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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brybry:

Although I didn't have an LTA, maybe I can help answer your questions..

Sexual acts during A: I can't answer specifically for her.. She either didn't enjoy them in the first place but it made the stupid AP happy and she was too broken to say no. I'm thinking she has more respect for you and doesn't want to repeat them?

Or maybe those sex acts make her trigger and she can't bring herself to do them to you?

Or maybe it is still too soon after an LTA and a lot of recovery for both of you needs to be done.

2nd question: I didn't want to stop or change until I felt I was done. I didn't carry on the As for a long time but I most certainly could've stopped or changed sooner before I caused all the damage that I did. The main reason that it didn't stop me in the 1st place, I had 1 justification. My BH would never have to know and could be my secret. So stupid and selfish but I really thought I could hide it but all it did was allow me to cause more damage.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 737 | Registered: Jul 2012
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going in circles trying to dig the "why" out of my H.

Our MC is sure the A happened because of repressed emotions, opportunity and convenience. The A continued because, as time went on, we both detached emotionally from the marriage.

FWH says it was because he found, in her, an escape from everyday stresses. He was never in love with her, she was always available, and he felt safe that they would never be discovered. H claims that he always loved me -How can that be?-

As a former wayward, do you think that these reasons are good enough to explain the "why"? And do you think it is possible to love your spouse but cheat on them for 15 years?

Is it possible to not think of your long term affair partner after being emotionally and sexually connected for so long?

Please help. I can't stand this wondering and the pain.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 664 | Registered: Feb 2012
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEM...

It is very hard and I feel like I am rugswweeping to some degree also...our lifes are SO interconnected...so family oriented, so many years together...that changing up things would be so hard, I just don't want to think about it. I have and still am wrapping my mind around the whole thing.For the first year or so, my IC was my life saver...literally saved my sanity.

My H said a few times that maybe she(OW) was always in the back of his mind, but even though he has connected with her at least twice during our marriage and we have been together since he was 20, I never even knew she exsisted...I know, that sound crazy, but I had total trust??.

Despite their time together, I don't think he really knows her now, so in my mind, I think how can they be that connected??

But it is what it is. H is not a poster type either. I do NOT want him to know I post here...my safe place...other than my IC, no one knows.That is also hard and makes it easy for him to just "forget" I guess...no other changes for him other than my mistrust and craziness....I guess if he didn't have to deal with that, his life would be back to normal....??

Maybe I should start with some self healing reading...and let him know I doing that.Maybe obvious effort on my part will spur some in him.

Thanks for listening and responding


Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FightingBack-
You mention your MC and your WH's "why"s, do you feel that there are more/ different "why"s? I do think that the BS sees things a little differently, so it's possible you think that some of those whys everyone else came up with are incorrect or not enough.

Also keep in mind, it's possible that no "why" will ever satisfy you. There is never a "good enough" excuse to have an A, so running around with the "whys" might be just harming you. It is the WS job to work on their answers and keep working on themselves, so I hope your WH is continuing to do that. Even if he and the MC think that they found all the "whys" they need to be digging around in each of those categories learning and working on fixing them. It's never just simple enough to say "well, that's my why. Sorry darlin'!"

H claims that he always loved me -How can that be?-

I think this one sticks in my craw too. Especially with a LTA. I think there is this dichotomy in a WS mind that you shove your respectable life and your BS in one half and the AP and illicit stuff and whatever other secrets in the other half.

It's in this place that I think he allowed her to sit and fester in his head for that long.

As a former wayward, do you think that these reasons are good enough to explain the "why"?

IMO he needs to keep digging. Even if he feels like he identified all the "whys", the work absolutely cannot stop there. He needs to figure out how he got to that place, if it's related to FOO, if he was horrible in demeanor to you during the A's or if he was this master at hiding everything, and what it means to be honest and open with the woman who has been with him for almost all his adult life. There's always so much more ground to cover.
And do you think it is possible to love your spouse but cheat on them for 15 years?

There may be varying opinions on this, but I think it goes back to the dichotomy in his mind. He loved you with that half of his head for 15 years, despite the A. But is that enough for you? He needs to spend some serious energy showing you that you own that other half and then some, to make up for what you probably feel that you've lost.
Is it possible to not think of your long term affair partner after being emotionally and sexually connected for so long?

