That's sarcasm -- but I'm in the same boat; WH's A lasted 20 years -- we'd been married 7 when it ended.
I put my hand on her lightly and say "jump". No not playful, but pissed.
W "I do not agree it was mean and I am not going to disagree with you"
h&c "what, you are not going to support me emotionally"
W "I am not getting involved"
h&c "our DD knows how to take rudeness, disrepect, and meanness to a new level"
We arrive home, W and I are alone, W is brushing the pool for an event at our house this evening for our DD.
On the way home from college day visit to my alma mater. W "you will have many things in common with most of the other students" h&c "yes, you will have lots in common" DD interrupts "I could not lower my standards by going there"
Remember, the above is in reverse order. WTF am I married when my W cannot show empathy, compassion when I have been hurt and it is not her choice to decide what has hurt me.
Just prior to DDay2, I went to my alma mater with my DS, sister, and father to wath a baseball game. A truly miserable trip as I was reeling from DDay1. I was in such emotional pain then and was glad my family left me alone (no attempt to talk) on the way home. During the game, W had called to check on the game. Post DDay2, I find out that W had been on the phone and texted OM after she spoke with me.
Yes, I am sad to say it still hurts, hurts a lot. And W will justify her treatment towards me saying "it is how I deal with things that is the problem".
When I screw up, I apologize and W replies with "yes you screwed up but thank you". When W screws up, there is no apology/
Our dog is tired of being walked - where is the wood to chop?
You are triggering.
What DD said sounded disrespectful of you, where you went to school etc.
And frankly a little snobby and elitist....
and it reminded you that your WW has been disrespectful and then your mind traveled to your WW texting the OM.
Very normal for a BS.
I still have triggering moments quite often.
A few weeks ago there was an article in the newspaper about a restaurant that FWH went to with MOW.
And then the other night we saw a play where a main character had the same name as MOW and it was repeated over and over.....
The difference is that with time the triggers will not make you as angry,will not make you as sad, and will not last as long.
WH 3 affairs. Last one (The one I caught him at) lasted 5 years. DDAy ~ 1 1/2 years ago.
Married 30 years.
Dated 7 years prior to marriage.
2 kids, 23 and 22.
In R and doing well.
So...now that I have that out of the way, currently I am dealing with extreme hatred towards the OW. She was my Son's chemistry teacher. She saw my child every school day, interacted with him. The fact she knew my Son and screwed my Husband at the same time disgusts me.
She is still teaching. That I can live with however, she is a coach for the girl's high school cross country team. The thought that this demented woman is a mentor to young girls enrages me. Girls at that age look up to a female coach. They ask advice on all things. their relationship is in a way, intimate.
I hate her. I have never know hate until this woman became known to me. I do not like the feeling but am unsure if I should act on my feelings (Inform head coach of her past) or not.
Anger stage...yes! Hate, BIG feelings.
Welcome to the tribe.
I understand your hatred for the OW.
After dday all my rage seemed to focus on OW3. (OW1 as well but not so much. OW2 was a wimpy weak depressed fool and for some reason I didn't hate her as much ). I spent hours fantasising about how I could hurt OW3. Everything from burning down her house, to keying her car or outing her to family friends colleagues etc. I didn't do any of these.
My dday was in May 2010. My fantasies continued through the first half of 2011. I was quietly waiting for the right time. I am patient and was determined to choose a time when I could do the most harm to them without hurting myself. I used to think things like "One day I will get you you bitch. Just when you are least expecting it I will destroy you". Then in about Sept 2011 OW3's XH became very ill (he recovered). Within a few weeks her son was arrested and was facing a jail term. Then in Jan 2012 this same son committed suicide. I'd like to take the high road and say I feel sorry for her. Part of me does but the bitch in me doesn't. So I try not to think about it too much.
The thing that helped me get past my urge for revenge was focusing on the fact that by staying with me, FWH had rejected his OWs. When the urge to hurt them got bad I would think about them alone and lonely in their beds at night. Thinking about him. Wishing he was with them. Crying into their pillows. I would imagine them living the rest of their lives alone. Without someone. Even if they did find a partner I would think about them suffering if he cheated on them. Or think about them comparing him unfavourably to FWH. I would also think about them wishing they had worked harder at their own Ms so they could celebrate a 30th, 40th or even 50th anniversary. I fantasised about them being miserable a lot. This took the heat out of my anger.
So many on SI say to focus your anger on the WS. I know this is right but as humans we cannot always do the logical thing. So I understand how you feel.
Try my approach honey. It worked for me. It took quite some time but eventually my rage and desire for revenge against them dissolved. Now I feel nothing but contempt for them.
[This message edited by Laura28 at 1:58 AM, February 17th (Sunday)]
In my positive world, each greeting and each goodbye I give to my W is a kiss. In my positive world I make every choice for the Good of my M. That is for the good of the M.
Let’s use this..
