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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the time of the affair, in your mind, was the risk of losing your marriage and family worth the sex, excitement, etc that comes along with an affair?
No, but I did a good job of compartmentalizing and not relating the two (crazy, right?). I just didn't let my mind go there. He wasn't going to find out so I didn't allow it to become a thought in my brain.

Where you able to respond to your spouses questions about the details of the affair honestly once he/she knew the truth? Or did you try to protect him or her and candy cost your responses.
Not for awhile. I trickle truthed for a long time. I did candy coat, not necessarily to protect him. I was doing damage control and trying to cover my own ass. I was trying to control the outcome, which isn't possible, or fair, to the BS.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34746 | Registered: Sep 2007
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question for WS's has to do with the risk/benefit of engaging in an affair. At the time of the affair, in your mind, was the risk of losing your marriage and family worth the sex, excitement, etc that comes along with an affair?

Yes, in my mind, at the time, I deemed it worth it. I knew exactly what I would be giving up but thought it was worth it. In actuality, it wasn't.

Where you able to respond to your spouses questions about the details of the affair honestly once he/she knew the truth? Or did you try to protect him or her and candy cost your responses.

I lied twice on D-day. Stupid me, because XH already knew the truth. After that, I answered everything honestly. XH never asked very many questions or wanted many details, however.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
whyme1525
♂ Member
Member # 40878
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new here and have a question that hopeful someone can answer. My wfe had a PA with a co worker for.over a year during that time I questioned her about it every.day and she just lied.. about 3 months ago she got fired from.her job and gave me a very lame excuse so I began tracking her celllooks phone and she was sexting the on so I blew up and she confessed to everything I already knewI. It was going on ifor.over a year and was happening in the work place and that's why she was fired.. well i thought.that was everything except Iwas still tracking her phone and some one texted her about being honest and telling me.that it happened in my bed while I was in the hospital in recovery from a major surgery. so again I blew up and she admitted it.. I think that's the part that destroyed me cause I was on the phone with her practically in tears from the pain begging her to came back to the hospital granted it.was'10pm and she had just left at 9:30 but when she left I was still in recovery.wich I thought was wrong but the.worst was he was in my house when I was crying for.her and she told to.get some rest and she was going to.sleep she then ignored any other calls from the hospital.that night witch really upset me.Cause I.could have been dying and she wouldn't have know or cared.... sorry for rambling.. so now.she says she will do anything too R we have been too 3 mc sessions and she is seing a ic alone.. my question is how.do I know she really wants to R and isn't just saying and doing the right thing.Cause she is.afraid of loosening everything

Posts: 53 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whyme1525,

If she is sincere about reconciling, only her consistent actions over time will prove that. Anyone can talk a good game when they're scrambling to reassure someone else. Time and consistency are the only ways to prove it over the long haul.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
lostmylight55
♂ Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shatteredheart7

Did you still love your BS during the A?

I rewrote history to make it in my mind that I didn't still love my BS. I told her I loved her but wasn't in love with her. I made her into the enemy to justify my horrible actions.

Did you ever pretend the AP was your BS during sex?

No.

Did you keep going back even after you were tired of the AP?

Yes. I kept going back because I was getting a lot of ego stroking, validation and sex plus the secrecy and sneaking around made me feel like I was smarter than everyone. But my A and AP were draining me mentally and I was getting tired of all of it.

If the sex was "bad" with the AP would you have continued seeing them or moved on to someone else?

Good, bad or indifferent, the sex was sex. Being a SA, I was viewing at a lot of porn and a lot of masturbation prior to and throughout my A. The A sex became a habit and routine. It was the constant ego stroking and validation combined with the secrecy/illicitness of it that was more appealing than the sex itself.

If you had ended the A without getting caught, would you have confessed everything to your BS if there was no way they were ever going to know about it?

I did end my A and I did confess. I wanted my A to be over and I knew my M was ending but I didn't realize just how close to the end it was. My W was pretty much done with me. I lied a lot while I was confessing to make myself look better and it took a long time for me to come clean with everything. I was in self preservation mode at the time and tried to control the outcome by lying which only made things worse and held back my BS's healing.


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Oct 2011
lostmylight55
♂ Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

statistic

At the time of the affair, in your mind, was the risk of losing your marriage and family worth the sex, excitement, etc that comes along with an affair?