I was not in a LTA, so I hope a LTA WS can answer this one. WS go through "withdrawals" from an AP they have been with for a while. But eventually, if you want it bad enough, you can sever that connection. Otherwise, how would people who divorce be able to sever that connection with that XW or XH and start fresh with someone else?

crossroads-
It's totally ok that you want to stay, you are *empowered* to make this decision and it is your choice for your reasons.

I never even knew she exsisted...I know, that sound crazy, but I had total trust??.

It's not crazy. As I said to FightingBack above, I think that dichotomy of his mind must have existed so that he was mentally present in "your" half the whole time, and able to somehow separate the two.

FWIW, I knew OW existed as part of my H's past, I just didn't know that there was an A in our present at any point in time until DDay. He said he would have gladly gone the rest of our lives never telling me. I admit I had the same plan of action to conceal my ONS, but when he confronted me saying he knew something was off, I couldn't look him in the eye and lie. It scares the heck out of me that he was able to look me in the eye and lie for so long, even when I asked if she was out of his life multiple times after telling him NC or I'm out.

I don't think he really knows her now, so in my mind, I think how can they be that connected??

You're right, unless they've had contact for a long time and had a LTA EA between the A's you mentioned, I think they *don't* know each other. I think they imagined in their heads what this other person was like. There are so many blanks to fill in, you can craft this person into something else entirely in your mind. OM in my case was v much like a past flame who was the only man to ever leave me. There was a lot I transposed onto OM that was really belonging to this old flame from years ago.

To a WS, an AP is a blank piece of paper they can draw/write/project onto any of their pain, baggage and issues, desires and whatever else.

That is also hard and makes it easy for him to just "forget" I guess...no other changes for him other than my mistrust and craziness....I guess if he didn't have to deal with that, his life would be back to normal....??

It sounds like even if you've already decided to stay with him, you're making this really easy on him and you are the one who is suffering. Have you tried the 180? Just because you're staying together doesn't mean you still have to do his laundry, have sex and do all the other wifely things that he takes/ has taken for granted. I suggest giving him a written out list of books you'd like him to read in lieu of IC/MC, and if you don't see an Amazon/bookstore purchase within a few days, consider cutting out some of these things he takes for granted. Do you always lovingly fold his shirts a certain way he likes? Serve his favorite drink when he gets home? All these things are so simple and he probably doesn't even think about that you do them and that you deserve better from him. Just be clear on the front end what you want him to do. If you've already done that, then he is being lame and taking everything that you're giving and running with it. He isn't putting anything into your love bank besides transparency and enduring mistrust on your part, neither of which is asking too much in the grand scheme of things.
Maybe I should start with some self healing reading...and let him know I doing that.Maybe obvious effort on my part will spur some in him.

I think he's just going to see you doing the reading and think "whew! glad she's not making ME do that. she can do all the reading and learning and healing for the both of us. i'm fine and don't need to do any work!"

I hope this helps....

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 7:43 AM, October 10th (Wednesday)]


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you NEM. You are right in that it seems FWH is ready yo accept any suggestions from the MC as to what the "why's" may have been.

" That could be it ". And no, he is not into doing the digging for himself. I think he feels that he is trying just by going to MC.

You are also correct in that no reasons will ever be good enough for me, and I am aware of that. I would just really like to see him try to look deep within himself, to at least feel the need and the importance of serious introspection.

These things whirl around my thoughts almost every minute of every day. They have taken over my world. The OW has become my OW.

When I tell him this, he will say "You mustn't give her that much importance in your thoughts". I know that I should use that energy to work on our marriage, but I am afraid that if I put the A to the recesses of my mind, as he does, we will be heading toward a false R.

He is being very loving, patient and so much more in tune with us than he ever was, but he would like nothing better than to never think of those "dark years" again.

Our kids (in their 20s) were all devastated by the A. They all knew OW from working at the same office at one time or another. OW went out of her way to befriend them and to become close, especially to my DD. She in particular, cannot understand why her father exposed her to this. FWH, apart from a brief apology to all of the kids, has never discussed it with them again.

Life here at home appears "normal", but there is a dark cloud overhead all the time.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 664 | Registered: Feb 2012
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, that was a bit of a vent, and I'm not on the appropriate forum for that. This is for specific questions, and I appreciate the response very much.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 664 | Registered: Feb 2012
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What goes on in your heads?
This may ramble on a bit - just a warning but what the heck goes on in a WS head when they start an affair?

