHurt)))))

Thinking of you and your kids and praying tomorrow he gets what he deserves.

More hugs,

k


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4021 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
MyReturn2Me
♀ Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, January 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((sohurt)) thinking of you and wishing ya'll the best!!

The everytime we think we are free and clear of them, their lies and abuse never seem to stop. Then their arrogance of the situation is like a needle in your eye.

This stood out to me as my stbxh thinks he still has a chance, has always loved me and no one else, unless it was with his penis, and obviously didn't hear me when I told him that I was going to divorce him. Arrogant is an understatement

[This message edited by MyReturn2Me at 1:48 PM, January 17th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, January 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a needle in my iris
still I'll pull it out
red blood on wiggled fingertips
still,
I pulled it out.
Scar forms wherever healing lies
still,
I pulled it out.

In some scarring screaming
listening,
hears GLAD you pulled it out.

Our hearts are better.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, January 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great words.

Go from needle in my eye to...

"Thorn In My Side"

You gave me such a bad time tried to hurt me, but now I know...

Thorn in my side. You know that's all you ever were. A bundle of lies. You know that's all that it was worth... I should have known better But I trusted you at first. I should have known better But I got what I deserved...

To run away from you Was all that I could do. To run away from you Was all that I could do.

Thorn in my side. You know that's all you'll ever be. So don't think you know better 'Cause that's what you mean to me... I was feeling complicated. I was feeling low. Now everytime I think of you I shiver to the bone...


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, January 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ode to my STBX
(written in the style of Sam Kinison)

YOU'RE A FREAK!!!!!!!!!
YOU'RE A TOTAL FUCKING FREAK!!!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??????????????

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Czmb6tEwFE8


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
angerisme
♀ Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have suspected for years a NPD dx for WH. His skills at "circular speech" are legendary! Circular speech is when a person gets into a conversation that makes them uncomfortable so they do not want to reach resolution. Each individual sentence is somehow connected but all sentences are not necessarily topic relevant so NOTHING-NO-NONE communication occurs! It is infuriating and crazy-making. Once you begin to recognize circular speech, then it becomes pathetic and sad. It is a clear symptom of a totally dysfunctional, ineffective person who simply can not manage the mistakes they have made in their lives. Maybe we should have a Circular Speech Thread as a game...it might help some of us become adept at recognizing this damage pattern of interaction.


If they cheat once and only show remorse when they get caught...GET A LAWYER! Dont waste 10 years only to learn you've been manipulated for a decade. Youth lost to betrayal is a terrible foundation for the rest of your life.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Dec 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, January 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Hurt,

Sending you good thoughts today.

And cyber hugs to hold you when you need it. Think of us standing behind you in the gallery-giving your X the evil eye.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4021 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOVE the word

reparenting

I discarded coparenting a long time ago and tried to thing parallel parenting but that assumes he is parenting. Reparenting is much better as I do have to undo and correct what he calls parenting when he has them.

Thanks!!


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5300 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caregiver,

EXACTLY... it's like reprogramming someone from a cult mentality.... Only the kids aren't fully immersed just yet.

Angerisme... circular speech.. I used to say my XH talked in circles.... and he did. But then he is a lawyer... they thrive on that... and make a lot of money doing it to the people who are against their client.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4021 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he finally paid me, short of course even if he paid only from the court date forward. Still manages to try and control me through the only way he has left.

THIS will make me learn how to drag his arse back into court and defend myself if I have to.

Divorced him because I knew he wouldn't change, glad I got something right finally.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, January 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling rambly...

Thinking about my father tonight. He passed away several years ago on this date about two weeks after a devastating stroke. STBX took that middle of the night phone call that my father had experienced a stroke and was possibly not going to survive it. Did he wake me? No. Did he tell me in the morning? Maybe go in late to work or call in to work & stay home to comfort me or support me while I tried to find out information? No.

Nope. What he did was leave me a post-it note on the kitchen counter for me to find when I got up & was making my morning cup of coffee and getting breakfast ready for three very young children. He was already gone to work.

He worked a full day. I mean, why bother to come home early, right? And then when the day came that my dad died, he worked a full day then, too.

Actually, I was just as glad he didn't stay home or come home early because - NPD alert - when he did arrive did he put his arms around me & hold me while I dissolved in grief on the day of my dad's death? Nope. He went into a long soliloquy about his own father's death, then he went on about his mother's death, then he went on about how he was an orphan.

Then he wondered about the children and about dinner.

