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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

duplicate

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 5:28 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you UnexpectedSong. I'm beginning to understand now.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ArableSands,

There is a book in the Healing Library called, "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr.

I think it may shed some more light on all the darkness.

You might follow it up with the same authors book, "Lovebusters".
It helps couples overcome some devastating, pre and post affair, marital issues such as, Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Independent Behaviors, Etc....


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your responses. I'm a BW. My WH is going to give me his timeline next Friday after I get back in town. D DAY WAS 4/12/13. I found out about a year long affair with his HS sweetheart while we were separated. Four months after he came home, I found out he spent the night with her when he was supposed to be out of town. Someone saw them together and that was the first I knew of anything.
He TT'd me since then with most of what I know coming from my sources and my proof. Even then, he lied until she confirmed something.

He has been very remorseful. He has gone to IC, MC, and is now going to church for guidance and men's groups. He lost his father when he was seven and feels he could use the help of the older men there to learn how to "love and cherish a wife".

My question is about the timeline. He told me that some of the things he will tell me will hurt my feelings. I'm supposing lies will have to become truths. How hard was it to finally tell the truth? We're you able to be completely honest right away or did you withhold and/or minimize? What can I do to make it easier for him to tell me the complete and honest story? Did your BW's crying stop you?

I know I will have so many questions. I don't want it to be an interrogation but my mind has been going in so many directions that I will have to eliminate the horrible fantasy stories it's made up.

I don't want my reactions to impede his honesty but I'm afraid I will just fall apart. I'm crying as I type this so please help me if you can.

I hope I haven't violated any posting rules.
(Sorry, I put in wayward side and they told me to move over here)


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jul 2013
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoa! Didn't know this forum existed!! I always see stop signs in Wayward Forum.

Wow, I have so many questions. I don't know where to start.

Did you all still love your S?

Do you think of AP's?

Are you really sorry?

Does it break your heart to see BS in pain or do you just want it to go away and ignore it?

Did you think about your S when you were doing AP? Did you think how hurt they would be if they ever found out?

Would you have continued if you didn't get busted?

Is your M stronger now?

Are you happy you R?

Are you thankful for second chance?

Can you really fall back in love with BS after thought of losing them?

And, the biggest one for me,
why downplay the details? why, why, why? Can't you just say it felt good at the time, now you know it was wrong or something??

Also, do you ever think of doing it again?

Have any of you committed to R and did it again?

Do you agree with "once a cheater always a cheater?"

Are any of you still witholding information because your Ring and don't want to mess it up?

Sorry, if this is too many questions. These are most of the questions I've always had for any WS.

I sort of get how hard it is for you all, too. This is not easy. We all have a little brokenness that needs some fixing, y'know...

Ok, I'm only sending good, nice, gentle vibes.

There will be no judging, bashing, or sarcasm.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:22 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me-BW 35. STBXH-35,active alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 little boys. M 6yrs T13.
Year+ false R & TT from Dday1 Nov 2012 IEA - Feb 2014 count at 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) for 3 years that I know of.
Filed for D.

Posts: 816 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually just printed this, changed words and I'm going to give it to my H.


Me-BW 35. STBXH-35,active alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 little boys. M 6yrs T13.
Year+ false R & TT from Dday1 Nov 2012 IEA - Feb 2014 count at 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) for 3 years that I know of.
Filed for D.

Posts: 816 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually just printed this, changed words and I'm going to give it to my H.

Good. His answers are the only ones that matter.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SadWife -

I don't want my reactions to impede his honesty but I'm afraid I will just fall apart. I'm crying as I type this so please help me if you can.

It's okay to fall apart. Let go of the consequences. Just feel how you feel. He's man enough to handle it.

Best wishes.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first he just looked at it and said nothing, just sat there. So, I left. Then, I called him 2 minutes later and told him to read the fucking letter and answer the damn questions. I'm known for being a push over and not saying much. He answered with honesty, sincerity and remorse. It's over. I'm done and FINALLY ready to let this go. I mean forgive him. He's broken, but he's fixing himself and I love him for loving us more than alcohol. :)


Me-BW 35. STBXH-35,active alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 little boys. M 6yrs T13.
Year+ false R & TT from Dday1 Nov 2012 IEA - Feb 2014 count at 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) for 3 years that I know of.
Filed for D.

Posts: 816 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called him 2 minutes later and told him to read the fucking letter and answer the damn questions.

You go, girlfriend!!!


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

libertyrocks, I agree with US that your WH’s answers are the only ones that will really matter to you. Here are my answers anyway…

Did you all still love your S? – I was actively not loving my BW. Long backstory, and I think that part of me still did because if I really didn’t, there wouldn’t have been the inner turmoil going on.

Do you think of AP's? – The OW (singular for my sitch) crosses my mind periodically, but it is way different now that when I came here back in ’09.

Are you really sorry? – Yes, but it took me a long time to get there.

Does it break your heart to see BS in pain or do you just want it to go away and ignore it? – This is what I’m sorry for…that I put her through more pain than I think she’s ever gone through, that she was still willing to work it all out, and I still wanted it to just go away. But going away in my case was me trying to run away.

Did you think about your S when you were doing AP? Did you think how hurt they would be if they ever found out? – EA only here…and for the most part I was not thinking about my BW when I was texting/emailing the OW. All I wanted was that next moment of contact. I was actively working against caring if my BW would be hurt.

Would you have continued if you didn't get busted? – Didn’t get busted, but very well would have eventually. I tried to continue it even after I told my BW about it.

Is your M stronger now? – Oh, yes. Way stronger. Still takes work, every day. And unfortunately it was about the worst path forward I could have taken for a stronger M. I don't think any of us ever got into an A thinking "hmmm, I bet this will make my M stronger."

Are you happy you R? – Yes.

Are you thankful for second chance? – Yes.

Can you really fall back in love with BS after thought of losing them? – Yes. But it took a lot of work to find that love again. And it takes a lot of work to maintain it.

And, the biggest one for me,
why downplay the details? why, why, why? Can't you just say it felt good at the time, now you know it was wrong or something??
– They are embarrassing for one thing. It is difficult to accept that you did something like this and even more difficult to take full responsibility. Most of us here on SI know that we screwed up, but it takes a lot of work to figure out that it really was our fault.

Also, do you ever think of doing it again? – No. Nothing is worth going through this experience ever again.

Have any of you committed to R and did it again? – This is a form of false-R. There are those who commit to R with no intention of ending it. Then there are those who will commit to R but they fall back into the old patterns. I can think of one guy here who did this. There are probably more, but they aren’t on SI anymore.

Do you agree with "once a cheater always a cheater?" – No. The same way that I believe anyone is capable of cheating. It that whole idea of never say never.

Are any of you still witholding information because your Ring and don't want to mess it up? – This is TT and I think the majority of us have done it. It is very difficult to wrap your head around the concept that the BS needs the information in order to heal. In other words, we have to hurt the BS even more by sharing the details they want. It is counterintuitive.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6053 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree that your spouse's answers are the only ones that truly matter in your sitch but here are mine.


Did you all still love your S?

I thought I did. I realized later on that I never really loved anybody, not even myself.

Do you think of AP's?

Sometimes.

Are you really sorry?

Yes, but as Baxters said, it took me a long time to feel that way.

Does it break your heart to see BS in pain or do you just want it to go away and ignore it?

I don't see him in pain anymore. That is to say, if he still feels it, as I'm sure he does, he doesn't show it. In the beginning, when he showed it? Yes, it broke my heart.

Did you think about your S when you were doing AP? Did you think how hurt they would be if they ever found out?

You mean in the moment, as AP and I were having sex? No, I did not think of my XH. In general terms, during the affair? Yes, I thought of him, and I knew he would be very angry; I didn't expect him to be as "hurt" as he was.

Would you have continued if you didn't get busted?

No. I was two days away from the predetermined end of the A for personal reasons unrelated to getting busted.

Is your M stronger now?

We are no longer married---hope to be again someday. No, I don't think our relationship as a whole is stronger. I think *I* am stronger.

Are you happy you R?

Yes.

Are you thankful for second chance?

Yes.

Can you really fall back in love with BS after thought of losing them?

I am not "in love" with XH. I believe the "in love" feeling is fleeting, oriented more toward the beginning stages of the relationship, and goes away after time. I really do try to love my XH through my actions now and not worry so much about pure feelings that may or may not change over time.

And, the biggest one for me,
why downplay the details? why, why, why? Can't you just say it felt good at the time, now you know it was wrong or something??

My XH asked very few details. He found out a lot of it. I answered anything he asked and told him I'd answer anything he wanted to know. But he knows what sex is like, he knows what sex with ME is like. Same goes for non-sex stuff. He basically *has* the details.

Also, do you ever think of doing it again?

No.

Have any of you committed to R and did it again?

The divorce-ending A and the reason for me being on SI *was* the "doing it again." With the same OM (EA that time). We rugswept it back then, and, well, here we are.

Do you agree with "once a cheater always a cheater?"

Depends on the cheater in question. Some do it again. Some never do.

Are any of you still witholding information because your Ring and don't want to mess it up?

If he wanted to talk about anything, whether it be details, or general mindset at the time of the A, whatever---I would be forthcoming. He has chosen not to speak of it any longer, and I respect that. So I'm not deliberately withholding, but unless something has been discussed, well...it hasn't been discussed.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
LiedtoLucy
♀ Member
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frustrated BS here..

My WH and I are 4 months out from d-day.. and I admit I have moments when I irrationally suspicious about things. For instance, I needed to get in my WH truck today to get something. He was sleeping b/c he works nightshift. I couldn't find his keys anywhere.. automatically got super suspicious that he was hiding them from me.

I called him after he left for work and asked him if he left for work and asked him if he is hiding something from me. Something didn't feel right. He got angry and asked me what I wanted him to do? He says he is trying. I see the actions...he is trying..things are better in our M. But I still can't over look the fact that there was a four year LTA. Four years of lies and not knowing that my husband was basically living a lie and falling in love with someone else.

