The other times he comes into my head is when I think of the A and that's usually done as clinically as possible. Eventually self disgust wins and I break for another time. So the short answer is no there is no happy thoughts os AP. He used me and vice versa. He ran his game extremely well and I ran with it. There is no feelings or emotion there that is positive.
Both had DDays and TT
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
these boards are full of stories of fighting not to call the AP
I don't doubt it because people that are looking for support for an issue are drawn to where there is commonality.
Infidelity touches millions. If you add up all the members who ever registered on this site and others it would leave a large percentage out there. They may read but they don't post so not getting a realistic perpective.
I never loved the OM nor do I have fond memories of him.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
all I see is the continuous desire to contact and how hard it is not to
That's because you are looking on a site where people long for their APs. It's like you won't find a lot of people who hate theatre on a musicals site.
I think about the AP like the homeless people begging for money at freeway ramps (no offense to homeless people) - I don't.
how have you repaired and made amends to the children
Are you looking for ideas on the remote chance that your WH returns home? If he does, you can tell him to come up with how to make amends to you and your kids.
why do you want to stay?
Because the affair was not about the BS. Because the affair was an escape. If you compare it to drinking or smoking, it makes more sense. One does not drink because one no longer wants the M. One drinks to escape whatever real or imaginary stresses one feels.
Do you feel that someone can be a WS and a good parent?
How has being a WS change the way you parent?
Thank you for your honesty!
I have always prided myself on being a good mother and making my kids a priority. During that time those qualities were non existent.
Being a WS made me more honest with my kids, and taught me to put protective walls around my family. Family time is sacred now and I don't put anything before my H or the kids.
I still have a lot of guilt over the kind of mother I let myself become during that time. I don't wallow in it, but I put it away in a spot in my head to remind myself to never become that person again.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
I have a question that I am sure has been raised before. (What hasn't? ;-)
We are only around a week into reconciliation. Or maybe it is premature to even call it that, as my WW ended it with the AP only a week ago. (Yeah, it's probably premature.).
But here it is: she is expressing a great deal of REGRET that the "whole thing ever happened," but no real remorse for the destruction HER actions caused me and our family.
My therapist (who also sees my wife) believes that the remorse will come in time. I don't get this, and I am sure not pleased about this. And of course it makes me skeptical that R will really work.
But did this happen for any of you? I know that in an "ideal" R, the WS will be consumed with remorse and falling all over the BS for their forgiveness. But was their a "delayed reaction" for anyone? If so, why do you think this was?
I know this is the key to R, and I am upset that it just hasn't manifested, but everything else--all the other components--is there. I guess this is the reason I am not completely despairing of an eventual successful reconciliation.
Can I still be a good father? I donít think so. I have changed so much that Iím not capable of being a father with any kind of authority, I have become a man who is constantly bargaining trying to lessen the pain, who is completely lost in all the decision making. I can not lead by example and there is not much I can teach my son. I canít say any more what is wrong and what is right. But I still do, and I try, because, this is the only thing WS can do Ė not give up and hope for the best. So many times in my parenting I say things that I went directly against, and that disgusts me.
I put my kids thru hell, not intentionally, but I caused them a lot of hurt. They really blamed me at the time. My friends kept telling me to put my kids first, that I shouldn't be dating. I didn't want to hear them, I told myself I deserved to have time for myself.
Another example is years ago, my Aunt cheated on her husband, eventually left him. In the process, she neglected my cousin, my mom, her sister and my grandma basically raised him from that point on. She didn't even attend his 8th grade graduation. He is 60 years old. He has never been able to commit to anyone, never married. His mom has been dead for about 17 years. On Easter Sunday he went to my mom and asked her if his mom left his dad for another man. He must have blocked most of it out because he was old enough at the time to remember. It's kinda sad that at 60 years old, he is still trying to figure it out.
Do you feel that someone can be a WS and a good parent?
Yes. I was a good mother then, even during the A. I did not flag in my attention to my kids.
But it depends on your definition of what a good parent is. I have a job now that requires me to work nights and so I am always tired and not fully engaged with my kids. I consider myself a worse mother now than during the A.
How has being a WS change the way you parent?
It did not.
However, being here and in therapy have given me a whole new way of thinking and being and I try to teach my kids those healthy concepts.
You came to SI as a BS. You are not allowed to answer questions as a WS on this thread. Thank you.
I have asked my WH how it was possible that in addition to never considering any consequences to his A, he never never thought about how his children would be affected.
Our kids were little when he began his 15 year affair. Had I found out in the beginning, I may not have considered R and our family unit may have been destroyed.
