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User Topic: Affair Confessions - Everything to learn in 1 Post
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iíve now been on SI for over 3 months and have learned a lot about infidelity whether I liked it or not. Iíve compiled all the information that I learned about confessing Ė before and after. I wish to share in a large post that could hopefully help new members. This post is not about the steps to take after a confession, it is truly about understanding the importance of the confession. I'm a product of SI from before confession/after so this comes from a lot of wise members...

The day I joined, I was fresh out of multiple PAs and EAs. I was scared, confused, upset, disgusted, worried, angryÖ A world of emotions that are commonly felt by a WS that are in a fog and not sure whatís reality or not. The reality is that you have cheated on your spouse and what you feel would be unforgivable. This is a bloody nightmare and one that you cannot wake up from. The thought of confessing to my BH made me shake, cry hysterically, feel physically ill and hide from the world. It was the un-thinkable to confess. The thought of keeping it a secret made me feel happy and safe yet paranoid, scared, still upset and worried.

I felt safe because I knew my BH would never find out about my affairs on his own. I felt happy because he still saw the same wife that he had always had, the faithful one. I felt paranoid because it also felt like you were wearing a sign that said you cheated. I was upset and worried that I had cheated multiple times which meant I could cheat again because the pattern was already developed. I googled Ďserial cheaterí and found some ugly topics. I knew that I was heading down a path of endless destruction. I realized to myself that I serial cheated and the likelihood to cheat again was prominent.

Throughout my short time on SI, it is primarily spent in the wayward section for obvious reasons. I often see other WS pop up, make a couple posts and leave. The stories are usually the same.. They cheated, the affair is over, they hate themselves but cannot bear the consequences to confess. For that very reason is my motivation to write about confessions.

This is a controversial topic and MANY people have their own opinion on the hows, whys and shoulds of a confession. Unfortunately, I received private messages from some BSs that told me NOT to confess. That was not good advice for ME. They should keep that to themselves and not project their own issue onto someone else. If you are a WS that has not confessed, consider both sides of the coin. Weigh pros and cons, donít base your decision on what someone tells you. Make your decision and OWN it 100%. I almost let myself off the hook by the multiple PMs telling me not to confess.

I also received a load of great advice on why I needed to confess. The advice was taken to heart and I wish to share with others to pay it forward.

An Urban Legend of Confessing your Affairs
ďIt relieves guilt and is selfish to confessĒ

No it does NOT relieve guilt. It is not selfish to confess, itís actually the opposite IMHO. It is called a consequence for having an affair in the first place. The guilt lives with you every day, whether or not you confessed.

Hiding Your Affairs - Trying to Fix Yourself and/or Fixing the Marriage

This does and will not work. Do you even know where to begin on fixing yourself? In order to fix yourself, you need to dig deep into yourself and be 100% honest with yourself and your spouse. Identify the reasons you allowed yourself to cheat. Identify the triggers that allowed you as well. Read some books, attend counseling.. If you are hiding an affair, you are also going to have to attempt to hide the fixes. NOT POSSIBLE. If you demand marriage counseling, your spouse is confused. Itís cruel to put your spouse in the position of marriage counseling when you are being dishonest with everyone including the counselor. You are also going to be unsuccessful with fixing a marriage when the real problem is YOU. Own the fact you had the affair and own your consequence. You would be living a lie every minute of every day that you hide your affairs.

One more important point to remember. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Do you truly trust yourself that you would never cheat again, just because you are trying to fix yourself? My answer was no. I knew that if I hid my affairs, it left me wide open for future affairs. I considered hiding them and taking my BH to marriage counseling. It would have been a joke. I also would have kept on blaming him for my affairs and trying to fix a marriage that he didnít even know it was broken. He had NO idea that we were in this much trouble. How could he know?

Why Would I Want To Confess If I Donít Want a Divorce?

