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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if this is the right place to post this or not. I need to ask a question- to WS's. I read other sites- where Ws's and Ap's talk stories of how they think of each other 3- 4- -5 years later. WS's hold special places for their AP partners in their heads. They can't forget them. The Ow/Om's feel they stayed with thier Bs's for whatever reason but know the Ws will always love them. They see each other later and they know the feelings are still there. They admit they don't act on this - but the feelings will always be there. How many WS's will admit they still hold the AP's in high regard and still think happy thoughts of them. If only thoughts?? You may be working on marriages because you want to stay with your wives/husbands because you love them, but still think happy thoughts of the AP's??


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, March 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admit OM crosses my mind but its not with fondness, its also becoming common for it to not be with hatred or contempt. Its almost a flatness now when he comes into my head and regret that I ever did anything with him. For a long time I entertained fantasies of him seeing me again and feeling even a slight bit of remorse, I wanted someone to feel as terrible as I did and be in misery with no forgiveness in sight. Then I stopped the pity party, put on my big girl panties and got to working on me. TBH if he comes into my head its more what reaction I would have if I saw him again, I want to ensure the message of don't come near me, don't talk to me, just don't is maintained. I figure ignoring and carrying on with my life like he is a stranger is a good move.

The other times he comes into my head is when I think of the A and that's usually done as clinically as possible. Eventually self disgust wins and I break for another time. So the short answer is no there is no happy thoughts os AP. He used me and vice versa. He ran his game extremely well and I ran with it. There is no feelings or emotion there that is positive.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2378 | Registered: Oct 2012
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Unangie,
I so appreciate your response. All of us Bs's want to hear that. I feel you may be one of the few however, I really wish I was wrong- these boards are full of stories of fighting not to call the AP. Stories of trying to work with their Bs but they can't find the way to forget the AP. Maybe I am taking all of this wrong. I just read and read and all I see is the continuous desire to contact and how hard it is not to. Am I taking this wrong? I see Ws's saying they are trying to do the right thing and how difficult it is- if you are dedicated to you Bs - then why is it so hard? I see some that feel as you do but most seem to fight this fight for years. I had a boyfriend before I met my husband- I thought I was in love with him, once married - he was just a memory. He actually was a memory of my life before and a reason that I loved my husband so much. My husband offered more than that boyfriend would ever be or offer. There is no desire to act on seeing him or talk to him again. This is not how I take most posters feel about their Ap's. I am sorry if I seem jaded. I just don't get it.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

these boards are full of stories of fighting not to call the AP

I don't doubt it because people that are looking for support for an issue are drawn to where there is commonality.

Infidelity touches millions. If you add up all the members who ever registered on this site and others it would leave a large percentage out there. They may read but they don't post so not getting a realistic perpective.

I never loved the OM nor do I have fond memories of him.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

all I see is the continuous desire to contact and how hard it is not to

That's because you are looking on a site where people long for their APs. It's like you won't find a lot of people who hate theatre on a musicals site.

I think about the AP like the homeless people begging for money at freeway ramps (no offense to homeless people) - I don't.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlove -

how have you repaired and made amends to the children

Are you looking for ideas on the remote chance that your WH returns home? If he does, you can tell him to come up with how to make amends to you and your kids.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
41andthankful
♀ Member
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, March 31st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if this is the correct forum. For the WS who is remorseful and wants to stay. Other than the obvious, I love my spouse, why do you want to stay? Knowing the hard work ahead of you, what else makes you want to move forward with your BS? Is it because you want to redeem yourself? You want to make things right for your spouse? Why?

Posts: 241 | Registered: Mar 2013
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why do you want to stay?

Because the affair was not about the BS. Because the affair was an escape. If you compare it to drinking or smoking, it makes more sense. One does not drink because one no longer wants the M. One drinks to escape whatever real or imaginary stresses one feels.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS who are PARENTS:

Do you feel that someone can be a WS and a good parent?

How has being a WS change the way you parent?

