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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH83:

Just like anything else in life, you have to want it bad enough to go for it. It sounds like your WH is in the terrible phase of wallowing in self hatred which makes this healing process still all about him, just like his affair. It's a typical phase but one that is very unhealthy to stay in.

Saying he doesn't deserve help is a bunch of bull shit. You can't force him to get support on SI but you can make it a condition in R for him to read/post so in a way, it's your way of forcing him by making a stance on how R would go. Many SI BSs put this as a condition for their stubborn WS. The only thing is that you can't make him get anything out of it if he chooses to continue the path he's on.

On another note.. Has he done any reading? Have you gone to MC with him?


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
LovingHim83
♀ New Member
Member # 38296
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We do go to MC, our Dr. has tried getting him to do IC multiple times, even refering him to another person in another practice if it made him more comfortable. It's basically at the point where we're together half the session and the last half is him by himself. Our MC has diagnosed him with depression and has been talking to him about ways to cope, because my husband will not take medication. He will lose his military career if he's on anti-depressants, his rating does not allow for it.

This is beyond difficult. Because he needs help (the medication kind, both his sister and father are on regular medication for severe depression, bi-polar and anxiety) but doesn't want to lose his career. But this is ruining our marriage.


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jan 2013
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he doesnt want to be married to me any more, but doesnt regret marrying me in the first place. HOWEVER his affair went on for the entire 3 years we were married with an ex.

So my question is, why didnt he just stay with her to begin with? He is currently with her now although he says he is "just staying there for the moment." Yeah, right!!! AND he keeps texting me about he misses me AT TIMES (emphasis on at times) and knows he will regret it but is working on being a bachelor. SOOOOOO, why doesnt he just draw up the papers and files. Its clear he is where he wants to be (although last time I saw him, he looked like he got in a fight with an alley cat). But, hey, that aint my business. Im just saying....go do what you want to do and stop trying to get me to stop you...


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 647 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the one thing that is holding up total recovery, at least for me, is a lack of understanding of how he could have had such disrespect for me during the affair.
He had a seven year affair with a women that I knew very well. My daughter worked for her part-time, she leased a building from us for a business, and I was around her a lot, with and without him. She had a flower shop and he let her send me flower arrangements that she made for special occasions. If there was something going on downtown, parade, dance, etc., he would call me to come down and he would be with her (and others) and hug me and act glad to see me.

He even took me to a dance where she was. He and I danced and hugged and then sat with her and her husband.

He let me pay for things in her flowershop, even though he was screwing her AND not charging her rent.

He brought her to our home to screw her while I was at work keeping our life afloat.

I could go on and on, but I just can't understand those things. He says he really can't explain it. That he was crazy and not even himself. He never wanted to leave me, but continued with an affair.

If there are any waywards out there that can explain where your spouse was in your mind or heart while you were betraying them, I would love to hear it, even if it sounds mean. I think I could move forward quicker if I could just wrap my head around this. Thanks. K


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1182 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH83,

This may be a long shot, but if he can't take medication, is there a possibility that he could adjust his diet to try to deal with the depression?

Reading about some of the issues children have, and based on our experience with our DS, diet plays a huge part in behavior. It worked for our DS (subtle but noticeable. Maybe it could help your H.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NikkiD,

How do you come across with your communication? It sounds like he is trying to be the nice guy to" minimize the damage" which is really meant to try to let him believe he is maintaining his image. What if you cut him loose? NC? No response that let's him perceive anything other than you know he's an asshole? How would that change the dynamic?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kansas,

It's tough to know where your WH was at. We're each familiar with our own situations. Sometimes they match up fairly close. Sometimes they don't.

First off, based on a thread by sri recently, I'm not sure if your being able to understand this about your WH will hall you much. The fact is that he betrayed you and it Tran pretty deep.

I would imagine that your WH was good enough at compartmentalizing that he was genuinely happy to see you during those times. Deeper down, his deception of you showed his willingness to commit to the OW. There is a weird satisfaction that can be found in that. Pretty sick.

