Maybe we should make people wear a scarlet A! And not to punish and shame them, but just to give the rest of us poor souls a fighting chance to stay clear.
Eleven years is unbearable.
There are no shortcuts.
The problem with infidelity is that most studies done are never the same. None I have ever seen about LTA's..
So I gave it a try.. base on some studies and common sense... Now I only took married cheating with married.. so those mental ill singles are not part of this picture.
ONS are far more common based on a LHJ study. So to make the averages work.. ONS to longer A have leap.
I kinda put your 12 year in the 4% of all affairs. Maybe about 1.7 to 2 millon people have that length or longer of an affair.
When you look at the numbers, people like you and I sure picked winning spouses. I measured pain once.. people in 2 years can have equal pain as some in 9 years.
One guy who post here a few times.. his wife had a 30 or 40 year A.
My chart I just assumed past 20 years is too rare to count or make a difference.
[This message edited by trynhard at 5:18 PM, February 22nd (Friday)]
I was referring to some of the other posters before me. Right when my world was blowing up, a friend had just found out that her husbnd had been involved in a pretty heavy ugh affair of about six years. And I thought, well at least I'm not married to x. But then I stopped with the very sobering realization that a spouse capable of a 2.5 year affair was just as screwed up as the six year guy.
I think according to the graph, maybe 8% are in my range. Or more like30-40 % go beyond two years. That seems high.
m334455, Thanks for replying. I am still a nervous wreck trying to type this. Hands are shaking all over the keyboard.
I laughed when I read you ask if I could go to a retreat or something. Nope...As he made horrible decisions in his personal life,he did also with finances,so,no, I cant afford to go anywhere. I'm right here. I have family,but only 2 of my sisters know. One hasn't got an extra bedroom,and the other also has fibromyalgia and she is living her own hell,and she had to quit her job after 17 years. A while back she called me talking of committing suicide. The doctors almost put her in a mental hospital. She doesnt need me there. I think my telling her about what's happened to me triggered her,as her husband had an affair a few years ago. I'm doing the best I can with what I have to work with.
I am NOT working on the 'relationship'. I told him I worked on it for 25 years. It's his turn. And I have to see a COMPLETE difference in every way from how he has been with me and it needs to be genuine. I'm sitting and watching. I do still spill tears once in a while,but I am getting stronger every day. My mind set is better,but my nerves will NOT calm down! That causes the fibro to flare more and then it's a cycle.
My daughter just got married on Feb 2 this year. Her husband is stationed in Korea, 30 miles from the boarder of N. Korea though,so she cant be with him. I need to be strong for her,and available if she needs me.
I am working on my own health. I'm doing MUCH better than I had in the past year,as it took me that long to even post. In my profile story,I said he nearly killed me...He truly almost did. I recently read an article about it's been proven that people actually CAN die of a broken heart. I came as close as a human could and survive,so far.
Still waiting to hear from the counselor. I'm dealing the best I can minute by minute.
Thanks for the encouragement.
[This message edited by hisfool at 2:43 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)]
I shook like a leaf for over one month-even after taking meds for anxiety as well as anti depressants.
Finding out about a LTA is so traumatic.
And yes- there is a real syndrome-broken heart syndrome.
It mostly affects women.
I did have have heart pain and difficulty breathing for weeks after d-day.
You need to take care of yourself and your daughter.
You are absolutely right!
You worked on the marriage for over 20 yrs.
Now it's his turn.
Detach, detach, detach...try to do whatever it takes to calm yourself.
It doesn't have to be expensive.
I took baths to calm myself down.
Sometimes at 2 AM!
I did yoga.
I took long walks in the park.
I went to the movies and for a few hours I was able to focus on something other than the LTA.
I did go to IC and that was a life saver for me...
I am sorry everyone is going through the pain they are. Please listen to all the wise souls that are here and have lived through your pain. I am sorry to say I am a FWW who had a 6 year LTA. My BH and I are a little over 3 years out from D Day.
But when you were writing of things to keep you busy and mind off of the trauma your hearts are experiencing I wanted to share an idea in case it can help someone.
My BH has to commute every day a little over an hour each way. Those times driving were very hard for him, being alone with his thoughts, even the radio wasn't a refuge because we all know where songs can take us.
