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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 30
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to change my daily routines and not have him involved, Last night I took my son to a basketball game and had a good time with him. Since my husband is out of town I probably would have just skipped it but I thought I need to get going with doing things on my own and with my kids. No more making my schedule around his, I've got to stay busy. It's an effort for me to do things without him, but if I keep at it I know it will get easier.

He calls me regulary but I'm not hanging on his every word and I'm not discussing his affair or the marriage, just day to day things.

I'm amazed at how numb I feel, is this common? I just can't put a thumb on it. It's weird to have someone you've cared about for so long hurt you in ways they should never and to feel nothing.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta, yes what you are feelign is normal. You confronted so in a way you got the large monkey off your back. You no longer have to act like you DON'T know what your WH is doing when you are around him. So yes the numb feeling is normal. It is also helping that you chose to confront right when he went out of town. The time away from him will do you some good as you get to process what has happened without dealing with him being in your face every 5 seconds trying to gaslight or lie some more. you feelign numb is likely the beginning of you starting to actually detach some since you have confronted. I would like to suggest that you go even further with this feeling and go full NC with your WH. If that isn't completely possible then 180 as hard as you can. It's ALL about you now. Keep doing the things that YOU want to do and keep building your strength and you will detach even more. The more you detach now the more energy you will get back and the stronger you will get which means more focus on your Father and your kids.

This is a tough road you are on so keep detaching doing the 180 and ignoring your WH. He is still going to try to pull you back in when he gets back so don't fall for the craziness just remember the gains you have made in this short time and keep focusing on moving forward.

YOU ARE DOING GREAT!



D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&c "I love you still. I will not stay with you in this M if you feel this way" W "I am scared; not ready to make the decision to D. Maybe we can give it a time frame" h&c "No, If you want to treat me this way then we can work out the details of the D this evening. I will arrange for the D and it will happen quickly and I will move on with my life. If you want to work on the M, identify and show appreciation for the things that have you staying in the M, then I will stay and continue to work on the M. You or I can change our mind and D at any time." W "okay, I will try"

HandC, free the caged bird and see if it wants to truly be free or just likes the idea of freedom. Either way you find out exactly where you stand in the M. Your W seems to be in a similar spot that mine was. She was on the fence and I got alot of what you are getting.

The quote above was you being firm but from what I read nothing changed. You and your W are in the exact same scenario after that discussion. You have a few good days or weeks then you cycle back into her seeming to want out but not taking action to do so. Neither of you has made a decision so IMO there is no catalyst for change. You just told her get with the program or we will D. The jailer once again tells the inmate get her act together and start acting right. She likely actually does love you and doesn't want to hurt you but for some reason she isn't doing what you need.

I believe your W wants to leave for whatever reason but is afraid or incapable of pulling the trigger on D or even S. My W was in the same situation and would have been roommates with me forever but I could not accept that. If the pattern is the same your W is going to get colder and colder towards you and drift further away. Eventually you are going to file because the M has died a slow death.

I am not sure how long you have been "quality" but I know you have been doing it for awhile. If your W is not appreciating what you are doing and not meeting your needs then keep being quality for you but stop pulling her back in when she gives you the she wants out speeches.

The next time she hits you with "you are better off without her or she loves you but she wants you to be happy" then take her up on it and file for D. Give her and yourself a dose of a different reality and see what happens. Either she gets with the program or she never was in the first place. The alternative is for you to remain in a slowly deteriorating M and you will be the one with the major resentment building because you put in so much effort for R for no payout.

No more caging the bird if she says she wants out open the door and push her out of the cage. She can go or come back but no more waffling. Just my 2 cents.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:25 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Rockbottom I don't know your story to sorry if I have missed some things or if I am off take what applies and leave the rest.

And while he'll miss me, he is so scared of missing her and the pain that will come with leaving her. His head wants R, his heart wants her in an intense, unexpainable way and it is keeping him from wanting R and pretty much makes R something that will never, ever happen.