My BH came home from work last night. He gave me another huge hug, said he was happy to be home. He said he "hates the outside world". I think when he is not with me, it makes him think too much. It upsets him.
Your H followed the law of reciprocity on his own because this is about being a loving human.
Then he came over to me and surprised me with a little box of my favorite chocolate covered caramels from this little shop around here.
You are exactly like my wife and your M seems exactly like mine, in about every situation. I am going to tell you this.. I have had far more good things happen since I discovered the reality. You will have people tell you that nobody can never get over this. I will describe what that means to me and can mean to your H. Am I “Over it”. Yes I am over it. I am beyond it. I am in a far better place than at any other time in my life with my M. Do I think about the world and all the evil? Yes. Do I think about evils that happen in my life? Yes. But that was then and today, evil does not exists in my presents, my circle. Therefore, I am over it. I am no longer in evil.
Am I naive to think more evil will not strike me again? NO. I was naïve to think the “I do” was something to be taken granted and accept as reality.
So my message I sent to you is be positive. Only let positive people in your circle. You give people a chance to be positive because that is who you are. A “chance” means to give it some time.. months if needed. It means to make sure the negative people you know is not acceptable to you. But you communicate is such a way to keep that negative person safe, but they must know how YOU think and feel about it. Not in any anger, but cool calm and collective. Do not let your H nor any poster, friend, family member drag you into their unhappy situation. I gave you a way to change the way you conflict with others. You can follow that method or not. It is your choice. I will also share the Retrouvaille way when I have time maybe later today or so.
I just learn before the “I do” your H gave you he chased another woman. Despite what you may believe or think, this had a huge impact on how easy it was to fall for the attention, attraction of your OM. It is no different then my own behaviors when I traveled not treating my wife with enough transparency for her to not think I was cheating myself. Your H is not wanting to discuss his own failing because is a defense mechanism to protect his own fear. But that was yesterday right. Yesterday will never change. You can forgive him by never making him feel guilty about what he did. That is your choice. Your behavior.
You cannot get caught up into thinking he will not change. People change no matter they think they are not. People change. He will change if you make sure he clearly knows the consequences along to the way and you figure out and fill ever need he has so he can change to give you reciprocity.
The needs of men and woman are very similar in many ways but different degrees of each one. Sex to woman is far different need then that of a man.
95% of my BH questions ALWAYS are about the sexual aspect.
In general, the sex you gave OM is far more important to him. A betrayed woman in general is far more hurt over the other parts of attraction their H gave to that OW like the words of caring, approving, etc. These two thing are attractions.. For a woman to give a man sex, she must have certain needs filled in her mind. A man can fuck any willing woman. But usually, for him to get sex, he must fill those needs for that woman to want to give him her sex. So if a married man fails to completely fill all those needs of his W, that woman is primed to be a victim of snake charmer. Same goes for most men, given the right situation to get off, he is going to do it. I am making this a simple statement of fact, but usually A relationships have other attractions too to a lesser degree on both sides but the above is the main part of any A.
That is why adulterers usually say..Men say, it was about the sex. Women usually say it was about the attention.
It takes both Partners keenly aware of these human characteristics so they do not get caught up in harming each other which will destroy any M. For the good of the M, you don’t have close personal friends with the opposite sex. Any relationship with the opposite sex must be kept strictly business or at arms length. That is about US and what we must do. And it is up to each one of us to make sure when we get the slightest hint of any relationship beginning, it is addressed as crossing a boundary.
Let me share how to handle when your H needs to know about the sex you gave to OM.
“honey, I made a mistake. It deeply pains me that I made such a bad choice in life. I cannot change it. I am forgiving myself and that means I am not going back to that evil again, not in my mind or by discussing it with you. You can certainly understand this by YOU not taking to me about your woman you had during our living together. But I can change me today. I want you to please know the only man I want is you. You are the man I want. I want our family, I want us. I wish I could go back and change the past I cannot. What I intend to do is have the most loving, caring, giving, intimate and sexual M with only you until the day I die. I expect the same from you.”
Do you see all the steps I included in the method of conflict I posted?
You are exactly like my W. You have fears about conflict with your H. But you will have no fear if you develop into a woman who can bring on conflict is a firm, loving, caring, safe way and then see your man will give you it in reciprocity.
I have given you an ideas on how you communicate, teach with a heartfelt consequence about what is GOOD for the M, forgiving. Your choice if you want to do that or not. It worked very well on me, a man who was much like your H.
And if you can somehow ID all the needs your man is not filling, you can lead by example and maybe get reciprocity. I hoped you can make it clear to your H about how he misbehaved on V-day.
At this point, you can say something like this..
“Honey, thanks for those chocolates. That is what I love about you. I want them on V-day next year, or something special and different. This is our day to show we love each other. No matter how unimportant that day is to a man, it is important to a woman.”
You just told him.. You are going to be around for another year. SAFE. You said what he did a couple days late was what he needs to do. You taught him a woman needs V-day no matter what his belief is. If he chooses not to do it, or falls back in the not approving you.. You ramp up the pressure.