The history of this... - which you can read more in more detail in my profile but basically when my wife started her affair she all the sudden wanted to look super hot - started bleaching her teeth - wearing and buying fancy perfume - taking hours to dress up. Its like it was a totally different person.

I am not quite sure if she was doing all of this to make me jealous or what it was or she was so deep in the fog of the whole thing.

She went totally insaine and I have 2 little boys. She would always ask me if she looked to fat or not pretty and I would tell her all the time she looked hot and didn't need to lose weight.

Once she started the affair it was like she was a teenager getting all dressed up and spending hours on her hair. WTF is that??? It was sick.

My question is - does a WS lose their mind and only think about their appearance to look super hot all of the sudden? Even in front of their freakin spouse? To go out and be with their OP? I go out on dates now with girls and they don't even take half the time to get ready that she did nor did she ever take that much time for me before... It was like she was a teenager again...WTF is that all about? is the fog so freakin deep that your brain goes crazy?

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 3:24 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
NorthernGirl888
♀ Member
Member # 35372
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH swears up and down that he's told me everything.
In June 2011, we were first on the scene of a motor accident where a little girl was dead. After that he changed. He was distant. Withdrawn not just from me but from our family. Most of his time spent away from us and when he was home he was sleeping. From June to September he stayed at our camp. In September he came home but remained distant and withdrawn until December. He lost his sex drive through all of that time too.

In the summer of 2011, my focus shifted from the trauma of the accident and I started fearing that he was having an affair.

I had a dream that he was cheating and the next day I found the girls name and number on a piece of paper. It was hidden in the battery cupboard at the camp. He claims it was his brother's. I bought it.

Sometime in the summer, I found that he dialed girl's phone number on his cell phone (I know her and recognized the number). She lives at the lake where our camp was (we recently sold it). He denied it right away. He said his fingers are fat and he must have mis-dialed. I asked what number he was calling and he said he didn't remember

. In the new year I started approaching all of this and our past stuff too. I keep asking him about the call. He admitted that his brother and his nephew were there when he made the call but he still claims he doesn't remember making it. In April he said he would ask them to see if they remembered him making it. He called them (I checked the phone) 2 mins after I left the house. He called both of them and both of them called him back. SURPRISE!! Neither of them remember either. I think if he got drunk and made a call that he didn't remember he would have asked them about it ASAP not 8 months later.

In October 2011 I got a few hang up calls.

In December, we went and cut a Christmas tree. We had snacks and were about to decorate and have a family night. His nephew called and he dropped us! He left us and went out drinking. The kids and I decorated the tree without him.

I went into a depressive numb state after that. It lasted until Feb. That' when I started confronting all of this.

He has confessed about all the past stuff but I have no answers to explain anything from the summer of 2011.

What can I do? He keeps insisting that he's told me everything, but I still have so many questions. His new answer is that he's sick of my same questions. He's claiming that I keep bringing up the past and we can't move on because of it. He also says that when I ask questions it causes him to withdraw.

He's lied to me for the most part of our relationship. He's claimed that he was distant because of the accident.


Me - 36
WH - 42
Together for 20 years and Married for 11

1993- ONS
1994- Prostitute
1997- Pregnant, Suspected ONS
2002- Pregnant, ONS
2008- Hitting on 2 girls on Facebook
2011- Screaming Gut
FEB 2012- Started dealing with All of the above


Posts: 189 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Northern Canada
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NorthernGirl888 - what you do is go into marriage counseling with him or a priest that can do it and tell him how you feel so that a 3rd party can help him see your pain and help to get more answers. There is probably not much you can do but to nag him.

That's what you need a 3rd party. Help him to see the light.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
NorthernGirl888
♀ Member
Member # 35372
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I'm trying. He keeps claiming that he wants to go to MC, but his concern is the expense. He figures in 1.5 months from now we'll be able to go. I told him he better get his priorities straight. I'm already toying with the idea of leaving (he doesn't know that though.) If he keeps putting our $4000.00 credit card debt before our marriage...


Me - 36
WH - 42
Together for 20 years and Married for 11

1993- ONS
1994- Prostitute
1997- Pregnant, Suspected ONS
2002- Pregnant, ONS
2008- Hitting on 2 girls on Facebook
2011- Screaming Gut
FEB 2012- Started dealing with All of the above


Posts: 189 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Northern Canada
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NorthernGirl888 - go to free counseling at your local church. Look around to see if there is that option - most churches will have it.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rbecke1,

The purpose of this thread is for Betrayed spoused to have their questions answered by FWS. Please refrain from answering questions in this forum.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rbecke1 -

She went totally insaine

spending hours on her hair. WTF is that??? It was sick.

is the fog so freakin deep that your brain goes crazy?

