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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 30
Nomorethankyou
♀ Member
Member # 37591
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I'm going with the first thing that popped into my mind. ...

Maybe we should make people wear a scarlet A! And not to punish and shame them, but just to give the rest of us poor souls a fighting chance to stay clear.

Eleven years is unbearable.


Me BW, 48
Him WH, 48
5 children. Girl (17), Boys (15,14,12,9)
Married 20 years, LTA 3.5-4 years
DD1 3/19/11
DD2. 10/02/11
DD3. 7/03/12 separated that night.
OW. Ugly girl.

There are no shortcuts.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: North Carolina
Nomorethankyou
♀ Member
Member # 37591
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

12 years, not 11. My mistake.


Me BW, 48
Him WH, 48
5 children. Girl (17), Boys (15,14,12,9)
Married 20 years, LTA 3.5-4 years
DD1 3/19/11
DD2. 10/02/11
DD3. 7/03/12 separated that night.
OW. Ugly girl.

There are no shortcuts.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: North Carolina
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Nomore.. my IC told me, who had been in practice for 24 years, said that my W's 9 year LTA was the longest of all the people he had seen.

The problem with infidelity is that most studies done are never the same. None I have ever seen about LTA's..

So I gave it a try.. base on some studies and common sense... Now I only took married cheating with married.. so those mental ill singles are not part of this picture.

ONS are far more common based on a LHJ study. So to make the averages work.. ONS to longer A have leap.

I kinda put your 12 year in the 4% of all affairs. Maybe about 1.7 to 2 millon people have that length or longer of an affair.

When you look at the numbers, people like you and I sure picked winning spouses. I measured pain once.. people in 2 years can have equal pain as some in 9 years.

One guy who post here a few times.. his wife had a 30 or 40 year A.

My chart I just assumed past 20 years is too rare to count or make a difference.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:18 PM, February 22nd (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Nomorethankyou
♀ Member
Member # 37591
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn. I'm afraid I am more garden variety after all. His affair was just shy of four years after all was said and done. He did give her up for a bit and then would crawl back to the easy side of the street.

I was referring to some of the other posters before me. Right when my world was blowing up, a friend had just found out that her husbnd had been involved in a pretty heavy ugh affair of about six years. And I thought, well at least I'm not married to x. But then I stopped with the very sobering realization that a spouse capable of a 2.5 year affair was just as screwed up as the six year guy.


I think according to the graph, maybe 8% are in my range. Or more like30-40 % go beyond two years. That seems high.


Me BW, 48
Him WH, 48
5 children. Girl (17), Boys (15,14,12,9)
Married 20 years, LTA 3.5-4 years
DD1 3/19/11
DD2. 10/02/11
DD3. 7/03/12 separated that night.
OW. Ugly girl.

There are no shortcuts.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: North Carolina
hisfool
♀ New Member
Member # 38506
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Tryin and I'm still here,just had major (lol) other family issues came up. I'll be waiting and watching for your info. My 'husband' is also reading this thread as I have pointed out the wisdom you seem to have about being quality. He said you were pretty deep.
I wish I could post a pic of me and one of the OW. Everybody that knows,is like WTF!! But as I said...it's about feelings,so...

m334455, Thanks for replying. I am still a nervous wreck trying to type this. Hands are shaking all over the keyboard.
I laughed when I read you ask if I could go to a retreat or something. Nope...As he made horrible decisions in his personal life,he did also with finances,so,no, I cant afford to go anywhere. I'm right here. I have family,but only 2 of my sisters know. One hasn't got an extra bedroom,and the other also has fibromyalgia and she is living her own hell,and she had to quit her job after 17 years. A while back she called me talking of committing suicide. The doctors almost put her in a mental hospital. She doesnt need me there. I think my telling her about what's happened to me triggered her,as her husband had an affair a few years ago. I'm doing the best I can with what I have to work with.
I am NOT working on the 'relationship'. I told him I worked on it for 25 years. It's his turn. And I have to see a COMPLETE difference in every way from how he has been with me and it needs to be genuine. I'm sitting and watching. I do still spill tears once in a while,but I am getting stronger every day. My mind set is better,but my nerves will NOT calm down! That causes the fibro to flare more and then it's a cycle.
My daughter just got married on Feb 2 this year. Her husband is stationed in Korea, 30 miles from the boarder of N. Korea though,so she cant be with him. I need to be strong for her,and available if she needs me.
I am working on my own health. I'm doing MUCH better than I had in the past year,as it took me that long to even post. In my profile story,I said he nearly killed me...He truly almost did. I recently read an article about it's been proven that people actually CAN die of a broken heart. I came as close as a human could and survive,so far.
Still waiting to hear from the counselor. I'm dealing the best I can minute by minute.
Thanks for the encouragement.