Yes it might mean divorce BUT it might also mean that you could reconcile and have a better marriage than ever before. One that is truly open, honest, loving and most of all authenticÖ Give your betrayed spouse more credit than that!!! You have NO idea how they would really act if you confess your affair(s) to them. Yes they might say they would leave ASAP if they knew you cheated. BUT you never know until they are put in that position. I knew when I confessed it could mean divorce but I prayed that it wouldnít. I finally had come to realize that my affairs had a consequence. I wanted to gain my integrity back. I wanted my husband to know the woman he was married to. Although my affairs do not make the person I am, it was a major betrayal to him and our marriage. I did everything in my power to let my husband know that I didnít want a divorce and that I loved him. To my surprise, I found out that he loved me enough to stay. I pictured being thrown out on my ass. It didnít happen. I didnít give my BH enough credit. That was a big mistake to underestimate my own husband. He hated that I cheated but so very thankful that I came clean.

How Much To Confess?

In a simple answer Ė EVERYTHING. Let your spouse lead you on how much information to give them and when they want to hear it. They will have a million questions. Answer them truthfully and as complete as you can. It is embarrassing to confess to your husband that you gave a guy you barely knew a BJ and to top it off, it was the 4th guy you had cheated with. Yes I had a laundry list to confess. My BH knows every disgusting, dirty detail of my deeds. You know what he was angry about? How I degraded myself. He was mad that I hurt myself too. Imagine that? All Iím saying, give them all the details.

Donít trickle truth (TT). It was the worst thing you can do to your BS. It keeps the wound open for longer and is harder to heal from. Tell them everything. Donít hide a previous affair or some of the acts you performed. Itís embarrassing but it is helpful for your BS to heal which should now be your top priority.

Timeline

If you have trouble remembering all the details of the hows/whens of your affair, start writing out a timeline. It might help trigger further details that can lead to timeframes as well.

My BH did not need a written timeline. I knew my dates and gave them to him verbally. He asked for every single detail about dates/times/placesÖ It is important for your BS to know so they donít have to guess and think you are still lying to them.

Evidence

Well.. this is a tricky topic. For me, I deleted every single trace or link to my affairs way before I confessed. I was a crafty bitch and knew how to cover my trail. Some BSs need to see the evidence or worse, thatís how they catch you first. With technology today, its easy to get caught because of the digital fingerprints that you leave in places you least expect. My BH asked to see my texts/pics.. I told him I deleted everything. He said ok and moved on with other types of questions.

Iím not promoting deleting because in some cases, it can really save you. Maybe workplace sexual harassment cases.. or to show the truth isnít as crazy as the BS imagines it to be. You might have to show your BS all the evidence to give them a peace of mind and help with mind movies. In your case if youíre reading it and thinking about your evidence, you should also consider your AP. Your AP might have the evidence in some creepy type of shrine and will get to your BS.. So in some cases, you will need to show your BS regardless if you want to before it gets to them by other methods.

Confessing VS Getting Caught

I believe this is truly detrimental to the reconciliation of your marriage. Again, my BH has thanked me for confessing. It has helped save a lot of devastation that can be caused by an affair. He never had to worry about me cheating or trying find evidence on me. I came to him and confessed everything. We are on a path to a great R and there is a lot of grief that I saved my BH by coming forward first.

But It Was OnlyÖA KissÖ

It was cheating. Admit it. I was the first one to sayÖ But I didnít have sex! The truth was that I was very sexually active with multiple men and seriously betrayed my husband. No, I didnít have full intercourse but itís still classified as an affair and is still cheating. Donít minimize your actions by saying, But it was only. When you are confessing, donít downplay what you did. Accept responsibility and own what you did, accept that you cheated.

Advice From BS SIers that were given to me:Ö. Will keep anonymous unless some would like me to post the authors:

Regarding Intimacy Lost During an Affair:

ďOne thing to note on the confessing vs. never telling or hoping it's never found out debate..
I didn't realize the intimacy that was being robbed from our marriage by the things we did not know. Only with the truth on the table was there any clarity about who we were and what we could be together. Yes, the possibility of it ending the marriage was always there with a d-day. But we didn't, and I can honestly say at this point we wouldn't be where we are without having torn down the whole marriage to it's foundations and building it back up. We knew something was wrong, but had no idea at the scope of itĒ

Why you Cannot Blameshift & Minimize on D-day

ďThe lies, blameshifting, and minimization on D-day and afterward did more damage than the A. The A is traumatic. It's made much, much worse when the WS is more focused on protecting himself or herself than trying to comfort and help the BS. While you should be factual about what happened- both physically and emotionally- in your As, don't ever minimize your behavior by saying "But we didn't have sex so it could have been worse" or "it was only...".