ETA (In the beginning) For me, I had a WTF attitude. I just didn't care about my marriage or my BS. I had a WTF attitude about getting into the A itself as well like "meh, why not". I was extremely selfish, self centered and arrogant at the time. In retrospect I obviously didn't have any self respect either.

ETA I had a very victim stance with everything in my life especially in my M and my A. I had the thought that I was hard done by, I was a good guy and I deserved this. In reality, I was a selfish immature egomaniac.

Where you able to respond to your spouses questions about the details of the affair honestly once he/she knew the truth? Or did you try to protect him or her and candy cost your responses.

I TT'd and lied to protect myself a lot in the beginning. I minimized and was defensive and was definitely trying to save myself. I wasn't considering what the TT and lying was doing to my BS at the time and even though it was for my benefit, I convinced myself that I was sparing my BS at the time. It did make our R a lot harder and her healing slower.

[This message edited by lostmylight55 at 10:57 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Oct 2011
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you WS's for responding. I only hope my WS sees how his candy costing and trickle truth harms me. I've tried explaining to no avail. Your honesty is helpful to those of us on the other side.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 130 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to the WS that responded to my questions. I appreciate you being willing to help us BS's heal and understand.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whyme1525,

That is a terrible story to have to live. I'm so sorry that your WW did that to you.

As to how you can know...HB0903 says it. consistent actions over time. Talk is cheap.

But, you have a special added layer of hurt you are dealing with. Honestly, you are going to have to protect yourself. You have to make a decision, and I don't really mean whether you are going to D or not, but you are going to have to decide if you can trust her. You have to decide if you can make the effort to work through R. You have to decide to protect yourself and work on your M and R with someone who betrayed you. If you were a WS, you would be told that you have to let go of the outcome. In a way, that sort of applies to you I think. But it is going to be more of a line in the sand. You haev to draw it and then you have to stick to it. If she crosses that line, you have to be ready to let go. Once you get to that place, you might be able to find some healing IMO. Others have done it, so you can to.

Good luck.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
devotedfool68
♂ Member
Member # 38047
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How hard was it for you to write your timeline?
Did it get easier once you got started? How long did it take once started? How long did it take you to decide you needed to do it?

Thank you in advance!


Posts: 114 | Registered: Jan 2013
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How hard was it for you to write your timeline?

Gut Wrenching

Did it get easier once you got started?

No

How long did it take once started?

About 6 hrs total, over a five day period.


How long did it take you to decide you needed to do it?

About a minute or two after my wife asked.

[This message edited by Card at 12:52 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
devotedfool68
♂ Member
Member # 38047
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once you decided you needed to do it, how long did it take to actually start?
and Thanks Card, for answering!

[This message edited by devotedfool68 at 1:25 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 114 | Registered: Jan 2013
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once you decided you needed to do it, how long did it take to actually start?

The day she asked, I started....


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
want2seelight
♀ New Member
Member # 40733
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I have a question to ask

SO, your marriage is like what, more than 15 yeras falling into a familiar and monotonous pattern where verything from sex to bills are predictable. You are not one of those types who deliberately look for affairs and mistresses but it just happened with you. You were excited about the ego stroking, secrecy, new thing, new sex etc etc. Hiding from your wife, maybe getting a new phone, convincing your self that your wife doesn't love you and you love AP. In short wife is the make up mirror which shows you reality and AP is the rosy mirror which feels good.

I wanted to ask that how long does this phase last for WS? I refer to those who are not habitual cheaters and were not purposefully looking for it. How long does this rosy view lasts? and after such an affair do you miss your OP and the fun and secrecy things of the affair or do you regret it?

Also I wanted to ask that if you are so involved in an affair then what suddenly happens after D-DAY that the WS is all set to end everything immediately goes NC and everything while he was so invested in the affair the previous day? Is it guilt of getting caught? What would have happpened if you hadn't got caught?


Posts: 22 | Registered: Sep 2013
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

want2seelight,

I'm sorry for your pain. I can tell from your post that this is all still so raw for you.

More than a few waywards fit your example in your question.

I know that when you turn a light on in a dark room, the creepy crawly bugs run and hide..... It's kinda like that for many of us waywards. Once the truth comes out and light is cast upon our darkness, we seek a place of refuge and return to our senses.

I wish there were a one size fits all answer regarding how long waywards do what they do, but regretfully each one of us has a different timeline. Similar darkness, but different timeline.