[This message edited by hisfool at 2:43 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)]


Me BS 43
Sad dude WH 43
1 D,20
11 year LTA
First DD: Feb 19,2012
Multiple other DDs,along with much torture.
Sept. 20 our ' marriage' anniversary -last DD,so far.
'The Farce' now at 24 years.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Midwest
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hisfool-
sending you long distance hugs!
I know how emotionally fragile you are.
I was a complete wreck after d-day.
Devastated.
My heart ached, I could not breathe.

I shook like a leaf for over one month-even after taking meds for anxiety as well as anti depressants.

Finding out about a LTA is so traumatic.

And yes- there is a real syndrome-broken heart syndrome.

It mostly affects women.

I did have have heart pain and difficulty breathing for weeks after d-day.

You need to take care of yourself and your daughter.

You are absolutely right!

You worked on the marriage for over 20 yrs.

Now it's his turn.

Detach, detach, detach...try to do whatever it takes to calm yourself.

Nurture yourself.

It doesn't have to be expensive.

I took baths to calm myself down.

Sometimes at 2 AM!

I did yoga.

I took long walks in the park.

I went to the movies and for a few hours I was able to focus on something other than the LTA.

I did go to IC and that was a life saver for me...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone,

I am sorry everyone is going through the pain they are. Please listen to all the wise souls that are here and have lived through your pain. I am sorry to say I am a FWW who had a 6 year LTA. My BH and I are a little over 3 years out from D Day.

But when you were writing of things to keep you busy and mind off of the trauma your hearts are experiencing I wanted to share an idea in case it can help someone.

My BH has to commute every day a little over an hour each way. Those times driving were very hard for him, being alone with his thoughts, even the radio wasn't a refuge because we all know where songs can take us.

So I suggested at MC that we get him some audio books for the ride. Our MC thought that was an excellent idea. I RAN to the library right away and found a book I thought he would like. Can I just tell you as much as he thought he couldn't get into it, he SO has. This was his first week and a few of the days he winds up sitting in our driveway for a few more minutes to finish a chapter. lol He is looking to get to the library himself this week to get another one, the one I got him will be over by the end of the week.

Hope everyone has a good night.


ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it is amazing what extraordinary lengths these WS have gone through to both hide and mentally justify their LTA for as long as they do. Are A's common - absolutely unfortunately, are LTA's common, they are common enough but I think it takes a unique person for someone to carry these on for as long as they have

My 18 cents. Excluding a ONS and multiple APs, all As are LTAs and the length is only due to the ability of the WS ability (or luck) to conceal the A.

In my case, my W's A stopped when I discovered the A and her choice was to either continue in the M or with the AP. She knew I would not accpet both. This seems to be true for 98% of the A stories on SI. It is rare that an A had stopped without it being discovered.

My 18 cents.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&c-
I agree.

All affairs have the potential to become LTAs. The only difference is when they are discovered or.... if one of the affair partners start to put on pressure to go to the next level and want more of a commitment.

That's when the affairs also end.

If both of the APs are OK with the 'arrangement' it can continue for a long time.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&c land update:

Friday night, W cuddles up to me and says "I do not know what to do (about continuing in the M or D)" and is foolowed by "I should not have to force it (sexual)"/

Saturday moring I remind her that it is her choice to engage fully in the M or we D. If she is undecided then she needs to work on the M, making the changes needed to make it better, and I will be fully engaged as well in working on the M, improving as her H, and improving on myself. I am moving on with my life and am not staying in this miserable state of our current M. W "okay, let's work on the M". Her voice seeed more sincere than in the past and she will need to find ways to reflect on the past, present, and future to make our M a good one.

Right now, I am in a stunned state; hurt by her overt rejection(s). Time to walk the dog.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hisfool.. I have read your post and the post of your WH. You both seem to agree on the "facts" which is a good start on being abole to move forward.

Still, it must be so painful for you. May you find your own way and peace quickly. I have learned that recovering from an LTA is a long and tortuous journey that can bring its own special insights and rewards.