He says he feels like no matter what he does or says it is not enough...that it will never be enough. He yelled at me and made me feel like I was being irrational. As long as I don't bring up trust issues and question him about why he chose me over OW he is fine. We get along fine. We are spending more time together. Having great sex. enjoying each other.

Does he really expect me not to be suspicious or question him after only four months? What is he thinking? Is he really trying to R? Should I just let it go and quit trying to get him to comfort me..maybe he isn't ready to.. but it hurts


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 110 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
womaninflux
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Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LTL: He cannot be angry with you!

Every time my SAWH gets pissy about me reacting to something I am triggered by, I have to remind him that I trusted him blindly for 12 1/2 years and he bold faced lied to me when the A first began and again months later when I asked him if he was seeing someone.

I think it would be better if I just said "This is not a punishment for you...it is a valid response to the trauma I am experiencing."


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LiedtoLucy,

Four months is still pretty early. It might be too early to say you are in R, especially with the comments your WH is making, and his yelling at you. but everything is hunky-dory as long as you don't bring it up? And it sounds like you are in HB? Very convenient then that he gets to enjoy HB, yell to where you don't bring it up, and turn things around to make you seem like the bad guy for not trusting him.

I'll tell you that it took me many years to get to the point of being in R. Do you think you can handle your WH not taking responsibility, minimizing, manipulating you for that long? Do you think there is any chance he will be able to see what HE has done? The only way my BW finally got me to understand is when she finally packed a bag.

Take care of yourself first (and your kids) and let him figure his own shit out.

Womaninflux, not sure if you are asking a question or answering one (which you aren't supposed to do on this thread...) but if you are are asking if your response will work, it might. But it's just as likely that your WH, or LTL's WH has their head so far up their ass that they won't be able to comprehend that you are experiencing trauma, or that there is anything in store for them except punishment. Some WS's aren't ready to hear that. By the time they are, the BS's often are at the end of their rope and ready to let go.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6053 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 5:43 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Womaninflux,

Please do not answer questions in this forum. Feel free to ask questions in here but leave the answering to the WSs.

Thank you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34758 | Registered: Sep 2007
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LiedtoLucy -

asked him if he is hiding something from me.

Did you ask him where his keys were?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
LiedtoLucy
♀ Member
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

U/S

No I didn't ask him where his keys were. It wouldn't have helped matters at that point.

Is he hiding something or just feeling punished every time I feel the need to ask for comfort or help understanding something?

BaxtersBFF-

Why do you think it takes so for WH to get it? It is obvious to me that I am upset, suspicious, and need his support because of HIS actions. How is it that he thinks I should just take his word for it that everything is ok after a 4-year betrayal? He is a smart man. But acts as if I am the one being difficult.

He did send me a text saying, "I am sorry I reacted so poorly. I love you."

I do not think that I can do this for years. Should I go ahead and pack my bag? I have tried 180...wasn't very good at it. He feels hurt by my lack of concern for him.. I know. go figure.


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 110 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LiedtoLucy,

First off, the only person who can make decisions for you is you. The one "problem" with SI is that we aren't your WS, so what fits for us may or may not fit your situation. All we can offer is what we see as to how it relates or mirrors our own situations. Also, we see trends over time with other scenarios. Still doesn't mean there are any absolutes when helping a BS to figure out what is going through their WS's minds.

If a WS isn't ready to hear things or understand things, then there really isn't much you can do to get them to understand what you are going through. And until they are ready to begin hearing the truth, anything you say, any feeling you have that he might somehow or other become aware will be twisted to be a problem with you, your fault, and he is incapable of doing anything to help you, which all translates to "I don't know what I'm doing so it must be someone else's fault because it's too scary to even consider that it might be my own fault."

If I can ask, why did you do the 180? What were you hoping would happen when you did it?

The text where he is saying he loves you is probably just a way for him to try to keep the status quo a bit longer. Again, if you are in HB, if his tactics have kept you from really finding your strength and calling him out on his shit, then he is going to keep trying to do things which he believes will keep things easy for him.

In my situation, my BW packing a bag really affected me. But I was at that point where I was ready to begin to understand things. So she ended up staying and that was the beginning of my (our) time on SI. The one thing you need to know is that my BW wasn't doing it to shake me out of my fog. She was doing it to protect herself. It wasn't a bluff. She had a plan.

So, back to the question, are you going to do this for you? or are you doing it in hopes that it will make a difference to him?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6053 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I didn't ask him where his keys were. It wouldn't have helped matters at that point.

Why not? Why is it better to ask "are you hiding something?" instead of "where were your keys?"

Is he hiding something or just feeling punished every time I feel the need to ask for comfort or help understanding something?

Gently... Asking "are you hiding something" is not asking for comfort or help understanding. It is a flat out accusation. Accusing him of something is your prerogative, your right. But don't be surprised when he is not answering the question you are not asking.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
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