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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 30
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, October 26th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years- I'm so sorry your ww has yet to address her issues. What a tough place to be after 1.5 years. I agree...R isn't possible if she refuses to help herself. I hope you successfully 180 and can focus on you for awhile. Blobette- arrrgh! I think I would have been pretty angry at my wh if he left at a point when I was that down...for any reason. And I agree with njgal, he can't stop ic. My wh has been going since June and is just now beginning to address the underlying issues that led him to choose such a destructive method of dealing with his unhappiness and dysfunction. Honestly, I need him to go to feel right about trying to R (regardless of the fact that I love him) and he wants to go...which is even more important. He knows that my biggest fear is that he doesn't do the work he needs to and we end up back in the same place 5 years later. Please don't let your wh stop ic. You do have the right to demand it, and even if he continues right now only for you, that may change if he begins to really get something out of it. And then maybe he will want to go for himself as well.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 468 | Registered: Aug 2012
manybrokenpieces
♀ Member
Member # 37055
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, October 27th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs--This is a very difficult realization, but I can see you have thought things through. Doing everything on your own to R won't do anything but bring you down. You show a considerable amount of strength in acknowleding that and working towards closure for you. It is a shame she isn't ready to face the facts and see what great things she is turning away from.

Blobette--I hope it felt better to vent! Keep up the IC. Like others have said maybe he will see the benefits for him a little further in...in MC, did you address how he can get "clued in" better? Did he completely miss the signs you were not having a good day or did he ignore them?

There is a difference in not noticing the signs & just choosing not to address them? If you didn't sort that out in MC, I would be interested to know:
Was he running from your bad, depressed day? If so, why does he feel uncomfortable being around you then? Does he feel his presence makes it worse because he is THE reminder of why you are feeling bad? My WH expressed this feeling. I had to explain that I really wanted him to hold me & be there for me during those times, not slink away.

If he is just completely clueless, maybe you could help him to see the signs or just communicate to him: "I am really having a difficult time today. It would be easier if you _________."

I know this is not easy. We expect that they should KNOW these things, but guys don't always pick up on our subtle or even not so subtle hints because they don't think the same way. If they sincerely don't know what is going on, I feel it is important that we as BS communicate our true feelings to them.

I honestly think that if I would have been better at doing that in the last several years, WH's A would have come to light far earlier. I think it still would have happened because WH makes his own choices, but when I was feeling his guilt being redirected as anger & hatefulness towards me, I never asked what was going on. I never expressed my feelings that I wasn't happy, we never had the kinds of talks we are having now...I just kept trying to not do what made him mad today tomorrow, etc.
I own that part of me that has to change & I am changing it. I do still have the thoughts of "you're kidding me!? You can't freakin' see that something is wrong here? Do I really have to spell it out?!"
But I have to remember that neither of us can read minds.


Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sue1964
♀ Member
Member # 37057
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, October 27th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My h had 3 year affair found out 11 months ago.since then life been hell he's been back n forth 12times me n same woman.
We have been in r for a month and I could not fault him,but 2 night ago I got upset he got a text of ow.last night he never came home from work found his car at hers,he was so genuine we even bought land to build house new start.
He builds me up then I come crashing down I'm so tired I've had enough.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, October 27th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Sue!
This is not anything near an attempt to reconcile. This is cake eating.
Have you tried the 180 approach?
This behavior is abuse plain and simple-not anything that anyone should live with.
James Dobson is a Christian author and totally supports marriage but in cases like this he recommends a Tough love approach-basically the 180 that is written about in the Healing Library on SI.
His book : Love Must Be Tough might be very helpful for you.
He describes how to implement the tough love approach and why it is so important to do this.
Begging and pleading for him to come back does not work and in fact is counterproductive.
He needs a huge dose of reality to wake him up!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, October 28th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning Tribe,
Thougts are with thoe bunkering down on the east coast.
ATS - today I commence that journey called divorce.Its Monday morning here in Oz so I have a clear head as to what happened yesterday. In summary WW & I a verbal arguement (probably our 6th or 7th in 18yrs of marriage). She complained about financial abuse ( $300 a week isnt enough for grocery shopping) thrw a cup of hot tea over me them called the cops. It appears that the domestic viloence laws in the state of Australia I live recently changed to include financial abuse - i pay the mortgage, groceries, her car loan, utilities, school fees everything without a contribution from her & if you remember she stole from me - end story 4 cops later & I spent last at my MIL house. I called home to check on the kids last nite the call went unanswered. I didnt even get to say goodbye to them yesterday.
Today is contacting lawyers, cancelling credit card - organising my single life.
I'm done & now I have a Domestic violence flag against my name. Didnt think things could get too much worse - @ work going thru the process of reducing workforce by 50% with forced redundnacies.

Take care Tribe.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 28th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP-
financial abuse? really?
so sorry that you have to deal with this on top of everything else...but who knows...things happen for a reason...maybe this happened to let you know that hard as it is...it's time?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, October 28th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((deeppurple))) I am so sorry! Were there marks on you from the hot tea? If so I hope they were documented. That is outrageous!