IMO this is just a sick and demented thing to say to a BS but then again your WH is still ass deep in the FOG. To me this has some signs of fishing to see if you were going to plead for him to come back or try to convince him to leave the OW or even worse get you to let him come back home to work on the M while gaslighting while he continues to cake eat. Whether he wakes up or not unfortunately is irrelevant as he made the decision to move out. Keep focusing on you and the kids. He wanted to be out with her then let him be out with her and you focus on you and your healing. Have you seen a L yet?

Well thanks, asshole. You and your 21 year old fantasy whore can go to hell.
NC unless it's about finances or kids. They likely will be in hell shortly but why go there with them by constantly letting your WH, who is still actively in an A, drag you there with him by calling you and torturing you with stupidity like what he gave you above. Stay strong and go and file if you haven't. I wish you the best.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsflushed-

I love your posts, you are so cut and dried and logical! There is so much emotion in this crap that you can't even think straight but you always are so darned logical. You crack me up!

Your usual response to sitting on the fence is so logical and makes it sound so easy. You are right though. By confronting and getting it overwith they have to decide what they are going to do. If you don't make the confrontation the affair continues anyway so you have nothing to lose by confronting.

I am continuing with the 180, not ready to go NC yet. He is feeling it too. This morning he was pushing me to talk to him because I have just kept it to general topics. It's killing him I won't address the affair or her. I'm not asking his whereabouts or if he is seeing her. He lies anyway.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn, gotta, I missed the detail related to informing the other BS previously. I still think a phone call is in order.

H&c, how about setting up a blue pill/red pill choice like from "The Matrix.". Let her know that she has a clear choice coming up on some certain day. Present her with two envelopes, one with D papers, and one with an invitation to a vow renewal. She either signs, or accepts the invite and goes with you to a ceremony somewhere.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta,

I agree with MC Jack COMPLETELY. We are all proud of you for finally confronting your WH.

I realize you attempted contact with the OW's BH last year and he was not receptive, but I would say since this time it is either all or nothing in your M, you owe it to him to let him know. You have enough undeniable proof. He probably has little doubts in his own mind creeping in and he is afraid of the reality, but you should do the right thing. Even though he may show you anger, it is acutally his fear he is covering up...and he deserves to know what he is dealing with.

And on your side and for your M, the OW's BH knowing, will only expedite your BH snapping out of his fantasy land SO much quicker. For your own sanity, it would help you know what you are dealing with that much sooner. Once your BH gets over you "breaking his trust" and going to the other BH, you will quickly see where he stands, either with you and your M, or with her.

We're all rooting for you.


ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC, I know if it were me, I would call the betrayed spouse. But that's me. IMO, he needs to know. It will be for the good of the M. It might be different if months or years later.. who know what changes were made. I see no need to send someone into trauma, years of hurt by offering a truth from past behaviors and not knowing if that wayward person changed to be the best possible spouse. To me, that is compassion.

But I get gotta.. I like she just focuses on her mom and dad.. and kids. If she can enjoy every minute of the time left with her dad that would be most beautiful. She can basically view her man as the keeper.

I always admired poster Iwant.. She is doing what Gotta has decided to do. She picked herself off the ground and started studying to be totally independent. Her good is coming if not already arrived.

Gotta’s good is coming. For a short time, she has a battle with her mind. Her man will be around. She can be attractive by not arguing, not getting rattled… sticking to the 180. I have no doubt she still wants her M. She might get it back or might not. Not her choice, her man is making the choice.. and he had better be doing all those things ats mentions on his own… Gotta, do not reward your man with sex. He is not worthy! Her H must change and now be quality. Not so easy to do if you tell yourself you are already a quality man. He can’t be truthful to himself, how can he be that to others?

Rockbottom.. I have my HS GF as a Facebook friend. So does my W.. we both had past relationships with my x GF. I can look at those pictures today and have feelings. I do not act on those feelings. I control my feeling by my choice.. my decision. I don’t let it get to Limerence.. What does it take? As RSEB posted

I hold my M in such high regard. I won't let anyone, that includes me, sabotage and ruin what I have worked for everyday to save.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love your posts, you are so cut and dried and logical! There is so much emotion in this crap that you can't even think straight but you always are so darned logical. You crack me up!

