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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 7
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, September 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simic,

I didn't do those things you asked about. Those things just weren't a component of my EA.

I do remember reading of one situation (can't remember who) where the male AP posted a video of him and the WW on a porn website. She was devastated. I'm sure the BH was too.

One thing I would like to address, even though it isn't a question is this statement: I wish that was possible, but at present I feel like my WS doesn't care if I lived or not. I feel like she wishes that I would just disappear or that I never existed in the first place. I can't ask her these questions because she won't talk to me.

I would bet that your WW does wish "you" would disappear. That way she wouldn't have to admit anything, or do any real work to figure out why the hell she did these things in the first place. She doesn't have an answer to give that doesn't involve her being vulnerable.

A lot of people think that when it comes to the aftermath of infidelity, the A is the thing that needs to be dealt with first. I don't think that is true in all cases. Sometimes it is communication in the M that needs to be dealt with first. Not only communication, but trust. Seems screwed up, right? Well, it is.

A lot of WS don't trust their BS's after d-day. They think that if they tell everything, or make themselves vulnerable by delving into FOO issues, or issues of self-esteem, that the BS will not be able to handle it. The WS fears rejection. In fact, many WS become WS in the first place because of fear of rejection. So really, you can see that this all comes back to the WS and their own problems.

You are pretty new to all this. So take your time. Your WW may come around. Don't let her drive you away though.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, September 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suckstobeme,

This isn't and wasn't ever about you. He chose to not deal with his own shit. End of story.

If that were the extent of things, then fine, I think most people could deal with it, but there is another level to his not being able to deal with his shit, and that is that he can't even admit to it to himself. So, like so many waywards, it must not be his fault. That is where the pain and confusion for the BS really gets deep.

Sort of along the lines of why do you need an exit affair in order to leave the M if it is really that bad? It's a simple choice that we all could have made to be honest with ourselves and work on the M. Instead, we started making poor decisions which took us down the road one step at a time until we didn't know where we were at, even though we knew where we were wasn't a place we ever should have been.

It's easier to blame someone else than it is to take responsibility for your own poor choices. Problem is, you will never be able to explain that to your X.

No, it's not your fault.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF;
First just want to say that I didn't mean to post that twice. When I went back on here on my phone it was still showing my post as I had just typed it so I didn't think it ever submitted it. I guess I should have looked at the board first to see if it actually went thru before reposting it.

But thank you for the reply, that does make sense. I think he is finally ready to do IC. Or at least he says he will, but actions mean more then words so I guess we will see if he actually follows thru with it and does the work that he needs to do. He has always been the kind of person to avoid conflict and not face what the real problem is, so I know that this is/will be hard for him to face in IC, but he also knows if he wants me to really try to R then he has to try to face these issues. And he has to really accept responsibility for everything he did and stop blaming the state of our marriage at that time.

Thank you again for your reply and to anyone else that replies to my question.

[This message edited by scangel3 at 1:35 PM, September 30th (Sunday)]


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 706 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Simic
♂ New Member
Member # 36675
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF

Thank you for responding, I can't fully express how much I appreciate it.

I looked through the WS FAQ like I was supposed to before posting...oops. It helped me to understand a little what my WS was and maybe still is thinking during and post A. I have a great deal to think about, and some very difficult decisions to make. I don't know if I have to strength to endure it.

I want to thank all of you; WS and BS alike who have the courage to share your wisdom with people like me. I envy you your strength. God bless you.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: North Carolina
carey
♀ Member
Member # 35829
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any WS actually hate the OP after getting caught?

My WH spent 4 mos. texting/talking/sexting w/pics & videos MOW, no matter where he was or who he was with. They were ALWAYS texting! They told each other they loved each other. He even told me at one point he really cared about her & her feelings more than mine. Until he got caught!

I just don't understand how or why he hates her so much now! I know why I feel that way!

If there's anyone that can relate or even has anything to offer, I would really appreciate it. Thank You.


me(BW) 41
him (WH) 40
D-day 1/17/12
together for 22yrs, married 12 yrs.
2 children ages 10 & 5
You can close your eyes
to the things you don't
want to see. You can't close
your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jun 2012
carey
♀ Member
Member # 35829
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for my questions. I just want to understand what others have experienced. I want to try and understand what they were thinking and feeling if and when they sent pics and videos. And have any AP's used them in a threatening manner?

I really would like to know this as well. My WH claims that's all they did was send pics/videos/sexting. He claims they didn't have sex.

If anyone can relate, I would truly appreciate it.


me(BW) 41
him (WH) 40
D-day 1/17/12
together for 22yrs, married 12 yrs.
2 children ages 10 & 5
You can close your eyes
to the things you don't
want to see. You can't close
your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jun 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any WS actually hate the OP after getting caught?

Hi Carey-
In my A, at first I hated the OM. I blamed him partially for the ONS. It was easier to tell myself that it was 95% his fault. That lasted not for very long.

