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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would waywards wish they never met their affair partner?

This is a great question. Wow.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
DWBH
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Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would waywards wish they never met their affair partner? What if they were an affair partner when they met their current wayward? Gets kinda dicey right?

We know bad marriages aren't the cause of cheating. We know a spouse's/partner's actions and behaviors isn't a cause of cheating so if the wayward didn't meet the affair partner would they be considered faithful even though those thought processes and coping skills where lurking all the time?

I hear ya, and agree it's not a "productive" line of questioning, but unfortunately, it's one that I think every BS goes through at some point in the journey. I used to think that my W's A was a 'perfect storm' of events... that it only happened because of the very close friendship we had with her AP and his wife.

But now I realize that "something" would have broke, regardless of this specific AP putting on the moves, and pursuing my W (meaning an A would have likely occurred either earlier, or later). Our M was 'broken', and her coping mechanism was there, and would have manifested some way, with some one.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW had a 3 yr LTA with a coworker. We are 1.5 yrs out from Dday. My WW initially did some work but has shut down over the last few months. I was ready to basically file in January until I read the WS FAQ and this string and read about compartmentalization and one of the posts that Teach8 made. I realize I can't "fix" my wife but I do want to feel like I have tried everything I can before ending it.

She has repeatedly said that she doesn't deserve me and I should find someone that will love and treat me the way I should be treated. She has her issues and as soon as we start getting into those she runs.

Right now I believe she is compartmentalizing her feelings good and bad about me and the marriage so she won't have to deal with them. At the same time she is doing everything she can to keep busy, going back to school, volunteering, getting more into church, spendign more time with the kids. If this makes any sense what she says out of her mouth does not match her actions. She says she wants to leave, build a house, sit on the porch and watch the kids but takes no steps to do anything about it. What I belive she is doing is trying to get me to make the decision for her to end the marriage.

My question is did any of you go through anything like this where you pushed your spouse away intentionally and if so any advice on what would have helped you to get that little extra push to work on things. I was doing the 180 and that got her to stat talking again. We had a good 2 weeks but I don't want to push it. I am fully prepared to keep at the 180 for myself because I am worn out and need to get myself straight but I don't think she wants to leave. She just doesn't know how to get going again and I am willing to take baby steps.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
WalkinOnEggshelz
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Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsflushed,
At the same time she is doing everything she can to keep busy, going back to school, volunteering, getting more into church, spendign more time with the kids.

I think she is definitely avoiding the issues at hand. At a year and a half out, she may feel that enough time has passed that it is no longer necessary to make her A the focal point of your lives because it makes her feel really bad about herself. She may be saying to herself that she really is a decent and good person and she is proving it by volunteering and spending more time with the kids. These are actions that she would ascribe to good people, see what I'm saying? And lastly, if she is a good person and doing all of these things then she will not be the bad guy when you say the M is over. In her mind, she will have tried. It will be on you that after so much time, you were just unable to move on.

I say this because based on your post, she does not appear to be working on herself. Is she in IC? If not, I recommend she go, clearly neither one of you are done. If she continues to run from her issues, the two of you have very little chance of healing together.

We had a good 2 weeks but I don't want to push it.

If it was working why would you change course? It seems to me that you are still afraid to lose her. Is she just as afraid to lose you? Because personally, the idea of intentionally pushing my BH away again would absolutely scare the crap out of me. My BH has vigilance when it comes to my moods. If he notices a change in how I am treating him, we are talking about it. End of story. He refuses to part of an argument that takes place inside my head in which he gets no say in. So even if we are arguing, its better than silence. Honestly, when I'm angry is when I can be the most articulate about how I feel because the anger over powers the shame. So, if it weren't for pushing, we wouldn't be where we are (which is actually in a pretty good place).

Good Luck


Me: WS 41
Him: BH 42 (holdingtogether)
M: 17 years, together 21
2 Daughters: 12 and 9
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

walkingoneggshelz: She was initially in counseling then stopped. We have been in false R for awhile. I guess I am just trying to reassure myself that the decision I have made is the right one. And I know it is but I still find myself grasping at straws some days.

