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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 30
stillsick
♀ New Member
Member # 37569
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure where 2.5 years is the time frame in which one feels better....I wish it was. I found out almost 15 years ago. I stayed because of money, but to this day don't believe husband is telling truth about affair...he still keeps changing his story and I really need to know the truth before I can heal? Help

Posts: 1 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: CANADA
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What other recommend is correct… Just ask and feel it. Then spit it out.. as much as you need.

You MAY or MAY NOT get answers.

If you do not get the answer, know why. Total Fear by your H. He does not want to hurt you more. He does not want you to think less of him. What he did is the opposit of attraction.. so it is hard to answer Q's that make you feel and seem ugly.

You can change your belief when you don’t get the answer. My W must have had sex with her OM 400 – 500 plus times over the 8 years. I pass 6 hotels and OM office about everyday. I so badly wanted to know which hotel they had sex. At her office too? My wife could not answer me, she would not answer me. My belief… ALL 6 Hotels. Mathematically I am right and today it just does not matter. It was all ugly, everything I imagine.. YEP they did it all. They love each other, they had a LT relationship, cared for each other, every sexual position.. YOU name it, yep, my wife did it with her OM. I believe it. It is a belief.

It does not matter what my W told me or not. I am not stupid. I can conclude. You can too.

You can ask those questions. If you get the answer, just feel the pain and spit it out to those who listen. Make sure you tell us every detail, tell you best friend. VENT them. In time, you just become Immune to the thoughts that went over and over in your mind a million times. This is grief. We all have it and last different times until you just have that belief and accept it.

peace


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Stillsick...

You stay for security. I get that. My grandma did it too. I understand completely.

But do you sacrifice love for security? Do you want to be loved? Are you being loved right now? Something missing?

talk to us girl....


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and I really need to know the truth before I can heal?

Hi stillsick,
You have the truth, at least a truth, and that is all you need to heal you.

Your H had an A - Truth
Your H is unable or unwilling to be honest with you about his A - Truth
Your H had and may still have issues with communication, conflict avoidance, and intimacy. - Truth

I picked these truths up from your 2-line post. After a 15+ year M I am sure you know more truths about your H.

Healing means processing the feelings of loss, embarrassment, anger, resentment, fear, and jealousy that come after an A betrayal. You can process those feelings with what you know now. Healing also means deciding where you want to be in life a year, 2 years, 5 years from now and taking steps to achieve those goals. Healing means deciding what kind of person you want to be, what you want to be remembered as, and working to be that person. You can do all of these things now.

There is no TRUTH that your H can tell you that will make things OK, that will rationalize what he did, that will make things better. You can heal you, and your H has to heal himself. Only then, if you want to, can the two of you work together to try to heal the M.

So in 15 years, other than concealing the details of his A, has he been a good H? Has he had anymore A’s? Does he treat you well, support you and lean on you for support? Do you think he is healed?

If the answer to these things is no, then your healing should be to explore why you are afraid. Why do you stay.

If the answer to these things is yes, then your healing is just the same. What are you still afraid of? Why have you stayed?

My IC/MC said I had the right to ask all the questions I wanted, and WW had the right to answer or not. Some painful things she answered helped me to understand and accept her A. Those answers made it easier (possible?) to stay and try to R. Other things she has not answered for fear of what I will think of her. I believe that by holding these secrets inside they eat at what she thinks of herself.

UKgirl,I read your post in General, but have no good thoughts. I am so sorry this continues for you. I can imagine if one of FWW's OM were doing this. It would be a regular picking of the scab.

Hey Tryn,
I will be travelling back from my FIL's on Saturday and miss many of the games. Now is USC beats ND, and UF beats FSU, does that rank UF higher than the loser of the SEC championship and give them a shot at the national title against Alabama or Georgia?

I had a wonderful night last night. Two years ago one of my goals was to fix and reinforce my relationship with both DSs (especially older) and stepdaughter. Both DSs were home and they are good kids and great brothers to each other. Younger stepdaughter called for a chat and catching up too.

I am having a happy thanksgiving. Rather than focus on all that has not gone right in my life, I have challenged myself to only focus on things that I can be thankful for through this weekend.

--Atsenaotie

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:43 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi friends

Someone posted this on my FB and I thought of you all - such a brave bunch of peeps

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a tough morning today. Youngest DS's birthday today. The DVO prevents me from seeing or contacting him - it hurts not being able to see my little man. Ive started keeping a diary again so that at a later stage the kids if they want can get my perspective of this chapter of our lives.

