The affair wasn't about OW's looks, brains or any other attribute. In my case, OW had a face like a raisin (extreme wrinkles), no fashion sense (dressed very frumpy)and a body that was just so-so. I, on the other hand, have been told that I look younger than my age, am in excellent physical condition and love to dress well.
So, take back your self and wear your hair the way that makes YOU happy.
OW was a hairdresser and obssessed about her.
Well after DDAY my spouse talked about hair a few time (more than before)..mine is wavy curly (brown and highlighted carmel) layered and a little past shoulders---he always said he like long hair-- which I straighten on occasion..
OW was bone straight, (dark blonde with lighter blonde highlights) bobbed to above shoulders, so one time he mentioned that there are conditioners you can use to tame the curl/frizz...HMMMM...where did that come from!
Then he asked when my next hair apt was..I said why does my highlights look like they need redone.. He said no- you just look really good when you come back from the salon... and he told me I could get my hair done(no matter the cost) when I needed too....HMMM
I told him I only want to hear from him about my hair if he has a compliment to give me..otherwise I don't want him to say anything at all about my hair. And, if he finds he doesnt like it..I'm sure I can find someone who does..after our divorce because I won't have an affair on you like you did me!!!
I do get mad and portray more self confidence than I have..but I am sure it is true I would find someone out there again :)
I think he got the point!
(I have never me the OW but I know (obviously) what she looks like. So many times I thought about something I wanted to say to her but I never sought her out.
Today I was walking in a store and saw a woman with long brown hair. I did a double take, as I always do now, to see if it was her. And, IT WAS!!! I checked her out briefly,then decided I was going to take this chance and confront her. I walked over to her and if she was (name) and she smiled really big and said "yes". I asked if she knew who I was and she did not. So I told her my name and she still looked blank. I then said, "You were sleeping with my husband a year ago". I don't recall exactly what her reaction was at that point, but I told her what I have wanted to tell her. I said "I assume you are a nice person and I want you to know that what you did really hurt me and affected my life. I want you to have a face with what you did... a real person because what you did was really wrong. i know my husband probably told you he was married but didn't love his wife anymore and was going to leave me whether or not he was with you. But even so, you tell a married man to deal with his own life first and if he really gest divorced, then you can get together." She was not mean or rude, but not really nice either. She wanted to make a point to tell me that she wasn't the one who chased my husband around the gym. I said that I didn't care and that she should have given him her phone number and that she was just a big a part of it. I told her that she came into my life and along with my jusband hurt me tremendously and that it was like being raped by a stanger, not knowing who this person was that had affected me so. And now I have seen her and talked to her. She told me a time or two that this wasn't the venue for this conversation. I asked where that would be... her home? Her work? Anyway, I asked her if she still worked in this building that my husband sometimes works in, she refused to answer which I thought was jerky. Anyway, she had big fake boobs and more wrinkles than I thought. And guess what... her hair is really sringy! I took a photo of her from behind before I talked to her! She is attractive but not as perfect as I thought, I didn't think she was very nice and mostly I just think she is a self centered person who liked getting admiration from men. I told her to have a nice life and walked away.
The husband is very uncomfortable that this happened. He wants to leave her in the past. He doesn't understand that she is with me every day and he put her there. Perhaps this will help me heal in the long run. What do you think? Should I have stayed away and just observed her>
"Forgive: sounds good. Forget: I don't think I could. They say, 'Time heals everything' but I'm still waiting."
Why do they think we ca sweep it all under a rug....I think you did great...let her know there was a time in her life she stole from someone and was a very "ugly" person!
What matters is I was safe, loved and growing older with my form of grace and beauty when I discovered the affair. Wrinkles were character lines and, signs of smiling too much. I would laugh and do a "Before/After for my WH by making my belly slim then not. I didn't mind aging because to WH (In my mind) I would always be beautiful.
In the past 11 months, since my discovery of the A and subsequent R, WH stole my belief of ageless beauty. It infuriates me.
I will never resort to surgical procedures for age reversal or enhancements. I like my 34B's even if they appear to be playing dowsing rods when I remove my bra.
I hope someday he can touch a wrinkle and see beauty. That he can laugh as I squint at fine print and look for my reading glasses. To lovingly offer support when my body becomes fragile. That he can see beauty in growing old together.
He doesn't understand that she is with me every day and he put her there.
exactly what goes on ...
My OW is 13 years younger than me, I asked my husband what she had so interesting... he said: she had my style, my type: make up, hair up, short shorts, tiny tops... heels... I said, ok I will dress up like this so I can get the same atention. he: NO!!Why you want to dress up like a whore? me: So now what? She is a whore? You said she was yout type! |Being dressed up like a slut is your type? So I never ever was your type!!!Why did you waste my time???
