Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 30
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


W made an appointment with (a new IC).

h&c

[This message edited by hopeandchange at 7:52 AM, January 4th (Friday)]


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks H&c. Fighting Back - I did have some perspective for you. My fWH said his reasons for the affair were it made him feel young to have a connection to his past, it was exciting to take a risk and it was easy. He said he did not want a divorce (I don't believe that though) and I think they do think its totally separate as long as you don't know


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW has said almost the same thing as what m33 reported above. That rationale made her particularly susceptible to this OM as they had history together 20 years ago during intense professional training. So I keep this in kind along with all the other issues.

m33: one reason my M might survive is that I confronted my 'mommy issues' during 2011. As we all can, I could go on forever. But to summarize, she is the most bitter and resentful person I know, who thrives on sucking the joy out of everything and playing the victim.
In brought her mindset into my M, took out my anger at her on my WW, and basically kept the joy out of my M because my mother was not happy. And for various reasons, I felt responsible for my mom's happinesss.

I remember 20 years ago when I told my mother that I was taking my then WW-GF on a vacation. Her response? "Must be nice." She has said those words everytime I told her about a trip with my WW for 20 years until last fall 2011 when I finally got my head out of my ass. I then engaged my marriage fully, etc. I just did not yet know about the A.



I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, January 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, MC I had a similar experience -- I was trying to repair the relationship from damage I did from untreated bipolar, etc for over 2 years and maki g little progress when I discovered the affair. It had be going on rather steadily for 20 years by the time I found out -- we'd been married seven. I suppose that made it easier for me to agree it's not about the BS


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&C-
good news. I hope the new IC gives your WW a new perspective on everything.

Remember stay strong in terms of your demands.

Amazing how the 180 wakes the WS right up.

I did the 180 without knowing what it was when I kicked my FWH out of the house and refused to speak to him for 2 months.

He had a lot of time to do a lot of soul searching.

But, actually, seemed to snap out of the fog immediately after d-day.

I am always amazed at that memory too- it was as if he just then realized what he was doing.
Its hard to describe.

But, that was how shocked and dismayed he was.

Crazy, toxic wayward thinking.

My FWH was basically 'scared straight' by the 180.

I hope your WW continues to work on herself and on your marriage.

The only way to R after a LTA is if the WS is willing to give 100% to the recovery process and to the marriage.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 10:37 AM, January 5th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal.. I am so glad that you are here and share your wisdom. It has benefitted me greatly (as I am sure it benefits many others).

41-13 Gig'em Ags!

I enjoyed watching the game with DS at home. W had made plans to attend services, go out to dinner afterwards, and join me to watch the second half. I kept W updated via text on the score.

So far, a wonderful evening. W comes home near the end of 3rd Q, gives me a kiss, says "I did not respond to your texts as I did not want to be rude (to her dinner comanion, another woman from our temple)", and quickly falls asleep on the couch.

This really bothered me. When my W and I are together and she receives a text, she immediately responds and tells me "this is how people communicate and an immediate response is required".

So before we go to sleep for the night, I bring this up and explain:
1. This hurts and shows disrespect for me twice. That she did not respond to my text. That she responds to others texts when we are out together.
2. This makes me feel that I am unimportant in her life.
W was defensive "I do not see it that way", etc and I was pissed and it showed. Still, I told W that I would not stuff my feelings down my throat, would express them to her, and I will be better tomorrow!

Remember stay strong in terms of your demands.

Today, I brought up the subject with W and told her 1) the feelings I expressed are real 2) I did not express them in an appropriate way, the way I should to build a better relationship, and I am SORRY; and 3) we need to discuss and agree on boundaries for her texting to improve upon our relationship.

W agreed and said she wants to give some thought to the boundaries and then discuss.

So njgal.. your post was both helpful and timely.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&c-
I'm glad that you spoke up about your needs.
At this point we should not accept less than a quality marriage.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - so good to hear you moving forward.

