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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for you all reply. Here is my reply to this crazy situation.

So, about your wife. You say she's not "her" anymore. I honestly don't understand that statement anymore than I understand how some post they're not "me" anymore after going through this shit
.

Why do I say this - because when she was going through this at our house - she never watched tv anymore or would did normal things anymore - make food - do the laundry - clean anything - just locked herself in her room. Did not hang out with her kids anymore or do anything normal anymore. just tried to sneak out to be with this much older guy.

Also, when she moved into her new appt after leaving our house and not telling me - just sent me a text message - her sister came to help watch the kids and she said my wife would just come home from work - mind you she never worked full time in her life - and said hi to the 2 little boys - told her sister she would be right back and stayed out till very late at night. Did that for a full week till her sister threaten to leave cause she was grossed out.

I hear "if she'd just wake up". She's not asleep. She's very aware and making choices. You just don't happen to like them. Who would? She isn't someone else. She is exactly who she is.

This guy is 9 years older then her - has a protection order against him from his own child (tried to take his life and hers) and ex spouse - demostic volience - 2 other divorces and bankruptcy. We - my spouse and I have never gone through this but now it seems she likes the bad boy/drama situation and this guy is telling her what to do. Controls her emails accounts and FB accounts - She is obsessed with him and the form that he has perhaps brain washed her or she has allowed that to happen.

Affairs are not this weird concept. When some post copies of txts the WS sent to the OP they look much like any new relationship. Do you remember dating your wife? How did you feel? Did you feel that high when you talked? Think about her all the time? Obsess about when you'd see her? If so then it's not really a mystery.

I have never obsessed about a girl so I can't relate. I have always had girlfriends but I don't obsess about them and would leave my own kids. this affair is probably not like any affair you guys have ever been in - so I do not think you can shed much light.

Her father had an affair on her mother and my wife had to kick him out of the house and her mother cried every day for 3 years and her mothers eyes would not open anymore - Had to have them surgerically repaired - yes u read that correctly - Her mother did not sleep or eat much during those 3 years and my wife had to take care of her 3 younger sisters. That is why her father finally coming to the US might have had a trigger effect in her as well.

I can understand being attracted to the opposite sex and being married - heck - I used to get hit on all the time cause I work in DC and Miami where there are a lot of girls - would I get with them - no - why? cause I could see where that would take me and how that would effect my family and children/friends/ everyone. But this situation with her - its beyond that - theres a controlling factor - and other things going on that like you have said - i can probably figure it all out - but she is the one who would have to admit to it - I am hoping she doesnt before she does too much damage for anyone to recover from - but its probably past that anyway.

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 7:31 PM, October 14th (Sunday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this affair is probably not like any affair you guys have ever been in - so I do not think you can shed much light.

Exactly.

By the same token, you cannot understand her, either. She is the only one who can figure this out.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rebeckl, you say you don't understand the 'obsession'. What are you experiencing now? The logical (as you say you like to think) reaction to someone that has perpetrated these actions against you and your family would be to distance, exile her, forget her. That's not how many very logical sane people react after betrayal, is it? Have you lurked here? Have you read the stories? People react very strongly and obsess quite a bit for a while.

Relationships, love, hate, rejection, is a very different thing. People that are very together can be leveled by this shit. You're here trying to figure out someone that has proven not worthy of you or your children, right? So maybe you can see a little of how someone who has far fewer tools in her arsenal than you copes.

I would bet with time and distance you'll see more holes and deficits she possessed that enlighten your forensic analysis much more.

By your description her actions don't surprise me very much.

Looking at her childhood and how she coped may help you identify a healthy partner going forward.

My point was she is who she is now and that's what you have to deal with. Pool your resources for you and your boys.

It's a process. Baby steps


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You all seem to be talking about a subject that I am really trying to understand. One of my best friends has gotten herself into an affair. She came to me about 2 months ago and I told her she was being crazy. This guy seems sociopathic and dangerous. I realize she is in a terrible marriage, her husband is BP, an alchoholic and has been abusive in the past. But this is not the way to deal with it. She seemed to have stopped for a few weeks. Then she kind of went AWOL from talking to me the last couple of weeks, she's at it again. She called me yesterday to meet with her because she needed to talk. It has turned into a crazy circus. This man's ex-wife is involved. I just don't understand, she seems to be high over this drama.