In the days & weeks following my father's death I learned not to say anything but a few superficial sentences about what I was going through. Any mention of my father's death would trigger STBX to engage one of his monologues.

He did stay home with the children while I went out of town to bury Dad. I was only permitted to be gone one night because he didn't want to take any days off of work. While I was gone he took that opportunity - NPD alert! - to "organize" the kitchen pantry for me. Mind you, he was not the family cook, he had NO idea how to properly organize a pantry. I had it all arranged with canned goods on one shelf, separated out by type. Spices & small specialty items on another shelf, again sorted by usage & type. Dry goods such as flour, pastas, corn meal, and so forth on another shelf, and so on. A well organized pantry. STBX took it upon himself to shove EVERYTHING tightly together on as few shelves as possible. Packed with no spaces, all items mixed together in no order or thought process, all types of items distributed on all shelves & racks, front to back, crammed in together. It was a masterpiece of insanity & cruelty. We had a raging fight when I came home from burying Dad, went to the kitchen to fix myself a snack, and saw that my beautiful pantry had been obliterated. He wanted me - NPD alert! - to praise him for fixing the pantry. He wanted me to thank him & appreciate the hard work he expended on my behalf helping me that way. And when I didn't? When instead I burst into sobs & screamed, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???", a fight ensued. How dare I not appreciate him? After all he'd done? After all the understanding he'd extended toward me by staying home with the children? And by the way, I needed to notice that he'd done laundry while I was gone, and vacuumed, and dusted, and cleaned the toilets, and really he could NOT understand why I didn't get more accomplished around the house on a day-to-day basis. He was able to do everything with no trouble. He couldn't understand what my problem was, but at least now he knew I'd not have any problems in the kitchen because he'd organized the damn pantry for me. But clearly I didn't appreciate him. Clearly I thought I was so perfect and he was a complete fuck up. Clearly I did not understand the nature of a marriage, nor did I appreciate how hard he worked at his job every day, the money he brought home, the money he'd just spent to pay for my hotel room that I'd slept in while out of town burying my dad...

And there I was in the kitchen, still in shock from grief & despair of losing my Daddy, hungry from the long drive & lack of food since I'd been so bereaved I'd not really eaten for several days, and now my pantry had been destroyed and I wasn't properly appreciative.

I don't really have a point to this post. I just need to share. I miss my dad. My husband would NOT be getting away with this treatment of me & the children if my dad were alive today. I'm a few days out from my one-year millionth-billionth DDay antiversary, the one that sent me over the edge & sealed the deal so I knew I had to divorce him ASAP... I'm alone & lonely. Wishing I could have a couple glasses of wine and cry my heart out, knowing I won't because I don't want to drink alone plus my kids are still awake. I'm thinking of the contrast between my dad & STBX. Oh God, what was I thinking when I married him??? Everything was always all about him. He couldn't even be decent and let me have my father's death & burial. He had to fuck that up for me too. You know I asked him to contact our church & have an announcement of my dad's death put into the weekly bulletin. I wanted the people at church to know so they could comfort me. Of course he didn't, though. I made sure when HIS dad died that an announcment went out, people at church knew & gave him hugs & handsqueezes after church, they sent flowers & a card. I got nothing. Nobody knew.

You know, when I was back in my hometown burying Dad, after the gravesite service we went to an Olive Garden. Pretty big crowd of extended friends & family. My high school boyfriend was there & sat next to me. He was divorced. We had been so much in love. He gave me my first orgasm, BTW. I didn't know what one was, didn't know what was happening to me. Good times... Anyway, he'd always remained very close to my family, my parents were surrogate parents for him, so he was deeply grieved when Dad died. And he sat next to me at the dinner. Paid me several compliments, was so kind to me. A perfect gentleman, but he made a few remarks which were clear my folks had told him over the years about how horrible STBX had been treating me (and they didn't know the half of it!), so he told me he was very sorry that things hadn't turned out well. Said he'd only ever wanted happiness for me. I realized that I had the opportunity at that moment to at the very least have a night of amazing sex (STBX hadn't touched me in years by that point), if not have an outright LDR with someone who clearly still had a flame for me. And for oh, maybe two or three seconds the thoughts went through my head. And then I realized that this was not how I wanted to be, I was not a cheater, I was the kind of woman who honored her marriage vows, so I excused myself & walked to the other end of the looooooooooong table to talk to people down there. Away from him. I am still glad I did that. Still glad I gave him no encouragement nor did I do anything even remotely questionable. Why do you suppose that is?

I'm gonna press submit now. I just needed to get that off my chest.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.