Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, UnexpectedSong, for your views. "Intimacy avoidance through compulsive sexual behavior" is so right. He's adopted and his two siblings have issues of some sort, too. They, though, are much healthier than he is. They weren't abused; they just weren't loved the way children need to be loved. They were always wrong and they needed someone/thing to comfort them. Because of his personality traits, he just took it harder than the others and internalized the pain more.

Thanks again!


BW: 49
SAWH: 46
M: 22.5 yrs
TT: Nov 12-Jan 13
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14

Posts: 312 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RippedSoul -

They were always wrong

Oh sweetie... This IS abuse. Children cannot always be wrong. Sure, they are young and need to learn... But they also have amazing insights and love and knowledge and caring. I feel so sad for your husband for never having had the kind of emotional security children should have.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chi -

Do you ever feel that the new person you have become deserves a new relationship not scarred by infidelity?

When I wanted to run away from my H's pain, my therapist said that I could not run away from myself. Healthy or not, there is no getting away from oneself. The affair had nothing to do with the BS or the marriage. It only had to do with me. There is no getting away from me.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wasted,

Let's say the answer is yes, he does want to be with you.

Try this question:
What is he doing to show you he does?


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
WastedTime12
♀ Member
Member # 34767
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Steppenwolf, I can not see that he is doing anything to show me. It is all just words. The day before he got a new phone provider he forwarded me a "NC" text that he sent her and that is it. Not sure I believe it though, every year he lied, why not this one. I am not supposed to ask questions because his counselor from a year ago advised him there would come a day when he would get tired of the questions but he would not/ does not bring up anything. He has told me that he got tired of the abuse (me asking questions and giving him five reasons that I would like five apologies. He said he just could not apologize for specific things as he does not remember specifics due to the drinking. He certainly does seem to be able to NOT do vs. DO.
ETA, he does not have time for reading books or SI. He does not want to see a counselor because "he knows how to beat the system" and while yes he is depressed he is never going to take meds because they change a person.

[This message edited by WastedTime12 at 5:40 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Life is meant to be lived, not numbed!

In his quest for freedom, he set me free!


Posts: 61 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WS's that were in an LTA where they felt they loved (real or not) the AP, suffered intense withdrawal, fence sitting, etc. . .

Once you had recommitted to working on your marriage did your BS talking about the affair bring up comforting or loving feelings or emotions that you still held for the AP? I'm always afraid to show my husband my true hurt for fear that he will begin to think of OW again - He truly idolized this, ahem, tramp and and I don't want to cause those thoughts to return for him.


Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ahem, tramp

Nice. [/sarcasm]

To answer your question, my XBH rarely spoke of the affair or the OM. Before we D'd, I was in a state of panicked attempted "damage control" and any talk of the A or the OM did not bring up any positive feelings. After we began reconciling (2 years later), we spoke about the whole A maybe once or twice, and the discussion still did not trigger any positive feelings.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for answering that.

Yeah - the "tramp" moniker isn't very nice - except that I was attacked by her via social media again today. It was the nicest I could come up with - I'm just worn down by her incessant attempts to deter me from healing.


Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
FoggedIn
♀ Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WS that was into 'escorts'. I guess this could apply to any WS actually.

My WH says he has no complaints about our M, or me as a wife or mother. He says I satisfy him sexually, he finds me very attractive and turned on by me......

So I don't understand how, if there aren't any issues (I'm sure saying 'any' issues is not accurate, we all have complaints about our spouses, but they aren't life altering) in your M and you are still turned on by your wife/husband, sex is great and frequent, what flips that switch in the head of a WS to say, hey I think I'll meet up with a hooker today.

I haven't been able to get to the bottom of this with WH & it's driving me crazy!!! I think I'm looking for red flags I missed or I may miss in the future if he strays again.

We were probably the happiest we've ever been in our 12 year M. Sex was better than it had ever been, we were connected on a different level than before, communicating with each other. As opposed to a couple of years ago, when we never had sex, I felt like he was completely repulsed by me, he would frequently turn me down when I wanted sex.
And now that things finally are great, he has an A.

Thank you for any responses, I appreciate your time and honesty!

