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Newest Member: Devestatedbeyond (44583)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My Story and a question
keptmypromise
♂ Member
Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will stick to responding to your question about getting over this...time...then time...and then some more time. Your wifes remorse, and how she treats you, conducts herself. How transparent is she? Do you want to know all the details? I mean everything? I am 13 month's out...I still think about it every day...my wife would not provide details...so the mind movies are still playing...we, as betrayed spouses, need the truth, no matter how sordid...so we can deal and move forward. This pain is not short term, so be patient...but watch her carefully...you can recover, but it is up to her to help you...if she is not up to it, be prepared to move on.


Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
Heartbroke40
♂ New Member
Member # 36089
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for responding. I was starting to feel know one read that long post lol. My wife and I have to decided to try and R and I do mean TRY. She has given transparency, I think she has been honest "but I didn't know when she was lying the first time", she has been conducting herself as a married women and seems to be proud of not living a lie.

With that said, I am still triggering all the time. Everything that I remember over the last 2 years I am relating to the OM.


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, July 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB40

It is good you are willing to give R a try, but please, do so cautiously. You are still a little foggy yourself. we BHs tend to rush into R thinking we can fix this mess, when we cannot. This mess was 100% caused by our WWs and they really do not have the skills to R, at least not for a long time.

Before you swear on your honor that you want to R, make sure she knows the conditions. And yes, she is going to think you are a controlling asshole for putting conditions on R, but without them, you will never ever feel safe (or safe enough) around her, no matter how good her acting skills might be.

Absolute transparency, stop fighting you over your decision (and it is YOUR decision, not hers) to disclose the A to whomever you need to, to demand IC for her, MC if you want it, stop flirting with other men (she has no boundaries), or whatever you need to feel safe. But you must know what you want before you present it to her (and do so in a non-threatening way - but be clear these are what you need to heal...)

Trust me on this, you may fear losing her. But that is way better than living with a woman who thinks it is okay to screw other men and then cry a little and get you to chase her back. You will never be able to live with yourself if you become that man.

R is hard. My fWW is more engaged in our marriage than ever. She has dropped the woe-is-me, pretty princess selfishness and is really engaged. It is a more balanced marriage than ever. But triggers still happen and my heavy bag is still regularly abused...

Strength to you brother.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 898 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB

In case you did not see this, you might want to look at what a seriously remorseful WW will tell her BH if she is really interested in R.

I think your wife is on the road, but not there. I hope she is able to look deep and give you what you need to heal and feel safe being with her.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=464492


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 898 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Heartbroke40
♂ New Member
Member # 36089
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well here I am again. I am feeling like such a dumd ass. I thought all was going well, then I find
out my wife met a guy in a hotel for sex.

I don't understand how she could do this to me again. I will write more in a bit but please pray for me. My phone is acting up.


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
BrokenPieces
♀ Member
Member # 7685
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that you are going through this again. (((HUGE HUGS))) and I am praying for you.


BS-40
Red Headed Imps 10 & 8
DDay 1/05
Divorce final 6/21/06
My new life is GRAND.
Married my new beginning 6/09

Posts: 2290 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Greater Seattle Area
Simic
♂ New Member
Member # 36675
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroke40,

Man, I am terribly sorry that you and yours have to go through this nightmare again.

If you feel like talking about it, WTH happened. Do your children know, are you ok? I remember reading your and your WW posts and I thought that you were well on your way to a successful R. Once again man, I'm sorry.

I know how terrible it was for me to go through this the first time. I can't imagine going through it again.

God bless you and your family.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: North Carolina
Heartbroke40
♂ New Member
Member # 36089
Flame  Posted: 2:23 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just can't believe she did this to me again. I was really trying to be everything she wanted and do all that she wanted. I should have listened to the people on TAM when they said was not remorseful and she was playing me. I have even found that she met the original OM again after she came on here. She stated this was just to get some closure and all they did was kiss goodbye.

Now the most recent encounter involved her meeting a guy in a hotel room for a quickie with man she met on the computer. She stated that he made her feel sexy and he understood her. Well I guess cheaters can understand each other.

At this point I don't know what to do she is begging me not to leave her but I really don't know why she is doing so. I have been questioning myself so much lately and wondering if I am missing the "Kick Me Sign" somewhere on my body. She is now on me a lot for sex and I do enjoy it with her but as soon as we start up I get the mental images and it makes going through it very hard which makes my wife feel like I do not love her. I feel very ugly most days because if I was more handsome I feel like she would not have been looking outside our marriage.