I know there is nothing to do but... she is only 23 but drinking and partying hard made her look older, and she is never without make up... my WS never saw her without. And... she has no boobs, no ass,her belly is worse than mine... and I had 2 kids... and she doesn't know how to use her hands, mouth, body in bed. she was just there, like a doll. And so drunk most of the times my WS didn't know if she was still awake or not. He never let her touvh him because she didn't know what and how to do... and even though, he liked and she found him amazing!!!!
Do I want to be this kind of woman? hell no!!!!!
A few weeks after dday I finally found pics of OW3. Shortly after, I saw OW1 and OW2 IRL.
OW2 is about 5'2" and has very dark hair down to her waist.
OW1 and OW3 are both about the same height - close to 5'. OW1 has short blond hair. OW3 had medium length blonde hair.
OW3 changed her hair style and colour when she started with FWH - to the same as mine! We live in a small town and I later found out she told my hairdresser she knew me(she didn't - well actually I didn't know her), really liked my cut and colour and wanted the same!!! So sick. Scary thing she must have asked FWH who did my hair to do this!
So. Since dday I have changed my cut and colour. If she wants to look like me she can try. But that will be difficult as I am 5'11" and now wear my hair quite differently.
Please don't change yourself to be like her. I had to change my hair cut and colour because it sickened me to think her hair was like mine. Fortunately I really like my new look.
Don't ever think you need to look like OW.
In your shoes I would make sure I was quite the opposite.
As far as looking like OW - you couldn't pay me enough to change one thing about myself to be like her. I have gone a bit too far out of my way to do exactly the opposite.
"Well I've been had, yeah I guess that's how it looks. And it's not funny like on TV, and it's not smart like it is in books."
In my case, MOW and I are similar. Sheís a year older. Same background and social class. Her dad was an accountant, so was mine. Same start in careers. Sheís slightly shorter and slightly plumper, but we have similar figures and skin tone and were probably even more alike when we were younger. We live in the kind of properties each could have chosen, I would find her house quite comfortable and she would feel at home here in my house (not that sheís been inside, thank goodness) When I met her, even our hairstyles were the same. We have similar personalities and share the same birthsign. I think she is more attractive, but she thinks fWH sees me as saintly, an angel
I have always had enormous lack of confidence in my looks and figure. I think people have complimented me because they want to say something nice but donít mean it or are just being sarcastic, so the affair shattered what little self esteem I had. I have had a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that it was nothing to do with me or anything about me.
During the affair, MOW tried to take bits of me and stick them on herself to show WH that she could take my place. She wanted to be me. After d-day, I wished I was more like her. I wished I WAS her.
But - Itís not about looks. Or long/short/blonde/black/straight/wavy hair. Or job. Or personality. Or any of that. Itís about filling the void inside the WS. If it hadnít been that particular OW/MOW, it would have been another. Or alcohol. Or drugs. Or gambling. Or work. Or obsessive competitive sport. It would have been SOMETHING and it would have still been nothing to do with you or how you look or what you are or how many kids you have or donít have or what your mother is like or what size shoe you take. We examine and pick ourselves to pieces over some imagined flaw or inadequacy. It isnít your flaw or inadequacy, those are the faults in your WS.
So look at yourself in the mirror and know you are just fine as you are.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 9:49 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)]
My XW had long hair when we started. A few months in she cut it to chin length of or and has kept it that way for 10 years. I like long hair. But she was beautiful either way, and it was her hair. She was beautiful when we shaved our heads to raise $ for childhood cancer research. I, for some reason, prefer unpainted nails on a woman. Didn't matter if she painted hers or not. There are lots of people I had more intellectual discussions with, didn't matter. I loved her for who she was, not how she made me feel.
So just do what you want. And remember, H was living in la-la land during A. Of course her hair didn't seem stringy to him. He was projecting what he needed on to her. Do what you want to do, it's your hair, but don't do it because that's his type or that's what OW had.
"You could stand me up at the gates of Hell but I won't back down"
oh, and by the way...she used to be a stripper at 2 of the local strip clubs in town. so, nah...i dont want to be anything like her.
I am uniquely me!
You know why he chose his AP's? Because they were available and they blew rainbow colored farts his way. That's it.
It isn't about us.
My journey to survive from my husbands multiple affairs and sex addiction.
He claimed that he loved my silver hair, and in fact always admires women he sees with long silvery hair. OW is a bottle blond.
OW actually grew her hair out at one point (trying to look like me?). She hated it, though, and had her hair cut ultra-short. FWH raved about the look in his e-mails.
Yet, if I have my hair cut above shoulder length, he complains that it is too short.
It just doesn't matter. An available and needy broken woman, regardless of the hair or body type, is the only requirement, apparently.
To echo SamanthaBaker: It isn't about us.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA