Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: goingunder (43138)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlove -

I am detached from him but not my kids and they are the ones with father wounds. I just was asking to hear from WS or fws to try to understand how a ws would sell their soul at the expense of their family? Pretty big question I thought!!

I understand. But you have asked this question in many ways on this forum. You have tried different wording, tried different times to get different responses. The facts are: the WSes on here did not leave; many WSes would never hurt their kids (except for the affair); and you cannot make rationality out of irrationality. Your H needs to figure out his own reason - you cannot figure it out for him.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pjk -

To me, if she wasn't thinking of me at all would be far worse than her still thinking of me yet carrying on with her A.

That's fine. You only need to know how you feel. For another BS, being thought about in the A is worse. Everyone's pain triggers are different.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SBB -

There was never any remorse so I have chosen the right path this time.

It doesn't matter if there was remorse. Intentions don't matter, only his actions and how you feel. If he was the most remorseful person in the world, but he was too afraid to show it so he covered it up with anger and rugsweeping, it doesn't matter what he is feeling.

Own your own crap. But not his. You do not need to see that microscopic sliver of remorse and then feel guilty for deciding this is a deal breaker. Don't own his crap. You only need to see his macroscopic behavior and decide from there.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
pjkmkjm23
♂ Member
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

US: I get that. Others may feel far more hurt if they are thought of during the A.

I want to thank you and all the other WS on here who are taking their time to try and answer these difficult questions. I have been at SI for a few months now and can't believe I never read this thread before. I've got more help from just this thread than anything else I believe...and that's in large part due to you WS, so thank you very much again I'm now going to try and find the previous parts to this thread and read them too.

One last thing...US, IMO you have a gift at answering questions here and being very straightforward, speaking the truth and not just saying what a BS wants to hear! I suppose some may not like the directness, especially at first when everything is so raw, but I think it's so important to be direct and not sugarcoat things either. Thank you again!

P.S. this is not to say other WS are not as good or helpful here. I appreciated all comments whether they were for me or someone else. I only just started reading through part 7 and now will read the previous ones and I'm sure I will find other posters I'm very impressed with too (Baxter BFF comes to mind too!)

[This message edited by pjkmkjm23 at 12:01 PM, October 21st (Sunday)]


Me (BS) - 40
Her (EX) - 47
3 kids - D13, S12, D6.
M 15yrs, together ~17 yrs.
DD#1: Sept. 2004 mOM #1 (rugswept, I forgive...eventually)
DD#2: May 2012 mOM #2 (she walked-away)
Divorced: July 2013
Custody battle from hell: ongoing :-(

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Own your own crap. But not his. You do not need to see that microscopic sliver of remorse and then feel guilty for deciding this is a deal breaker. Don't own his crap. You only need to see his macroscopic behavior and decide from there.

It's a relatively easy thing to do as a wife - enormously difficult as a mother. My guilt is for them. Its hard not to feel like I've let them down but I'm like a gambler here who keeps throwing good money after bad.

I know I must get to this place because the other options are doing me harm.

His actions now are dealbreakers for me as a wife and as a mother.

Marvellous articulated - I will read and re-read it over and over during the dips on this damned rollercoaster. Thank you US.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4495 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wh and I are 6 mos. Into R. He has really been wonderful. Remorseful, transparent, supportive and thoughtful. But for the past week I've been in a different place...not sure if I am entering a new stage of this process? I really feel like I need him to start really digging deep about his issues. That led him into and kept him in a 7 year affair. We do communicate a lot and he is willing to answer all of my questions, but I need him to begin starting these conversations. He is in ic and we are in mc, but I'm not feeling like he is delving into the important stuff. I want to talk about the why's and how's of how all this happened. I love my wh. I want him to be better for himself and for our marriage. Am I pushing too hard? Is this still a little soon to expect someone who has never communicated his feelings before to be ready for conversations like this. I am ready and I feel like we really need to, but again, I don't know how hard to push. Grateful for any advice.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
Frasierkev
♂ New Member
Member # 36875
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW has been in an affair now with a coworker for a year now. She asked for a divorce in August and it was only weeks later that I discovered everythng about the affair sans seeing them together. We have (3) kids that she wants to move to another state to be closer to her COM. Of course I am fighting it thru my attorney.

I have accepted her affair and am doing the 180 and moving on. However she still has this deep seated hate for me and has said I was the cause for the affair and everything bad in the marriage. And of course, she said the marriage was doomed from the very start(actually she said it was doomed when we first started dating 5yrs before our 12 yr long marriage!)

So question for all is whether her hate for me will ever subside (am hoping just for the kids sake and so we can have even simple agreeable conversations regarding moving forward)?


Posts: 47 | Registered: Sep 2012
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're probably responsible for the car problems and for the weeds in the yard too, right?

Her hate for you has two parts. One - She isn't getting her way, so it's your fault she can't be "happy."
Two - It is probably self-hatred that she is projecting onto you.

Don't let her take the easy way out. Don't let her rewrite the marital history. Out the A to everyone you can. Take away her fantasy.