So I suggested at MC that we get him some audio books for the ride. Our MC thought that was an excellent idea. I RAN to the library right away and found a book I thought he would like. Can I just tell you as much as he thought he couldn't get into it, he SO has. This was his first week and a few of the days he winds up sitting in our driveway for a few more minutes to finish a chapter. lol He is looking to get to the library himself this week to get another one, the one I got him will be over by the end of the week.
Hope everyone has a good night.
it is amazing what extraordinary lengths these WS have gone through to both hide and mentally justify their LTA for as long as they do. Are A's common - absolutely unfortunately, are LTA's common, they are common enough but I think it takes a unique person for someone to carry these on for as long as they have
In my case, my W's A stopped when I discovered the A and her choice was to either continue in the M or with the AP. She knew I would not accpet both. This seems to be true for 98% of the A stories on SI. It is rare that an A had stopped without it being discovered.
My 18 cents.
All affairs have the potential to become LTAs. The only difference is when they are discovered or.... if one of the affair partners start to put on pressure to go to the next level and want more of a commitment.
That's when the affairs also end.
If both of the APs are OK with the 'arrangement' it can continue for a long time.
Friday night, W cuddles up to me and says "I do not know what to do (about continuing in the M or D)" and is foolowed by "I should not have to force it (sexual)"/
Saturday moring I remind her that it is her choice to engage fully in the M or we D. If she is undecided then she needs to work on the M, making the changes needed to make it better, and I will be fully engaged as well in working on the M, improving as her H, and improving on myself. I am moving on with my life and am not staying in this miserable state of our current M. W "okay, let's work on the M". Her voice seeed more sincere than in the past and she will need to find ways to reflect on the past, present, and future to make our M a good one.
Right now, I am in a stunned state; hurt by her overt rejection(s). Time to walk the dog.
Still, it must be so painful for you. May you find your own way and peace quickly. I have learned that recovering from an LTA is a long and tortuous journey that can bring its own special insights and rewards.
Take care of yourself, take care of yourself, take care of yourself.
[This message edited by hisfool at 3:20 PM, February 24th (Sunday)]
I simply can't accept that they screwed a few times and then just talked on the phone for the next 13 years through us having been married during this and having four children. What kind of sick bastard hangs around through all that and what kind of woman keeps a straight face while exchanging vows and holding a baby on your chest (1 set of twins) all while knowing you are sharing all these personal moments with a lover while smiling at your SO? Please tell me the reality that I think I already know. I think LTAs have initial and then sporadic sexual encounters and NOTHING stands in the way of that. There may be stretches of emotional contact only, but I think that does not last long as the tension ebbs and flows. I agree there comes a point that the entire LTA simply "peters out"......no pun intended, but funny nonetheless.
In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997
4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.
[This message edited by Smittygds at 9:06 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]
My WH had an 18 month affair which would still be going on if I had not discovered it 12/1/12.
He said at first that it was just talk which then turned into oral sex.
No, the truth was it was full sex from the start. That was the purpose of it for my WH. They would go for 2 weeks without talking, never went anywhere, never sent text messages. I have the evidence! She was single and wanted more but he kept her at a distance.
It was a fairly typical LTA. He threw her under the bus on day 1. The only reason we are still together has been his willingness to go NC and do the work. But the long term deception is very hard to come to terms with.
Hello, I am sorry you are here and that you are in the pain and turmoil you are in. Now I am a FWW, had a 6 year LTA with MOM. You can read my story in my profile. My BH and I are in R for a little over 3 years now.
Now I don't know your W's story, I can only speak for myself. In the 6 years that I was in my A, I was sexually intimiate with MOM a total of 12 times. During the A MOM used to joke about it to me often. Between our families schedules with his work and other cicumstances it just did not happen. I have told my BH that it was very much an emotional attachment for me. He made me feel good about myself. I am not, have never been and probably never will be a very sexual person. However for my BH this still does not make it easier for him to process. He often asks then why did I meet up with him if I didn't "want it". I have told him it was good with MOM because I could "feel how much he wanted me", but I so much more looked forward to our time alone talking in the hotel and being intimate, in more ways then sexually. Of course my BH does not get that looking from the mans POV, he often puts himself in the MOM's position. I tell him I can only speak for myself and what I was thinking. IF MOM was just looking to "get laid" as my BH says it...then he will have to go ask MOM, because my perception at the time was not that.
