Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: goingunder (43138)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoops, hit submit twice....

[This message edited by Card at 2:04 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhtred,

I thought I was in love with my AP. He was an ex and I romanticized all sorts of things about our old relationship to justify my affair... kind of a "lost love regained" type of deal. I built up the storyline so much in my head that it was practically as though I was living my own version of a Danielle Steel novel. Truly disgusting and unbecoming of someone beyond junior high.

No12turn2,

I firmly believe that a WS has to come to a reckoning of their actions by themselves. The only way a WS can or will fix their shit---whether they divorce or reconcile---is to do it by and for themselves. They have to want to. You can point out the error of her ways, but you can't change her.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 4:14 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Untred:

I first want to say I am sorry for your pain. Secondly I can honestly say I never loved AP, but it took me 2 months to even admit I liked him, because at the time I did, I found him attractive. What was worse the aspects of his personality that I liked ere those that reminded me of xSO. Denial is hard to move out of, I didn't want to admit to myself or him that I had ever had any kind feelings towards AP. For me it was external validation, the need for it, but it was figuring out what drove that external validation that was my real why and it has taken over a year to even come to a small understanding of that. This will take time for both of you and it helps if the WS take there head out of the sand and faces their reality but that can take awhile as well. Again O am sorry for you pain.

No12:

I think she is still in the fog. Is there anything the BS can do to help clear the fog?

Other then telling her what you need from her and detaching I see no way to force a WS willingly in the fog out of it. She has forced herself into her bubble and nothing it going to burst it until she is good and ready. I know it's painful but if she insists on being this way not a lot can be done on your end other then healing yourself.

[This message edited by Unagie at 4:38 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2351 | Registered: Oct 2012
brknwmn
♀ Member
Member # 40603
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has graduated to STBXH. All of a sudden he decides he wants to change i've only been sticking by him forever. now that i'm done he wants to step it up. its really frustrating but i know in my heart that i can't be his wife anymore. i will always have love for him but i just can't...

my question is how many other WS decided that it was time for them to step up only when BS decided they were done. and was it sincere or just out of fear?


Me: 26 BS Him: 29 WH
Together since Dec 2005
officially done 10-30-13

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brknwmn,

There are many of us out there that waited until their BS was done....

My wife was willing to try again due to the fact that I was clearly willing to meet all her requirements and that we had 5 children at the time.

Without children in the mix, I always suggest that a BS run quickly.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your answers. Thank god for this forum. It makes me understand that I'm far from alone. I'm still way to out in left in left field for R.

I feel selfish for wanting to divorce my wife because she is trying her best. I truly do believe that but the deal breaker factor is there. My children are keeping me afloat for the time being. Again, I thank you all for taking the time to answer me.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 401 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just wondering what FWS would say about the sacrifice of values, integrity and family being acceptable while choosing to live a life that goes against everything you once believed and is the enemy of your family while continuing an A? How is the tradeoff worth all the losses? I write here b/c it seems the ICR forum doesn't get much response. What is the payoff for WS in A at the sacrifice of everything they once lived for?

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
cindee
♀ New Member
Member # 34183
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for the WS. More a judgement call...
H had an EA with co-worker. Had been friends for 4 years at the time. OW had stated to mutual friend she had feelings for my H. Texts and phone calls started back & forth, weekends spent away from home. January 2012 he said NC. March 2012, found out NC not real. H said NC since May 2012. H has been doing his work, has not been away from me since March 2012 except for work, sends me email every morning from work, has been willing to talk about A, daily tells me I have all of him, 100%..
We have been together 27 years, he never strayed before, he was in a MLC sort of funk... He said he was feeling unappreciated & not feeling good about himself. That OW said & did the right things and he was in it before he realized. He now says that episode made him realize how important I am to him...
I find the WS here to understand other WS a little better than I do.... So, do you think its real????


Me(51)-BS
Him (43)-WS
3 grown children (mine fr former mrg)
4 grandchildren
M- 25 yrs Feb. 2012
DDay 1-found out constant phone calls, texts and pics- 11/22/11 confronted same night
DDay 2- 3/25/12 found out false NC, H recommitted to NC
Hopin

Posts: 37 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Phoenix,AZ
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlove...

My short answer to your question is that I actually did NOT value fidelity or commitment while I was married, and therefore I was actually living exactly according to my "beliefs" at that point, which were all about me, my wants, and what I could get while giving little.

No, it was not worth it, and my values have changed once I stopped wanting to be that person.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1909 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cindee,

It's always tough to say from the outside looking in. From what you're telling us, it sounds like a real recovery.