I see this sign painted on an underpass when I go to swimming everyday
"The more you think about it, the bigger it becomes" It reminds me not to dwell on the past but to focus on a better future.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP... stay the course.. Good thing are coming your way. This is only a very short time. Your cheating W will not win this.. The judge knows what is going on. Focus on your work. 2nd job.. Christmas part time job.. work hard. Good things come to good men. Be that quality man and it will come.

Peace!

ATS.. We need LSU to win. Notre Dame to lose to USC. Bama loss to Auburn. Florida to loss to Fla St.; Oregon to loss to Oregon State, Kan St loss to Tx… odds? 1 of about 10K?

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:04 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Deep). That is horrible that you can't speak to your son on his bday. A diary is a wonderful idea. I'm hoping for a little help...again. my wh posted on the wayward forum tonight. His name is scream. If anyone finds time to read it over the long weekend...id love some feedbak. Of course it is only a glimpse of the conversations we've been having...but I think you will all get the gist. I guess I'm stuck. When the whole marriage feels like a sham, where can you actually rebuild from?


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 468 | Registered: Aug 2012
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teach8, I hate being stuck too. There are lots of different things I tell myself, some of them work on some days. One thing I have to ask you is whether or not there is any hurry to resolve this? I tend to want to fix it all now, when in fact it is best for it to wait. And, it can wait. I told myself that today.

Your right - your whole marriage was a sham. But the part marriage you had was not. How big was the part you had? What kind of husband was he when you had him, when he was with you, etc.? That's what you are building on in addition to the changes he makes in himself.

Happy turkey day all,

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teach.. You want my thoughts?

My wife has talked about us getting a divorce as a way to end the false marriage we have and to see if after its still my choice to be with her. I am so torn and upset. I want her to be happy and to make the right choices for herself. I know its not what I want. But if its what she needs and she says its now over. Then that is the bed I made. I know I love my wife and my family. I have always said there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. Well I have failed terribly in a lot of ways. This time if this will give her and them some peace and happiness then its what I will do. I hate that this is how my life has turned out. I hate that this is how their lives have turned out. Its just shitty no matter what side your on. Now I'm on theirs. Please give us all the strength to do the right things for the right reasons.

I am no longer allowed to post in the wayward thread because a man once said “he wished he could know how his wife felt.” I told him to close his eyes, imagine his child running out in front of a car and the car hit your child and that child dies right in front of his eyes. That is exactly my feelings those first few months. And I could compare exactly every feeling of anger, sadness, uncertainty..

Teach.. BE WISE… You picked a weak and very poor quality man to marry. It starts with a huge character flaw of no “will power”. He has a serious inability to communicate in any effective to his wife. He lives in fear. He will never be a good partner to any woman until he changes. This event can change him. Will it? Who knows? Sometimes Teach, when you pick a partner, these people are very good at hiding. They fake themselves to achieve a goal, and then eventually be themselves. Unattractive. I would guess any need you failed to meet in the marriage was a direct result of your man’s inability to be attractive himself. If he is unattractive himself, it is natural for a woman not to be.. Attracted. Now he’s now committed the ultimate unattractiveness. His Sin will take years for the grief to end. YEARS. Now serious damage has been done. It is easier to forgive your H by him not being around. Once your fear ends Teach.. You will make a good choice. I see you are mustering up some courage.

Your H better get busy. Time is short. He must start to transform into a quality man fast. It is time for him to pull all the stops out. He had better get his ass into therapy.. Not about why he cheated.. we know that. He is not a man. He needs training on HOW TO BE A MAN.

A quality man would have identified those feelings he had toward this OW and would have not had fear to explain them to you Teach. A quality man knows attraction is always for other woman yet this man has the ability, to harness this attraction and steer to toward his W. A quality man would recognize when he is not being loved by his W, the way he needs to be loved, and in a kind way, communicates that need.

I am not sure if your H will read this post. But if he is, he must change BIG TIME. Advice.. Get books and start reading about how you can be a quality man. These books are found in Christian book stores. If he doesn’t like what I say? Then continue to be “that old man”. If he thinks he can just dump the AP and be done, think again. That change is not enough. It is within YOU.. You have a character flaw and your whole believe system needs to be changed. Change takes time. There are some underlying issues he has. He will pass these on to his own children if he does not change.