It indeed was sick. She probably was indeed insane. And yes, there is certainly craziness.

My question is - does a WS lose their mind and only think about their appearance to look super hot all of the sudden?

Some do, some don't. An affair is an escape - spending extra time on one's appearance is also an escape.

I go out on dates now with girls and they don't even take half the time to get ready that she did nor did she ever take that much time for me before...

Do you know that for sure? Did your wife and these ladies tell you that they do not spend much time on their hair?

I am not sure exactly what you are asking. Absolutely, people in affairs act crazily. But beyond that, are you just needing to vent?

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 8:56 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
rockbottom2468
♀ Member
Member # 32496
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm interested in some WS perspective on this...We have been separated for almost a year (he moved into an apartment with OW in February). He's a lying, cheating, NPD cake eater. He's not remorseful and has had no actions towards R at all (hello...he's still LIVING with OW!). But, he talks non stop about wanting to come home. We ended up getting into it (I should be 100% NC right now, so I should not have even talked to him, but anyway...)

Here's his problem. He couldn't afford his apartment (or car, it was repossessed) so he had two coworkers move in with him. They are both the same age as OW (20-21) and have only known him and OW together. They know nothing about me and the kids other than he has kids and I am his ex. Neither one of these boys are allowed to move back home. They were both wanting to move out of state next year anyway, so agreed to move in until the lease was up and then move like they had planned at the end of the lease. So...here is what ex says his issue is (and looked visibly upset), these "friends" moved to help him and now he will be putting them on the street, as well as OW and her son. He feels like he "fucked up" our life, our kids lives and now he will "fuck up" three more people's lives and just doesn't know how to do it.


I shouldn't even be THINKING about this right now because there have been no actions, but it crossed my mind that if he ever did come home and leave them in the dust, I feel like the guilt from that would weigh over him for so long that it would ruin everything in and of itself. Does that make sense? I feel like it will make me angry that he has visible guilt for these people, but didn't for his own family. Screw OW. I don't care what happens to her, but I would feel bad for the other two boys (yes..."boys"...ex is 13 years older than them...). My reaction was close to "Fine, if that is what you value right now (their well being) instead of ours, then go take care of those 3 children and screw your own 3 children and leave me the hell alone."

I don't know. I just want to know what other WS's think of this guilt and thought process.


Me: BS-29
Him: XH-33
Dday: June 2011
Together: 13 years
Children: DD(8), DS (6), DD2 (8 months)
Status: He left for 20yo OW.

"Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger"


Posts: 1058 | Registered: Jun 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 3:46 AM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like he was fine with rewriting marital history or whatever he had to do to rationalize and justify leaving you for OW. But "putting on the street" 3 other people is something he is going to have a harder time blaming on someone else.

You are in your 20's still so you might have lived with roommates before and remember what it's like.... Remember how easy it is to network to find roommates? Those 21ish "boys" can go on CL or FB and find a roommate in like 2-5 days no problem.

His guilt over this is also a projection of him lamenting how "sad" his life is now. He doesn't like looking and feeling like the bad guy. Sounds like this is someone not really close to working on his issues.

I think you should stay NC unless he shows he is working on his issues. Him lamenting that he wants to come home and poor him for putting out 3 people sounds like he is fishing for you to rescue him. Which means he is not looking to do anything remotely healthy or helpful to you anytime soon.

I didn't leave my H for my AP, and if a WS out there on SI did and can weigh in here, maybe there is a different take on this...

Rockbottom, are you considering letting him move back home? How d you respond to him saying he wants to come home? There should be some serious hoops he has to jump through in order to do that if you are.

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 3:48 AM, October 11th (Thursday)]


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
newbeg2011
♂ Member
Member # 31892
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rock bottom
I think he needs to grow up. You seem from your writings to love him and to coming close to detaching from him but never getting there completely. I think he knows this.
I think he is trying to deflect taking his true responsiblity which is you and his children.
You are spot on when you say his is loyalty to ow and two men are misplaced. He is try to use smoke screens and mirrors to keep your sympathy and borrow himself more time.
You need to 180 him and protect you. Prayers going for you !


