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User Topic: Relapse
stillstrong
♀ Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I figured out why I relapsed a little too late. Today I was supposed to join my WH on his annual business trip. It's all expenses paid, staying at nicer hotels than we'd ever stay at, going to dinner at restaurants than we'd ever be able to afford, and going to nightclubs that we'd never be able to get into on our own. I guess this morning I was feeling that I was being punished when I had done nothing wrong. Later someone told me that I was looking at it the wrong way, that freedom wasn't free. This is the price I pay for freedom.
Anyway, I emailed WH before this revelation, told him I was having a really hard time. That the one thought that caused me the most pain, the one I can't escape and have no answer to is, "How could he? How could you have betrayed me so many times, over and over, with so many women?" and this is what he sent me back almost immediately. I know you guys will analyze it and tell me exactly what message I should get from this.

"Everyday that passes, every moment spent alone in this house, makes me ask the same questions you're asking me. And as you guessed, I still don't have the answers yet. I do love you, stillstrong, I know that's terribly hard to understand right now....but I really do. I just wish you and the kids would be home when I wake up in the morning, like this never happened. I am sorry I can't answer your questions as I am asking them myself"

He texted me later that he has skipped his IC appt yesterday because he was too depressed to talk to anyone. I told him that is when he needs help the most...that running from his emotions is a big part of what ails him... and when he can benefit the most and he said he wouldn't skip anymore.

So, I am unsatisfied by his answer but too close to the situation to decipher his words. Translation please?


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are unsatisfied with his answer because it is unsatisfactory.

It is all about him and the sad part is that I think he DOES love you. But he is broken and he is scared to *fix* himself. SS, he has been cheating on you for 10 years now, off and on. Do you really think that it is acceptable that he is *skipping* IC appts.?

He wants R without doing the work.....and you know where that will lead you, right?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7683 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
stillhere09
♀ Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I know it's hard for you to go through. Please don't hold out for false hope. I say this not because of his answer to you; I say it because of the history he has with other women.

I'm sure he is truthful; he would like to wake up in the morning and find that life can go on as if all this never happened. That's called rugsweeping, though, and, as you know, it doesn't work.

Have you checked his facebook, if he has one? What's his status? What's on his profile page? This may give you a clue as to where his head is when he isn't talking to you.

It would take 6 months to a year of being on dating terms with you before you knew how long he would truly be remorseful. Then you would be likely to experience another heartbreak. Is it worth it?

Ask yourself this: If he was truly remorseful and did everything right and there was such a thing as some magic crystal ball that told you he would never cheat again, would you really still want him? Answer that by looking at what he is, not what you wish he could become, not the illusion you had of him in the long ago past. Look at what he really is. (Only you know him; I don't.) Is this a man you would want to spend the rest of your life with?


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He isn't going to change, that's what he's saying. If he doesn't know or care to explain why, he isn't going to stop.

Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the translation is because I like to do whatever or whoever I want whenever I want but I'm honestly shocked you left. You're supposed to take care of the household do all the childcare and bring shit ... I could go on. He probably does love you to whatever extent he can love someone but it's most likely views you a bit as a surrogate mother too.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
stillstrong
♀ Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all.


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Everyday that passes, every moment spent alone in this house, makes me ask the same questions you're asking me. And as you guessed, I still don't have the answers yet. I do love you, stillstrong, I know that's terribly hard to understand right now....but I really do. I just wish you and the kids would be home when I wake up in the morning, like this never happened. I am sorry I can't answer your questions as I am asking them myself"

As a fWS I can tell you that the first part makes real sense to me. 6 plus years later I still couldn’t tell you why I ONS on my XH.

I can tell you that I was really unhappy, and that because I didn’t know how to properly communicate my unhappiness, I got angry at Xh because he couldn’t ‘read my mind’ to tell how unhappy I was. And because he couldn’t tell, then I got even angrier when he never tried to make me feel better or improve the relationship.

From there it was a load of crap about how ‘I deserve this (the ONS), XH never tried (when in reality I never gave him a chance to try) and that I am still a beautiful nice woman that any man would want. “ I just had to prove it by having an ONS – rather than sit my XH down and explain to him what was going on.

Bottom line is that that he doesn’t know, because he still can’t seem to take responsibility for his own actions and his inability to have an open honest relationship with you.

The last part of the statement is where I would tell you to hold on a minute. “Like it never happened” This is where he is right now – which is more then likely why he is not doing the soul searching that is required to take responsibility for his actions.

You need to tell him that you and the kids might bet here, but there is NEVER going to be a ‘like this never happened” because it did, and it will always be there, and no matter how great you might get, there will be a scar. Its up to him whether you look at that scar in shame and sadness, or if you look at it as a reminder that you two weathered one of the most serious storms and came out better on the other side.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Sep 2012
stillstrong
♀ Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks undefinable. It was good to get a fWS perspective. You know, "like it never happened" didn't bother me until I read your response. Nothing "happened". He took actions, made hundreds of decisions that hurt, betrayed, and disrespected me and our marriage. He always says he'll never leave me, and I try explaining to him that from where I stand, he left me every time he texted, emailed, phoned, FB messaged, took his wedding ring off before walking into a bar. Saying he'll never leave me at this point is just like sentencing me to a life of pain.
I am not looking to R, I have moved out. I was just weak because damn it I looked forward to this trip every year. It was truly a pampering experience. He's also the first person, the only person in the whole world that I have turned to when in need for the last 23 years. I guess it's a hard habit to break. I did ask him when he figures it out, to please tell me because it haunts me.
He texted me this morning from his trip that a lady we see every year who I get along really well with was looking for me. I texted back to him, "please don't text me about anyone else looking for me or anything else to do with ::name of convention:: as it just hurts me and reminds me of the dream life I had that I can't have anymore" He texted back "ok I'm sorry"
Thanks again


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 8

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