Then I started realizing it didn't matter what he was up to in the A, it was me who made the mistake. Me who broke my vows.

Then I started resenting the fact that he even existed in the first place, and wanted to punch his stupid face in.

Then I remembered that I was (still am, some) broken and that brokenness in me would have found an AP at some point in time. Maybe not today, tomorrow or next year, but it would have happened because my $h!t wasn't getting fixed because I didn't recognize it.

...Basically it's an oscillator of a situation, but I think I have my head on straight(er) now.

I hope that helps.

Also, they say that when love dies, it can turn into hate. Passionate emotions and all that business. If this is true, it would explain part of why D can be so acrimonious, even when infidelity is not involved.

I do think that the best thing, though, is for the WS to not waste any more energy, headspace, etc. on the OP. What's done is done, and they should be NC. NC means not thinking about the OP either, they don't get to be in the WS life in any way anymore.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
carey
♀ Member
Member # 35829
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC means not thinking about the OP either, they don't get to be in the WS life in any way anymore.

Hi NothingElseMatters- unfortunately, because the A was w/a mom of a boy that plays hockey at the same rink our son is at, we have to see her! I thought about changing rinks but, my son was devastated. Her H doesn't know about the A. I hate seeing her!!! It's bad enough I found nude pics of her.

I do think that my WH feels it's the right thing to say, as far as hating her. He claims that several times he told her this was wrong etc. but, she would say "oh, you worry too much, we're just having fun, we're not doing anything wrong."

I think he's just pissed that he was too weak to do the right thing & stop.

Thanks so much for your time, I appreciate it.


me(BW) 41
him (WH) 40
D-day 1/17/12
together for 22yrs, married 12 yrs.
2 children ages 10 & 5
You can close your eyes
to the things you don't
want to see. You can't close
your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jun 2012
Happeningtome
♀ Member
Member # 36327
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Carey -

With respect to your question about hating the OP...

I'm sure this will vary depending upon a number of factors, including...

- did anyone get 'thrown under the bus' ? If so, how far? Or, did the OP lie when disclosing things to their BS to cover up other infidelities?

- did the OP and/or OP's spouse cause a lot of problems after DDay or continue to interfere in the AP's marriage, even after NC was theoretically established?

- did the OP and or OP's BS try to engage mutual friends in the situation, forcing people to pick sides?

- does information about the OP come out (I.e. Other affairs, how they really treated their BS or kids, etc.) that is really offensive. You would be surprised how the dominos fall after DDay....

- did the OP orchestrate DDay, because they wanted out of their marriage?

I'm sure there are others, but these things all came to mind when I read your question.

HTM


Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2012
carey
♀ Member
Member # 35829
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happeningtome- I didn't tell the OP's H that his wife & my H were having an A.

As for "getting thrown under the bus" I suppose that's what she did to my WH. For several mos. my gut was telling me something was wrong but, it was her actions that made me confront my WH. Then everything started to unfold. I guess you could see that the OP did orchestrate dday!

Also, she did tell my H that she had other A's. One was w/a married woman & then w/that same woman's H.

You really brought up some good points! Ones that I didn't think of before! I guess that when the A is happening, these things didn't bother my WH.

Thanks for commenting.


me(BW) 41
him (WH) 40
D-day 1/17/12
together for 22yrs, married 12 yrs.
2 children ages 10 & 5
You can close your eyes
to the things you don't
want to see. You can't close
your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jun 2012
BaldwinBeauty59
♀ Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to all the WS that are willing to take the time to answer BS questions. It really means a lot to us. Can I please call on yall one more time?

For those who had A's in their home would you please tell me if this sounds reasonable? My FWH brought howorker into our home for sex in our bed at night while I was out of town spread out over a 6 month period which equals to about 10 weeks (only what I can prove so it could be longer). He swears:

1.) she never was in any rooms except kitchen and our master bedroom. They never watched tv or used our lap top computer together.

2.) she never, ever used our toilet, never even walked in the bathroom. Never showered there. Never used our spa tub even though there was evidence that it was used the last week before DD. WH never takes baths.

3.) she never cleaned herself up after sex but went home with my WH's sperm and sweat still on her (her BH worked nights). That he was the only one to use our washclothes to clean up.

4.) she never laid or sat on my side of the bed.

5.) she never touched our bedroom furniture and she always put her clothes on the floor so nothing of hers ever touched our furniture.

6.) she never spent the entire night there only part of it.

7.) she never ate or drank anything while there. That he never cooked for her or her for him even though I found history on his computer that he was looking up recipes from her native country.

8.) he never took her any where even though I found history in his computer of a night club and exclusive spa hotel directions.

9.) he never spent money on her expect $130 beach bag and some lunches at her favorite restaurant. However, we have over $5000 missing from our joint checking he cannot account for.

10.) Bank statements show charges from restuarants that are only open for dinner and too much for one person but he swears he was alone.