So, I don't have an answer for you. My situation was quite different. But I think your WH should be working to find an explanation that meets your expectations. Is he doing that level of work?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter,
Thank you SO much for a response. I do disagree with you on one point, that the answer to this burning question will fail to help me. I am a very pragmatic person and understand (and accept) human frailty and missteps. I am not particularly judgemental but this point is killing me.

He has always been a good and wonderful husband. I am the one who dropped the ball on our marriage, sexually and emotionaly. So I fully understand why he felt lonely, unloved, and, sad. No excuse for an affair of course, but he seems to be so frightened of hurting me further, that he clams up on this question.

I think compartmentalizing is really the answer, but I just need to hear it from him. He and I are so different, I didn't realize how much until now, in the way that we deal with serious issues. I am fiery and direct, and he has a tendency to avoid conflict and shuts down if conflict is what is facing him. I know and he knows that I am far superior to her in many ways, but at the time, she is what he needed. Someone to worship him and think he was the most wonderful man on the planet. He thought, I thought, he was a failure, which is really laughable if you know him. He is a high achiever. Anyway, thanks for responding, and any other insights you might have would help me much.

I should have read your profile before responding, but if you are the WS, how did you rationalize it?


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1182 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went on a 3 day vacation...day 2 we are driving down the road and an old "cheating song" comes on...husband starts singing along...I can't handle listening to this song much less hearing him say the words, so I turn it off and say I don't like that song. He says its only a song and doesn't speak to me for the next 20 minutes. I guess I could have turned it off and just started a conversation about something else, or said nothing, but I tried to just let it play and just couldn't ...was at that point of just screaming or getting out of car kind of anxiety. I just tried to move on and talk about our upcoming day and eventually he warmed up, but what should I have done? Can he really be so oblivious as to not understand that singing the words to a song like that is NOT going to hurt me?

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF

NikkiD,
How do you come across with your communication? It sounds like he is trying to be the nice guy to" minimize the damage" which is really meant to try to let him believe he is maintaining his image. What if you cut him loose? NC? No response that let's him perceive anything other than you know he's an asshole? How would that change the dynamic?

Im not sure yet. As of right now, I haven't responded to him since Sunday when he sent me a message saying "ur beautiful powerful and worth more than I could ever give you." He hasn't sent me anything else after that. So its been 4 days NC. My thought is to give him what he wants......


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 647 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
ellie1977
♀ New Member
Member # 38248
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you were in love with the OP how long did it take you to "get over them"? (for lack of a better way to put it)

Did you want to get over them?

How long before you were willing to get over them?


I'll also mention that it was a double betrayal for me too.


Me: BW 35 ~ almost 36
Him: WH 33~ almost 34
Married: 04/08/02
3 Kids
DD: Of PA and EA 12/31/12 knew before he admitted for 5 months
A: PA lasted 8 months EA lasted about 1 yr
OW: my cousin who was living with us the entire time of PA.
Hoping for R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2013
devotedfool68
♂ Member
Member # 38047
Question  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I get several opinions as to why a WW would not regret her A?

My WW rotates between IDK, my fault & today I heard

"all of the people that I have talked to about it say I must have been mostly out of love with you at the time"...

she is stubbornly holding to

"I don't regret it and I'm not sure why".

I have been surprised that the A was not a deal breaker but the "regret issue" may be.

Any opinions from waywards or examples of your own situatiion would be greatly appreciated.

[This message edited by devotedfool68 at 1:55 PM, February 21st (Thursday)]


Posts: 114 | Registered: Jan 2013
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

devotedfool68

TBH she seems to not want to admit to herself the true reasons she did what she did. IDK, it's your fault and "people say blah blah blah" are all her hiding from figuring out her whys. When you actually have to sit there and acknowledge what you did on that deep a level and then figure out why you did it...it's a tough pill to swallow, but necessary!! She needs to suck it up and start dealing with it like a responsible adult or gtfo in my opinion.