It took me almost 2 years of hell to get to this point of "logical" thinking. I literally left SI for a year because I stuck my head in the sand and took the long way to healing including false R and everything. Luckily SI was still here and they helped me get my head on straight again so I can actaully look forward to living my life and it's not filled with dread and angst like it used to be. The hardest thing for me was understandign that my happiness is MY responsibility. Do I wish my M cold have been one that ended up in R, sure but that's not always in the cards for all of us but that doesn't mean we don't deserve and can't have wonderful fulfilling lives full of happiness afterwards. Once I turned that corner and decided to live my life again things got better and decisions weren't as hard to make. SI truly is an awesome place to help you literally survive infidelity. No one ever promised me they could save my marriage but there are some people around here that are pretty good at helping you figure out how to survive infidelity.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to share what I learned at Retrouvaille. Retrouvaille is a communication method based on listening, understand, and communicating by describing feelings. It is the 5 d’s.

Desire – Recognize the need to change
Dialogue – Sharing feelings
Discuss – Express ideas, opinions, attitudes
Decide – Compromise, decide to love
Do – Actions create change

This is a method develop centuries ago by the Catholic church. And what was most helpful to me while going through my grief was something called dialoge. It starts with a question for both to answer..

I will share my letters from me and to me from my wife.

forgiveness to our family? How Do I Feel About That? Am I willing to grant


Dear Lord, please fill me with your love, peace and understanding. Walk with me today and everyday and give me the courage and strength to be open, loving and honest. Be with Dave and our children and watch over them.

Dear Dave,

I am not pleased with so many mistakes I made in my life and I hurt beyond what I show you. When I see you hurting so much, I just want to drive away and crawl under some rock and hide. I want to run away from our family, but something inside me tells me stay. I cannot see how you can forgive me. I could not grant you forgiveness if you had done the same to me. It might be like when cancer took my uncle bro and my bad feelings for the chemical company next door. You say you have forgiven me, but I am reminded so often by things you say. This takes me back to a place I don’t want to be and I just want to drive away and crawl under that rock. I admire your strength. You are so amazing and deserve to be happy. I wish I could go back in time and change it all.

Love, T


Dear lord, Give us the courage to face adversity. I know you are for us. Protect our family.

Dear T,

I grant you forgiveness. I want my family together because you know I feel so separated when we visit my mom and dad splitting time even after they divorced. It is not what I so deeply want for DS and DD. I hurt but I can handle it. It might be like my arm cut off, I feel like an amputee, but my body is still intact. Only when you hold me, I feel like the safety net is under me while working on a high rise building. They say forgiving is a process and I hope you can see I am trying my best. Just love me and I will be ok. I can see blue sky ahead of us and our family.

Dave

Then, we read each others letters. We can talk about it. My W told me I she cannot take emotionally my wanting more details about her A. I told her I would try my best to control things I really don’t need to know.

Then we try to the best of our ability just to do it.

I am very proud of myself for not making my wife feel guilty in any way for a year now. I would not ask that question today for it might make her feel guilty..

She called me yesterday morning while on my business trip just to let me know how much she cared about me. She got off anti-depressant medications over the summer last year. I can finally see she is forgiving herself. Over 4 years.

We both changed.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:42 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate all your thoughts and comments, it's been very helpful to get me where I am today.

He is getting pretty antsy. He called me at work a little bit ago, very depressed. He can feel through the phone that things are cold between us. He is upset I won't talk to him. Why bother? I have told him my concerns before and he's always commented that he's heard that before so I threw it in his face today. I just said you've heard it all before so I'm not wasting my breath repeating it, you know how I feel and you know what you are doing is wrong. I have nothing more to say about it, it's in your court.

He started getting scared so he said maybe I was right in the card I wrote to him that we just need to end it. He said maybe after the weekend we will just end it. I said if that's what you want, we can end it. I know he's testing me trying to get a reaction out of me and I'm not giving in!