My mind is telling me to go but my heart wants to be with her.


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry brother.

This all sucks. A random dude she met on the internet? Wow, after what you had been through before? Just messed up brother.

Protect yourself. Physically to start with. NO SEX! At least not unprotected. Even then... Get to a doctor. Do you have any idea of what the STD rate is in the general public? This is some dude from the net who in all likelihood trolls women regularly. Much higher risk

See a lawyer. Regardless of what your heart says, see one. At least discover your options.

Implement the 180. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11. Get some breathing room. You've got some decisions to make and her input is the last that you need. Her honesty is somewhat in question right now.

On that note, are you sure that this is the only other guy? Have you checked the computer and phone? I seriously doubt that this was her first hook-up.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Heartbroke40
♂ New Member
Member # 36089
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have checked all of these things again as I now have some experience in these things "Which I wouldn't anyone to have to learn the way I did" but I just don't have the energy to keep checking up on her. I just want the life of happily married man who loves his kids and has a spouse that values and loves him. I guess this is to much to ask for now days. Instead I get self loathing and feeling very inadequate in every part of my life.


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Instead I get self loathing and feeling very inadequate in every part of my life.

Stop right there. Don't go down that road. This isn't about you and never has been. This is ALL on her. Sure, some faults in the M. Everyone has been there.

Look, this is at least her second affair. She had to get the boob job. What else does she do to get external validation? She's got some really big issues that have absolutely nothing to do with you. She has something wrong inside and there's no-way that you can fix it. That's up to her and her IC.

180, work on YOU! Protect the kids.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Heartbroke,

Please listen to 5454.

This is NOT about you.

I understand that you are still feeling guilty for past actions of your own but that does not mean that she gets to rub your face in filth.
You do not roll over and await a spurious punishment. You had corrected your behaviour....seen your truth and changed.

This belongs to HER alone.

TWO people in a marriage, ONLY.

Give up feeling guilty and sad and get calm and busy. Act as if it is over and make it so, Number 1.

Lawyer + Bin bags = Peace

Kia kaha ((((hugs))))


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB40

Your wife has issues. You have to know this by now.

Show her real consequences.

File for divorce.
Enforce strict boundaries.
And if she keeps screwing around then have her leave the marital home.

You cannot control her, only she can control herself. And obviously she does not want to at this time.

Take action to protect yourself and the kids. She has really put your health as well as her own at risk.

HM


Posts: 817 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I just don't have the energy to keep checking up on her.
Then don't. File. Even after she was caught in LTA she not only does it again but gives the same damn dumb excuses...again. Do not let her cake eat.

I just want the life of happily married man who loves his kids and has a spouse that values and loves him. I guess this is to much to ask for now days
It is not too much to ask for. It is apparently more than this woman is capable of providing since she did not and will not truly fix her own issues.

Brother you've got to let her go. For your own sake.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3709 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Clearview
♀ Member
Member # 29565
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It hurts especially to know that your home wasn't sacred. My WH brought another into my home too. She stole money and a very precious necklace, that had been the first gift that my daughter had bought me from her own money. She had saved up money she was earning secretly doing odd jobs for neighbours.

Gently, though, I'm a little curious about this;

As to exactly what I did it was generally not caring about what she thought, if I wanted to stay out all night at the bar with my buds thats what I did, lie to here about where I was, who I was with, where all things I would do.


Was this an all night bar, or did you go somewhere after the bar had closed? If so, where did you go? Who were these "buds"? Did they stay out all night with you? Were they close friends or just people you met at the bar? Where did you tell her you had been?
You say you didn't care what she thought, but lied to her anyway. This puzzles me, why lie if you didn't care what she thought?

Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2010
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now the most recent encounter involved her meeting a guy in a hotel room for a quickie with man she met on the computer.

Was this before or after DDay???


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
LIGHTCHASER
♀ New Member
Member # 39841
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi heartbroken40, like everyone else here I can empathize with you. I wonder what your wife's attitude now. Is she regretful and has she finished her affair with the other guy? If you still love her and want to continue with this marriage you need to make sure that she is willing to work with you to save this marriage and the first step is finishing all contact with that guy. She should resign from that job and find another one. You can never feel relaxed knowing that they will see each other every day and they cannot end this shit as long as they see each other even if they want to. There is another website for only people who want to save their marriage after having experienced infidelity. I think it is a good one too. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
Good luck


DD: Mid April 2013
Married for 9 years
Have twins aged 3,5

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 37
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