I got past the afraid to lose part and I am sticking with the 180 for myself. Just trying to figure out my spouse but as I am reading that can be futile. I commend those of you that do turn it around.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs -

What I belive she is doing is trying to get me to make the decision for her to end the marriage.

You need to stop trying to figure out her motivations. Decide what you want and observe her ACTIONS. What is going on inside her head doesn't matter.

She just doesn't know how to get going again

You are lying to yourself. She can "get going again" if she wants to. Don't treat her like a child.

You specify your requirements and observe how well she tries to reconcile. If she does not, then you figure out how you live with it or not. You cannot control her.

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 7:57 PM, October 30th (Tuesday)]


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DWBH -

That you would have turned back the clock and never married your spouse?

I wish I had married someone I didn't care about so that it wouldn't have been this marvelous man that I hurt. But I cannot regret anything in my life - I do not savour all the events, but they are mine and made me who I am.

At the risk of being lacerated, I have remorse but not regret.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would waywards wish they never met their affair partner?

It would merely have been someone else.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, October 31st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^ this. It would have happened probably years later though. The silver lining of this sh*t cloud is I'm dealing with my issues now.

But yeah I do wish I had never met AP anyway. Even discounting the A, he is not a person who makes this world a better place. His soul is black and dead.

I am trying to enrich my life with healthy people who are good for me. Seems simple, but my eyes were not truly open before and I did not surround myself with the right kind of attitudes.

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 4:49 AM, October 31st (Wednesday)]


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
NothngElseMattrs
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Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, October 31st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is, for those WS' who have R'd, or are trying to R, did you ever feel the same way? That you would have turned back the clock and never married your spouse? Did you regret the decision to be with your spouse to the point you wished it'd never have happened?

Oh and to answer this. Honestly I wish he had let me go when he was having his A. I married him thinking here was the truest, most honest and loyal man and he will be the father of my children and we will happily grow old together. I don't regret marrying him because I made the best decision I could with te facts I had in hand. He did too, I suppose, not knowing that I was capable of having an A.

That said, knowing what I know now, I wish he had let me go years ago to be with OW. I do think he would have been happier with her. As for me, I wish I had magically been able to fix my issues and get IC without having to be precipitated to do so by having an A.

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 4:59 AM, October 31st (Wednesday)]


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
rbecke1
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Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This question is for WS.

When your BS does a 180 and performs the NC - what does that do to you all? Does it:
- upset you?
- confuse you?
- piss you off?
- make you wonder about them?
- view them now as a challenge?
- miss them more?
- thank about them more?
- make you want to see them in person?
- second guess yourself?

What does it actually do to you or did to you when it happened?

Thanks

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 7:27 AM, November 1st (Thursday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
rachelc
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Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would waywards wish they never met their affair partner?

yes, because what I did hurt his life as well as crushing my husband. Would it have been someone else - I doubt it, but something would have happened - I was unhappy and wasnt' dealing with my shit.

That you would have turned back the clock and never married your spouse? Did you regret the decision to be with your spouse to the point you wished it'd never have happened?

no, no regrets. He is great and a wonderful provider. I wish we would have had extensive MC due to our FOO issues, our youth, and the fact that we had 3 kids in the first year of our marriage. We had an uphill battle to climb and needed assistance. Last night we were wondering how we survivied having 3 kids in diapers and one income... and I was 22 and clueless.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3624 | Registered: Dec 2010
Unagie
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Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would waywards wish they never met their affair partner?

Everyday. But my unhappiness and my hiding from myself would still be there or something else would have happened. My sadness and my need to fix how bad I had let myself get would still be there. I wish everyday I had never met him, I had met him and had the sense to do nothing when the offer was being made, to recognize the stupidity I was about to do. I wish I had recognized the shit that was wrong with me and my mental state. All the things I've dug down deep and discovered about myself, all the things I have done to heal and make sure R works to make us both happy people. I wish I had done all of it before. I wish I had done it all and never met him or that if I did he would've stayed meaning nothing the way he did for the first couple months.

Everyday......


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2359 | Registered: Oct 2012
phoenix54
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Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. We have struggled through R and it was brutal the first few months. Definitely up and down. It seems like she may finally be starting to "get it" although we still have rough patches. We're coming up on 6 months post d-day. Why has it taken this long for her to finally come around? Thanks.