Thank you for your honesty!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Oct 2012
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. I know I was not a good mother while I was cheating. I was lying to my kids and leaving them to go be with OM. (They were old enough, but it was still time away from them when they needed me).

I have always prided myself on being a good mother and making my kids a priority. During that time those qualities were non existent.

Being a WS made me more honest with my kids, and taught me to put protective walls around my family. Family time is sacred now and I don't put anything before my H or the kids.

I still have a lot of guilt over the kind of mother I let myself become during that time. I don't wallow in it, but I put it away in a spot in my head to remind myself to never become that person again.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34731 | Registered: Sep 2007
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

I have a question that I am sure has been raised before. (What hasn't? ;-)

We are only around a week into reconciliation. Or maybe it is premature to even call it that, as my WW ended it with the AP only a week ago. (Yeah, it's probably premature.).

But here it is: she is expressing a great deal of REGRET that the "whole thing ever happened," but no real remorse for the destruction HER actions caused me and our family.

My therapist (who also sees my wife) believes that the remorse will come in time. I don't get this, and I am sure not pleased about this. And of course it makes me skeptical that R will really work.

But did this happen for any of you? I know that in an "ideal" R, the WS will be consumed with remorse and falling all over the BS for their forgiveness. But was their a "delayed reaction" for anyone? If so, why do you think this was?

I know this is the key to R, and I am upset that it just hasn't manifested, but everything else--all the other components--is there. I guess this is the reason I am not completely despairing of an eventual successful reconciliation.

Thank you!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1462 | Registered: Dec 2012
disgracetoh.race
♂ Member
Member # 33491
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Yes, you can think before Dday that you are a good parent. You can probably live your whole life thinking that. But, in essence, WS can not be a good parent. Regardless of what I thought about myself, I have put my own, selfish interest in front of the interest of my family. I betrayed them. Although, you might not be able to see it while you are in fog, or denial, once you are discovered, it is blatantly obvious. I have ruined my sonís life on two fronts Ė directly, by taking his base (family) away from him, and indirectly, by taking away his mother . He will never be the same again. Yes, he might be OK at the end, have a nice life, marry, have kids, be the pride of his parents, but he will never be the same. I have taken away his innocence, his dreams, I have given him problems that he was not suppose to face until much older, I have shaken his beliefs in people, world that surrounds us, I have made him to change emotionally. I have destroyed his link with his mother, trusts and bonds that were binding them, exposed him to her anger and pain.

Can I still be a good father? I donít think so. I have changed so much that Iím not capable of being a father with any kind of authority, I have become a man who is constantly bargaining trying to lessen the pain, who is completely lost in all the decision making. I can not lead by example and there is not much I can teach my son. I canít say any more what is wrong and what is right. But I still do, and I try, because, this is the only thing WS can do Ė not give up and hope for the best. So many times in my parenting I say things that I went directly against, and that disgusts me.


WH 50 years
BS 48 years
Married 24 years
Son 16 years
DD 1 - 15.11.10
DD2 - 18.2.11
DD3 - 25.4.11
Desperately trying to hang in tiny space left for me. Sober since DD1, no relapses, not even close.

Posts: 100 | Registered: Sep 2011
heartbrokennlost
♀ Member
Member # 37500
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was a WS in my first marriage. I told my XBS, I wanted to separate and date. The answer to your question is no, you cannot completely be a good parent. Previous poster is right, you put yourself and your needs before your kids. My children were teenagers at the time. Regardless of your intent, you cause them pain, and no matter what, it leaves a lasting affect on them.

I put my kids thru hell, not intentionally, but I caused them a lot of hurt. They really blamed me at the time. My friends kept telling me to put my kids first, that I shouldn't be dating. I didn't want to hear them, I told myself I deserved to have time for myself.

