I don't use it exactly as he intended it in Dorian Gray. I 100% believe it but there's more to it.
It's important when confessing to allow the wronged party to express justified anger. If you're self flagellating and wallowing in the "I'm such a piece of shit" mire it robs them often of that.
We see that with BS's that post they feel they have to comfort and support their wayward's. Makes me furious. We had the balls to navigate the rough terrain of our choices. We can sack up and face our consequences without needing the injured to carry our water.
The whole quote is a perfect synopsis.
There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves we feel that no one else has a right to blame us. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
I'm a BS in the wayward forum. I can only swing spaghetti noodles!
Don't be coy with me... That spaghetti noodle was raw and you poked me in the eye with it..
The WW formerly known as messedupchick
[This message edited by sosorryididthis at 9:48 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]
what about a WW who is also refusing reconciliation? Would confession in this way help? And, would it be appropriate for the BS to ask for one, considering WW is also asking for divorce?
Me: BS 41 (full-time single dad of three girls since Aug 2010)
WW: 41 (affairs with married men; affairs with some single men; gas lighting; TT; blame shifting; BPD)
Three girls (11, 9, 5)
Separated / Div
First off, I'm very sorry about your situation and WW. I just read your first post and it horrified me. If your WW is asking for a divorce, sign those papers quickly. She is a remorseless bitch and there is no point in trying to ask for a confession. It would only be packed full of lies anyways. It sounds like you do know enough about her affairs to realize the depth of her cruelty. Please try to move on and continue to get support on this website.
It also had me thinking.. The purpose of my thread was to talk to the WS that are full of regret for their affair(s) and WANT to come clean but truly afraid it will cause them to lose everything.
This thread would fall on deaf ears if a WS is a big coward, feels comfortable to continue a lie, feels entitled to have an affair, angry and full of spite.. If somehow they snap out of that ME ME ME frame of mind, only then you could get a full and true confession.
So NO in my case I would have he stopped and focused on us..
That said the SOB kept at it and left crumbs and condoms for me to find. He's a coward and I still don't know the entire truth.
I can tell you that his A is the worst thing I have dealt with and I am a mess.
Thank you! This post is proof that it is never too late to reclaim your integrity, your decency and your honour.
You Get It! As a BS I can tell you if my fWH had posted this our painful road to reconciliation would be eased considerably. I can only hope that the thoughts and feelings that you have shared here will be echoed by him someday.
I hope your BS gets to see it.
Married 23 years - together for 29 years
DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children
"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
There are things in life that regardless of opinion are better off in the shadows. Go peruse any infidelity forum go look at any marriage that has experienced a DDay then tell me again how good it is to confess. With countless threads on "How do I trust", "Triggers 5 years later!", "I'll never trust like I once did" etc etc.
Not only is the past rewritten the whole dynamic is forever cracked and skewed. The WS feels more guilt as the BS is reeling from his/her new reality. Nothing tangibly good comes from it by all subjective measures everything about each of their lives is worse!
The principle sounds great focusing on words like authentic, real, honest, true, legitimate. The FACTS are confession brings pain, anger, shatters trust, destroys foundations, and does little to quell the guilt of the cheater. It can end a marriage immediately and cause literally years of questions for what? You mean the BS doesn't see how great it is you confessed that now you can have a real, authentic, honest, marriage? They didn't pat you on the back and say how good you did Mr/Mrs WS? No they 100% didn't, because the BS already was living a authentic, honest, and real marriage. In their mind their perceptions it was already great! We live in a world of perceptions and his/her reality was just that. Your confession just ended it forever!!
The fact is most marriages would be far better if the AFFAIR was never known about. Ignorance truly is bliss for all parties involved that would normally be affected by the affair confession.
For all of the BS's out there just imagine your life if you never knew about the affair. If you answer honestly most will say YES MY LIFE WOULD BE FAR BETTER it's really a no brainer.
Just imagine you have two columns Happy and Sad and put a check under each one as you are told each statment by your spouse:
Honey, I've been sleeping with Janet from IT for the last 3 years, I'm sorry.
Honey, I've had sex with prostitutes for a decade, I'm sorry.
Honey, I slept with the new intern Steve I don't know how it happened, I'm sorry.
Honey, remember when I've been going running every morning for the last 6 months? I've been sleeping with Steve around the corner, I'm sorry!
Of course those are simple and the reality is 100x worse, but we all answered SAD. No one would say there day is better after hearing that. That their marriage is destined to flourish after knowing that.