I don't think I will ever contact her husband again. My husband and his wife are so stupid, they don't cover things up very well. When he gets to the point of wanting to admit it, the evidence is everywhere if he just looks. I'm doing well not having conflicts, I hate conflict. I think I need to stay on the high road to get through this the best I can. Contacting him will only hurt my progress and right now it is about ME.

While I was typing this he called back again. He is very angry with me and is accusing me of checking out on the marriage and not really wanting it. He says he's coming home to talk to the kids and end it. The threats I hate and he knows it. This is where it gets ugly for me. I'm going to have a hard time with this part.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta..
He said maybe after the weekend we will just end it.

Then let him end it. He has been a fake for so long too afraid to be himself. He is a bully.

You are far too good of a woman to be with this man. You are handling yourself just fine!

Let him get angry.. You don't let him draw his own misery into your feelings.

Just keep it simple.. "I am not going to be in a M not being loved." PERIOD!!

"Rocky, you brought this on yourself, so be angry at yourself, not me."

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:49 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now he's complaining about the counseling. He thinks it has to do with my cold heart and attitude. He says he doesn't want any of his money going towards it. I work, too!

He's really getting ugly with me. Why can't he just lay in his bed and be happy? He has made his choices, why isn't he happy with them? Why does he have to take me down, too?


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have the patience of a saint.

My patience is gone.

When one decides they are not working at M, you give them what they want.She says YES, reward her with filling every need a being attractive.

W actually said "I do not think I can change, make it happen". It was a reluctant; very weak yes. Similar to the response she gave me after DDay1, when I asked her to commit to the M. She lied to me then (false story about an A) and carried on with her A until DDay2.

No more caging the bird if she says she wants out open the door and push her out of the cage. She can go or come back but no more waffling. Just my 2 cents.

I woke up this morning, rested, clear head (?) and spoke with my W. "If you want to be in this M, it requires major effort and changes on your part. I will continue to work on mine. The status quo is no longer acceptable. I am a better person than that. I am moving on with my life"

W texted me later this morning. Understands what I said. She is numb. Asks that we talk more tonight.

If W is not wholly enthusiastic about R, then I will make the D happen quickly as I do not think she will do the work to make the D - I may be surprised as she does most, if not all, of the planning for our kids.

I still love my W, am committed to our M, but if she is not interested then I will set her free. Tough to do but I have faced hard challenges in my life before with courage and dignity. This will be no different.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopeandchange,

I think we are married to the same people! Our spouses are pretty unresponsive to what they've done to us and continue doing to us. One of these days we will look back and wonder why we wasted as much time as we did on them. On the other hand, we know we will not have any regrets, we have done all that we can and we have done what is right. It's up to our spouses to figure out what they have before it's too late.

I think you've done all you can do. As Dr. Phil says "you have earned your way out of the marriage". I think I have too. I just don't think I am ready to take that option quite yet.

I'm sorry your are going through the hell I am. It is truly miserable. One of these days, we will get out and run!


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&c

That is all you can do... You cannot make a M work alone. It's two becoming one.. and if one wants to live life single, not much we can do about it. It boils down to both attitudes.

ATTITUDE
by: Charles Swindoll
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.

It always starts with a choice..

Honey, you can be in this marriage, which means you love by choice, you behave loving, giving, caring, and itimate and I must do the same. We both must have the attitude we will be attractive to each other. When you both do that, good feelings always follow.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Nomorethankyou
♀ Member
Member # 37591
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. This is my first time posting in the long term affair forum for which I, unfortunately, qualify. And while I have learned an immense amount by lurking, I would love it if anyone might weigh in on the mindset of those who are capable of such a lifestyle. After two false r's, I asked him to leave last July. The minute after I found his last email to her. And because it is seared into my mind.. I quote..

I dont know what all this means (op pet name)but thank you for seeing me and talking to me. I love you and can not conceive of a life without you but I know that is not visible right now. I know you need to move on but some want to (?). Later for now and have a great time in Denver. Will reconnect after. DTF LOML. wh pet name.