FWIW my situation was different. I confessed after my A got physical. Stopped it myself immediately and regret was also immediate. I didn't approach my whys until after DDay because I was hiding but once I did it was an avalanche of sheer, guilt, shame, regret, remorse and more. Regret came only when I admitted the wrong I had done against not only my SO but myself. Regret came when I acknowledged my actions as wrong. If she does not truly see the wrong in her actions you may never get the regret or remorse from her that you want to see. I'm sorry for your pain.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2379 | Registered: Oct 2012
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Frustrated  Posted: 6:00 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ellie1977,

I understand and agree with the "lack of a better term" qualifier.

It took me over two years to "get over" the AP.

No, at that time I did not want to get over the AP.

I started to see glimpses of reality, which I would say were those moments of "wanting to get over the AP" in the first six months after d-day, but I put up one he'll of a fight inside my own head.

It was messed up. Looking back know, it is the most embarrassing, stupid thing I've ever done.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

devoted,

Denial? Putting off taking responsibility? Hoping it will all go away? Rug-sweeping? Wishing that you won’t push it so she won’t really have to deal with it? Insert reason here…

Your wife’s knowledge/confirmation about her reasons is coming from folks who probably don’t know the whole truth (because she hasn't been 100% truthful with them) and may not have had any experience with infidelity. In short, she is cherry-picking.

The “I don’t regret it” line is a way for her to put off really thinking about what was going on in her head at that time. It’s a way for her to state a “reason” which will in turn cause you to work to come up with a reason for her, thereby allowing her to avoid doing any of the hard work a WS needs to be doing. Don’t buy into it.

After my EA faded, I pulled some similar lines and manipulated my BW into doing some of the work for me and working to try to get her to take responsibility for what I had done. It worked for a while. Eventually she found her strength and that was the point at which I knew things were going to really change, and not for the better if I kept on that same path (I like run-on sentences...and fragments). Reality set in. All sorts of different realities. And the one that really came through is that that I was fooling myself. My BW deserved better. And while she had made that decision to find better, I made that decision to be better.

It worked out for us. You’re WW has a ways to go, and it may fall to you to make the necessary changes which may (or may not) make your WW realize what she needs to do.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
devotedfool68
♂ Member
Member # 38047
Default  Posted: 3:46 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unagie and Baxter
Thank you for you replies. They are greatly appreciated. This is my biggest hurdle and would appreciate as many additional opinions as I can get.

Thanks in advance


Posts: 114 | Registered: Jan 2013
englishrose
♀ Member
Member # 34974
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can anyone help me understand why fWH changes his responses and explanations. He'll tell me one thing, albeit it's like getting blood from a stone, still, but then will say something completely different at a later date - this is usually when a particular point is mentioned once more and almost always some considerable time in to the future.

I've reckoned that this is because he's lied so much that he's forgotten what he's said - am I wrong.


me BW 46 WH 43
DS 7
DS's 21 & 19 (my boys - from my previous marriage)
Ddays 3&17/3/2011



Posts: 186 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: UK
the fsc
♂ Member
Member # 23028
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crossroads,

We are sometimes oblivious to what triggers our BS. I admit to being suprised and caught off guard sometimes to a trigger for my W...but I would rather she tell me immediately than hold it in and attempt to cope on my account. I find that I'm not the most understanding when confronted in these situations, but ultimately that trigger will be a trigger for me as well (should have been all along, frankly). On another note, I am a person who loves a good song but will completely miss the message of the lyrics...while my W knows the entire meaning of the same song. If your H is the same way, perhaps you need to point this out to him? Unless, of course the lyrics are glaringly obvious.


WH - (45) Me
BS - (44) Her (Redrock)

D Day 3/23/2008
Easter


Posts: 165 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Michigan
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

englishrose,

You're probably right, that he lost track of the lies, especially if this is happening after a longer period of time. I remember a couple of times when my BW reminded me what I said earlier. It's sort of jolts you a bit when it happens.

The bigger concern would be the fact that he isn't talking about things freely. That should be addressed sooner rather than later.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
englishrose
♀ Member
Member # 34974
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you Baxters

How do I persuade fWH to talk, to tell me what I need to know? I'm struggling and feel so muddled and confused.

it's a living hell


me BW 46 WH 43
DS 7
DS's 21 & 19 (my boys - from my previous marriage)
Ddays 3&17/3/2011



Posts: 186 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: UK
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