Your marriage can be better. But YOU teach will live with this scar. It will always be in your mind. Things will trigger it. Your ability to open your mind to Your H changes will be key. Your wiliness to accept that Your H changes. You changing too. To be a better higher quality woman too. You should change too because the next man you come across may be very high quality. A high quality man always knows how to find a high quality woman.


DP.. Good thing are coming your WAY!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teach-
Where do you begin to rebuild?
IMHO you need to start from scratch.
I needed a new marriage.

After I had time to rage and grieve what I had lost.... I realized that what was helping me heal was the fact that my FWH had changed so much after d-day.

He had gone to IC and AA and MC...but, mostly he had an epiphany and realized that the source of his unhappiness was 'him'.

That he needed to change his attitude in order to have a new life.

The changes in him in turn created changes in our marriage and then in me.

Slowly, over time....due to his consistent efforts...he won me over.

Hopefully your WH has had the same epiphany and is willing to put in the hard work to save the marriage and prove his love and devotion to you.

stillsick- what do you still need to know about the infidelity? is there a specific question?
have you been happy over the last 15 yrs? has your husband been a good husband?

deep- so sorry that you are not able to see your DS on his birthday.

I do believe that the judge will see what is going on and the visitation/custody situation will be resolved.

For today-why not buy a birthday card for your DS and write out your thoughts and wishes for him.
Save the card and any other letters that you may write to the children so that they can see that the separation was not what you wanted and that you were thinking about them every day.

Ukgirl- I read your post in General and I am so sorry that the OW continues to stalk and create stress and anxiety for you.
The problem is...that your FWH feels that it is important for his career to keep his profile up on linkedin.
The easiest solution would be for him to take down his profile/close his account.

But, if that is not possible-my thinking is that you may need to just put it out of your mind...ignore it.
You have tried to contact her BH in a number of different ways and anyway in the past the BH did not sound as if he was interested in anymore contact from you.
Whatever the deal is in their marriage-he's ok with it.

Contacting the OW and telling her to stop looking is counter productive.
There is nothing that you can threaten her with.
Her BH knows about the infidelity. The web site is public.
And by contacting her you are letting her know that she is still important....that she is still negatively impacting you and your marriage.
Don't give her this much power!
The best revenge is living well.
Let her think that you are having the best life!

And... maybe just think of her looking at the site the same as if she had a photograph of your FWH and kept pulling it out and looking at it...mooning over the pic like a teenager.

Just because the OW is stuck in the fantasy of the affair does not mean that your FWH is.
It's upsetting to think that she is still thinking about him and/or maybe hoping for some contact. But, think of how pathetic that makes her sound? This is not a happy woman. This is not someone that has had an epiphany and has changed the way she thinks or looks at the world.
Instead of living in the present and appreciating all that she does have. This OW is stuck in a fantasy that does not exist and never really did!

Like Tryin says- you are a quality woman. A wonderful, devoted wife, a wonderful mother,a kind, moral, honest person.
The MOW is a broken, sad, unhappy, woman.
Let her sit around and moon over something that is not real.
You are going to live your life. The best revenge is living well.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope all across the pond are having a good Thanksgiving.

Mr UKg and I are taking a long weekend. And leaving DS18 to take care of the house…..
I’ve been trying to catch up, but been stuck in the mire with this MOW/Linkedin /BH phone number thing. I think I’m done with it, at least for the time being. I have decided if she carries on and I get really pissed, I will run off all the screenshots of her lurking, stuff them all in a large envelope and send it in the post to “Mr & Mrs MOW” and be done. If that doesn’t tell her to fuck off, nothing will.

DP –
this is a tough time. Horrible and tough. Stay focused on what you want, what your end objective is and work steadily towards it. Things will pan out in the end because you are a wonderful father. Nothing can take that away. Never let your kids think otherwise. Concentrate on the good things – your ability as a father, your great kids and those who love you. You even have MIL on your side, which speaks volumes. (((((DP)))))

MC Jack

One question I have about all the questions is what am I searching for?
I suspect the answer to the question “why?” And no answer is really a satisfactory one. There will always be follow up “why” questions. When you realise there IS no answer to “why” that will sit well with you and you can simply say (and believe) that it was nothing to do with you, then you can move on in a more constructive way. It can take a long time to come to that point – there are so many questions in a LTA which, by the very nature it was a LTA, cannot be answered.