So my question is what could a friend of a WS have said to you in the middle of your craziness to get you to really listen? She says she agrees and then gets sucked right back into this drama.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, hearing, "Dude, really? Gross." would have been enough but my A didn't go very long.

I don't know if there's much you can say that you probably haven't already. She gets sucked back into the crazy because deep down, she wants to, is my guess. I read a post earlier today about an A being a form of self-harm. If her M is so toxic, she may be doing this to inflict ("controlled") pain on herself.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if there's much you can say that you probably haven't already. She gets sucked back into the crazy because deep down, she wants to, is my guess. I read a post earlier today about an A being a form of self-harm. If her M is so toxic, she may be doing this to inflict ("controlled") pain on herself.

Maybe it is a self punishment. She is a recovering anorexic and I have never seen her like this, we became friends after that. It really kind of scares me.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma - if there is anything that wakes your friend up please share that information with us all.
thanks


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But this is not the way to deal with it.

No it's not. So how does someone with no self esteem or tools deal with all of a sudden saying enough, breaking up her family and basically going it alone with kids when they may not be financially, emotionally, ready and have not much support system?

She was in pain. She found something that provided some relief. When you're dying of thirst you're not running credit checks on the person that brings you water.

It's not about being asleep or self harm, always. She had that in her current life. Alcoholics, untreated BP, abusive aren't cake walks to live with. We can be very myopic when we're in pain not to mention a bit narcissistic. 

I know it seems so hard to grasp when 'you' feel those waywards are so different. Some may be different in the choices they make to cope with shit but there are more than a few BS's in horrible situations here. We read their stories. We beg them to leave and get out of their toxic situations. Is the choice to stay a healthy choice in those situations? 

Affairs are horrifically damaging. There are other choices that aren't worlds better. Betraying yourself is just substituting the predator and not outsourcing. 

[This message edited by uncertainone at 6:33 AM, October 15th (Monday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case my spouse just seems to want to keep hurting me - she now is trying to get full custody - mind you I am employed by the gov - Have never even smoked a cigerette in my life - never cheated on her and my fault was paying more attention to the kids then her - she just seems to want to hurt me as much as possible - I have no other answers for that - she is just in love with the drama now. She is about to go completely broke cause I won't give her any money to fuel her affair. She is in total crazy town.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just FYI, my friend seems to have gotten it. What she said made her realize it was when I pointed out that this was like her issue with food. She was just letting herself get way out of control. We shall see but at least she seems to be out of crazy town.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear how it turned out, Missy


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Stillhere97
♀ Member
Member # 36122
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just have a question about questions. I have asked all my questions in all different ways. I have gotten many answers, but there are some he says he doesn't know why. I doesn't know what he was thinking. Do any ws' not have answers to why or what they were thinking? I don't know if I am beating a dead horse or not.


BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When a WS is in the "FOG" - or is "running" from reality - ie in fantasy land - at some point in time "fantasy land" ends.. Does all of the damage - the things that the WS said and did - the guilt - does that every come back into reality like a truck and if so can it be crushing for the WS?

Meaning can it be so many thoughts of all the crazy hurtful guilt - that a WS is not able to function anymore? Meaning go into another crazy town? A "guilt crazy town" if you will or does when the "fantasy land" ends - there is some mental mind trick so that those thoughts are just swept away and forgotten.

Any window into a WS mind once reality sets in and the fantasy is over or and "reality" is knocking on the door would be greatly appreciated.

I'm thinking a WS would try and run as much as they can for as long as they can until there is no more track and fight and kick the whole way...

Thanks

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 3:25 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillhere97, if he doesn't have his answers he won't have made the necessary changes. Not fucking somebody isn't the same as being faithful.

He may put every barrier and boundary in place but he's locking in the poison.

It's like when you run into someone but you don't see them where you're familiar with them. You can't place them, sometimes. If you don't get to the why's you can stay away from places and things that you know and have linked to your horrible choices but might not recognize danger when it sneaks in from another direction.

Being singe isn't a why. Hell, it isn't even desirable to most of us now.

If his idea of fun is flirting and casual sex there's a rather huge issue right there. I see that sometimes when I've gone out with my friends. The people that do that are far far from attractive and don't look like they're living large.

He needs to know. Bottom line.