Some things I always recommend that help recovery begin with working a marital recovery program (I like the Marriage Builders Program).
I recommend; a polygraph, complete transparency, all passwords, installation of keyloggers on all computers, committing to sharing about his A with family and friends (that you approve, not for shame, but for accountability and to make amends), NEVER discussing personal information with other women again.
I also recommend, going back to church to those that practice a faith.
One solid way to help recovery is by never doing outside activities without the other being involved. Eliminating independent behaviors and activities that allow for a secret separate life to occur.... This was the biggest one for me. I changed my lifestyle.... The Marriage Builders Program focuses heavily on this change. No more façade of putting lipstick on the pig I was.... real changes in lifestyle were a must.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, November 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlovemyfamily,

I've shared thoughts about this before.

Some of the things that I told myself came from the tapes that society clamored about for as long as I could remember....

Things like;

Divorce is necessary some times.
Family's often do better once the parents divorce
People just fall out of love sometimes
Kids are resilient, they will bounce back if you divorce
Don't let the external judgment of other tell you who you are
Everyone deserves to be happy
Follow your heart
The kids will be lucky to have a bigger family with more people to love them
(common expression) I just don't know who I am anymore
It's OK if you feel you deserve more, or better
We need our own space
Its good for the marriage to spend time apart
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

We buy into these ideas and they overshadow our morals, values and commitments.

All the psychobabble in the world can easily vie for our attention.... It sounds exactly like what our tickling ears want to hear when the doldrums set in to our marriages or our lives....

I was not as solid in my beliefs as I thought I was when these clamoring's took front and center ahead of my vows....


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
cindee
♀ New Member
Member # 34183
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Card)
Thank you for the answer...
H and I do have complete transparency now. I have complete access to any and all. The A is out in the open with family and he faced our kids and answered all questions.
I feel like we are definitely on the road to true R. Thank you again for your response.


Me(51)-BS
Him (43)-WS
3 grown children (mine fr former mrg)
4 grandchildren
M- 25 yrs Feb. 2012
DDay 1-found out constant phone calls, texts and pics- 11/22/11 confronted same night
DDay 2- 3/25/12 found out false NC, H recommitted to NC
Hopin

Posts: 37 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Phoenix,AZ
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, November 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for the wayward spouses who have reconciled or are in the process of reconciling with their betrayed spouses:

Do you consider your BS to be plan B since things did not work out with your AP?


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS spouse question....

My WH is a SA who was into calling/texting escorts from CL.

Anyway, last night browsing the recycle bin on his computer I found 4 photos that were of him from his torso down in boxer briefs only while he is visibly hard. They were taken on a Saturday early morning while I was out of town this summer.

1. Is this something guys do?????
2. What would he be using them for??? I have access to his phone records and have scoured and found no pix text messages around that time to odd phone numbers.

Help!!!!!


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 135 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DefeatedDad -

Do you consider your BS to be plan B since things did not work out with your AP?

NO!!! I never wanted out of my M. I never want to be married to anyone but my H. The A was not about my H nor my M.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DefeatedDad -

NO!!! I never wanted out of my M. I never want to be married to anyone but my H. The A was not about my H nor my M.

Thank you. I'm not trying to anger any WSs or be provocative. Just trying to gain some insight as to my fWW's state of mind. I wonder, and I guess I always will, if I am her Plan B, her safety net, her landing pad... if she isn't in to me totally but only sees me as a safe port in the storm.

Just wondering if any of the WS's here would have chosen their AP over their BS if the opportunity presented itself and circumstances were such that they could do so with a minimum of consequences.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, last night browsing the recycle bin on his computer I found 4 photos that were of him from his torso down in boxer briefs only while he is visibly hard. They were taken on a Saturday early morning while I was out of town this summer.

1. Is this something guys do?????
2. What would he be using them for??? I have access to his phone records and have scoured and found no pix text messages around that time to odd phone numbers.


IMVHO, Your H is actively engaged in wayward behavior. This is not something men do under normal circumstances. Another affair, or web related sex is going on.... I'm sorry, but your gut is likely telling you the reality of your situation.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, sometimes its easy to talk yourself into believing its innocent when the gut is screaming "WTF...not its not!!!!"


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 135 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a another WS question

How is it you can lie and lie over and over to the same questions when a BS is asking for answers? Are there some things you'd never disclose?


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 135 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
trying2live
♀ New Member
Member # 41231
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you consider your BS to be plan B since things did not work out with your AP?

No, I do not consider my BS to be plan B. Even though we are going through a hard time, I have hope that we will be able get to a place where my actions will be behind us.


"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understand you; It's when you don't understand yourself." - Unknown

Posts: 19 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.