XO


D-Day 1 8/9/13 :: Discovered make-up on hotel sheets
Real D-day 8/10/13 :: Confirmed by his emails, he admitted when caught red handed
9/18/13 :: Finally answered questions, got truths to many details he lied about
D-Day 2 - 12/28/13 :: Confronted

Posts: 164 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WS's that were in an LTA where they felt they loved (real or not) the AP, suffered intense withdrawal, fence sitting, etc. . .
Once you had recommitted to working on your marriage did your BS talking about the affair bring up comforting or loving feelings or emotions that you still held for the AP? I'm always afraid to show my husband my true hurt for fear that he will begin to think of OW again - He truly idolized this, ahem, tramp and and I don't want to cause those thoughts to return for him.

IMVHO, those thoughts are there for him whether you discuss it or not...

Our brains run as fast as yours does.

I'm not in favor of BS's letting themselves be treated like a door mat.... And that's what you become when you cannot grieve your pain.

Regretfully,you will have to endure the added betrayal/insult that your WH is going to grieve the loss of his AP on some level as well.

I would recommend that you look into 'The Healing Library' at a book that really helped my wife and me called, Surviving An Affair


and this;

ahem, tramp

No worries, I so deserved a nastier moniker than this...


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were probably the happiest we've ever been in our 12 year M. Sex was better than it had ever been, we were connected on a different level than before, communicating with each other. As opposed to a couple of years ago, when we never had sex, I felt like he was completely repulsed by me, he would frequently turn me down when I wanted sex.
And now that things finally are great, he has an A.

FoggedIn,

I'm not sure you really have all the truth yet???

This sounds amiss IMO.

We waywards are so good at mis-information and half-truths....

I would 'suggest" that he may have turned to some form of porn or other acting out prior to his A's. This may explain what caused him to crave for something more than great marital sex and intimacy.

Porn often does this. It can do so much damage to some men that it's tough to undo the pornographic mental imagery once it's supplanted the natural in the brain.

Please know, I'm just think typing out loud on this one and using my own experiences with soft porn as a reference.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it was the nicest I could come up with - I'm just worn down by her incessant attempts to deter me from healing

So bounce them both. You can't heal when you're continuing to be traumatized and from what you post you are. Now it's worse. Before you knew is one thing. Now you do and are accepting it. Stop.

PA, you shouldn't be "affraid" to show your husband ANYTHING. If you are you don't have a marriage/partnership.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
FoggedIn
♀ Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

:: Card ::

Thank you for your reply! I agree I probably don't have all the info at this point. Truth is I'm not sure I ever will. He's lied about a lot of things throughout our marriage, most things wouldn't have altered our relationship at all, but he chose not to be truthful anyway.

I'm certain that porn or something similar must play a role. We had HB sex just a few days after I found out & rather than it being sincere love making it was dirty sex. He talked 'dirty' & said things that were far from appropriate at the time.

I just don't know how to get the truth from him. I'm hoping he will understand that deception is not going to get us to R.


D-Day 1 8/9/13 :: Discovered make-up on hotel sheets
Real D-day 8/10/13 :: Confirmed by his emails, he admitted when caught red handed
9/18/13 :: Finally answered questions, got truths to many details he lied about
D-Day 2 - 12/28/13 :: Confronted

Posts: 164 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and this;

ahem, tramp


No worries, I so deserved a nastier moniker than this...

As did I, but this isn't the thread for that, IMHO.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first time posting in this forum and I have a lot of questions, for that I apologize.

First I want to say that my FWH takes full responsibility for his choice to cheat. He has never said that he cheated because of anything I did or didn't do. He admits that he was a weak and broken person at that time. But this is what he says, and to be honest it confuses me. So I was wondering if any other FWS ever felt any of this.