Take care of yourself, take care of yourself, take care of yourself.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
hisfool
♀ New Member
Member # 38506
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal,thanks so much for your reply. I detached a few months ago. He hasn't touched me but a few times,and nothing sexual since mid August of last year. I havent attempted to reach out to him physically since then either. Its him kissing me on the head before he leaves for work or lightly touching my hand quickly while crying. At my daughters wedding ( we were both surprised she allowed him to walk her down the aisle!),he reached over and squeezed my hand. I never moved or acknowledged him at all,and after 2 seconds he moved his hand.
Thanks H&C. I truly hope all the remorse and him acting like he's woke up to real life is authentic. I wish there was some way to know,so I can move one way or the other. A few days ago,he put a keylogger on his computer and sent me the link to change the password and can check it anytime I want,without him knowing the password. So far,I've not even bothered. He is talking and pleading for me to let him in so he can take care of me now. That I've been taken advantage of and used and he wants to treat me as the person I am - the person he failed to see all these years. He says he realizes how stupid he has been,and he acts literally sick about it.
Yesterday,he fell asleep on the way home and had an accident.(His mother had to have major surgery the night before and we didn't get home until 2am. He gets up at 5:30am for work). He didn't hit anyone,but it totaled the car. He's alright,just kinda freaked out. He came in when the tow truck driver dropped off our car,and I kinda just acted casual about it. Didn't react like I used to at all when he has been hurt in any way or even almost hurt. I guess I have been so damaged,it damaged something inside that I automatically felt for him. He told me later,he got a tiny amount of what I'd been living with all these years...needing someone to care. Needing to be held,hugged and shown he was important and someone was glad to have him home and with them. Taken for granted or not acknowledged at all.
That was not an intentional thing I did...I've just been neglected and manipulated and hurt so deeply,I just didn't go to him and be sympathetic or show care. Kinda scares me. Kinda breaks my heart now,because THAT'S NOT WHO I AM! I'm the most caring,loving,concerned person you could ever want in your life,but he has killed such a part of me. I don't know if it will come back.
I have been that quality woman Tryin talks about. I was and I am who I am. It did me no good as far as he was concerned. He claims different. He says he looks back and sees all the good I was doing. How much love I have given and wonders how I did it for so long. Hell...I don't know,either...I just kept trying to be the best wife and mother I could be,even with my illness, and like I said,I put my needs after his wants. I was stupid. I've learned my lesson,though. Never again will ANYONE be before me and my well being! He will have to prove himself and continue proving himself for me to even bother with him. As much as I loved him,I'm afraid even if he becomes a quality man,will I care anymore? I've seen a completely different person in the past 2 months than ever in the past 24 years,but I have to KNOW it's authentic,and not a temporary change. And that I am truly going to be first in his life,and no other woman will come before me. That he CAN be a man worthy of me.
See,we've been going through the hardest part(at least for me) in the past year. I am getting stronger and have more faith in myself than I ever had before. I thought I was independent and strong all those years before. Now I know who I really am and what I'm made of.
I know I also have to be willing to take that step to allow him to prove it,but I'm no where ready to do that,and I'm not about to rush through anything! I've spent 24 years...I'm going to see if he continues this for a while and if not,then he is on his own. If the changes are real,they'll continue and he'll continue to grow as a decent man. If he does,then I will see if that can lead to me wanting a relationship with him- A real relationship...something we never really had before.

[This message edited by hisfool at 3:20 PM, February 24th (Sunday)]


Me BS 43
Sad dude WH 43
1 D,20
11 year LTA
First DD: Feb 19,2012
Multiple other DDs,along with much torture.
Sept. 20 our ' marriage' anniversary -last DD,so far.
'The Farce' now at 24 years.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Midwest
Smittygds
♂ Member
Member # 38132
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im having trouble with this issue regarding my WW's 14 yr LTA which I only discovered 6 years after it had ended, according to her.
She says the PA part of the A only happened 6 times within a few months. So that means 99.5% of the remainder was an EA??
I'm having a very tough time believing this. In fact, I say bull on that.
I would love to hear via open forum or privately, any thoughts on either my disillusionment or hers.
We are only 2 months from DDay and have covered a lot of ground but I am positive there is so much more I don't know and the fundamentals of our MC and her IC have not gotten to the timeline issues and the feet to the fire that my WW must deal with.

I simply can't accept that they screwed a few times and then just talked on the phone for the next 13 years through us having been married during this and having four children. What kind of sick bastard hangs around through all that and what kind of woman keeps a straight face while exchanging vows and holding a baby on your chest (1 set of twins) all while knowing you are sharing all these personal moments with a lover while smiling at your SO? Please tell me the reality that I think I already know. I think LTAs have initial and then sporadic sexual encounters and NOTHING stands in the way of that. There may be stretches of emotional contact only, but I think that does not last long as the tension ebbs and flows. I agree there comes a point that the entire LTA simply "peters out"......no pun intended, but funny nonetheless.