He met her while I was with some of the boys picking up another boy from camp in the mountains. It was a beautiful wholesome family day. He always saw the calm as moments of opportunity.

He has never admitted to a renewed relationship with her but there is evidence that it is ongoing. They worked together at two jobs He is nine years older than her and he was a partner, she had a job of substance but was in the process of separating from her husband of ten years at the time they began. She was not separated tho.. His partners (who i have known for twenty years) confronted him and he denied breezily but Basically they all agreed to part ways. None of them can quite tolerate him yet. of course a very different story was spun to me -- he winds up with another small firm, as a partner and a month later, she is hired. He starts wanting a separation but sticks around goes to mc so "I can learn to deal not to save the marriage.." I hire. Private eye, a lawyer, lived the Dobson book and then confronted when I was a step away from losing my mind. He stayed All hell then breaks lose as I find out the duration, the job loss etc... Never the whole story. He stops going into the office but three months later, they secretly start up again -- not convinced nc was ever firm. Meanwhile, the second firm and he agree to part ways. (Keeping up? two partnerships lost, followed by a year without a job, ie no income, no insurance). So on the eve of the last paycheck, where he is convinced he can get a job if he just moves out and i m begging him to stay put till we have some money (5 kids, private schools, etc) just when again it is hitting me how similar he is acting to his affair persona, i find the secret emails. They had been intensely loving and plotting for the last three month. Want him OUT. The kids all find out. I am destroyed. So many layers, so much deceit and she is up to her eyeballs in the lies and manipulation. And somehow that is ok, makes her still attractive. I digress. Then he puts it all in motion. Complete reversal Calls her in front of a couple we know to end it, calls of his lawyer, steps up counseling. Commits. I am numb. Unsure. The fighting begins. Again. That winter my first hint. Wait for it UK girl.... Linked in. Cyber hugs i called them. She kept showing up as having looked at his account. Then I find him in a lie about looking at hers. Bottom line torture ensued. So much much more but, whew I am winded..

Sooo in the separation/divorce forum somebody said that many on the LTA forum would say that the LTA did not involve love so much as habit. This does not make any sense to me. On his last night here, he told me how hard he had tried to love me and well she was just so compelling... I have had many unsolicited confirmations that she is anything but interesting , rather needy and dull.

And what kind of unmarried person stays in this set up for that amount of time? I realize these are almost JFO questions but sexual addiction and LTA really have to be the roughest roads. Are they all different or are there patterns?

Thank you for persevering! We have a very strained relationship. I have told him I can not bear to interact with someone who continues to lie to me.


Me BW, 48
Him WH, 48
5 children. Girl (17), Boys (15,14,12,9)
Married 20 years, LTA 3.5-4 years
DD1 3/19/11
DD2. 10/02/11
DD3. 7/03/12 separated that night.
OW. Ugly girl.

There are no shortcuts.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: North Carolina
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nomorethankyou:

I don't think it's 'habit'...

I think it is some strange derivative of fear that keeps these LTAs going.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And what kind of unmarried person stays in this set up for that amount of time?

Well, if you are single having an A with a married person, you are pretty unhealthy in a mental way. Who in their right mind wants to be evil?
Are they all different or are there patterns?

I’m not sure what you mean about patterns?
The LTA is always an affair of opportunity. They bring people into our lives that make it easy for us to believe.. “it’s only a friend”. We travel or they travel so it is about “that” time. They have a way to be secret and it is easy. Sometime we BS don’t have a grip on boundaries we must enforce.

First, for the men, it is always about the sex. I’m mean heck, show me a man who does not like sex, I will you a man who is not very healthy either physically or mentally. But, you think a woman is just going to give him sex? for his hot body? Not really. For a woman, it is about feeling attention. So there is an attraction from both... And once it happens a few times, you both begin to have this chemical bond in your brain with the A partner. The bond leads to friendships, emotions, attractions.. These are feelings, not love.