An Analogy That Has Been Shared on SI about Hiding Your Affairs

"I feel like this is a lie, albeit one that you're telling with good intentions, and that is unacceptable to me. Those kinds of lies/omissions are like not telling me that there's a smudge of dog poop in my chocolate ice cream....your intention might be that you don't want to ruin my enjoyment of the ice cream, and you know it's a really small smudge of dog poop which I'll never see or taste if you don't tell me about it.....but in reality it all comes down to the fact you are letting me eat poop and that's just not what you do to someone you love. Our relationship is the ice cream. Those women and what you did with them are the dog poop. Just because I'm looking forward to enjoying our relationship (the ice cream), and you're sorry you let dog poop get into my ice cream, and you don't want to ruin my enjoyment of the ice cream, doesn't mean that it's okay to keep secrets about the dog poop."

Now What?

If you have read this far and you are thinking about confessing but afraid. Make a phone call to a counselor. It is definitely ok to seek professional advice before you confess. It really helps speak out loud, gain support, insight, strength.. It is all positive and important you start making necessary steps to heal yourself and the marriage.

If you are a lurker on SI or only have made 1-2 posts.. Start posting. Share your story and reach out. I would not be in this place of reconciliation with my husband or healing within myself if I had not asked for help. When you start posting, sharing information about yourself, you are likely to make a friend. A friend that will help you through and stick by you. The support in real life is probably lacking so this was very important for me. I give my SI friend all the credit in the world with helping me pre/post confession and likely we are now life long buds :)

I do understand that many could debate my points and add to them. I even think I might have missed some points because wow, there is a lot to know about confessing...

[This message edited by messedupchick at 3:35 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jul 2012
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage



Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3279 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one of the best posts I've read on this forum. Thank you.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5254 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woohoo!! Gotta love the famous Hufi-pufi clapping guy

Thanks rachelc.. Just wanted to speak from my heart and express some knowledge that I have gained on SI. The advice that many provided to me was not in vain and deserves to be shared. I hope this helps those newbies and lurkers that are afraid to confess.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jul 2012
kourt090
♀ Member
Member # 34926
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome, awesome post.

You have NO idea how they would really act if you confess your affair(s) to them. Yes they might say they would leave ASAP if they knew you cheated. BUT you never know until they are put in that position.

I just wanted to say that this really stood out to me and you definitely hit the nail square on the head with this statement.

I always told FWH (on multiple occasions) that if I ever discovered that he had been unfaithful, I would leave him so fast his "head would spin". Needless to say, DDay completely blindsided me and I can remember telling a friend of mine, the morning I found out the full extend of the A, that if I discovered there was more to it than an EA, I would immediately file for D. It turns out, my FWH also had a PA with the MOW and guess what . . . I'm still here, I'm still married and I am still in love with my FWH - 8 months later. I've often asked myself why I decided to stay but I have never once asked if I made the right decision. For me, staying was the right choice. It helped that FWH was the ideal remorseful spouse who sought help for both me and him in every avenue he could find (books, counseling, marriage workshops, etc.). I hate to say that anything good came from discovering FWH's A but in the aftermath of DDay, FWH and I have had to find strength in ourselves and in our marriage, in order to heal, that I'm not sure we could have ever found had it not been for first hitting rock bottom in our marriage. We have an openness and honesty in our relationship that was not there before. We have also found a much deeper sense appreciation for one another.

messedupchick: You are absolutely right. You never know how you will react to something until you are put in that position. R has been a hard and long process but if given the chance to do this all over again, I am without a doubt that I would still choose to stay. Sometimes love really is bigger than the pain.

[This message edited by kourt090 at 6:09 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]


Kourt090

Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Utah
circlinggirl
♀ Member
Member # 37035
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this post. Your efforts are obvious and sincere, which (as Hufi-pufi illustrated) are to be applauded.


Me- BS (27)
Him- WS (32) MajorTom
Dday July 23, 2012
PA during January 2012
In R.

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings." -- Lao Tzu


Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Oregon
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Hufi-Pufi said.

