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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 30
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin,

You are AMAZING, I do not know how to thank you for all your kind words of advice and takin the time on me and my BH.

I am and WILL do what you suggested. I am at work now, just wanted touch base.

In just the past two days alone, your words of "quality woman" have rung through my ears on a few occasions already. I will again be able to stand up and make MYSELF proud of who I am in all aspects. I may fall, but I will get up and try again. Thank you for helping me realize I still have my strength underneath all my shame.

I will write again when I have time. MC tonight, wish us luck.


ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSEB.. I wish you well... It is a plan.

No, I am not amazing, just passing on what I have learned over the years. What will be Amazing if your M does make it. You must now be amazing.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Sue1964
♀ Member
Member # 37057
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who's actually stayed with h after long term affair.mine 3 years n back n forth a year how do u repair so much hurt.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sue-
I did reconcile with my FWH after finding out about his 5 yr LTA. There are others on the LTA forum that have also R with their spouses.

You say there was a back and forth-meaning your WH couldn't decide between you and the OW?
That must have been very painful.
In that respect I was lucky I guess because my FWH went NC with the OW immediately after d-day and never saw her or contacted her again.
That does help in terms of reconciliation.

There are a lot of helpful people here on LTA in all stages of recovery but they are all willing to help with lots of good advice so ask away.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Sue1964
♀ Member
Member # 37057
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's actually living with her now but ringing me saying he's made mistake loves me very confusing.they have also been on holidays together.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sue,

I am the FWW in my situation. I have been in R with my BH for 3 years, I went NC IMMEDIATELY. I would suggest you do the 180 on your WH, he is doing more then cake eatting, he is living with the OW for God's sake. I couldn't imagine putting my BH through that pain.

Your BH is not in the fog, he is more then one foot out the door. You DO NOT let him come back home until he proves to you through his actions for a VERY long time that he is commited to you and your M.

RSEB


ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone just a quick update. I did say the prayer with my BH Monday night after our MC session.

The session went VERY well also. I somewhat explained my new outlook in our M. I cannot change my BH, I can only change myself. I love my BH more then anything and want to be happy WITH him. I will have a positive outlook from here on out. I will treat him ALWAYS with love and respect and I WANT the same from him.

He seemed very receptive and I am good at the moment. Now I know there will be many more rollercoaster dips for us, but I am in a good and clear path mentally now THANKS TO SI!!! You guys saved me


ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By accident last night, I found a new piece of information that now confirmed my W was involved with her OM for 9 years, not 8. On Uk’s favorite site, LinkedIn. My wife never had the courage to ever tell me exactly the length of time. In her shock, she just could look at herself as that evil. Me? When I came across the info, It brought some old thoughts questions… of wow, how can anyone be “that person” for so long. Man, I was naive. Old memories of some very memorable things we did at that time. One particular was when I converted to Catholicism. She was my sponsor! At that time I remember making this choice so my wife would be closer, my family closer, be something that gives us connection and union. It was a big deal for me and took commitment, time and it was emotional for me.

We did talk about her A and a few years ago I was mentioning that I was glad she wasn’t that woman at the time. Made kind of big deal about it. It made her very defensive. It hurt her. Yep, she was fully involved. I get to wondering how she could separate all those feelings. She is not atheist. I now know a person living this way has so many bad feelings when they are doing it.

For years my wife had sleep issues. I would roll over and say something is bothering you, what is it? Well, today I know this about people doing wrong. A person living in sin like that always has not so good thoughts. It keeps them awake. It is stress, shame, guilt with all those good feelings they have too. The result, the consequences of her own actions, today, she is addicted to Ambien. Back in the first year in my own grief, my doctor gave the that drug. He said is was addictive and take only on the nights I needed it. He warned me to be careful.

So today, those are my thoughts, no real emotions about it at all, just a few negative thoughts. So I changed my SI profile to read 9 years, not 8. A long time ago, I just conclude that people are not always loving and loyal. I must have just accepted. A good thing.

My wife took a big step this weekend. She told me she wanted to end her addiction to Ambien. I think I have lead her out of her misery. In part as I think about it was… I celebrate this next week a key victory for me. I have been able to achieve a key element when you forgive someone for now over 12 months.

If conversation ensues, say that which would set them free from guilt.

I cannot remember the last time I even mentioned her failure, her affair. We see it all the time on TV and most time I say nothing but when I do, I say, “I sure hope they both find some peace”

I guess I can say it does take three years plus to get back to some peace.