From the land of Deep - Still no car after 3 weeks - lots of walking & cycling.
DVO is officially off the table.
10 weeks since Ive seen the kids & counting.
I need to move out as MIL has interstate guests arriving in the next week.
Child Support Agency contacted me - WW has made an application - calculation is $580 a week but hold on Im paying 100% of the mortgage, household bills, her car payments - umm lets see that puts me into negative cashflow before I pay for my accommodation, food etc. What do they suggest - charge WW with rent..wtf

As I walk the streets I smile & say good morning to everyone I pass. In most cases I get a response. A simple gesture in positive living.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeandchange

You gigged’m.. I went to a game at A&M and loved the catching air thing. That and Gators was one of the best games to attend to see what they do…

So before we go to sleep for the night, I bring this up and explain:
1. This hurts and shows disrespect for me twice. That she did not respond to my text. That she responds to others texts when we are out together.
2. This makes me feel that I am unimportant in her life.
W was defensive "I do not see it that way", etc and I was pissed and it showed. Still, I told W that I would not stuff my feelings down my throat, would express them to her, and I will be better tomorrow!

I'm with njgal...You are right on for making sure she knows all the things you need. When we come across behaviors that are not acceptable, and I say what she did to you is… Inconsiderate, A quality man makes sure he does not ever accept inconsiderate behavior.

I thought I would share what my sex therapist says this all the time and this is the way it keeps you attractive. How we “say it” is so important. How we react? He says you tell your W exactly what you WANT and use something that points out her own behavior. He says you are firm, you are fair, you are calm, you are not rattled, it is said matter of fact… As I think about your situation.. it might go something like this.

The first time is light pressure.
“honey, I WANT you to text me right away when I text. (You Just told her what you want) Then you make sure as a quality man, YOU text back immediately too so you can say.. I text you when get your text and I don’t wait. I am CONSIDERATE to you to the best of my ability and I expect the same in return.(example to turn her behavior back on her) How do you feel when I wait to call you back, if I would be late, or wait to text you, this when you KNOW I get that text or know the time I am to meet you? (an implied consequence) Don’t do it again.

Then you must go about your day.. no argue, no deep discussions.. you just listen if she has something to say. You then say, “do you want to watch a movie together?” “hey, honey, I’m going to get some touch up paint and hit the walls like you wanted.” If she acts like little miss hurt princes.. So what. You don’t care.

The second time is more pressure.
The third time is heavier pressure than the last..

As I think about the old me.. See, I allowed myself to be abused by my wife. While she was in her A, I never demanded consideration. I let it happen.. all over fear and Naivety. A few times she would fight me over my saying.. Me, "why don't you call me back.. where were you after work?" She got very defensive,angry, to the point she won, and I lost. I was not quality. A quality man does not put up with that. Power is with the one who cares less. I cared less about me and my feelings when I should have care less about how she would feel while behaving bad. Can you imagine when she first started her A the war we would have had as I increased pressure? I would have dealt with her feelings years ago. The A might have happened but not for 8 years. I might not be married to her today because in that long period of time she discovered what she was looking for was not with her OM either. Back then, I just did not know how to behave when someone takes advantage of you. That was how I changed to be a better man. I am teaching this to my kids right now when the opportunities come up.

Last Friday, my wife was supposed to go to the doctor. She was sick or I thought she was sick. She text my DD to tell me she did not want to wait, so she was going to WalMart. I thought, boy do I wish I had my GPS in the car, she is getting close the Mike at work. Those thoughts of not feeling safe are still with me. Those thoughts are about me! I was ready for when she came home. But when she came home about an hour and half later, she had a boat load of groceries. She kissed me when she arrived. I felt pretty good and view it as one more step toward me feeling safe.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:11 AM, January 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deeppurple

Your wife is about to hit reality. She is likely about to understand she had better get her butt out working. I’m sure the courts will not allow you have a negative cash flow. In all negotiations, you always come in first with a high number. The agency must be a mediator of some sort? Manage your expectations. You know this is going to be ugly when you deal with a hostile woman. I know she will try her best to take advantage of me. I know she will take from the kids for her own selfish interest. I will realize it, and make sure I do my best in a calm, non-rattled way, through the courts, and accept that life is not always fair when it comes to men and divorce settlements. Take care of yourself. You must be healthy yourself so you can take care of your kids. They will place great value on you later in life. You will be the winner, not your wife. Good things will happen when you get this part of your pain, and grief over with. Your good is coming.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in to let you know that H moved out as of yesterday morning. The weekend was a bit rough. He was very quiet and didn't want to talk to me when he realized that I was determined to go through with this separation.