He says he never stopped loving me. He was in a horrible depression that he didn't want to admit to. I was telling him constantly that he needed to get help,begging him for us to go to MC, while she was telling him that he was fine and that it was me that had the problem. I had checked out of our M months before the A. I was grieving, my favorite aunt and my grandmother had just passed away and we had just found out that the child we had spent thousands of $$$ to try to have wasn't going to happen, and I didn't feel like he was there for me emotionally because of his depression. I freely admit that at the time I really didn't think I cared what he was doing as long as he wasn't around. He says that what he got out of the A was the attention he craved and the validation that he didn't have a depression problem (which he later admitted that he did have and got help for on his own). He has told me that the reason he was able to have the A is he honestly thought, in his fog induced brain, I didn't love him anymore,something that OW "helped" him see. He says that he told her from the start that he would never leave me, that he loved me and what he really wanted was me. He also says that when they would have sex that he would try to pretend that she was me but that the sex with her was horrible compared to being with me so that made it difficult. She would give him a BJ and he would cum, but only because the thought that she would swallow (something I can't do because of a horrible gag reflex) was what excited him, not her technique. He has told me that he felt stalked by her to the point that he quit bowling with her (how they met) 2 months after the A started and was bored with her within 5 months. However, he kept seeing her because she wanted him when I didn't and our sex life had become horrible (pre A) and he felt like he was punishing himself with horrible sex because that is all he was able to give me. He says that after the first time with her he looked at himself in the mirror and didn't recognize the person he seen looking back at him. The entire time he was involved with her he was a miserable person to be around. Everyone that knows him had commented on the change in him. So I know that he wasn't happy then, weather it was he wasn't happy with himself or she didn't make him happy I don't know. I moved out in Jan of 2012 without knowing about his A. He seen her for the last time 2 weeks later. We reconnected in April of 2012 and he confessed all to me in Sept of 2012. He immediately became transparent in every way and has done everything possible to make me feel safe and loved. I can look at him sometimes and see the pain in his eyes from what he did to me. But I still question everything.

So basically my questions are:
Did you still love your BS during the A?
Did you ever pretend the AP was your BS during sex?
Did you keep going back even after you were tired of the AP?
If the sex was "bad" with the AP would you have continued seeing them or moved on to someone else?
If you had ended the A without getting caught, would you have confessed everything to your BS if there was no way they were ever going to know about it?

Thank you to all WS for helping us BS to heal!


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you still love your BS during the A?

I thought I did and tried to convince myself that I did. The reality, which I discovered after D-day through IC and SI, was that my idea of "love" was not really love at all.

Did you ever pretend the AP was your BS during sex?

No.

Did you keep going back even after you were tired of the AP?

I was never tired of the AP himself. I did grow tired of the drama and the double life after awhile, but I was too scared to leave my XH for the AP. Once I finally decided to stay with XH and leave the AP, I was caught 2 days before the "end date" I had in my mind.

If the sex was "bad" with the AP would you have continued seeing them or moved on to someone else?

No. I wanted to have an A with that particular AP, not a different one.

If you had ended the A without getting caught, would you have confessed everything to your BS if there was no way they were ever going to know about it?

Probably not. In fact, I was hoping that's how it would go down. I had no idea my XH suspected an A (which is really stupid on my part) and I actually thought I could end it and XH wouldn't find out. Not too bright.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 11:41 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
catatonic
Member
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken103
I am going through similar situation currently as a BS. Even today in MC, my WH says the whole time in the A he felt horrible, it was awe full, he hated what he had become. He never stopped loving me. It was a LTA.
my question also..
For WS'S did it ever feel awful, why can't you end it. How do you come home and tell your family you love them?
I find it hard to believe the OW can have S.. with you if it was so awful.

So question for OW.
Were you ok with WH saying he will never leave his wife and family?
And how is it possible to have a LTA with someone who is telling you that?

Just wondering and very confused. wondering if I'm being told a lot of bologna from WH


Posts: 104 | Registered: Sep 2013
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXH has requested twice now that we talk in person.
Our divorce should be fine next month and I believe reality is setting more and more in for him. My STBXH currently lives 200 miles away so he won't be back in my state until the end of the month for his visitation.

Any FWS, should I think this is a "good" conversation to happen? I feel like he wants to reconcile but is still having a hard time dealing with the reality of what he did. He also felt like he was in lurveeee with his AP but he has since realized she is just a medical student who wanted fun.
The amount of contact has some what increased on his part and he has admitted to me that he feels guilty and that he fucked up.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 607 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Northeast US
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

movingforward,

There is a big difference between a wayward that is feeling guilty and a wayward that is demonstrating remorse. Sounds like you have a wayward feeling guilt and sorrow.

Don't get drug back into his drama of feeling sorry for... himself. You'll "see" when and if he's ever remorseful, until then keep moving forward. just my .02


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please forgive my questions as I am sure they are redundant. Please direct me to correct post if appropriate. My question for WS's has to do with the risk/benefit of engaging in an affair. At the time of the affair, in your mind, was the risk of losing your marriage and family worth the sex, excitement, etc that comes along with an affair?

Where you able to respond to your spouses questions about the details of the affair honestly once he/she knew the truth? Or did you try to protect him or her and candy cost your responses. Thank you in advance. I'm lost and my mind is grappling with what is real or not.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 130 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.