Her hate shouldn't be of a concern to you right now. Her hate is her own issue. Fight with all you have. Get into the D/S forum and take a crash course.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teach8,

You have two choices, force it or give him more time. If you give him more time, then he will likely push it as long as he can. He might get pissed if you push him to move more quickly, but if that is what you need, then do it.

Transparency is easy. Being supportive and thoughtful can be easy for many because it takes the pressure off. Is he remorseful only because he hasn't been pushed out of his comfort zone?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Angry  Posted: 10:39 PM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question - You can read my profile but I have 2 great beautiful boys (3 1/2 AND 7) - here is my question - how can a mother who could never be without a day of seeing her boys all the sudden want to be with a guy who has had a protective order against him for almost committing suicide with himself and his daughter for cheating on his first wife and domestic violence on top of that - bankruptcy - 2 divorces -

leave her happy home with her highly ranked gov husband who gave her everything - doesnt smoke or drink - just paid for everything to have her family or her go to her country (colombia) how could she not see her kids when we now have them (50/50 custody) and live with herself just because she wants to be with a total loser who is 9 years older then her (I am one year older) will not take the kids to church anymore - I do every Sunday - and the guy is broke - no money - and took all the jewlery I bought her - is the FOG that controlling/make you that stupidly crazy? this makes no sense to anyone who knows her including her own psychotherapist - who says she is delusional.

She said she wanted more romance and passion - thats it - probably only wanted something new - WTF? Can any WS relate to this totally insane BS this makes no freakin sense at all - I know the fog makes no sense but this completely makes no freakin sense? I mean her own parents/family/sisters/cousins/friends/anyone who freakin knows her - won't speak to her anymore. Everyone thinks she made the dumbest mistake not only by having an affair which is terrible with 2 small kids - but with a jackass like this... I have a masters - extremely high rank in the gov and have gotten her friends jobs - this dude is a completely loser who has a no where job...

all of this over a complete loser guy... she didn't upgrade - she downgraded by 4 levels with this sad excuse for a human being...

Anyone with insight from a WS point of view would be greatly appreciated...trying to make sense out of stupidty - but if there is someone out there who could help - that would be nice...

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 10:58 PM, October 21st (Sunday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for responding Baxters. I think you nailed it. Now that we are getting to the really hard stuff...I think it is still just easier for him to avoid it. Thanks for your response.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rbecke, I think it sounds like she is looking for a rock bottom to hit. Some WS "need to", and "rock bottom" is different for everyone. For me, being with OM once was enough for me to realize that I had just effed up my life and my M. I can only be glad that it wasn't worse, I already proved I was capable of so much worse than I thought I was.

I am willing to bet she hasn't hit her bottom yet, so this could get worse still if it hasn't already. I know you'll take care of your boys, they need you.

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 6:53 AM, October 22nd (Monday)]


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Heidi31
♀ Member
Member # 10571
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please PM me with your answers as I have a hard time weeding through all the other posts in here, TY

My Questions for the WS is: and Im look for answers that can help my husband feel related to,
OK When everything first went down and DDay occured did you feel unsure about staying in the marriage? were you confused about your own emotions/feelings for the marriage? How did you overcome it?


Separated
BS-me 38
WS-32
DDAY #1-April 16,2006
DDAY#2 10/6/12 fucking the 19 year old babysitter!
Does the knife in my chest make my Boobs look bigger??

Posts: 1679 | Registered: May 2006 | From: MAINE
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for responding - NothngElseMattrs.

Is it that the "FOG" makes you so dillusional - that you are now able to detach yourself from your own kids?

Also, if the "FOG" is that powerful - does it also change your personality as in do you personally change like as when a person who is on "drugs" they all the suddenly change as well and start to "act" differently - become a different person when they are on drugs? (I have no idea cause I have never even tried a cigarette) - I hope that question makes sense...I'm thinking like everyday life - work etc - interacting with people - do you become "different" in some sort of way or fashion. Do people "notice" that you are acting/behaving/being different or are you the same person - just have in your mind - you have a "new" boyfriend/girlfriend and life is great...

Yea - that was my H - he's a good guy - great dad - but the passion is just not there anymore - passion is more important to me then money or our kids or reality/bills...and so what if this guy (OM) has domestic violence or protection order for trying to take his life and his daughters life or bankruptcy or 2 divorces..we have "passion" - thats whats missing in my life...Mind you this loser couldn't get a "single" chick - with his baggage so he has to go for the married one...WTF

Not a care in the world during normal everyday life (when your not around OP)


To me - none of this makes any sense what so ever - so any WS out there that can shed some "real" insight would help us all out...


She was posting on FB that "true friends" stick by you through good and bad - (cause they all think she is bat crazy and don't want anything to do with her anymore) till someone said "well the same can be said about marriage" - she took down that post down very quickly.. (she's trying to play the victim)

Thanks

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 9:05 AM, October 22nd (Monday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rbecke -

but the passion is just not there anymore

You are looking in the wrong direction. Stop this! Your W's affair had nothing to do with the state of your M.