Hi stillsick, so around 1999, you found out. And you were told it was an affair of around 2.5yrs. For some reason, you haven’t come to terms with it. Your H changes his story. Mr UKg minimises to the point of lying. He lies by omission. So I have assumed they did and said it all. There were so many hotels/restaurants/rendezvous’, I doubt if he could remember them all anyway. It’s okay to stay for financial reasons, there are plenty who do. I am probably one of them. I sometimes wonder if I hadn’t had DS4 and pursued my own career of sorts and remained a SAHW&M, whether or not I would have divorced Mr UKg. Living on the breadline isn’t easy and if you have the choice, why choose poverty?
Have you had any counselling of any sort? At any time? If so, how was it? Did you take any meds? If so, do you think they may have hindered your healing? This LTA corner is a very gentle and understanding place. You are welcome here.

Teach,

You are still in early days. Yes, still. You are riding the rollercoaster, sometimes up and sometimes down in the dip. Some days you just want to get off!! We all feel like our marriages were a lie at times and it’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that the WS just kept the affair in this compartment that was so completely separate from the rest of their lives. They went into the affair box, did what they did, and came out again. I’m sure fWH would shut it off so effectively that he believed it didn’t actually impinge on the other aspects of his life or his marriage. I am sure an LTA goes on for as long as it does because the WS does NOT want to lose the huge part that means so much more – the marriage.

Just because the OW is stuck in the fantasy of the affair does not mean that your FWH is.
True. But while she dangles the bait of an open inmail, I feel as if I am constantly on guard. I know I cannot control fWH’s actions, but this knocking on the door from MOW has gone on for far too long. The main problem of trust in this issue is that I found out (once again) instead of him volunteering the information that she was lurking on his profile page. I know he lied when I confronted after finding out, he said he saw her name “last week” and that she had done it “a couple of times in the last 6 or 9 months”. When I started monitoring, I found it was two or three times a week. It leaves me feeling very insecure and I am now at the point where I will stay until DS18 has done his exams and then call it a day. I’m just tired of it all. I can’t live like this, constantly wondering if Mr UKg is telling the truth, withholding information, or minimising – I have no idea if he has been in contact with MOW because anything is possible when someone is a liar. She hasn’t been on since last Friday night. I hope she thinks I am on to her and has scuttled away again. For now.

Tryn’ I don’t get any of that gobbledygook scrambled message you sent to Ats…… Has everyone got to lose to win?

Nice pic and quote Laura. Thanks.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Thank you Jack, Tryn, Njgal and Ukgirl. I am early in the stages of R. I do realize this and try to remember to not expect too much of myself. Tryn...my wh is in IC and we are in MC. He is reading the books. He is doing the work. I am thankful for all of that. I would have been long gone by now if he wasn't. Your right...he still has a lot of work to do. And like Njgal said...I guess I need to see those changes be constant and consistent over time. UKgirl...I think that you are right...I just want a break from this damn rollercoaster. And I hope you enjoy your long weekend! I wish for you that this broken, crazy woman would leave you alone already. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday. In all of this disaster I call a life at the moment, I know I have things to be grateful for. You all are one of them.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 468 | Registered: Aug 2012
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl-
Ugh!
I was looking at it just from the perspective of the OW stalking your FWH.

I wasn't looking at it as a temptation to your FWH and I forgot about him being less than totally honest about the contact.

I was lucky in some ways.

My FWH left his job before d-day so I did not have to worry about any continued contact with the OW.

And he has limited himself to only one email account and I have total access to that-no facebook, no linkedin, etc. for him.

In fact he has turned down all overtures from any of his old toxic co-workers-so no contact with anyone from his affair days.

I hope you can enjoy your weekend away.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to drop in and say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I am most grateful for the tribe on LTA who have literally saved my life.

I have been lurking, not much time to post lately, still have evacuees staying with me from the hurricane, so can't really get on the computer.

Love to you all.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, November 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest-
great to hear from you.
Hope you had a great Thanksgiving! How kind of you to
shelter hurricane evacuees. I'm sure you have your hands full.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, November 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal's post..
That he needed to change his attitude in order to have a new life.
The changes in him in turn created changes in our marriage and then in me.
Slowly, over time....due to his consistent efforts...he won me over

Such powerful words to describe… Reconciliation.

Mr. Teach..
Your behaviors and what you say are so important. I have no idea if you read this thread.. but if you do… An adulterer’s behaviors and words deliver the message.