BS 54 Male
WS 46 Female
DDay 12/28/2012
LTA from 1993-January 2007 (14 years)

In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997

4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.

[This message edited by Smittygds at 9:06 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Las Vegas
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smitty, I think you are right sad to say.

My WH had an 18 month affair which would still be going on if I had not discovered it 12/1/12.

He said at first that it was just talk which then turned into oral sex.

No, the truth was it was full sex from the start. That was the purpose of it for my WH. They would go for 2 weeks without talking, never went anywhere, never sent text messages. I have the evidence! She was single and wanted more but he kept her at a distance.

It was a fairly typical LTA. He threw her under the bus on day 1. The only reason we are still together has been his willingness to go NC and do the work. But the long term deception is very hard to come to terms with.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smitty,

Hello, I am sorry you are here and that you are in the pain and turmoil you are in. Now I am a FWW, had a 6 year LTA with MOM. You can read my story in my profile. My BH and I are in R for a little over 3 years now.

Now I don't know your W's story, I can only speak for myself. In the 6 years that I was in my A, I was sexually intimiate with MOM a total of 12 times. During the A MOM used to joke about it to me often. Between our families schedules with his work and other cicumstances it just did not happen. I have told my BH that it was very much an emotional attachment for me. He made me feel good about myself. I am not, have never been and probably never will be a very sexual person. However for my BH this still does not make it easier for him to process. He often asks then why did I meet up with him if I didn't "want it". I have told him it was good with MOM because I could "feel how much he wanted me", but I so much more looked forward to our time alone talking in the hotel and being intimate, in more ways then sexually. Of course my BH does not get that looking from the mans POV, he often puts himself in the MOM's position. I tell him I can only speak for myself and what I was thinking. IF MOM was just looking to "get laid" as my BH says it...then he will have to go ask MOM, because my perception at the time was not that.

So is it possible that your WW is telling the truth? Yes, but that has to be around her actions. Is she being truthful, transparent and remorseful? Is she in IC? MC? Could she be minimizing to spare you the pain, or to cover her own guilt? Yes that could be the case as well.

I would have to know more about your situation etc.

Glad you posted here. Feel free to PM me or post further in the forum. I am always reading here on SI. It helps me learn so much in my journey.

RSEB


ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
Smittygds
♂ Member
Member # 38132
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks RSEB and jemima. I woke up at 130am after taking sleep MEDS which only gets me a couple hours of rest anyways. My heart has been pounding out of my chest since then. I do nothing but ponder what happened to us during those 14 years and ensuing 6 years after the "breakup". How was I so blind and how cunning was it that my WW and AP could cover up a double life so well?

RSEB, it comforts me to know that it is possible to get to a place with your AP that it's not about the sex. My WW often tells me that she did back that way off and even though she met him in public places (with my two infants in the car, which really pisses me off), she claims all those meetings which were far and few between, only involved the emotional connection.

Jemima, thank you as well and thank you both for your courage. I really hope my WW becomes empowered and as courageous as I see other waywards here on SI. So very brave. My WW has signed up for SI but had trouble getting on but will be soon. I think it will help her alot. She hated that I was educating myself here on SI at first but as she realizes her remorse and she sees it helps me, she realizes if we are going to R honestly, we need to dig in and do all we can to make this a success.

She has only had one IC and we've had 4 MCs. I've been lucky to be on my 4th IC but we all agree my WW needs a lot of work do we are trying to get her in once a week for awhile.

Again, I cannot thank you and all the support I have here at SI. It is literally a life saver being tossed out to me while I drown in this sea of confusion after being shoved overboard........ha! How's that for analogies?

I'm not very religious.....more of a spiritual guy but bless you all!


BS 54 Male
WS 46 Female
DDay 12/28/2012
LTA from 1993-January 2007 (14 years)

In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997

4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.

[This message edited by Smittygds at 9:06 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Las Vegas
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smittygds
What kind of sick bastard hangs around through all that and what kind of woman keeps a straight face while exchanging vows and holding a baby on your chest (1 set of twins) all while knowing you are sharing all these personal moments with a lover while smiling at your SO?

It is most likely she could make a vow to you while in her A because her vow didn't denote a lack of feels she had towards you.

Itís very hard to believe much of what an adulterer has to say. A normal defense mode it keep as much untold. This seems to be a natural defense mechanism. My therapist convinced me that if you have committed infidelity with not much chance your spouse will ever discover, the greatest gift you can give that person is to keep it to yourself and work as hard as you can to love that person to the best of your ability. The reason? The pain and trauma you inflict on that person is far worse than not. It would be the same exact reason your W may not want to tell you all.