He begrudgingly packed his bags and referred to how inconvenient this all was for him and how it made him feel very sad. I admit I almost caved in twice. I don't know if he was consciously trying to manipulate me or not. I did say to him that if he wants to fix this, he should look at this time apart as an opportunity to do so, but he was pretty focused on himself.

He said that it would be so hard to be away from me. Can't help but think of the thousands of hours he spent away from me to be with her, and that when she asked him to spend evenings and weekends away from his family, he jumped at the chance.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 663 | Registered: Feb 2012
jtom
♂ Member
Member # 35322
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick question. How are you able to R with your W/S when you discover their involvement in a LTA, spanning years. I for one just couldnt do it. What just crushed me was, well not only was my WW sleeping with someone for years behind my back but also she was making decisions about our family( my son & me) based on her affair and treating me like crap all that time, though I know I allowed it. When I found out, reconcilation, well after all that time of being cuockold I just couldnt entertain any R.


ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"

Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: somewhere in texas
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jtom

How are you able to R with your W/S when you discover their involvement in a LTA, spanning years.

Not all of us do R. I personally don't think the rate of R vs D is any different in a LTA scenario vs any other type of A. Cheating is cheating. Whether you choose to R or not comes down to personal choice I guess. IMO it "can" and is much harder to deal with R during an LTA because it involved such a long period of sustained lying and over all shittyness. I was willing to do it because I could see that my W was broken and has a shit ton of issues so if she was willing to work on them then I was going to give R a chance. I also strongly don't want my children to grow up in seperate hosueholds and want them to have 2 loving parents in the house together. As is often the case though what I want and what reality is are not the same. I am likely headed towards D in the near future and I am okay with that. The A wasn't the dealbreaker for me, her inability to even try to fix herself was/is.

As for the OM and what they did or did not do... He ultimately became irrelevant to me. My W and I both had other sex partners before we got married. Unfortunately only one of us chose to stay faithful after marriage. The sex stuff didn't bother me as much as the betrayal I felt from my wife. I was more disapointed in how weak minded she was and how her low self esteeem and other issues drove her to do things that she didn't have too. If it wasn't the A it was spending money, or some other black hole filling activity. Shit that really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. So at the end of the day her choosing to sleep with another man was her poor choice and yeah did/does it bother me yeah but it's not the end of the world. As stated, the dealbreaker for me will be her inability to address her issues or even admit to having the issues and facing them.

Everyone makes mistakes, some are matchbox size and some are semitruck size but how you respond and go about fixing your mistake determines who you are and how you will be remembered in my mind.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jtom- its a quick question but definitely NOT a quick answer.
There are many reasons as to why couples stay married after infidelity.
About 40% do stay married.
In my case it was due to the level of remorse that my FWH expressed after d-day and his willingness to do everything that he could to save the marriage.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fightingback-
Sending you a long distance hug!
This is a difficult time but hopefully, this time apart will help you to be able to decide on what you need and what is best for you.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FightingBack -
I hope your H can find a way to be a good quality man. Your courage is fantastic. I am sure it won’t be easy these next few weeks. With each week, I am sure your feelings move toward a greater peace.

jtom-
7yrsflushed, njgal and I think mostly alike.