Those are the facts. People just hate the thought of being played, fooled, and taken advantage of so we say things like "Hell Yeah, I would want to know!!" , "Damnit they better tell me!" when in reality the bliss they lived in before was a happier place how could it not be?
When I was very active in a legalistic church we believed in owning up to transgression 100% to be saved. The young man going through his bible studies confessed he had MURDERED someone years ago. He was a ex gang member we all told him to be SAVED he has to own up to that and turn himself in. He can't continue to live that lie. We lived and breathed principle based salvation and lifestyles (no I don't believe this anymore).
After 3 months of bible study, prayer, and tears he told his family and turned himself in. Just like the cheater who nobly confesses he too confessed.
He was sentenced to 20 years!
Ask yourself do you think his life and his family's was better? What about his daughter's?
Of course the other family had vindication, but that isn't applicable to confessing a affair, so I left it out. I'm not going to say murder is okay or he did the wrong thing at all or by any means!! The point was was the life better after teh traumatic event? No it was not!!
I too don't like the thought of being played, lied to, used, pick your favorite adjective. I also have come to realize after living through tons of pain/tragedy that life would be so much better if I did not experience those things.
Affairs are part of that list!! Reality vs Principle........in reality it's better not to know.
[This message edited by suspended at 3:50 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]
The fact is most marriages would be far better if the AFFAIR was never known about.
I don't think happy/sad is a good way to determine if life is better/worse after a person finds out about an affair. The thing that actually causes life to be worse has already happened: the cheating makes life worse, not the confession. Life is already worse. Shouldn't she know what you've done to her?
Can you make that decision on your wife's behalf that she doesn't need to know? You might be thinking of it as "carrying it with you" and "living with it by yourself", but marriage is supposed to be a partnership. You cannot make decisions that huge for her about her life without her input (or rather you can, but it's one more level of abuse to do so). And since she doesn't know the whole picture, she cannot make informed choices that are healthiest for HER. She does not have the best life that she could anymore.
You blame the confession for the pain. What about the cheating itself?
BS's really want to be so completely ignorant, duped and disrespected?
If a BS doesn't want to know, I assume they entered marriage with the idea that "affairs happen" and "don't ask, don't tell".
Otherwise, it's betrayal. When you betray someone and hide it, that's going to kill the potential for intimacy in your relationship.
You're trying to contain a toxic secret, but of course it's slowly leaching into the groundwater. You swear you're protecting your BS, but you know you're both drinking poison.
Every time your spouse gives their body to you or opens their heart to you, you are forcing them to live a lie.
..it still amounts to ignorance. ignore it, avoid the truth, force the BS to keep their head in the sand, not by their choice but by yours.
..confessing forces the confessor to deal with the 'TRUTH'.. not hide behind lies.
..no doubt, there are some BS's who might say, "I'd rather have never found out." but they are simply perpetuating the betrayal, enabling spouse to continue the betrayal.
..if a father was sexually molesting his daughter, would her mother be better off not knowing the truth?
..only by confessing, would the father be forced to deal with the betrayal and forced by law and truth, to stop!
..hiding the truth, denying the truth, does not destroy the truth. Truth is our only reality. If you don't have truth, you have nothing.
..even if having it might spoil your day!!!!
The theme to your posts is that people should be allowed to live without consequences unless they are caught. Even if they kill someone. Since he wasn't caught by the police you are implying that he has wronged his family by confessing. Oh his poor family he went to jail. He wronged his family by committing murder in the first place. Actions have consequences. Period. End of story.
I was watching the Bonnie and Clyde 2 part movie the last few nights. The only way they were able to stop killing and robbing was when Clyde was jailed a few times but unfortunately it wasn't over until they were shot down. They lived the life so long, they only knew crime. There was no other way of life even though they considered stopping on their own.
Reminds me of you. You have lived the life of fantasy and infidelity so long, I know you can't stop on your own. I'm willing to bet that even if you tried to end your affair lifestyle, you will only become a dry adulterer. Not fixed or better person. Just simply stopping the cheating is never enough. A confession for you could turn your life around but I know that you are too much of a coward to do it. Your precious world of being a super dad and husband would come crashing down. A confession isn't the hurt you have caused, it's the years of infidelity and multiple women. You may stop for a year or 3.. But the broken side of you will be there lurking in darkness. Waiting to come out. Perfect moments to cheat will arise again and you will be back in it. Maybe this time you get sloppy. Who knows... I do know that you don't care to fix yourself or marriage because you are........ I won't name call since I don't want to lose my membership here. Get yourself in counselling and stop serving your poor wife chocolate ice cream with shit camouflaged in it