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:03 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSEB

What you did 3 years ago NC, was the right thing to do. Transparency is sooo important too. Even Today! My wife is very good at that today. Of course, she can have that all she wants.. But not with me around. lol..

Perfect timing on your prayer! Maybe next week or so you can spring the “we have a foundation” memory box on him.

Hints..
- When children were born
- first date
- Moving day at first house
- first vacation
- Husbands first job
- birthdays
- romantic day


Pictures, memorabilia, letters, cards,

Make all this the “new you” but never go overboard. Make your “build up” comments something you might already say.

“Honey, your purpose in life is to love our kids, be a teacher, be good to others, be the good man you are.” hug him tight.

“Honey, thank you for cleaning those dishes. I appreciate YOU.”

“honey, I want to make love to you tonight. I want to do this face to face and it really mean something to us both.. I want to because you are special. Will you accept?” (if not, don’t be offended! Another time will be better)

Give him a cheap flower, a small flashlite for his car, some stupid gift. “I got this because I thought of you today”

Grab his hands and rub your hand across his.. Look at him and just say.. "I wanted to just feel you"

You do that kind of stuff every 2 -3 days, You might not ever need to apply any pressure.

But there will come a time he will not behave in a nice way. That is when you spring the conflict on him with very light pressure.

so remember this... for the next few weeks... fight hard on this..

"Being loving, caring, respectful does not mean you concern yourself with whether or not other people love, care, or respect You. Read that twice."

Do you know what the law of Reciprocity says? A person responding to a positive action with another positive action, rewarding kind actions.

It is a truth about us all. You don't concern yourself because you know a healthy person will return it to you... Let others give to because you are attractive.

Good luck.

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:23 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sue-
His actions do not show a real commitment to save the marriage.
The next time he says he misses you etc. You tell him in no uncertain terms what he has to do for you to consider reconciling.
#1- Breaking it off with the OW immediately
#2- Moving away from the OW
#3- Going to IC
#4- Staying NC with the OW
#5- Total transparency with passwords, cell phone records etc. to prove his commitment to you

If he is not prepared to do this then you need to assume that there will not be any reconciliation.

You need to stay NC with him except for discussions about your divorce.


Maybe a strong 180/ tough love approach will wake your WH up but if it does not change him it will protect you from getting hurt and help you to begin your new life without him.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 8:26 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Paperwork sent to WW lawyer re court order to sell the house & a request to see the kids this holiday w/e results in her lawyers advising that they have received no further instructions from her & to send directly to her
its been 3 freaking months & I'm back to square one & I still havent seen my kids for 13 weeks. WTF so so pissed about this.
No response to mediation request; objection to child support calculation will take another 3 weeks to filter thru the system.
I keep on getting up & taking another step.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deep- what does your lawyer say about this?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read somewhere the idea of a 'split-self affair'

MC_Jack.. thanks, you nailed it!!!
"it made me feel good, it was fun, it was exciting! the thrill to receive a text"
"the kids were mean to me"
"you were going to leave me anyway"
"it was a mid life crisis"
"I was always unhappy in the M"

Yes, three kids less than two years in age between each of them. High anziety american lifestyle. Choosing the perfect school (each child in a different school). Should they move to a more challenging school or is this one best. Different summer camps, different schedules. Each child with a full slate of extra curricular activities to be planned, transported, and watched (if possible).

And h&c? The family guy involved in all of the above. The place I wanted to be - with my family. And I coached, drove, turored.. until .. I lost my central vision and no longer drove. W now had all the committments to get this child to practice, get this child home, get this child to school... And the kids - great kids - but they could be tired, hot, cranky and demanding.

So,MC_Jack, I think you nailed it.

Lately, I have been doing well. Accepting that I cannot change the past; I cannot change my W. I can change myself. I am successful, respected, and proud of who I am (my character). So tonight, DD says "Dad, since mom is away on vacation, and you do not go out or have friends, will you be home Friday so BF can come over?" Okay, so DD is a teen and meant no offense. But I really, really felt shit on. My choices: family! Enjoyed it! Still do. My choice. Not golf, not drinks with the buddies after work, not poker night on Fridays, Sports events - take the kids. So DD thinks Dad has no social life because he chooses to spend his time with his family. And W complained that I was with her too much (during her A of course).

Just needed to vent! Strange how the most insignificant things can set you back weeks. Time to take the dog for a long, long walk. Dogs are loyal.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DEEP..unbelievable. She stalls, ignores and the system rolls you!

Eventually, the system works it out but it takes too damn long. Hang in there.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Documents lodged with court today ...she cant ignore anymore


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm finding this topic very hard to follow since it is sooo long.