So.. I my conclusion is that you are not going to know unless she feels safe enough, gives up or gets to a place where she just feels like it does not matter if you know or not.

For your standpoint, I would say look at opportunity. LTA are very much opportunity affairs. For example, if you W worked daily with OM, think most likely 6 times.. really?.. not the reality. If they were high school sweethearts and might get together a couple times a year, then maybe a couple times a year. If she travel for work to that city, then when she was in that city. If there was daily unaccounted for time.. like 2 hour lunches.. Daily or even a few times a week.. I would think 6 times is really not telling you the truth. When and where were the times they met? Sometimes, if we really think about the times and boundaries we did not have, you can come to a conclusion all on your own.

About a month after I was sent into my new reality, I asked my wife just to tell me all her affairs because for us to move forward, for her to forgive herself, she should get it off her chest. I gave her a free pass.. I was not going anywhere, I would work on the marriage, she had the opportunity to be free from all her past by just telling me now. If I found out more later, I was not sure I would be able to give her this same pardon. She confessed another A 3 years after we got married.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Smittygds
♂ Member
Member # 38132
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes trynhard, I could tell from the love letters that the A started as an EA in 93' and went PA in July of 94'. Apparently they made out a lot in the parking lot where one of my coffee bars were located. The AP had a small clothing store there and came to the bar each day for tea. When the PA began, she had lots of opportunity because I was always busy between auditions as an actor and running three businesses. I'm guessing too many PA's to count. I can reason that when we had our first child in mid March 1996, got married in 1997 while expecting number two, there was little opportunity as she stated in one of her letters to him in July of 1995, their "clandestine meetings were far and few between" , although she was planning to leave me and asked him to be patient with her. I'm guessing she made it pretty easy for him to just hang in there for so many years, hence my comment about sick bastards who hang out for table scraps. Sometimes the pain hits really hard. Changes the whole game and makes you wonder why you would stick around if not for the children who count on me to be their full time dad!


BS 54 Male
WS 46 Female
DDay 12/28/2012
LTA from 1993-January 2007 (14 years)

In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997

4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.

[This message edited by Smittygds at 9:06 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Las Vegas
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not happy. I just keep feeling it more and more. Even though my BH won't say it, I have this gut feeling that the A was a deal breaker for him, and though he is still here, he is not "here". I have tried and learned and God everything else for 3 years and it is like he is stuck in the mud. He just told me last night that he won't go to MC with me anymore. That it brings it up and up and up. Meanwhile I want us to go to MC for us and our future M, not only because of my A. We had a great weekend. Well actually we had a great Saturday morning, I could feel he was "present", but it dwindled quickly by Saturday afternoon. He keeps saying he is "good", but just a BH should trust their gut, I too have that feeling. I don't like his anger, I don't like what he did to my DD last week and he is still so stuck and all consumed, and it feels like he will continue like that.

I just don't know. Just not happy today.


ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSEB-
I'm not telling you what to do because I don't know the details as to how bad your BH's behavior is....
That's something that you will have to decide for yourself.
All I can tell you about is my own experience.

I kicked my FWH out of the house after d-day. We were S for 6 months and then because of the changes he made in himself and the fact that he was so remorseful etc. I agreed to R.

I was very happy about the R and the 'new marriage'. We went through the hysterical bonding phase etc.
And then... I fell into a dark depression. It started 1 yr after d-day.
I barely functioned. I went to work every day but when I got home I sat on the couch and channel surfed or read messages on SI.
I did not really interact at all.

At times my FWH would get me to go to a movie, or for a walk in the park but most days I would just veg.on the couch.

This was far from the woman I was before d-day. I was a dynamo. I did everything....and I mean everything in the house, for my children, etc. in addition to holding down a full time job.

The trauma that I suffered post d-day just sucked all of the energy out of me.

I was on an emotional roller coaster...feeling better one minute and then I would be back down the rabbit hole...in deep despair.

I would agree to go on vacations and then have major meltdowns as we checked into our hotel rooms.
I would be in a sad funk for the rest of the day.

There were a few times when i brought up the LTA and my FWH would not want to discuss it and I would fly into a rage and pack a bag and go and stay in a hotel.
Or stay in the spare bedroom and refuse to sleep with him.

I'm telling you this so that you have an idea of how difficult reconciliation can be and how long it takes a BS to recover.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


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