Since you mentioned love…

Now, I know the meaning of Love as behaviors you “do” as in a verb. Feelings are nouns. I take my meaning of love from the greatest book ever written dating back a long time. People have sense tried to re-define it as feelings. I suppose it can be combined. Love is debated.

So let’s look at an WS love to a BS during the A...

Love is patient - The WS could not communicate what he needed or took the loving steps to end the relationship before starting a new one.

love is kind. – The WS certainly is not kind.

It does not envy – The WS is greedy, be it for sex or attention.

it does not boast – I have known cheaters who bragged about the sex. A WS is basically sing their own praises.

it is not proud – A WS has self-righteousness

It does not dishonor others – A WS does not even honor themselves.

It is not self-seeking, - A WS is self seeking the attention, sex or both.

it is not easily angered – The BS sure does get angry caused by what behavior? Not to loving is it?

it keeps no record of wrongs – A WS keeps records of the wrongs! They allow the feeling to build up.. leading to giving themselves permission to have an A.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. – A WS sure does delight in the evil, knowing it while enjoying the secret relationship, you know.. those famous last word to live by, “I do”

It always protects – A WS is making things unsafe.. in many ways, diseases, feelings, etc..

always trusts – A WS sure isn’t behaving trustworthy now.

always hopes – A WS give up on the BS in many aspects, the give up on the M.

always perseveres – A WS gives up on perseverance of what is not in the best interest of the M.
Love never fails – A WS as evil as they are, if they can somehow change and start loving, it will never fail.

So, basically we all know the WS is not loving the one they married. Once any A starts, that love ends. It becomes a fallacy, a fake love... NOT love.


Now let’s look at the way they supposedly love the AP.

Love is patient – The WS is not serene. They are worried about many things.

love is kind. – The WS is not kind by trespassing on the AP vow or taking advantage of a sick single person.

It does not envy – I have a hard time believing a WS is not a bit jealous of the spouse.

it does not boast – The WS is boasting by just having this relationship.. In your face life!

it is not proud – The are proud. Proud is pompous.

It does not dishonor others- The WS and AP are dishonoring.

it is not self-seeking – Of course this love is self seeking for both.

it is not easily angered – Oh yes WS get frustrated.. at others.. they get frustration... it causes them both to be angered inside at others..

it keeps no record of wrongs – Tell that to Gotta’s recordings.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. – Hum.. WS are hiding the truth huh?

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – WS are not really protecting the AP just by the actions themselves.. imagine when the BS want to punch them out?

So I conclude.. Affairs are not really love. Not a complete love. It is conflicts with true, real, mature love in about every way.

And not having to do with any feelings. A WS can still have feelings for a BS. A WS can have feelings for an AP. It does not make it love.

They can behave in loving way.. that does not make it love..


[This message edited by trynhard at 4:14 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nomorethankyou-

My thoughts on LTAs....
The affair partners do not want to take the relationship to the next level.

They do not 'love' the AP in 'that' way.
Which way? In the way someone does when they want to make a lifetime commitment,when they are looking for a life partner.

The affair continues because neither of the affair partners is pushing for it to become more.

Typically, that's when a short term affair ends-when one of the APs begins to demand a commitment, starts making demands that the married partner leave their spouse etc.
And very often that is the end of the affair.

A LTA is often an 'arrangement' affair-where they have either a spoken or unspoken agreement as to the 'rules'.
They can have their 'fun' and maintain their marriages too.
Because ultimately they do not see their affair partner as marriage material.

That attitude is really evident in cases like m33's where her FWH's affair pre-dated her marriage!

Her husband had the chance to marry the OW but chose not to.
But..he did continue to keep her as a side dish.

What do single people get out of a LTA? well, they are usually someone that really does not want to have a real relationship. They do not want a life partner.
They like the excitement of this part time, fantasy like affair.
They do not want to give themselves fully to a real relationship. They do not want to deal with reality.
They like their arrangement-where the AP blows in and out and provides that ego boost that they need without anything real.



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


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