So I do not believe that she never had to pee and she never cleaned off my WH's sperm from her body before she left. I don't believe she never laid on my side of the bed or was in any other room of my house. I don't believe that he didn't spend that money on her. Why would he lie to me about these things? Why not admit it? What is the benefit to him to insist different? He knows I do not believe him. Could he be telling the truth and I am the one deceiving myself? If he is lying, why?


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
BaldwinBeauty59
♀ Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post

[This message edited by BaldwinBeauty59 at 1:14 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a few responses..

A couple BSs are wanting to know about sexting/pics etc and what were we thinking or feeling?

Sadly, there was little to no thinking involved. I justified it as being able to carry on a sexual and emotional A w/o actually doing anything
'wrong' and w/o leaving my house. I wasn't worried about 'what if these pictures get out or how it would look with all these sexting messages?'. It was living in the stupid moment. Grosses me out now..

Baldwin: I had a ONS type PA in my house however we didn't have sex. Maybe I can answer a few questions about the whole house thing?

I think your WH is still trying to 'protect' you from the real truth as if he doesn't want hurt you anymore. As if that is true. He already hurt you so bad that these technical details are trivial in the grand scheme of things.

Honestly, I think he's lying about most of the things. I suspect he's lying about:
#1,2,3,7,8,9 10. 4,5,6 are plausible in my opinion. When I had the guy in my house, I was really picky about where he could go, what he could touch or see.. Honestly I would have preferred him to be blind-folded in my house and wearing gloves unless he was in a specific place that I felt comfortable in.

Ok now I'm feeling grossed out by myself. I hope I've helped somewhat.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
carey
♀ Member
Member # 35829
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Messedupchick for responding about sexting/pics etc. I'm sure it's not an easy thing for you to talk about. I'm sorry if it has caused you to be upset.

Please know that I REALLY appreciate & respect you trying to answer these questions.

I hope that you knowing you are helping others, makes you feel better.


me(BW) 41
him (WH) 40
D-day 1/17/12
together for 22yrs, married 12 yrs.
2 children ages 10 & 5
You can close your eyes
to the things you don't
want to see. You can't close
your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jun 2012
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Carey, you're welcome.

No worries, you didn't cause me to get upset. I caused my 'real' self to get grossed out by my 'fake A' self.. If that makes sense?

Helping others does make me feel better.. I realize that this "BS ? for WS" section can be some form of a lifeline.. last resort to dig inside your WS head and try to figure them out. Now that I've been on this forum for a few months, I keep seeing questions that I might be able to answer... part of the reason is because my A's covered a broad spectrum of horribleness. It made my BH's head spin as he didn't know which A to be the most angry about and which one he needed to ask the most questions about... So yeah. I come to this forum to see where I can help with.. And I'm glad that I have been helpful too.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 736 | Registered: Jul 2012
BaldwinBeauty59
♀ Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you messedupchick for your response. I figured he "thinks" he is protecting me but I know he is lying. I can feel it in my bones. I appreciate your candor and your insight. Thank you again.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaldwinBeauty,
Yes, one of the options is that he thinks he is protecting you. Realistically, he is most likely continuing to protect himself. With each with each check on the list, he is risking making you angrier and angrier, until eventually you hit your limit and say That's It! I can't take it anymore. What he hasn't learned yet, is that the lying hurts much more and with each lie uncovered, you will still find that limit when you say That's it! I can't take it anymore.

What it boils down to in the end is fear. Fear of what it means if he says those things out loud, fear of what your reaction will be, fear of losing you, fear of hurting you more.

So many factors. But I would have to agree, I believe he isn't being honest with you.


Me: WS 41
Him: BH 42 (holdingtogether)
M: 17 years, together 21
2 Daughters: 12 and 9
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if I'm in the right place. Looking for ws that view a lot of porn. I've gone into the sites he visits daily and notice 99% of them have women in the vicinity for sex. Is the hook up
what happens when the viewing stops working or do most just view and that's enough. I would really be shocked if he were doing that but then again I've heard that porn is like any other addiction and you have to keep upping the anty. Thank you


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 3974 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Ostrich, I am not really what you were looking for to answer your question, as I do not really view porn, but in case no one does...

This sounds like porn/possibly Sex Addiction. Have you read any literature on it? That may help answer your questions better, unless a WS comes along that participated in the activities your described.

I can recommend some literature about Sex Addiction (which includes porn/ acting out online or finding people online to act out with, etc etc) or you can check out the Spouses of Sex Addicts thread here in ICR for some recommendations of resources to help inform you on this kind of thing.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ostrich,

Is he viewing porn daily? What is the definition of a lot?

If he is searching for porn within a specific geographic region, and viewing daily, then that would be worrisome.

As far as addiction, it is the same as anything else (drugs/alcohol). Some have a tendency to fall into addiction, others, not so much. Would viewing daily be considered addiction? Weekly? Monthly?

I think it would be more important to look at whether he can respect your boundaries. From the info in your tag-line, it sounds like he is incapable of respecting your boundaries.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
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