Anyway. Have a good day folks. Peace.
[This message edited by trynhard at 9:04 AM, February 17th (Sunday)]
Dday#1 was 1/8/13 (claims it was a ONS), which was less than a week after my WW and I found out she was pregnant. Dday#2 was 2/11/13, which was less than a week after our 4yr anniversary. ON Dday#2 the flood gates burst and the truth of a the LTA spilled out freely with little guidance on my end. As I said this has been going on before M and in fact OM was a "brides made" at our wedding.
WW has been in IC since Dday#1 and has been remorseful. I'll be starting IC in the coming weeks. I'm still reeling over all of this and could use some support/guidance. I've noticed most of you are in R and I hope my posting here is ok.
We are working through R, and experiencing many ups and downs. Things are slowly getting better with time and effort. Feel free to PM me at any time.
ETA: So sorry you find yourself here, CP. I remember those early days being the worst. Please be sure to take time to take care of yourself. Things WILL get better.
[This message edited by LosferWords at 2:59 PM, February 17th (Sunday)]
Big hugs to all who find themselves here in this hurt. I hope you find peace somehow.
In the life of a M, adultery is common. 1 of 3.
Look at all your friends.. 1 in 3.
Walk down a street.. 1 in 3.
I am with my extended family about 200 miles from home and am riding back with them, I expect he will find this card in the next 2 hours because he calls his ho as soon as he's jot of my sight.
I am scared of what's going to happen next. I have a feeling he is going to come unglued and fight miserably with me, he will be verbally nasty and make mean threats.
I'm sure tryn will be along soon to offer his wisdom but you need to buckle up for this next step it's going to be a hell of a ride but you can do it.
I know that card must have ripped your guts out again. I'm so sorry.
I do feel bad about his trip. He worked hard to earn it and said he was wanting to have a good time with me. I know it's more lies bit I feel bad just the same. Maybe she will leave her husband and go with him or lie to her husband and sneak along wit him. Our reservations have beenade so I don't know what he can change' oh well
When he call.. No anger, no arguments... Just keep it real simple.. should he deny, and you know he will... Do not argue or debate! DO NOT DEFEND YOURSELF! OR WHAT YOU KNOW.
Just say things like..
"Lie to yourself all you want."
"look, you seem to have made your choice. I hurt but I will handle it"
"honey, I must take care of myself, I will be OK."
“look, until you can admit the reality to yourself, I just am not going to discuss anything.”
NO SOLUTIONS right now! No working on the M right now.. You just let it sink in a bit.
If he calls.. KEEP it simple..
“H, you do what you need to be happy in life.”
“H, it is best you go seek your own happiness without any deception”
"look, we can talk about what is going be our future later.. right now, I need my own time and space."
This is not going to be a hell ride for you Gotta.. You have been knowing all along. Just keep it simple..
YOU are the PRIZE.. not him. Let him come to YOU.. admitting it, feeling shame, feeling guilt.. and if he does not? You will be blessed by being single.. so many bad feelings will be gone! Know it, believe it!
The battle is on he just called me and said I was a whore. Told me to get a divorce attorney and to never speak to him again about things that weren't factual, he said he bought the card but hasn't given it to her. I said you called her on Friday. He is pissed
Gotta, you don't have to give him any proof. You know it, he knows it.
LEt him be pissed.. it is more at himself than you.
You stay calm.. call and line up a lawyer yourself. Go get a checking acount and dump as much cash as you can in it.
He cannot lie to himself any more.. He is slapping himself right in the his own face. DO NOT GIVE HIM PROOF OR DEFEND YOUSELF! This must be your mindset right now.. STAY STONG!
He has made his choice. You will be far better soon... with him or without him.
[This message edited by trynhard at 9:49 AM, February 18th (Monday)]
So are you on the way back home or are you on the way to your extended families house 200 miles away? I wasn't clear on that. Either way no matter what stupidity comes out of his mouth just remember that HE caused all of this. Tryn's advice is good. Keep your conversation or response short and to the point. If he tries to justify and blame shift then just keep telling him marriages don't work with 3 people in them over and over.
Take care of yourself and keep posting we are here to support you!
ETA: you posted while I was typing. Get a lawyer lined up as soon as you can. Ignore the garbage he spews right now. It is NOT your FAULT. He is the one that screwed up NOT YOU! If you are out of the house then get that lawyer and go NC if you can't deal with him right now. Let him stew in him own mess for a bit. Don't reveal your sources to him, keep all of that close to the vest in case you need it down the line.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:53 AM, February 18th (Monday)]
We eliminate these people from our circle of life. This protects US and our own happiness.
[This message edited by trynhard at 9:55 AM, February 18th (Monday)]
You have no idea the panic your H is under. He may do this to YOU. YOu be the one with power.
[This message edited by trynhard at 9:58 AM, February 18th (Monday)]