At first, I reconciled out of fear. My W wanted to change and really did it on her own. She just did not want to be “that woman” anymore. She could have changed with me in R, or without me. A given in life is that people are not always loyal or loving. To be human is to be broken. Since that is a given, it is all about me now. I work hard not to be the broken one because the only person I can control is.. ME.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:31 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Check this shit out. So after the counseling session on last Friday I decide to go ahead and try to talk to my Wife again. Since I detached we mostly just say hi and bye to each other with small chit chat. So I try to open things up again after encouragement from my counselor and I refuse to walk on eggshells around issues I want to discuss. (codependant need to face the fear and go through it) I tell her that I would at least like to be able to be cordial to each other since we have to deal with each other because of the kids even after S and D. We have a meeting with our financial planner coming up so I ask her if she wanted to talk with him about splitting up the brokerage accounts. She gives me a blank stare and says she doesn't know. (How the F do you not know when you have been talking about leaving for 6 months) I say I would like for us to at least figure out how to communicate with each other. So she tells me that her plan to build a house won't work since she ran up so much credit card debt she can't right now. She then asked if I would help her figure out how to get the debt down quickly. My response was NO she could talk to the financial planner for that. This was big for me, breaking codependant habits and all. I had paid off credit cards 3 times in the past for her not anymore.

This entire conversation lasted about 15 minutes and in general had a different feel from past conversations which took hours and didn't get anywhere.

Her response to all this is to be upset the next day. I push the issue since we agreed to try to talk to each other and I know she is upset and ask her what is wrong. Her response, am I having feelings for her friend. Yep, she accuses me of having feelings for her friend. A few pages back I explained that her best friend who lives 2 hours away had been helping me understand my wife a little more. Her friend had talked me off the ledge of just walking out or kicking my wife out several times. Her best friend wants us to work out and stay married. Her friend was the one that helped me recognize just how broken my wife was since my W lacks the ability to actually talk to me about stuff. Her friend helped me see that what my wife was tellign me was a front and my wife just didn't know how to cope with everything. My wife knows everytime I talk to her and I told her friend to feel free to tell my wife whatever we discuss. She says when her friend called the other day I left the room to talk with her. I actually laughed and said um yeah, when you are talking to your friends or whoever about me do you sit beside me and have the conversation, no, out of respect you have it in another room. I told her this is no different and I always come back and tell her when we talk. My wife then says it's different if I was talking to a guy and everyone she talks to abotu me are women. I literally almost yelled at her, so you want to warn me about slippery slopes of discussing stuff with the opposite sex when you did the same shit at your job that ended in a 3 year affair. Where was all this knowledge and self awareness 4 to 5 years ago?? I don't say it and let her talk. So she says that she doesn't trust anyone anymore. I ask her who does she mean her friend or me. She says she doesn't trust me because I may be out for payback. WTF again, I didn't think it at the time but I should have told her that I knew what boundaries are and respected my vows unlike her. Probably a good thing I didn't since it just would have fed the drama. Anyway I know this is all projection on her part but it still sucks. I read in other posts that after people detached and started living their own life again the WS sometimes assumed they were having an affair or trying to start one. I guess me detaching has her wondering what is going on with me. I am actually laughing about this shit this morning.

To top it off she walks out of the house this morning without her wedding band on. I ask her so you aren't wearing your wedding band anymore now? She says I didn't wear it yesterday either, I am not acting any different though.

The old attached me would have gotten mad about this entire situation especially her not wearing the wedding band but not now. I am not even going to try to figure out where she is mentally. I just don't care anymore. I can't actually kick my wife out of the hosue in my state and I am positive she feels even more trapped because she can't leave because of the financial situation SHE put herself in. So I see where this is going. i likely won't even make it to July before filing.

Do people ever learn to take responsiblity for their own fucked up actions? She put herself in this entire predicament from the A to running up the credit cards. It's obvious she is stressed about it all but she MUST maintain her image and put on the good face in public instead of just owning her shit and moving on.

In the book love must be tough they talk about detaching and making you spouse face their choices which I am doing. It also warns that your job is not to destroy what remains of the M as they go through stuff because detaching can cause resentment. The entire point of me starting the conversation with her on sunday was to avoid resentment and all it did was creat even more. Lesson Learned I guess. SIGH. Sorry for the long rant/vent.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:16 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs.