I know why and what I was thinking. It took me a bit to get there. It may with him too but he has to keep looking. You can't be the driver of this process. He has to otherwise you'll be pulling and he'll be digging in his heels. This isn't your job. It's his.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rbecke:

To answer your question from my own situation, yes. Once I knew I had to face my consequences before I confessed to my BH, I was in the depths of hell. Non-stop crying, could barely leave the house and basic survival was about it. I was in that phase on/off for about a month but hot damn it takes a while to drag yourself out of the hell hole.

Would this happen to your wife? I'm not sure. Is she in counseling? Do you talk with her? Have you filed for D? Serious measures would need to happen if you think your wife is so far gone right now..


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 737 | Registered: Jul 2012
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Sad  Posted: 11:51 AM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

messedupchick - Thanks for responding - yes she is in total fantasy/fog/crazy town right now.

She is getting upset that I haven't given her any money - so this OM is probably upset too cause he has to help her out. Him helping her out is OM taking all her jewelery and selling it and taking the wedding ring I bought her and pawning it to pay for her lawyers retainer.

I have filed for D. Not sure when she will wake up so I am moving on with my life - we have 2 kids so that complicates things. You can read my profile on the hell I have been going through with this crazy situation.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rbecke..

I had read your profile, I just didn't know what the current sitch was as it could change day to day/week to week. I'm sorry for the hell you are going through.

You're on the right track - moving on will help heal you and the kids. Her rude awakening will be when she tries to have a real life with OM. Regular boring life stuff will be what kills her fantasy land.

Reality will crash down when she sees that OM is a MAJOR POS. Your best revenge will be carrying on with your life, head held high and showing her you don't need her. I'm thinking if she ever comes crying back to you once she realized her life is ruined, that could be when you can make a decision to finalize a D or R.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 737 | Registered: Jul 2012
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

messedupchick - Thanks for replying - I think you have told me exactly what I needed to hear so I thank you so much.

Thank you for helping us all out through this difficult situation for all the BS's. I don't think I have anymore questions at this time - which to say - is very good for me...


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
nvr flt sch pain
♀ Member
Member # 31540
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, October 19th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's some things that I really struggle with that I'd like others' opinions on please (especially WS if you are willing to answer):-

1) How did you justify your affair to yourself and your BS? Did you feel guilty and how did you supress that?

2) For those in a LTA, did you love your BS and if you did, how were you able to lie and cheat whilst maintaining your day to day life with them? (Sorry for the sloppy wording here, it sounds like I am having a go but I'm not. I just wanted to understand how you were able to carry on your day to day life with your BS whilst living a seperate life you kept secret from them)

3) For those who rekindled their affair after their BS found out, why and how could you do this?

4) What did it take to 'wake you up' and what made you end the affair?

I may well have asked similar questions in the past but I'm working with IC to try and pin down my exact outstanding issues and understand what it is that is affecting me and this is what I've come up with.

Thank you so much to the WS who give us BS answers on here. I appreciate that it must be hard for your to frag up these things for our benefit and I personally want to thank you for the responses, it does help me 'understand' certain aspects of this that I can't get answers to from my WS.

Thanks again in advance of any insights.....


BW-2gether 13 years, wed 09/09.
Dd1 OW1 6/7/2012 - 9 mnths pa/ea. Dd2 OW1 13/8/2010. Dd3 OW1 10/10, ons and ongoing ea.
Dd4 05/11 OW2 - EA/poss PA, plus other poss ONSs,other dodgy txts.
Dd5 03/12 date sites, sex chats & porn!
01/2013 - porno se

Posts: 663 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: united kingdom
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 19th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to know if anyone thinks a WS was ever remotely remorseful if after a False R (rugsweeping on both sides - just too hard) then that WS goes about doing as much damage as humanly possible to the BS during S/D.

I mean things like hostile interactions over every little thing, saying damaging things to the kids, blaming the BS for causing this mess, screwing the BS as much as they can financially etc. etc.

R was too hard, he wasn't up for it. Fair enough, I get that. Especially given I could give no guarantees that this wasn't a dealbreaker. I still don't know if the A was but this cruelty certainly is.

I think this shows there was zero remorse at all - ever.

Does that warrant this behaviour or is this just who he is and now I'm finally seeing it?

I'm interested on others take on this. I've known the dude for 10 years (today actually) but its like I've never even met this person who takes my kids 50% of the time. I'm worried he might be becoming unhinged.

I'm hurting and have had dsydreamed of vengeance but I have honoured every agreement we made and have tried to be invisible and civil. Not for him but for my girls, for myself.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4570 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
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