So is it possible that your WW is telling the truth? Yes, but that has to be around her actions. Is she being truthful, transparent and remorseful? Is she in IC? MC? Could she be minimizing to spare you the pain, or to cover her own guilt? Yes that could be the case as well.
I would have to know more about your situation etc.
Glad you posted here. Feel free to PM me or post further in the forum. I am always reading here on SI. It helps me learn so much in my journey.
RSEB, it comforts me to know that it is possible to get to a place with your AP that it's not about the sex. My WW often tells me that she did back that way off and even though she met him in public places (with my two infants in the car, which really pisses me off), she claims all those meetings which were far and few between, only involved the emotional connection.
Jemima, thank you as well and thank you both for your courage. I really hope my WW becomes empowered and as courageous as I see other waywards here on SI. So very brave. My WW has signed up for SI but had trouble getting on but will be soon. I think it will help her alot. She hated that I was educating myself here on SI at first but as she realizes her remorse and she sees it helps me, she realizes if we are going to R honestly, we need to dig in and do all we can to make this a success.
She has only had one IC and we've had 4 MCs. I've been lucky to be on my 4th IC but we all agree my WW needs a lot of work do we are trying to get her in once a week for awhile.
Again, I cannot thank you and all the support I have here at SI. It is literally a life saver being tossed out to me while I drown in this sea of confusion after being shoved overboard........ha! How's that for analogies?
I'm not very religious.....more of a spiritual guy but bless you all!
What kind of sick bastard hangs around through all that and what kind of woman keeps a straight face while exchanging vows and holding a baby on your chest (1 set of twins) all while knowing you are sharing all these personal moments with a lover while smiling at your SO?
Itís very hard to believe much of what an adulterer has to say. A normal defense mode it keep as much untold. This seems to be a natural defense mechanism. My therapist convinced me that if you have committed infidelity with not much chance your spouse will ever discover, the greatest gift you can give that person is to keep it to yourself and work as hard as you can to love that person to the best of your ability. The reason? The pain and trauma you inflict on that person is far worse than not. It would be the same exact reason your W may not want to tell you all.
So.. I my conclusion is that you are not going to know unless she feels safe enough, gives up or gets to a place where she just feels like it does not matter if you know or not.
For your standpoint, I would say look at opportunity. LTA are very much opportunity affairs. For example, if you W worked daily with OM, think most likely 6 times.. really?.. not the reality. If they were high school sweethearts and might get together a couple times a year, then maybe a couple times a year. If she travel for work to that city, then when she was in that city. If there was daily unaccounted for time.. like 2 hour lunches.. Daily or even a few times a week.. I would think 6 times is really not telling you the truth. When and where were the times they met? Sometimes, if we really think about the times and boundaries we did not have, you can come to a conclusion all on your own.
About a month after I was sent into my new reality, I asked my wife just to tell me all her affairs because for us to move forward, for her to forgive herself, she should get it off her chest. I gave her a free pass.. I was not going anywhere, I would work on the marriage, she had the opportunity to be free from all her past by just telling me now. If I found out more later, I was not sure I would be able to give her this same pardon. She confessed another A 3 years after we got married.
I just don't know. Just not happy today.
I kicked my FWH out of the house after d-day. We were S for 6 months and then because of the changes he made in himself and the fact that he was so remorseful etc. I agreed to R.
I was very happy about the R and the 'new marriage'. We went through the hysterical bonding phase etc.
And then... I fell into a dark depression. It started 1 yr after d-day.
I barely functioned. I went to work every day but when I got home I sat on the couch and channel surfed or read messages on SI.
I did not really interact at all.
At times my FWH would get me to go to a movie, or for a walk in the park but most days I would just veg.on the couch.
This was far from the woman I was before d-day. I was a dynamo. I did everything....and I mean everything in the house, for my children, etc. in addition to holding down a full time job.
The trauma that I suffered post d-day just sucked all of the energy out of me.
I was on an emotional roller coaster...feeling better one minute and then I would be back down the rabbit hole...in deep despair.
I would agree to go on vacations and then have major meltdowns as we checked into our hotel rooms.
I would be in a sad funk for the rest of the day.
There were a few times when i brought up the LTA and my FWH would not want to discuss it and I would fly into a rage and pack a bag and go and stay in a hotel.
Or stay in the spare bedroom and refuse to sleep with him.
I'm telling you this so that you have an idea of how difficult reconciliation can be and how long it takes a BS to recover.