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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PA53,

Sorry you are going through False-R. Just read your thread in General.

I've read some stories about IC's which would lead me to believe that there are IC's out there who would suggest this. But, with the other evidence you have, this isn't an IC exercise. Even if it was, she should have gotten a new IC.

No, this is your WW not choosing you. This is your WW not doing the work. This is False-R.

There was never NC. Mental NC has to be worked on too. She never got there.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twitchy I got a "stupid things that WS say".. I never took off my rings when I was cheating. I feel a lot of shame for how I was acting and a good purge might help...

Stupid line #1
"My left hand feels uncomfortable when I take them off so I'm going to leave them on".

Stupid #2 "My rings are too expensive and I worry if I take them off, I risk losing them".

Stupid #3 "Well you already know I'm married so what's the point of taking them off?"

I trigger when I look at my rings and think of the betrayals that I have done. So there you have it.. Stupid things WW have said while cheating and now feel absolutely disgusted. There is no taking any of that back and I try to redeem myself every day.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M.U.C. - Thanks, but i'm more looking for what stupid stuff your OM said that you didn't realize was stupid til the fog lifted.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 12:45 PM, September 28th (Friday)]


BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh shit.. I didn't realize you were looking for stupid things that an OP said.

There is another list of stupid things they said to me too but I'm wanting to forget. I have gone mental NC with those fucking morons. Now only focusing on fixing myself, my BH and our marriage.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More than fair. Get them out of your head.

M.U.C. - Would you care to post this on the Wayward side for me? I though it may be therapeutic to other WSs andn I'm interested in demonizing OM and OW at the moments.


BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still pretty new out of a d-day and demonizing my AP's would not be therapeutic for me.. I don't blame them, I blame myself 100%. It was all my horrible choices that got me into that mess, not them.

Sorry I can't post that topic but maybe another WS would who is further along in the healing journey.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

messedupchick:


BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Twitchy! That made me smile not to mention I love puppies!!


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just need a WS to tell me in the most straight forward, non IC jargon way that this was not about me. I get that no M is perfect and that no one can ever be a perfect wife, but i have a hard time believing that his choice to leave was more because of his issues than it was about me personally. My IC said that my nature and personality would make this very difficult for me to understand and it really is. I'm not dumb. I have a law degree for shit sakes. But for some reason, I can't find any one thing to convince me to stop once and for all blaming myself.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2506 | Registered: Jan 2011
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi suckstobeme,

I'm sorry about what has happened. What your XH did to you and your family was very cruel. Leaving your family for the AP is definitely NOT YOUR FAULT! The karma bus will hit him one day and it will 'sucktobehim' instead.

I wish you strength and endurance to heal from the betrayal and confusion of where this has left you. You didn't deserve this no matter what and not your fault for even a second.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
Happeningtome
♀ Member
Member # 36327
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Response to Twitchy -

OM in my situation spewed out so much BS that narrowing it down to the top 'most stupid things he said' is really the only hard thing to do.

Just to set the stage, OM was under close observation by his BW during much of our A, much closer than I ever realized at the time. She even told my BH that she knew about the A all along (?), but just didn't tell my BH because she thought he was "ok with it ".

During our A, OM would occasionally mention that his BW would have suspicions and he would be under a lot of pressure to swear his loyalty and fidelity to her, which he would do. At the time, I interpreted this as "protecting me". Now, I can clearly see that this was very cruel and abusive to her. Especially because of how long/often he gaslighted her.

Following the episodes he would tell me about, I would want to stop the A immediately. He would then toss out some quote from a movie or a song or a poem to justify why the A should continue - usually something along the lines of "tossing caution to the wind" or "come what may" or "love has no boundaries". Of course at the time it was what I wanted to hear-it fueled the fantasy in my mind. Now, ICK. I honestly think he had some handbook he would pull crap like this out of, because anytime I started to pull away or show less interest in him, he would really pour it on, profess his unending love for me, how much he needed me, blah, blah, blah. That lasted up until the minute his BW confronted him on DDay. Guess his "undying love" had an end date after all.

As a wrap up, his BW took him back after DDay, and a few months later she uncovered evidence of 3+ other affairs, including 2 with a couple of her close friends. Looks like he really did believe love has no boundaries! What an ass.hole.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2012
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, September 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so as a WS you "fall in love" with your AP, the A ends, you finally get over the AP but 2 years later and you still don't love your BS like a spouse!

Can anyone explain to me what this is about, and why a WS would feel like this??? Obviously maybe they really truly just don't love you anymore and are just done, but then when they say "but I want to love you again I just don't know how to get there". I am just confused and need a WS perspective, if anyone has one on this.

Thank you anyone that replies!!!


