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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post...

[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 9:00 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6056 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Stillhere97
♀ Member
Member # 36122
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, I would like to know if the truth that you tell you ws make sense to you. Do the action you did in the fog make sense to you when you say them out loud? I know my WH wants us and never wanted it. The story's of the drunken 10 months in foreign country don't make sense. Now I don't know if my question makes sense. Does the truth always make sense?


BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Stillhere..

No the truth doesn't make sense sometimes. WS justify their actions so much to the point it made sense only at the very time of cheating but afterwards.. Hell no. Just saying it out loud makes you sound stupid, selfish, ignorant and hurtful.

edit: I forgot to put in.. When I was first telling my BH the truth to my A's, he was angry at me that I would even feed him such bull shit. Frankly my reasoning is embarrassing.

[This message edited by messedupchick at 12:16 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 737 | Registered: Jul 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Baxter...pretty much the entire work day and usually in the evenings, but not as long then. I mean like constant hits. I have seen
him look up amateur porn in our area.
He has a friend that is a Craig's list
user for sex. I didn't know if SA was for porn too, thought it was the sex act itself...thanks again


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 3991 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, October 4th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ostrich80;

Yes, SA covers porn too. If he is watching porn that much, it sounds like SA.

He can quit, but he has to want to. SAA meetings, and doing a program will help. But again, he will have to want to do this.

Watching that much porn would be considered inner circle (or forbidden) activities for him to be sober in SA. In SA, sober is defined a little differently than in AA. In AA, you cannot drink at all. In SA, you don't give up all sexual acts, just the ones that are destructive and unhealthy to your life and relationships. From the sound of your question, it sounds like his use of porn is not ok with you, and would be defined in SA as an inner circle behavior.

I hope all of this makes sense, and helps you out.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated


Posts: 598 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, October 4th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bc..thanks for the info, didn't know. Yes it does bother me because he would rather have porn than a R with his wife. I know he's still in contact with ow so now this is just the frosting on the cake. We are doomed. I blamed the lack of intimacy and our "roommate" relationship on ow, but I think the other is playing a pretty significant part as well in our destruction. Geez dude pick a vice, just one..ahhh exhausting...thanks again bc


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 3991 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
phoenix54
♂ Member
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 5th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. It seemed like we were finally making progress in R but we had a setback this week with my WW regressing to justifying her actions and trying to make excuses. Why, after making significant progress, is she falling back to this approach? It's frustrating, to say the least.

Could it be a consequence of her being overwhelmed with a crisis involving our son? Or should I judge that these are her true feelings? Thanks.


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 6th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

phoenix,

It could be the stress of the situation with your son...we just saw an example of that recently with another member.

A WS is going to be confused about what they really want for a while after d-day. They know what they need to do, can't understand why they did it in the first place, but they did, and it probably felt good, so it must be the right direction and it is all somebody else's fault.

This idea of it being the true nature of the individual is something that I don't really agree with because it implies that the nature is that of cheating, when really it is probably some other issue that is something the WS is to afraid of to deal with. The issues are deeper than that IMO.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6056 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
saved2012
♀ New Member
Member # 37059
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, October 7th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StillStrong:

I am in process of reading a book called Finding Healing for te Betrayal or Sexual addiction. My Husband has a Secret. The author is Molly Miller. Whether a WS or BS it helps you to understand a lot. Not even half way through it and it has helped me understand why (as the WW) I did what I did, and why my BH feels the way he feels about what I did. I recommend it to anyone .. It explains generational dysfunction that I honestly had no idea about, and why some people act out on affairs .. I am not very good at explaining it all as I am still learning myself.. but I hope it helps


One day at a time.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have come to a crisis point and it all stems from my WH inability to remember specific details. I have been given ( reluctantly) a timeline but when I ask for dates or conversations ie what he told her about us, he cannot remember anything. He says it is all a blur to him now. It was a LTA that he had been trying to get out of for the last 2 years of it so these meetings happened 4 or 5 years ago. He says that he only sees the A in flashes - he cannot remember dates that they met ( this was only twice)and cannot remember details of the meeting. I find this hard to believe. I find it hard to believe that a person makes a decision to do something like this to his wife and family and then it is so insignificant that the details blur? He had to travel to meet her, it wasn't local, so how could you NOT remember the month? I cannot get past this. I don't know if he is lying or not. He says that he used her and she never meant anything to him except what she could do for him. He sees it for what it was now. I just don't understand how something this big could ever become a blur? Any help or insights?

Posts: 329 | Registered: Oct 2011
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oct is a really bad trigger month for me...a lot of dday memories/events from 3 years ago. I have , for about the past year or more stopped asking questions and mentioning anything A related at all. the last month, however,I have mentioned one suspicion and almost had a meltdown this weekend. We are both overloaded with family, financial and work issues and I wish it would all disappear as much as he probably does, his response is always...always..."I don't need this" How do I make him understand that "I don't either, but sometimes things come up and I have to ask an occsional question or have an occasional conversation about "us" not the A just "us." I need

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to ask A related questions also w/o being made to feel like I am trying to make him feel bad...he has answers tat I don't have, puzzle pieces that I don't know about.

What will make him realize that it is not all about him?


Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crossroads, are yall in MC? having a third party point out that it isn't all about him would be helpful. I think hearing it from you may provoke more of this
"I don't need this"

Also, scheduling a particular time and duration for questions each week if you have any might be a gentle way for you to air whatever is bothering you, and will prevent him from making the "I always feel like I'm on the defensive" argument. If he knows exactly when and for how long you'll be asking him stuff, he really can't justifiably complain much, as this was a mess of his own making. Do you feel like he has been owning up to it in these past 3 years? the past year or so, especially?


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
carey
♀ Member
Member # 35829
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if there are any WS out there that knew their AP wife/husband & still sees their AP wife/husband?

My WH had an A w/a mow. Our son's were on the same team last year. Unfortunately, I still have to see them & so does my WH. I never told her H about the A. I'm guessing she didn't either because her H has said hello to me & my WH.

I would really like to know what is going through the mow's head when she sees me now? Other than if I'm going to tell her H.

All of us spent a lot of time together, while they were having an A. They would even text each other while we were all together!

I know no one can say for sure what she's thinking but, your input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks


me(BW) 41
him (WH) 40
D-day 1/17/12
together for 22yrs, married 12 yrs.
2 children ages 10 & 5
You can close your eyes
to the things you don't
want to see. You can't close
your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jun 2012
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arais

I will try to break down what I would believe from your WH (if I were in your shoes) and what I would question.

- what he told her about you: if he can't remember specifically word-for-word what he said? I would believe him. If he can't remember the general gist of what he said? i.e. did he talk shit about you, did he talk positively about you? I would question that.

- the dates that they met: if he can't remember the exact date, I would possibly believe him but I would suggest that he get busy looking for bank records, email confirmations, etc. if travel was involved---if that kind of stuff is retrievable that will jog his memory. If he can't even remember the month? I would question that.

My A was 5.5 months long, and began over 3 years ago. I remember some things very clearly (such as the date the A began, obviously D-day, certain dates in the middle). I do NOT remember all specifics of every conversation, sexual encounter, etc. I could give a rough estimate within a timeline, but there is no way for it to be 100% exact. But generalities such as months, general conversations? It is more likely to remember stuff such as that, even after some time has passed.

I hope that helps.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1921 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Carey

My AP was single so I can't answer 100% to your situation. But after I was divorced, I saw XH at work and had the chance of running into him at our hobby/activity. I avoided him as much as possible. I was ashamed, embarrassed, didn't want to bother him/bring up bad reminders, etc. So maybe, possibly, the OW in your situation is feeling some of the same things?


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1921 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
brybry75
♂ New Member
Member # 36686
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi There - questions primarily to WW but responses from all WS welcome...

After a 2yr LTA my WW has NC with the AP. I found out about the A 3 months ago.

1. Sexual acts done during the affair was stuff she hadn't done with me...why would she be more comfortable to do this with AP than BH of 20yrs?

2. I can/have accepted affair is got to do with WW issues and was not done to me. However she was aware of the collateral damage that was me. Why/how couldn't you stop based purely on that fact?


Posts: 40 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Australia
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI My question is, do most ws have a plan with AP. I mean did you tell each other you hoped to be together some day or was it just something you did without planning on leaving BS. My guesstimation is ws was seeing ow about 2 yrs before DD1 Which was 3 yrs ago, found out in Feb 2012, still going on. I guess I'm
wondering if ws has plans of being with her one day or if he just likes having 2 women. I guess I'm trying to figure out why he lies about it and fights D but can't stay away from her.Thanks


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 3991 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEM..thanks

Do you feel like he has been owning up to it in these past 3 years?

yes and no...he has been transparent as best as I can tell...he plans things for us to do together and we are always together or with family or friends TOGETHER when we are not working. We always have an upcoming trip or event to plan for...look forward to...it is kind of like we move along from one event that commits us to stay together for a little while longer. He is good with just saying it is "in the past" and won't happen again, but besides the A 3 years ago, I found out about another 20 years before with the same OW....we have been together fo 35+ years and I did not know she existed until then...so I still have a lot of processing and unanswered questions.

You are right ...we do need MC. Financially..that would be tough now and hard to justify the expense, but more than that, when I suggested it before he hasn't liked the idea. I think IC for him would be good though...I spent over a year with my IC, but he won't do that either.

I guess I just want him to empathize with my feelings and he can't do that since he hasn't been in my shoes. I guess at some level he is just surviving in his own way too.


Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crossroads-
we move along from one event that commits us to stay together for a little while longer

This sounds hard. Do you feel like you never got to clear your head on your own after DDay/ do you feel tied down?

Same OW twice must be especially hard. Besides transparency, do you know if she is really purged from his life/mind/etc?

What requirements did you make for R? It's great that he's being transparent, but if you want him to do MC or IC and he refuses, that sounds like him calling the shots to say no when you had a reasonable request.

I understand if $ is an issue, IC and MC are SOOO expensive!!!!! My bank account is still recovering Is he doing any reading? "How to help your spouse recover from an affair" I think is one that people recommend. That is on my tentative list for both me and my H, but right now we are poring over SA literature.

Have you considered asking him to post here? I told my H about SI but he isn't really an online message boards kind of person, whereas I am, so he isn't interested. That's okay too, and it's also okay if you don't want him here and feel that this is your safe place.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
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