And I have told you already - she has to do the digging herself.

This is what she needs to do in therapy. Describe every romantic relationship she has ever had. Describe every friendship she has had - male and female. Dig very deep into exactly how her parents' dysfunction affected her. Dig deep to see how she felt about having kids.

You do not have this data.

The OM is not special. He happened to be available when her perfect storm occurred and he said "yes". A well-educated man who was kind to his kids probably saw her and stayed away from her. The scum was in the right place at the right time and he was the type to be the OM.

Please stop looking at your M. It had nothing to do with her affair.

She has demons you know nothing about. She was a time bomb that was predetermined to go off. You are the collateral damage.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frasierkev -

whether her hate for me will ever subside

I have no idea.

When did she start hating you? When did you observe her distancing herself from you?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again UnexpectedSong

She has demons you know nothing about. She was a time bomb that was predetermined to go off. You are the collateral damage.

This all makes total sense too


This is what she needs to do in therapy. Describe every romantic relationship she has ever had. Describe every friendship she has had - male and female. Dig very deep into exactly how her parents' dysfunction affected her. Dig deep to see how she felt about having kids.

You do not have this data.

The OM is not special. He happened to be available when her perfect storm occurred and he said "yes". A well-educated man who was kind to his kids probably saw her and stayed away from her. The scum was in the right place at the right time and he was the type to be the OM


This is great information - I can let go again because this makes total sense....

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 9:10 AM, October 22nd (Monday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
pjkmkjm23
♂ Member
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rbecke1: I don't know if other BS are supposed to answer but I just had to for you because it's almost scary to me how similar our situations are. Other than your WW coming from another country and the fact that we have 1 more kid than you do, everything else is almost the same! I just wanted to let you know that maybe this isn't that unusual a messed up experience you're going through.

My STBXWW left the kids and I for an older man (also her boss) who has a history of cheating. He's also tried committing suicide and has even recently threatened his own D with doing so again. Just before DDay, she began spending tons of time dressing up and after DDay, bought all new clothes and changed/improved her look...I barely recognize her now. She's a completely different person who has alienated all her friends and family, yet blames me for this. She desperately is trying to play the victim and portraying me as the bad guy....yet she left the kids with me for almost 4 months and barely had anything to do with them (although 3 weeks ago she suddenly seems to have interest in them again). She is beyond mad at me and I don't even know why. NC is my best friend and a big part of why I don't know either. She has surrounded herself with some new friends that are low-life's IMHO...woman who seem to be ok with A's, and one that has 4 kids each with a different father. And probably the biggest coincidence is that I've been asked multiple times now if STBXWW is on drugs! They say she seems high all the time and even her OM seems to too which is apparently out of character for him.

Every time I read your posts I have this eerie feeling...I even wondered if I was posting in my sleep or something under a different alias lol! I have many of the same questions you do. I think, because I am farther along than you are and I've received a lot of valuable help from the good people here at SI, that I've come to the conclusion that this is all fairly common WS in the fog behavior and there is nothing, absolutely nothing we can do. We have to NC and ride it out. Only our WW's can either save themselves or lose everything and its probably best for us to focus on moving forward without them...for ours and our kids sake. It's sad, I know...and I'm still struggling everyday...but we are powerless to do anything other than focus on ourselves. Good luck to you :)


Me (BS) - 40
Her (EX) - 47
3 kids - D13, S12, D6.
M 15yrs, together ~17 yrs.
DD#1: Sept. 2004 mOM #1 (rugswept, I forgive...eventually)
DD#2: May 2012 mOM #2 (she walked-away)
Divorced: July 2013
Custody battle from hell: ongoing :-(

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for replying. Can someone please answer this only because I think this may help out others here...

Also, if the "FOG" is that powerful - does it also change your personality as in do you personally change in the same aspect as when a person who is on "drugs" they all the suddenly change as well and start to "act" differently - become a different person when they are on drugs? (I have no idea cause I have never even tried a cigarette) - I hope that question makes sense...I'm thinking like everyday life - work etc - interacting with people - do you become "different" in some sort of way or fashion. Do people "notice" that you are acting/behaving/being different or are you the same person - just have in your mind - you have a "new" boyfriend/girlfriend and life is great...

This "FOG" just seems so freakin powerful that an affair seems to force people to distroy their whole lives...

Also, what is up with the WS blaming and hating the BS so much? That seems to be a common theme...Is it that you need someone to blame and so instead of yourself you blame your spouse even though "you" are the one "cheating" distroying everything like a bull in a china shop...

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 2:07 PM, October 22nd (Monday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
UR_AN_IDIOT
♀ Member
Member # 18764
Red  Posted: 12:42 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pjkmkjm23,

BS's are not to answer questions on this thread.

Thank you


Me:BW 48
FWH: 50

Married 25 years
DD 23 DS 21
Reconciled


Posts: 12696 | Registered: Mar 2008
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.