Another example is years ago, my Aunt cheated on her husband, eventually left him. In the process, she neglected my cousin, my mom, her sister and my grandma basically raised him from that point on. She didn't even attend his 8th grade graduation. He is 60 years old. He has never been able to commit to anyone, never married. His mom has been dead for about 17 years. On Easter Sunday he went to my mom and asked her if his mom left his dad for another man. He must have blocked most of it out because he was old enough at the time to remember. It's kinda sad that at 60 years old, he is still trying to figure it out.


Me-44
FWS-41
Son-18mnths
Son-18yrs
Son-22yrs
Son-18
Son-22
Son-17
Son-21

Posts: 87 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: heartbrokennlost
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:39 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you feel that someone can be a WS and a good parent?

Yes. I was a good mother then, even during the A. I did not flag in my attention to my kids.

But it depends on your definition of what a good parent is. I have a job now that requires me to work nights and so I am always tired and not fully engaged with my kids. I consider myself a worse mother now than during the A.

How has being a WS change the way you parent?

It did not.

However, being here and in therapy have given me a whole new way of thinking and being and I try to teach my kids those healthy concepts.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 10:48 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbrokennlost -

You came to SI as a BS. You are not allowed to answer questions as a WS on this thread. Thank you.




Posts: 30684 | Registered: Mar 2011
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is similar to the "good parent" question.

I have asked my WH how it was possible that in addition to never considering any consequences to his A, he never never thought about how his children would be affected.

Our kids were little when he began his 15 year affair. Had I found out in the beginning, I may not have considered R and our family unit may have been destroyed.

WH still claims that he never, ever thought about these things. He never asked himself how his actions may impact me or our kids.

As a WS, is this possible? Can the fog be so thick that for 15 years, he never once considered any possible fallout?

He still swears, 16 months from dday, "I didn't think about it, if I did, of course I would have done something about it"

I can not believe this. Thanks

[This message edited by FightingBack at 7:34 AM, April 4th (Thursday)]


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 658 | Registered: Feb 2012
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here with a question.

STBXH claims guilt and some sorrow over what he is doing, but he did it anyway and continues it.

D is in the process now and he is being served very soon.

I scream deep inside with jealousy because he is giving up so much for his A with people that frankly sound kind of bizarre.

I feel a sense of pulling out my own hair because he is letting go of 20 years for OW who bit....at him and throws fits and while I know I'm not supposed to dwell on it, IC says its part of the letting go process for me.

Yes, STBXH holds AP on a massively high pedestal and trashes me and M to myself and other people.

I just don't understand his thinking or how he behaves now-so juvenile and argues about anything.

Thank you for the little vent. I guess I just wanted to express jealousy at all the WS's who have remorse and really try to R, for mine pulled false R and I am still reeling from that.

A question would be, can anyone think why he would give up 20 years of his own work and family and I wonder if it will last-he talks to people of M and future with OW, but is all over dating sites and a multitude of women on fb?

Thank you.

I came on the WS thread in hope of some understanding of what may be in his head? He is NPD/AS/PA but the river of denial is so long and filled with bugs he doesn't see it. He asked in the summer, what is wrong with me? So knows something isn't right.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
disgracetoh.race
♂ Member
Member # 33491
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi FightingBack,
This is an same old, same old question that many BSís are asking. They are unable to understand. And they never will, probably with a reason.
My whole cheating journey was like a dream (not in a good sense, donít get me wrong). Why did I fall asleep is a different issue, and every one of us WSís might have different reasons. But it was a sleep.
I regarded myself as an intelligent person through my whole life. I didnít believe my brain can play games with me. Until I was discovered and realized that most of my life was a big lie and I was the last one to understand this.
I can not prove this to anybody, but just stating my thoughts would explain this
I thought I was a very good person. Genuine. Helping people at every chance, even when not asked.
I thought I was preserving my marriage and doing good for my family by cheating, because my sexual needs were not met and it would have been wrong to ask for a divorce
I thought I was an excellent father and provider, providing for my family, planning the secure future for all of us and heading into the sunset with my wife
I thought that my cheating was just a small, insignificant thing and that I spend on internet only fraction of my time
I thought that my sexual preferences were completely normal (well, all those people in porn movies are doing the same, so why wouldnít that be normal) and that my wife has simple low sex drive and this is something she should attend to
I thought I had high sex drive and that is the mark of my manhood.
I thought that I would never be caught and therefore, there was no reason to think about this any longer.
And never in all those years I thought that my actions would affect my son and my wife, that they might be hurt, destroyed, that Iím destroying our family, the only people that really meant something to me