Never forget what I have done to BS but don't let guilt make me quit. STAY IN THE FIGHT ! ! !
WS 47 me
BS 47 her
5 Great Children
DD 1/15/11

Posts: 213 | Registered: Apr 2011
rbecke1
♂ Member
Member # 37040
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnexpectedSong - Thanks for replying!

I think my point is this - my wife (during the affair when she was still living at home - she is still in the affair but has moved out) would spend a huge amount of time getting ready for her "affair dates". I believe half of that was for "show" to make me jealous as in you don't have me anymore and "you" look at how pretty I am - The other half was just to look pretty for this new guy. Hours were spent getting ready - standing in front of the mirror - getting makeup on and doing her hair - trying to look "perfect".

She would spray perfume all over the house before she went out - So I know she was looking good Trying to make me jealous again and staying out till 2 am - She started bleaching her teeth - dieing her hair to get out any hint of gray.

This drove me crazy at the time thinking my wife is looking good for someone else.


She just turned 39 and was always upset with her appearance and obssessed with her weight - always on the scale checking her weight.


She is skinny and I would tell her she looks "hot" all the time before the affiar started and "pretty" but that was never enough for her.

Friends would tell her she looked good - but she was always at the gym trying to look "better" - she felt like she was getting old and I would tell her thats natural - you look great - which (at the gym) is where she meet this preditor/OM.

External validation situation mixed with low self esteem - always needed to be told she looked hot - she is from Colombia South America.

So my question is this - When you are in the "fog"/fantasy land - do you pretty much go "crazy" and obsessive to the point that you are only thinking about your appearance and or making your spouse jealous or what could be going through your mind. I hear the term "fog" Do you just completely lose your reational side of thinking and go nuts?

Are you brain washed? - she stopped watching TV and doing normal things/sneaking around became her life.

Only went into our spare room and texted with the OM at night.

What the heck could be going through your mind or any WS ever had this sort of obssession with looking so good for their new affair partner - like I said she never spent that much time looking good for me - maybe in the begging - but we had been married for 10 years.

Any idea on how one thinks with these affairs? What goes through your mind? Is it like being on a drug and your just a big mess? Appreciate the feedback.

Thanks!

[This message edited by rbecke1 at 2:46 PM, October 11th (Thursday)]


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

ME - BS:40
Wife - WS:39
Married 10 years
2 boys - 3 1/2 and 7
DD 5/5/12

When life knocks you down, calmly get up, dust yourself off and say "YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!"


Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: east coast
rockbottom2468
♀ Member
Member # 32496
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you newbeg and NEM. I think he is trying to buy time...while trying to keep me on a rope. Thank you for your responses and insight.


Me: BS-29
Him: XH-33
Dday: June 2011
Together: 13 years
Children: DD(8), DS (6), DD2 (8 months)
Status: He left for 20yo OW.

"Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger"


Posts: 1058 | Registered: Jun 2011
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rbecke1 -

So my question is this - When you are in the "fog"/fantasy land - do you pretty much go "crazy" and obsessive to the point that you are only thinking about your appearance and or making your spouse jealous or what could be going through your mind.

Certain mindsets are similar in all WSes. So yes, people can get obsessive about calling / texting / looks / whatever. Maybe she was indeed trying to make you jealous. Maybe she wanted you to fight for her. Or to yell at her.

I myself am not a girly girl. I would not know how to spend more than 2 minutes on my hair. But I was obsessed with figuring out how to meet up with the OM.

I hear the term "fog" Do you just completely lose your reational side of thinking and go nuts?

Yes, there is definitely a loss of rationality.

Are you brain washed? - she stopped watching TV and doing normal things/sneaking around became her life.

Again, people are different. I never stopped doing "normal" things.

Is it like being on a drug and your just a big mess?

Yes, that is a good way of describing it. You feel addicted and keep wanting the next "hit" - any kind of contact. And you will do and say almost anything to get the next hit

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 8:42 PM, October 11th (Thursday)]


WW(SA)
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UnexpectedSong
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Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rockbottom -

it crossed my mind that if he ever did come home and leave them in the dust, I feel like the guilt from that would weigh over him for so long that it would ruin everything in and of itself.

I don't know about a WS perspective, but just as a perspective... Until he kicks them all out, works on himself, lives a clean life, and begs you for another chance, you should not be thinking about any of this. Own only your crap - not his, not the freeloaders'.


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