My husband has been in an affair for 2 years with a co-worker that lives out of state. They meet periodically in the middle.

I first found out about the affair nearly 2 years ago and he said he wanted to fix it. I never thought he would put me on the ride I've been on since. Had I known where I would be today, I would have packed his bags, bought him a ticket to her and put him on a plane straight to her. My life is such a mess and now I am a broken person without the ability to leave emotionally.

I finally have my first counseling session next week. I'm hoping to start repairing my broken heart, broken spirt, my broken everything. I am so sad and depressed at what has become my life.

He says over and over he wants to stay married and that she could never be what I am yet she is still in the background. He keeps apologizing for hurting me, on and on.

He hasn't even begun to do the things I need to make this right. How do you repair a mess like this? I don't know how you ever get over the jealousy, hurt, comparisons, etc., when there has been a LTA. I sometimes think I just can't. There have been so many lies, so many important milestones where I know he's talked to her about them. I hate knowing he's probably shared my weaknesses with her, on and on. There is so much hurt and tonight I just don;t see how you ever get past it. I am sooo hurt.

I'd like to know how some of you have made it.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gotta2know-
just jump in like you did and ask a question. Hopefully, the LTA tribe will jump in soon with advice etc.
We have the gamut here on the LTA forum. Some are divorcing, others reconciling, some are in limbo and not sure what will happen.

You are dealing with such a painful situation.

Finding out about a LTA is bad enough but realizing that it is continuing has to be so painful.

Taking care of yourself and going to IC is crucial.
This is too much to deal with on your own.
I was in IC for 4 yrs and needed meds to help me through the first year after d-day.

Have you read the articles in the healing library (yellow rectangle in upper left corner).
Also a must read book is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.
In your case a book by James Dobson- Love Must be Tough could give you some insight on how to handle a WH that is sitting on the fence.
I'm sure others will come up with other suggestions.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&c- so interesting that you bring up the issue of which parent was more involved in the day to day home life/child rearing etc.

That was me.

I would work full time and then get home and my second job of super mom would begin. Taking the children to their activities, volunteering etc.

Meanwhile, my FWH used to go to work and feel that entitled him to relax after work or to 'play' which meant going out after work for happy hour with his co-workers etc.
And eventually the 'play' included a LTA with a female drinking buddy.

At one point after d-day I met up with the MOW's BH to exchange email evidence etc. And we also talked about our marriages a bit.
I remember at one point that I said to him- I was the PTA mom, the Sunday school teacher while my FWH went out for drinks after work!
And you know what MOW's BH said?
He said that HE was the Sunday school teacher, and soccer coach, and boy scout leader etc. While his WW would go out for Happy Hour with her co-workers after work!

So... I guess this may be a pattern with the WS?
Just another example of their selfishness?

That has been one of the biggest changes in my FWH.

I credit IC and AA for helping him get sober but also helping him to change his selfish, toxic thinking.

He is a much happier person now than he ever was in the past when he engaged in so much selfish and destructive behavior.

He's figured out that the greatest happiness comes from doing for others not from being selfish.

He has become a much better husband, father, person.

I don't regret those years when my children were young.

I wouldn't switch places with him.
I enjoyed every minute and I can look back on my life with pride.
I was living a real life, and authentic life.

You should feel the same way about yourself h&c!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe.. I have posted two threads in the Reconcilliation forum seeking advice and would like your input as well.

Responsibility for the Affair
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=484678

Conflicted
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=484680

Thanks.
h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should feel the same way about yourself h&c!

njgal.. I do. Thanks!!! Though not sure my W sees it this way or ever will.

I admire my W. She did a lot! Choosing the best school, researching the best health treatment, Girl scout leader, PTA mom, volunteer and at various times in our M working at her career. She did a lot!

She is busy, says she enjoys being busy. And if I am home and am not busy, she is resentful because I do not do enough.

There has been much time during our M when the kids were in school, W did not work, and W had that time to choose what she wanted to do. Volunteer, gym, lunches, etc. I have always worked full time in a demanding job which has brought our family many benefits.

So if I relaxed for an hour between dinner and bed time while she was checking homework, I felt "entitled" because she had much more time than I to choose her activity that day.

Tsk, tsk. "entitled". I guess that is where the trouble started and I need to join the wayward forum.

Seriously, this has caused more resentment. I was by my W side every step of the way until all of our children entered school. Then she became the "mom" with the special rewards and I became the "dad" that provided for the family. Still there were many times when I was with her or the primary one taking care of our kids so she could be doing something else.

What a saga.. sigh!

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
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