After the discovery I went to my first CI, clueless woman who specializes in SA, who told me: ďI think you are a good man who has done something terrible. I believe that if somebody took you aside and explained you what you were doing you would have stopped immediatelyĒ and for some time I believed her. But, after a while I realized that my fog was so thick that even something like that wouldnít have changed me. I had to see the destruction by my own eyes, I had to see my dearest suffering to such an extreme, I had to tell the most gruesome things to the person I love, I had to hit the rock bottom. Even than, it took me quite some time to digest everything. First, there was an elusive search for a reason that didnít exist. Checking my childhood for abuses (there are always plenty), my character for diseases (there are plenty), understanding a bit about my selfishness, narcissism, cruelty, manipulations, passive-agresivness, mineralization techniques, compartmentalization and so on. The more I moved from my Ddays, the more I got disgusted by myself. And the more I learned to hate my picture in the mirror. And the more I couldnít explain and understand the fog I was in.
The fog is real, it is thick and it changes us completely. Why do we get into the fog, there are numerous reasons. But, once we get there, we donít see further from our nose. Are we just bad people, and the good people donít get into that situation, possible. Are we people with some kind of defect, possible too. But, that fog is real. Do we somehow develop that state so we can justify what we are doing to ourselves, most likely. But, once in there, we canít see clearly.

Iíve been two years on this site and have read many different stories. And realized that the fog is as real as anything else. People get into it and, usually after discovered, land hard in the real life that has nothing to do with their previous one. Some never find the way out, stay there forever. Some cry their lungs out for the rest of their lives, trying to figure out how did it happen to them. Many WSís are trying to explain that to their BSís and many BSís canít simply understand it.

Iím not saying this to look for excuse, to minimize what has been done, to say that what we have done needs forgiveness, kindness or any kind of empathy. It does not. We are still, mostly, grown up people, with our choices, our morals, our responsibilities, and what we have done can not have any excuse. There is something wrong with us, otherwise, everybody would be doing what we have done. Iím just pointing out that it is possible that your husband never thought that by doing what we was doing, he was putting your child in any kind of danger. It is possible to be that blind and that stupid. And I know this, because, Iíve been there.


WH 50 years
BS 48 years
Married 24 years
Son 16 years
DD 1 - 15.11.10
DD2 - 18.2.11
DD3 - 25.4.11
Desperately trying to hang in tiny space left for me. Sober since DD1, no relapses, not even close.

Posts: 100 | Registered: Sep 2011
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disgrace,

I thank you so very much for taking the time to respond to me and for sharing what must still be very painful for you.

You have opened a door to understanding and I will try to keep that door open. I hope you realize what your post means to me.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 658 | Registered: Feb 2012
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashland,

It's unlikely that an M to his OW will last. Sometimes those M's do last, but I think most don't. Shoot, he's on dating sites? He's wanting to marry a woman who helped him destroy 20 years and he feels good about that? I think it's likely he will self-destruct, but you never know.

NPD is something I don't know much about, other than it seems a more cruel situation than many others I read about here. A common theme among WS's though is that we are all as some level afraid to deal with our fears, the real problems which stem from FOO issues and other experiences in life, and we find this situation that gives us a brief respite from reality. For some it is brief, for others it can take years to work through, and for some (NPD) there is no turning around, it will always be someone else's fault.

As far as your MC telling you to not dwell on things, I disagree. You have to work through these things that have hurt you, and part of that involves thinking about them and really feeling those emotions. So, go ahead and dwell, but don't become stuck either.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

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