You did not really create more resentment. You just gave her a new outlet to express her resentment. I think you are in a situation where anything you say will be held against you or twisted into something to be used against you. Of course you already know this fact because you were smart enought not to say all those things you were thinking, because you did not want to feed the drama. My experience living with a drama llama is that feeding the black hole of emotion/drama is like being a dog chasing its tail. You never catch up.
Do not be surprised if her deflecting the conversations to her jealous feelings about her friend get more intense. That is a good way to change the subject and to try and manuplitate you into curtailing your insights into your WW's way of thinking. I see many BPD traits in your WW. Of course I see BPD everywhere. Sort of like when you get a new car and suddenly everywhere you look you see a car just like yours.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip- good advice as always.
And..you're right..when you become aware you realize its everywhere.
That's how I am with infidelity now. I see things/notice things that I never did before.
For ex. I can pick out couples that have most likely reconciled after infidelity....

7yrs- Detach, detach, detach.
Is the latest thing with your WW that she wants to divorce/separate etc.?
I know she goes back and forth...
So..if that's her deal or if she's on the fence and not sure if she wants the marriage then continue staying tough.
It sounds as if she is on the fence about wanting divorce and is now trying to play the damsel in distress.
The wide eyed look when you bring up splitting up assets and asking you to help her to get out of debt!
Forget about it!
That's on her!
If she wants to divorce and does not want to stay married to you then you owe her nothing.
Let her put her big girl panties on and figure things out on her own!
Or she can discuss her concerns with the financial planner. You are not her financial planner and you are not her therapist.

Her comments about the friend?
Jealousy.... she wants what she can't have..and certainly doesn't want someone else to have you.

I'm wondering if she's beginning to realize that she is losing a 'quality' man?

Don't allow her to pull you into these conversations.
You'll get sucked in to a whirlpool of craziness.

Detach and take care of yourself. And stay strong.

Let her feel the brunt of her choices...let her understand that there are consequences for her actions.

and funny... this thing with WW and debt... it seems to be a wayward wife thing.
My FWH's MOW had secretly been running up over $50,000 in credit card debt! (Her BH told me about this). What did she buy? Totally random stuff on the Home Shopping Network. In fact, her husband said there was a room full of packages in the house that she had not even opened!
So..its part of their excesses/addictions.

So sad really... they are looking everywhere for things to make them happy when it was right in front of them all along...they had a loving spouse, a family, a home....but no..that wasn't enough....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

My own experience suggests that NJ is spot on about this:

So..its part of their excesses/addictions.

WSs clearly want more than one "partner".

In many cases they appear to be looking for someone "better" than what they have. Or someone to fill the gap they see in their BS. Or simply because they wanted more than one partner.

I know several BSs on SI who have told me that their WSs loved to collect things. Always wanting more of something or a bigger and better something.

Never satisfied with what they have.

These are "glass half empty people".

I also would like some "bigger and better" stuff but sometimes you have to put what you would like on hold for good reason. Sometimes, I'd like a new dress but hey if money is short I can make do with what I have.

My FWH on the other hand is always wanting more. We started with 4 horses and ended up with 28. Each time he would "have" to buy another one because the previous purchase wasn't good enough. We have owned 3 boats (2 of which he never used), a ton of camping gear (90% of this has never been used), a camper he used 4 times and which has sat in the paddock rotting and now has to be dumped, 2 tractors which he bought within 5 years of one another (both of which now don't go and have sat unused for 4 years) dozens of show pigeons he paid a fortune for (which he never showed and has now given away). After dday he decided to get a "few" ducks. We now have hundreds and this morning he said they were becoming too much work and too expensive to feed and he was going to "cut back" to a few. This was after I put my foot down when he wanted to pay $700 for a "better" pair from a specialist breeding farm 1000 miles away.

He is just never satisfied. He wants more, bigger and better. When he gets what he wants it is not good enough.

So I guess that's the "why" of his multiple LTAs!!!

Just a Thursday morning ramble.

All OK here. I'm off to lunch with a friend.

I am almost ready to come out of lurkdom and will update you on the last few months one day soon.

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Lock This Topic is Locked
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.