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 706 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, September 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crossroads2010,

It is definitely my H that I want. He's the best man in the world. There are parts of that old life that are unlikely to come back. In many ways we are starting completely over. Bur being with him is totally worth it.

Twitchy ,

Looks like I misunderstood the second time too.

When the OM was trying to convince me to 'choose him', and I was saying how it could never work cause I would never be able to face anybody, they'd all know what we did, and they'd never accept him, he kept saying, 'It will go away. You'll get over it.' Even I wasn't so foggy as to not see that he just.didn't.care about anyone but himself.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, September 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suckstobeme

It was absolutely not about you. My X struggles with this too. His line of reasoning is something like: You were married to me. Then you decided you'd rather be with him instead. Therefore, there must have been something about me you didn't like to be willing to discard me in favor of someone else.

I understand how he reached that conclusion. But the actual truth is, I was so unhappy inside myself, and so in need of external validation (because I didn't know how to fix it within myself) that I thought being with the AP was the quick-fix solution. In my mind it never reflected poorly on XH.

Cheating is always in some way shape or form about the WSs fucked-uppedness.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Simic
♂ New Member
Member # 36675
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, September 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Simic at 7:46 AM, September 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: North Carolina
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simic...

Those questions are not appropriate for the WS's here. They are not here to answer humiliating questions.

If your WS did something like that, please seek those answers with them.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192070 | Registered: May 2002
Simic
♂ New Member
Member # 36675
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, September 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To Deeply Scared and all my fellow SIers.

I wasn't trying to humiliate anyone, and I don't want anyone to feel humilated by anything I say. If my questions angered or upset anyone then I am truly sorry as that wasn't my intent.

Right now I feel completely numb...I don't know what to make of it. What Im feeling that is.

As for my questions. I just want to understand what others have experienced. I want to try and understand what they were thinking and feeling if and when they sent pics and videos. And have any AP's used them in a threatening manner?

I guess Im looking for perspective. Please don't be offended as I don't want to hurt, humilate or disrespect anyone.

What I am looking for is the point of view of a WS on this subject. I feel as if I am too close to this situation to see it clearly and I am really trying to understand.

If this is not the right place to ask, then can anyone point me in the right direction.

Deeply Scared has suggested that I ask my WS these questions. I wish that was possible, but at present I feel like my WS doesn't care if I lived or not. I feel like she wishes that I would just disappear or that I never existed in the first place. I can't ask her these questions because she won't talk to me.

[This message edited by Simic at 1:11 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: North Carolina
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simic,

I sent you a PM.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so as a WS you "fall in love" with your AP, the A ends, you finally get over the AP but 2 years later and you still don't love your BS like a spouse!

Can anyone explain to me what this is about, and why a WS would feel like this??? Obviously maybe they really truly just don't love you anymore and are just done, but then when they say "but I want to love you again I just don't know how to get there". I am just confused and need a WS perspective, if anyone has one on this.

Thank you anyone that replies!!!


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 706 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, September 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scange13,

No need to post the same question twice, especially within 24 hours.

I used those words when I was still working through my shit. Not sure if I'm remembering the chain of events in the correct order or not because it's been a while since I was there, but those words were used to still keep some sort of distance between me and BW. It was buying me time, and also it was an attempt to try to get someone else to take some responsibility for what I had done.

There are many hurdles the WS has to overcome. They are going to start with the easy ones and work their way up to the harder ones. I think this is one of the harder ones.

In my situation, yes, we did have pre-A issues. Also, I never felt, or knew, that I had to work on love. I always believed it was just something that was there or wasn't there. Throw in a little bit of not wanting to finally admit I really was wrong and that it really was all my fault, and you get the statement - but I want to love you again, I just don't know how.

Think about it, you’re asking about the second part of a statement. What does your WS say before the "but" word? What excuses are they throwing out?

I dropped that statement from my vocabulary when I realized that it was just a hollow excuse to keep myself from doing the work that I needed to do. Sort of a reluctant R attitude. Shitty, yes, but it happens. Because it means even more hard work, addressing things that are scary, like FOO, and emotions, and true honesty.

If I remember correctly, my BW pretty much laid out what she needed from me at that point. It wasn't an ultimatum really, it was just a matter of fact that she knew what she wanted, and she knew what I should be doing in order to meet those needs. One thing that really pissed me off (in a good way) about my BW is that she knew me better than I knew myself. I realized that, even though I fought to make it seem otherwise. So, this statement you are asking about was a way to buy time, one last ditch effort to put off doing the work.

I don't think it is a bad thing. It's just another challenge the WS throws out. I think most BS's have it in them to side-step this direct statement and get to the real challenge behind it, which is that the WS needs to finally drop their defenses and trust that they do have the ability to make it through this.

Not sure if that helps...


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
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