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix -

We're coming up on 6 months post d-day. Why has it taken this long for her to finally come around?

For all the pretty talk that an affair is just "fantasy" and that someone should just snap out of it... an affair consists of real feelings.

How long did it take for you to get over ex-girlfriends? As wrong as it is, it takes time to get over an affair partner.

And only then can someone's head clear up enough to focus on the right things.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
phoenix54
♂ Member
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unexpected -

Thanks. Does that mean I can expect her to begin seeing her AP for what he truly is?


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does that mean I can expect her to begin seeing her AP for what he truly is?

See him as he is or as you perceive him?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
lostmylight55
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Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix54

It seems like she may finally be starting to "get it" although we still have rough patches. We're coming up on 6 months post d-day. Why has it taken this long for her to finally come around?

I don't really know your story but I'm not sure what your definition of "get it" is because that can be vague. I don't know if it involved breaking NC within those 6 months or TT or whatever so is it really an accurate representation of time. This can mean a lot of things to different situations.

Does that mean I can expect her to begin seeing her AP for what he truly is?

Maybe the better way to look at it is, her seeing herself for what she truly was/is.

I didn't want to face what I degraded to so I didn't want to admit that the AP was a negative because that would mean that I was also a negative because we were on the same level. Which was far less than I built myself up to be. That changed over time when I started examining what I did and who I had become. It was not an easy pill to swallow.



As wrong as it is, it takes time to get over an affair partner.

UnexpectedSong, I respect your insight and have gotten a lot out of your posts but I just want to let BS's know it's not that way in every case, though that might be the case for phoenix. In my situation, I ended my A – I wanted it over. I was relieved to be done with my A and did not have withdrawal symptoms that I read about here. I was immediately focused on self preservation and trying to salvage my M. I made a lot of regrettable errors after DDay but luckily for me, missing or pining away for the AP was definitely not one of them.


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Oct 2011
Tred
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Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostmylight,

Appreciate your answering questions in this forum, but your response to US brought up a question of my own. You said that you were able to drop your AP cold turkey (which is great). Part of US's response also included the following:

an affair consists of real feelings.

In the context of reading US's post, I took that as it takes time to get over the AP as there are real feelings involved. I'm just curious if you (or any WS reading this) had real feelings for the AP yet were able to drop them on DDay. If that was the case, then how would you describe the feeling you had for your AP? Thanks again to all the WS who answer in here.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3294 | Registered: Dec 2011
uncertainone
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Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think US was addressing the situation that she was answering where the WW did have difficulty letting go. To dismiss the feelings as fantasy ignores the simple fact that regardless if "you" feel those feelings are rational, based on reality, right, they exist.

If a person believes they've been burned their skin will react as if it has, in fact been burned. Turns red, blisters, can even scar. So is there really a difference between "reality" and "fantasy" if the individual believes?

I also think it can depend on who ends it. I ended it and felt nothing. No pining. No walks down memory lane. Done. Don't call me again.

If the WS is dumped the rejection can magnify, intensify, assigning meaning because of the pain felt not understanding it's the pain of rejection not the loss of the individual that is being suffered.

I say this alot here. It's to try to get some to see that some of this very mystifying (to some BS's) feelings are not only found among waywards.

I think, and have seen here more than just a few times, a BS will admit the wayward is not a catch at all an they themselves were seriously rethinking the marriage but the affair makes them hang on like they'll drown without them even as they list the very unattractive characteristics possessed by said wayward. So why are they hurting? Same reason. Rejection.

You can see them cling if the wayward is unremorseful and cruel yet if the wayward comes around then they seem to find the balm and safety to say, "I don't want to be with them even though they're doing all they can".

It would be so awesome if we could turn off feelings for undesirable people but brain chemicals, childhood abandonment issues, personality, past experiences unresolved can make for some pretty toxic maelstroms of shit to wade through and sort out.

That's why I hate seeing the 180 tossed around like a "how to win him/her back" rather than the self healing it can be when focused right. Internally for yourself.

Trust me, you don't want someone "back" that is reacting to the dysfunctional push pull rather than the extraction of their head from their ass and wanting to put in the hard work.

That's why so many reconciliations look anything but. R is WS driven, once its offered. If it isn't, how can it honestly work?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


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