Heartfelt apology: “Teach.. I regret what I did. I broke my vow to you and God. It was all on me. I am deeply sorry and will never again be “that man”. The consequences of my behaviors may be I lose you. I will hurt if that happens.”

Transparency: I will never again Ms Teach hide my text, my calls, making sure Ms. Teach knows were I am at all times. I will not hide my phone, I will be open to all records and leave them out for Ms. Teach to find them on her own, I will not make the point to leave around the data to her, it will be her choice to look at them. She will know my only credit card, see the bill to assure her no hotel charges, I will leave my phone out every month open for her to make the choice to see it. Same goes for phone bill. I will never delete my email, open for her to see at any time. I will never erase my history on my browser. A man never demand trust. He lives trustworthy.

Words of affirmation: EVERDAY, in different ways, I give you Teach approval. I say it. I say it using different words. “Teach, you are a good woman for taking care of our children so well.” “Thank you”, “Your keeping a good house is why YOU are a great wife” “I will be with you forever” “My desire is.. A future story about retiring.. With YOU teach” and a million other ways to say it. I write you a note. I notice only you when we go out.

Romance: I say things to you about your smell, I tell you I want to connect with you by making love, I hold you for a few minutes, I woo you, I work on my body for you, I smile at you and tell you how I am going to ravish you, I mix things up and tell you sexy stories about you and me… I tell you how I want to feel your whole body.. I do this often not is a NEEDY way, a romantic way. I read about ways to be romantic, I do them. I always invite you to have sex with me. I never demand.

Gifts: I bring an occasion gift I know you love. I bring you a flower. I do something for you so YOU don’t have to do it.

Services; I listen when you want me to do something around the house. I do it before you ask me twice. I be aware of things that need repair, I do them before teach notices. I do my part with the kids.

A man always allows his wife to make a choice. He will never accept any behaviors that are not good for his marriage. No matter what damage he has done in the past. He accepts it when someone cannot forgive him while in his presents and understands he may need to end being around that woman when she is not forgiving. He will allow this woman to leave on her own decision, choice.

I understand I am a man. Men have attractions to other woman. A man will avoid any situation that is a flirt. They have will power. The take that energy and swing it toward Ms. Teach.

A man is a leader. He will not associate himself with other who behaves badly. He will be a leader to make him better to demonstrate by example. He is a man that believes in a higher power. He understands Ms Teach may do things different than the way he does things. He works hard to control his anger, and is kind. When he feels his wife in pain, he will act. With words, with kindness, with something.

Mr. Teach, it is your choice to describe the evil you did. You want to not give those details, don't. But you must have words of comfort when a BS wants to know.

"Teach, I am shamed. Please I don't want to go back to that place. It is hurtful. I am making a choice not to hurt you, and me." "I am so sorry, I regret, I want only you today. I cannot change my broken vow to God, to you, to my family. Know it was all bad.. I pay the price with memories dominated by hurting you, not my own selfish pleasures". I will never be that man again, even should you choose to leave me. I will be a new man, and teach my kids right and wrong so they never fail like me. I am so sorry I hurt you."

And Teach, you must be wise to see Mr Teach’s change. Be open when he is not the ideal man. Have courage to confront.

Uk.. Ats and I are in man talk. Lol.. LSU won…Now Auburn must win. Lol…

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:18 AM, November 24th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, November 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn...thank you so much. I can't stop crying...I will say he is doing all those things. I just keep watching to make sure it isn't an act so to speak. I guess I'm just still scared that he obviously could be saying and doing the right things...but is it real? I guess only time will tell...like Njgal said...he has to win me over with consistency over time. And I need to learn to accept that he's trying and not shut him out. Feels like I'm walking a tightrope. Your words are beautiful, moving, and I thank you for them. I think Mr. Teach does too.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 468 | Registered: Aug 2012
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Close of business friday my lawyer informs me that WW lawyers is requesting a mediation meeting for the division of assets. Looks like some common sense prevails - hopefully can use this to get the DVO off the table so I can see the kids before xmas. Previously when I discussed the division of assets with my lawyer I thought I would be financially destroyed. After doing some sums & checking real estate websites I'm much more confident & comfortable in being able to place a roof over my head & provide a place of stability when I have the kids. Slowly the pieces are coming together.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DP

Good to hear things are looking more positive. Prayers going up for you.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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