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User Topic: BS's At The Same Workplace As The OP
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A thread for BS's Only.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting to see this thread pop up. I helped to hire one of FWW's OM at the place where I worked at the time. I thought he was a friend, a co-worker of her's where they worked. Little did I know he and FWW were haveing an A that would last just over a year. I wondered why he was such an A$$hole to me once he started working where I did. It was not until out dday (a different OM) more than 2 years later that I understood it all.

I ended up working there for another 3 years and had to work with OM from time to time. It as very difficult at first, but towards the end I got to indifference. I now work elsewhere, and do not have to see OM at work. I do run in to him from time t time as we live in the same community.

Fortunately I "out-ranked" OM, he was a bit of an A$$hole (not just my opinion), so I was able to control the situation and intimidate him more than he did me. Still, it was a trigger everytime I had to work with him. Looking at his stupid smiling face knowing he and my FWW had sex, said ILY, etc.

Thanks for this thread mods.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
PhoenixGirl
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Member # 34181
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone out there who is in this awful situation! LifeBlownToBits and I have often commiserated on how hard it is to work at the same place as OP, so we requested this ICR thread. Please remember that ICR threads are NON-VENTING places - (go to General if you need to vent) - so this is more to look for empathy from others who find themselves in this situation.

Introducing myself, I am an administrator at a hospital where my fWH is a pharmacist. For a while, he worked nights - where he met the OW. They became friends on facebook, moved to the inappropriate... and the rest is history. (His flirtatious behavior with nurses had long annoyed me, but of course I was floored when it moved from flirting to beyond).

Anyway, she works nights, I work days. I had never met her - only ever seen a picture - but every day when I come into work, I know that I might run into her as I leave and she comes in. And, one day last January, it happened - and I had the confrontation I'd had so many times in my head.

It didn't go particularly well nor was it as satisfying as I hoped. And, she complained to HR, so I then went to the situation where both my boss and the COO (acting VP of HR at the time) ended up knowing about my fWH's A. Tremendously painful.

Since that time, it's been even harder to come into work knowing I might see her. And, on several occasions, I have. I think it's a particular kind of hell to have to work with the OP, so I'm curious how many of us are in this situation...


BS-Me(43)
fWH-(44)
DDay-3/11

The grief within me has its own heartbeat. It has its own life, its own song. Part of me wants to resist the rhythms of my grief, yet as I surrender to the song, I learn to listen deep within myself-Alan Wolfelt


Posts: 500 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Upstate New York
MiniPenny
♀ New Member
Member # 36486
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I work for the same company, as does the OW, although she is based in an office in another city. I don't have to see her frequently, but I do have to hear her voice on conference calls and see emails from her.

I knew the first time I met her that she was trouble. We were all three in a training class and she spent the entire time smiling and batting her eyelashes at my H. When I interacted with her, however, she was very cold and standoffish. Later that evening she started sending my H text messages about recipes. I told him he needed to nip that right away...apparently he did not.

They ended up working on a project together a few months later and it was the perfect storm for her to get to him. She had already sent us both FB friend requests, I believe she "friended" me in order to make herself seem harmless and to get more information about our lives together. I know she looked through all of my photos because she made a comment about a photo I had posted years before and then looked uncomfortable that she had given herself away. This has taught me a valuable lesson on trusting my instincts on who I let into my life, even a little. I caught her looking at me the time that I saw her right before the A started and thought to myself, "She's going to try to steal my H." How I wish I hadn't dismissed that intuition...though I don't know if I could have changed anything. I was foolishly confident that my H would turn her away, I didn't think she was attractive, interesting, or smart enough for him to be attracted, but at the time I knew nothing about affairs and that those things don't really matter to someone who is broken inside.

She moved fast, the flirting started right away and she persisted until she got what she wanted, which only took about a week. They started to meet in hotel rooms for sex, went to lunch together all the time, tried to see each other as much as possible under "work" pretenses, constantly texted/messaged/emailed/called. When I started finding evidence, they just took it underground, further each time I found additional clues. I finally found full evidence of EA/PA after it had been going on two months and H ended it with her two days later.

I called her the next week and insisted she return my call if she didn't want me to show up at her office to talk. I gave her the standard, "Stay away from my H or I will ruin you" speech and she said very little because she is a coward. I have not had any personal contact with her since except to run into her at a meeting. The smug look on her face makes my blood boil.

H has agreed to leave the company and I plan to as well after he gets settled in elsewhere. If justice prevailed, OW would be the one leaving and I could make that happen with all of the evidence I have. It's still an option, but I often think I'd rather just find another job because this one is now full of triggers and reminders. It would probably be better for my healing to just move on.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2012
PhoenixGirl
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Member # 34181
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the worst thing about this is that my workplace, which was formerly a place where I felt self confident, respected, in control and engaged has now become someplace that it is a constant trigger. So, instead of just impacted my "personal life" with his A, my fWH has made my workplace an emotionally challenging place to be.


BS-Me(43)
fWH-(44)
DDay-3/11

The grief within me has its own heartbeat. It has its own life, its own song. Part of me wants to resist the rhythms of my grief, yet as I surrender to the song, I learn to listen deep within myself-Alan Wolfelt


Posts: 500 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Upstate New York
lifeblowntobits
♀ Member
Member # 33687
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you mods for this thread for those of us in this unique situation!!

I will post my story later, I'm at work today and just wanted to pop in and say that I look forward to getting and giving support for the unique situation we are in!!


Me-BS-44, Him-WH-45-very remorseful
OW-Married, opportunistic co-worker whore
DD#1 7-30-2011: everything else lies until 2-12-12
Married 11years, DS19y, DS15y
2.5 years out: in a good place, light at the end of the tunnel


Posts: 1646 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Illinois
MiniPenny
♀ New Member
Member # 36486
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, instead of just impacted my "personal life" with his A, my fWH has made my workplace an emotionally challenging place to be.

I completely agree, I wish I had work to focus on that could provide a bit of respite from the A, but instead, my work just compounds the misery. I've found that I do better emotionally on weekends when I can disconnect from work. It seems like an advanced level of disrespect for the WS and OP to carry on like that in a professional environment where the BS is present with complete disregard for how it is going to impact the BS professionally. I honestly don't know how we continue to function in the workplace, sometimes I am shocked that I am able to do so.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2012
lifeblowntobits
♀ Member
Member # 33687
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay!! A thread for this really awkward, really sticky, really sucky situation!!! As Phoenix Girl said, her and I have commiserated for quite some time about this horrible wrinkle in our spouses As.

I am a nurse, my fWH is a RT (respiratory therapist), and his OW is a RT also. I work days, and they work nights...all at the same hospital. I don't see her often, but am always aware of the days I go in when I could possibly have the chance of seeing her leaving. fWH has changed around as many of his nights as he can so as not to work with her, but still has 3nights every 2weeks he has to work with her. (Yeah, those 3 nights are hell for me....Ambien and me are friends on those nights!!) I have been employed by my hospital for 10 years, he has only worked there for 4 years and the OW only about 2 years.

I struggled those first few months after d-day with constantly triggering at work and the reality that I have no stress free place to go. I deal with the A at home, and I deal with the A at work...makes a person very stressed and anxious!!


I honestly don't know how we continue to function in the workplace, sometimes I am shocked that I am able to do so.
^^Totally agree with this Mini!! I am a nurse and my job can be very high-stress. I ended up taking almost a month off post d-day b/c I felt I could not do my job as well as I could pre d-day!


Me-BS-44, Him-WH-45-very remorseful
OW-Married, opportunistic co-worker whore
DD#1 7-30-2011: everything else lies until 2-12-12
Married 11years, DS19y, DS15y
2.5 years out: in a good place, light at the end of the tunnel


Posts: 1646 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Illinois
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is at the same worplace and on the same team as the OW. I have asked him to move but he has said no.

I only recently found out about the A but I have suspected for about a month and half. They are getting ready to travel for work again and I cannot understand how he can do this.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013

Posts: 226 | Registered: Oct 2012
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, great ICR thread!

I work with my W's OM. I hired him 10+ years ago, promoted him, became very good friends with him, and helped him land another job in our department when we outsourced everything 3 years ago. He repayed me by spending years chasing my wife, and eventually having an affair with her.

And now, while he doesn't report to me, we work in the same department, and sit less than 100 feet apart.

I've gotten to the point where I don't go into full-blown panic attack when I see him in the hallways, but that took a bit. I do not, and will not, be in the same room as him ever, which makes for some awkward situations when we're both invited to the same meetings. My tact now is to simply tell folks what happened, when they ask why I'm dialing into meetings from my office, when I would normally just walk down the hall to the conference room. But overall, it sucks, big time. Every time I leave my office, I feel like I'm on guard, never knowing where or when I'll see him. A few weeks ago, when we passed each other by a stairway door, and it startled me as we nearly ran into each other, I actually started to cock my arm to punch him, but stopped myself. He never makes eye contact or looks at me, so I'm guessing he didn't even notice this flinch/reflex when it happened.

Anyway, great thread, and once again... sucks to be a member of this 'elite club'.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Fightingmad
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Member # 37330
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG. I AM IN SAME SITUATION. I am a physician in small hospital. I am the bread winner and have no options. I helped a "friend" get a job there before dday and before I knew she was the OW. I had suspected but pushed my female instincts aside. I mean how could a woman (and my H for that fact) be in our house with all our kids and act /lie to all our faces without a morsel of shame.

I ran into her the other day for first time since dday 3 weeks ago. I was taking care of sick patient. I said nothing but can not believe how much it rattled me. The town I live in is very very small and this will happen repeatedly.

How can I keep my dignity?


Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Married 10 yrs
Together 11 1/2 years
I've loved him forever
4 beautiful children ages 4-12 (one not bio his) but his through love


Posts: 597 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lolati11
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Member # 34915
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, November 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my first of thank you so much for this thread .here is my soap opera .WH me and OW work for the same company I work in a different location than WH and OW ...it drives me crazy that they work together I went even crazier when she switched department and got closer to WH ..who by the way is doing an amazing job ...my worst nightmare was on the one year of DDay I had to entertain OW ( who was my very best friend by the way ) and her boss it was so hard I felt like I was going to cry I even thought about calling off but there was no way I was going to miss work ...she came dressed in white and with bright red lipstick ...I must say I did a darn good job now I know that I have to see her every 3month for regional meeting that I host at work ...we had to of the, so far and she is still an idiot I still get anxious before the meetings but you know what I know I can do it ..the only thing that bothers me is that OW acted like we never stopped talking like we were still friends ....that took me off guard not sure how to handle that in the future there is usually about 30 min to mingle before the meeting starts ...


Me:33
Him: 50
OW: a monster that I called friend before
D-Day:June 20,2011


You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2012
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does everyone else handle situations where you're "forced" to be in the presence of the OP? As I've said, I refuse to attend any meetings he's present at, but tomorrow is a quarterly all-staff meeting... in our building. I may have to call in sick and dial in, or something like that. I am really stressing about being in the same room, even if a hundred+ others are present. It's taken me a while to get past the panic attacks of just seeing him in the hallway.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Leaving work last night, opened the door in the stairwell, and OM was right there, at the bottom of the stairs. We both maintained eye contact for a full second or two before looking away, and hurriedly passing each other, trying to avoid contact. It rattled me, deeply.

Last night, horrible dreams, two that I can remember. The first was just an extension of what happened. Except way more extensive. OM was everywhere at work, itís like I couldnít avoid him. It wasnít my work building though, it was some old weird school-like environment. Sitting in a basement, outside a seldom-used break-room, OM shows up. Trying to walk back to my office, and OM is standing there, bullshitting with my boss, so I couldnít get into my office. They were like old friends, chumming it up, which really pissed me off. Sitting in a meeting, and him refusing, but wanting to, talk about the subject matter. Trapped there, as we had to have this meeting. Horrible.

In the second dream, I woke up, and was very disoriented. The OM's girls were at our house. Whining, and snotty, obviously had colds. Me, trying to be civil with them, wondering why the fuck they were at our house. My sister there, but not my wife. Somehow I realized or found out that wife was at work, and she had arranged to babysit them a while back, but then got scheduled to work, so had to call my sister to help out. Me, slowly realizing ďWTF, when did she talk to OM or OBS, and WHY did she agree to do this?!?!?Ē. Actually did wake up after this one.

I was so stressed for the first hour I was awake, my body was coiled like a snake again. Fighting complete panic attack/breakdown, trying to stay distracted. Started again when I arrived at work; panic attack symptoms hitting me as I saw OM's car in the lot, and walked into the building.

This is SO NOT GOOD. Up and down, back and forth. I canít stand being here, being around him. Itís tearing me up.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Trusttrusttrust
♀ Member
Member # 37694
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, December 16th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's OP works with him. It is a problem that I have to deal with. He told her NC and I am supposed to believe him. I have a hard time believing anything he says. He is not going to quit his job and I just pray she leaves first. Mondays, I hate Mondays cause he goes to work. I hope I can sleep tonight.


Married 31 years
D-Day Sept 3, 2012
I thought we were in R. Now I am not sure.
Second D-Day August 5' 2013
No kids

Posts: 97 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
MammaMia
♀ Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, December 16th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a question to Mods:
is this thread ONLY if WS and OP work together? What about other situations where they see each other and so does BS occasionally?


And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 812 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is this thread ONLY if WS and OP work together?

Not a mod... but this thread is for BS that work at the same place as the OP. NOT WS working with their AP.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Topic Posts: 17

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