Way to go, MUC. That was a really all encompassing great post and I'm sure it will really speak to the newbies (and maybe some oldies too!)

Edit: spelling.

Also, I'd like to agree/ highlight the significance of telling the BS because it is their decision to make, and despite what they have said in the past, maybe infidelity isnt a deal breaker. Who knows.

I had absolutely no clue what I was in for as I opened my mouth to confess on DDay. I was quite sure my H would leave me, as he had the right to. After all, I had told him on our second date that I'd cut his man parts off if i ever found out he cheated.

And, in the ultimate irony that is life, it turned out that he had cheated too. Obviously this is somewhat unique and I'm not saying that when a WS confesses they are gonna find out that maybe their BS cheated too. I think I might be the only one with that particlar story that I've seen on here, but it doesn't matter. What I'm saying is you have no idea how things will turn out, but it is time to let go of the outcome and start doing the right thing. I'm glad I did.

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 6:25 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
MFC2011
♀ Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto what HUFI-PUFI said.

Looks like you can talk the talk and walk the walk. I'm glad you made the decision that you did. So proud of you, muc, and wishing you and your H all the best in your future together.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great job MUC.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6291 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
jimbo25319
♂ Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo.
Fantastic post.

Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So very true. The truth never does as much damage as lies.

Betrayals, lies, secrets will white ant a relationship without anyone even realising.

The betrayals themselves hurt like hell but the lies, TT, minimising, blame shifting, gas lighting are usually what kills an M.

Without the truth intimacy is eroded, it detaches us from each other bit by bit.

Living in fear of something is often worse than the advent of what it is you fear.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
bleemoveson23
♀ Member
Member # 36523
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

::thumbs up:: awesome post!


mothertobabyE-28

"don't judge me by my past. I don't live there anymore"


Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Long Island, New York
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I grow up I want to be just like you!

I just confessed to my BH last week. (check my profile for details) There is a sense of relief that you can regain your honesty, integrity and your true self back.. It doesn't relieve your guilt (I think it's going to be important to hang onto that one for yourself) I couldn't believe how amazing my BH was when I confessed and provided the full disclosure a few days later. I gave him 100% of the remaining details when he was requesting them/asking more questions a few days later.


You posted this back in August and it and other posts from brave SIers gave me the kick in the butt I needed. You rock!


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very happy to hear that many people have read the post and feel it covered many aspects.

Let's just say, I've become an advocate for confessing. I have never regretted my decision confess to my BH although it took me a while to build up enough inner strength to do it. One of the hardest things I ever had to do in my entire life.

I definitely agree with Strongbutbroken.

The betrayals themselves hurt like hell but the lies, TT, minimising, blame shifting, gas lighting are usually what kills an M

edit:

Eeek! I've been quoted! Yes KnightsBFF I did say that in August. I still feel like that.

And no, you don't want to grow up like me lol. I'm one 'messedupchick'

[This message edited by messedupchick at 11:58 AM, October 17th (Wednesday)]


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jul 2012
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome post... you have come a loooong way since joining!


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you have come a loooong way since joining!

Noooooooo doubt!!! I thank all the kind members on SI that have tamed me down and 2x4ed the hell out of me. I put myself on SIfesupport and detoxed my way out of the fog.. Man I was a freaking mess of a person when I joined.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jul 2012
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MUC, I remember your early posts. You have come a very long way and what I find encouraging is that you seem to be always taking baby steps forward in your healing and supporting your BH.

Maybe you need to request a screen name change. "gotmyshittogetherchick" has a nice ring to it.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1742 | Registered: Nov 2010
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cdnmommy:

I remember your early posts

And I remember your early 2x4s

Maybe you need to request a screen name change. "gotmyshittogetherchick" has a nice ring to it.

If I had the ability to change my screen name, I would in a heart beat.. I don't think you're allowed to though. So then all I can say is that it represents my early days on SI.

[This message edited by messedupchick at 12:22 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jul 2012
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent post.

Paying it forward also helps you continue to heal too.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2559 | Registered: May 2010
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I remember your early 2x4s

Who me?

I'm a BS in the wayward forum. I can only swing spaghetti noodles!

(Seriously, though, I am glad to see you stuck around and did the hard work. You were worth it!)


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1742 | Registered: Nov 2010
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