WH still claims that he never, ever thought about these things. He never asked himself how his actions may impact me or our kids.
As a WS, is this possible? Can the fog be so thick that for 15 years, he never once considered any possible fallout?
He still swears, 16 months from dday, "I didn't think about it, if I did, of course I would have done something about it"
I can not believe this. Thanks
[This message edited by FightingBack at 7:34 AM, April 4th (Thursday)]
STBXH claims guilt and some sorrow over what he is doing, but he did it anyway and continues it.
D is in the process now and he is being served very soon.
I scream deep inside with jealousy because he is giving up so much for his A with people that frankly sound kind of bizarre.
I feel a sense of pulling out my own hair because he is letting go of 20 years for OW who bit....at him and throws fits and while I know I'm not supposed to dwell on it, IC says its part of the letting go process for me.
Yes, STBXH holds AP on a massively high pedestal and trashes me and M to myself and other people.
I just don't understand his thinking or how he behaves now-so juvenile and argues about anything.
Thank you for the little vent. I guess I just wanted to express jealousy at all the WS's who have remorse and really try to R, for mine pulled false R and I am still reeling from that.
A question would be, can anyone think why he would give up 20 years of his own work and family and I wonder if it will last-he talks to people of M and future with OW, but is all over dating sites and a multitude of women on fb?
I came on the WS thread in hope of some understanding of what may be in his head? He is NPD/AS/PA but the river of denial is so long and filled with bugs he doesn't see it. He asked in the summer, what is wrong with me? So knows something isn't right.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
After the discovery I went to my first CI, clueless woman who specializes in SA, who told me: ďI think you are a good man who has done something terrible. I believe that if somebody took you aside and explained you what you were doing you would have stopped immediatelyĒ and for some time I believed her. But, after a while I realized that my fog was so thick that even something like that wouldnít have changed me. I had to see the destruction by my own eyes, I had to see my dearest suffering to such an extreme, I had to tell the most gruesome things to the person I love, I had to hit the rock bottom. Even than, it took me quite some time to digest everything. First, there was an elusive search for a reason that didnít exist. Checking my childhood for abuses (there are always plenty), my character for diseases (there are plenty), understanding a bit about my selfishness, narcissism, cruelty, manipulations, passive-agresivness, mineralization techniques, compartmentalization and so on. The more I moved from my Ddays, the more I got disgusted by myself. And the more I learned to hate my picture in the mirror. And the more I couldnít explain and understand the fog I was in.
The fog is real, it is thick and it changes us completely. Why do we get into the fog, there are numerous reasons. But, once we get there, we donít see further from our nose. Are we just bad people, and the good people donít get into that situation, possible. Are we people with some kind of defect, possible too. But, that fog is real. Do we somehow develop that state so we can justify what we are doing to ourselves, most likely. But, once in there, we canít see clearly.
Iíve been two years on this site and have read many different stories. And realized that the fog is as real as anything else. People get into it and, usually after discovered, land hard in the real life that has nothing to do with their previous one. Some never find the way out, stay there forever. Some cry their lungs out for the rest of their lives, trying to figure out how did it happen to them. Many WSís are trying to explain that to their BSís and many BSís canít simply understand it.
Iím not saying this to look for excuse, to minimize what has been done, to say that what we have done needs forgiveness, kindness or any kind of empathy. It does not. We are still, mostly, grown up people, with our choices, our morals, our responsibilities, and what we have done can not have any excuse. There is something wrong with us, otherwise, everybody would be doing what we have done. Iím just pointing out that it is possible that your husband never thought that by doing what we was doing, he was putting your child in any kind of danger. It is possible to be that blind and that stupid. And I know this, because, Iíve been there.
I thank you so very much for taking the time to respond to me and for sharing what must still be very painful for you.
You have opened a door to understanding and I will try to keep that door open. I hope you realize what your post means to me.
It's unlikely that an M to his OW will last. Sometimes those M's do last, but I think most don't. Shoot, he's on dating sites? He's wanting to marry a woman who helped him destroy 20 years and he feels good about that? I think it's likely he will self-destruct, but you never know.
NPD is something I don't know much about, other than it seems a more cruel situation than many others I read about here. A common theme among WS's though is that we are all as some level afraid to deal with our fears, the real problems which stem from FOO issues and other experiences in life, and we find this situation that gives us a brief respite from reality. For some it is brief, for others it can take years to work through, and for some (NPD) there is no turning around, it will always be someone else's fault.
As far as your MC telling you to not dwell on things, I disagree. You have to work through these things that have hurt you, and part of that involves thinking about them and really feeling those emotions. So, go ahead and dwell, but don't become stuck either.