FWIW,,,In the book, Surviving An Affair, the author says his studies show 95% of affairs die within two years....


Saying a prayer for you tonight, asking God to bring you peace both tonight and tomorrow.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
want2seelight
♀ New Member
Member # 40733
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you card It really touched me

I know the timeline is different for every one but still I would want to know what were your feelings during the rosy period and after the affair was discovered.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Sep 2013
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife told me to get out when my A was discovered. I left while she packed my things in garbage bags. She called me the next day and told me I needed to stop by and pick my things up before Goodwill did......

My feelings before and after were the same..... Resentful, angry and entitled.....

I was a fogged out wayward, filled with entitlement and evil.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO, your marriage is like what, more than 15 yeras falling into a familiar and monotonous pattern where verything from sex to bills are predictable. You are not one of those types who deliberately look for affairs and mistresses but it just happened with you. You were excited about the ego stroking, secrecy, new thing, new sex etc etc. Hiding from your wife, maybe getting a new phone, convincing your self that your wife doesn't love you and you love AP. In short wife is the make up mirror which shows you reality and AP is the rosy mirror which feels good.

In my case, more like my marriage was only 2 years old, I had dated the ex-boyfriend/AP right before my XH and had dated my XH too soon after ex/AP and I broke up and I thought he was actually "the one" and I had married the wrong person and I had a "second chance" (puke) and so on. So I'm not the target description of your question, but I want to reply to parts of it that do relate.

I wanted to ask that how long does this phase last for WS? I refer to those who are not habitual cheaters and were not purposefully looking for it. How long does this rosy view lasts? and after such an affair do you miss your OP and the fun and secrecy things of the affair or do you regret it?

For me, it lasted for about 4 1/2 months of the 5 1/2 month affair. I realized, quite a bit before D-day, that our former, legit relationship wasn't any more special than my relationship with XH was, and that I could feel the same way about probably many people in the world---there is no such thing as a "soulmate" or "the one" and that I'd better end it and make my relationship with XH the best it could be, because HE was whom I had married, and not the OM. Unfortunately I was caught before I ended it.

Also I wanted to ask that if you are so involved in an affair then what suddenly happens after D-DAY that the WS is all set to end everything immediately goes NC and everything while he was so invested in the affair the previous day? Is it guilt of getting caught? What would have happpened if you hadn't got caught?

I was not as invested in the affair "the previous day" to D-day as I had been in the beginning. I had already decided at that point that I was not going to leave my XH for AP, so in some ways it was already over in my mind. But I was planning to have the big, teary, boo-hoo goodbye, which is what would have happened had I not been caught.

What would have happpened if you hadn't got caught?

In all candidness, I was going to end the A one day and, martyr that I was, I was going to resignedly work on my M and begin trying to get pregnant with XH the next week. Real prize I was, eh? I was disgusting. Divorce was the best thing that could have happened to a WS such as me. It was the only thing that straightened me up.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Gipper
♂ Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife said some truly horrific things to me right after DDay. When I question her about them I invariably get, "I don't remember saying that." Trouble is, I was writing down everything as it happened. Daily. So without any help from her I am left to wonder, did she stay that stuff and not mean it? Or did was she saying what she really meant and is faking now? Either way is kind of a bummer for me, LOL.
As a wayward did you say things to simply inflict harm? Or could she really not remember?

Posts: 714 | Registered: May 2011
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I have a question for a WS. Sorry if it's been asked, and if you can point to the page number I will go and read! Lol.

It's about the trickle truth effect. I am 30 days out from DDay. WS seems apologetic, but I keep getting little bits here and there. Is there anything I can do to make him see this causes more harm than good? Is there anything (a tone, a certain question) that will get the info from him? It's gone from an EA, to "just awkward kissing". However, my gut is telling me more. Plus, I'm not stupid. You don't confess an affair because you feel too guilty to make love to your wife if it's just a kiss and you and AP have decided to work on your marriages. Plus, he was intimate with me after the kissing incident. In other words, his timeline doesn't match up.

We have our first MC appointment for next week. I think I'm hoping a third party telling him to come clean with everything will help, but not sure.


WH -37
BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
EA DDay 9/23/13; PA DDay 10/21/13
DDay 3 1/27/14. SA diagnosis DDay 4 - 4/14/14 relapse in addiction.
Do I have the strength for this???

Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
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