I am so sorry but I want to throat punch your WW for you!

Take care of yourself, protect yourself, show no mercy!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8982 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, October 28th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep: I'm so sorry!! Make sure you get a good lawyer. It gets me soooo mad for you. You have been staying in for the kids and putting up with a lot of crap.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dp

Wait. Maybe I should barf again.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DP)))

Tribe

I've become a lurker. Read on here several times a day but find it hard to comment.

Know that I am with you all - always. And one day I will be back.

Prayers etc needed for tomorrow. On the 30th October we celebrate our 30th wedding anni.

Shit!!!

Just want it done.

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((DP)))))

I've become a lurker too!

Hugs to all of the tribe.

I just don't have much to contribute. I'm stuck!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP - so sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are the one with the case for both physical and financial abuse. I hope the cops took note of the cup of hot tea she poured over you. Did it leave any marks or redness? I cannot believe how your situation has escalated but like NJGirl said, hopefully this has confirmed for you that the time has come to start your D.
(((((((((DP))))))))))
ETA - Laura hopefully your day will go by without too much emotional strain. I'll be thinking of you and sending hugs.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 1:07 PM, October 29th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura- I will also be sending good thoughts. I hope you get through the day without too much stress or anxiety.

Nofun-Sorry to hear that you are 'stuck'


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Magistrates court just phoned advising that WW is taking out an DVO against me & what date am I available to be in court.
Today head office mgt on site for forced redundancies.
When it rains...


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hold tight, dp. My good friend had to have child protective services in to check out his ex wife's crazy claims but in the end they all agreed the woman was a drug addled narcissist and he got full custody of the kids. Sometimes you just need to wait while they find their own rope.

I hope that woman gets what she deserves, and soon.

Laura, best thoughts for an easy anniv.

Hugs all around.
XO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP - It sounds like your MIL is very much on your side. Is this the case? You mentioned that you spent last night at her house. Hopefully she will be willing and able to counter the awful lies your STBX is using in order to get the court on her side. So, so sorry to hear this.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MIL & all of WW's family are behind me.
WW intention is to destroy me at any cost - simple as that - she is the victim in all of this.
Its our children I feel sorry for; its not their fault but their lives will be shaped by how this plays out.
I'll be pushing for mediation but I know WW wants blood.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey DP,

Sorry for what you have alreadfy had to pass through, and have yet to traverse. Maybe there is some small comfort in knowing that you are walking the right path.

I'll be pushing for mediation but I know WW wants blood.

I suggest pushing for "Scortched Earth" and accepting mediation. THe stronger your position, the better you will be able to negotiate on behalf of you and your children.

I am listening to Blue Stingrays for you this morning and hoping you survive the cuts.

Laura, thinking of you too. ((Laura28))

Hi Sue1964, so sorry you have a reason to be here, but there are great people here who can help you as they have helped me. We all understand that the WS in a LTA is different and the recovery is different too.

We have been in r for a month ...

Gently, no you haven't.

Not talking about the A, not giving you access to phones or email, not going NC; these things are not R. They are rugsweeping.

You stayed with him and tried after the trauma of dday. Now he has shown you his true self. This time work on taking care fo you.

In another post you wrote that you loved him. You loved who you thought he was, and the relationship you thought that you had with him. Now that you see him for who he truly is, maybe you can begin to detach and work on your healing. There is always the hope that our WSs will turn around and become the people that we want to be with, I still fee this. The reality though is that they are going to be who they are, and there is nothing we can do about this.

((Sue1964))

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:19 AM, October 30th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP.. Be careful. Your wife is like a wild animal back into a corner. If she has no job, no income, she is living in fear. People living in fear make mistakes.

Courts always tip to the side of a woman. Stay strong brother and donít get rattled. A few months and you will be free.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read the WS FAQ and I think my wife is compartmentalizing big time. We had been making some progress but once she started facing the real issues she clammed up and shut down. She is a runner. So now instead of having an A she seems to have compartmentalized us and the emotions she felt when trying to deal with our life. She has locked down her feelings good or bad towards me and is focusing on school, volunteering, finding a new job anything that keeps her busy and her mind off the real work that needs to be done. If this makes any sense what she says out of her mouth does not match her actions. She says she wants to leave but takes no steps to do anything about it. What she is doing is trying to hold out so she doesn't have to address her issues while hoping I will get pissed off and kick her out thus making the decision for her.

I have already decided to continue just working on me because I can't "fix her". Realizing this though has allowed me to not feed into what she is doing though.

Any advice? I already talked to a lawyer so I have a plan in place for separating if I want. I was goign to give myself until the first of the year but if I see little signs of things changing am I fooling myself or does it sometimes take WW a logn time to get there act together and I am sure they have setbacks just like the BS.

Since I started focusing solely on me she has reached out more and we have had decent conversations about us. More importantly we aren't emotionally hurting each other anymore and have actually had a decent past 2 weeks. We went to a family wedding and actually had a decent time and have had 2 discussion about feelings where we actually talked to each other without either of us leaving upset or pissed off.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

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