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The Book Club Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Anyone read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, July 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just ordered No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. Anyone else read this and if so, did it help any?


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone bumped the thread for you, here in the Book Club.

I liked it, and got a lot out of it. It actually explained a lot to me about myself.

Why I had several of the attitudes and weaknesses I had.

Others didn't like it, or the message, so much.

[This message edited by TrustedHer at 12:30 PM, July 16th (Monday)]


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5155 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Trusted, much appreciated.

Don't think I'll be in the latter category as I'm currently on my own little "whatever it takes to change" crusade.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 3:12 PM, July 16th (Monday)]


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j - I hear Alice Cooper every time I skim over this topic.

It's actually pretty awesome.

end t/j


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17335 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When our MC told us that she had done everything she could and couldn't help us anymore, she recommended the book to WH. She recommended that I read it too. I read it and saw my WH very clearly. He is also slightly NPD. So the books scares me because we are still trying to R. He has still not been able to grasp how deeply he has hurt me and our MC told me she didn't think he could. I am working through healing on my own.

I of course want my WS to work on his dishonesty, passiveness, lack of ability to say no (to anyone but me), his porn addiction and unspoken expectations for when he does something nice - it has strings attached but I often don't know what they are and he feels like a victim.

The part of the book that scares me is that it tells men that they can demand sex, threaten to leave if they don't get it, be selfish, etc. As someone recovering from his cheating and lying as well as the effects of a giant porn addiction...I feel a lot of pressure to not take care of my own emotional needs because he is being told that its okay to expect me to give him what he wants no matter how I'm feeling.

There is a NMMNG forum and I have read some of it. Most of the men over there sound abusive and selfish. I almost cry when I read some of the threads about how wives don't give them the sex they want. . . the men sound emotionally abusive and I don't know how the women survive. (Maybe thats why so many of the men are divorcing their wives at the end of long threads). They are calling their wives all kinds of names that sound unloving, uncaring, and cold. It seems that those "nice guys" are not nice AT ALL.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's a very good book. The title is a bit weird and the ideas in it can definitely be abused by the misogynistic out there, but in general it's a good message: be a strong man, say what you mean, take care of yourself, sexual urges are natural and healthy, avoid passive aggressiveness and codependency, etc.

It actually helped me quite a bit when I was struggling with false R to make me realize that I didn't have to put up with her insane and abusive behavior.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 600 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read it, and while I do not believe that I was a "Nice Guy" aspects of it certainly applied to me and I profited from reading it.

ETA:

It seems that those "nice guys" are not nice AT ALL.

I think that is the point of the title, that the Nice Guy approach is manipulative, conflict avoiding, and neither helthy or nice.

As for sex, I tried for years to be a better husband in hopes of being rewarded with sex. I did things for stbx, I indulged her, I ignored my needs and wants. really, when sex between us dropped to once a month or less I should have seen thta as a sign that she was no longer in love with me, and if we were not able to work out our (her) issues, then I should have left the M back then. I think thta point is that is sex is important to one of the partners it should be a part of the M, not just something one partner does as a reward or to apease the other.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:48 AM, July 28th (Monday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
orbit19
♂ Member
Member # 43920
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 30th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i just bought it today

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jun 2014
hatefulnow
♂ Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, August 31st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The book is great. It made me take a hard look at myself and my relationship.

Posts: 127 | Registered: May 2012
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, September 5th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually have this on hold at the library...just got the phone call.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2080 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I'm pretty close to done with this book.

My take is that this book is excellent advice for someone trying to figure themselves out and why they feel so desperately unhappy and unfulfilled on the inside most of the time.

The advice is more or less sound:

-It's no one's job to meet your needs but your own. People can help but it's not their responsibility.

-Your unhappiness is your own fault. It's not the fault of your parents, girlfriends, wife, or women in general.

-Be authentic; stop being amorphous in an attempt to get others to like you. People will either accept who you are or they won't.

-Be honest with yourself and the people you surround yourself with. Don't lie to save face or cover your mistakes.

However, I'd also tell anyone looking to read this to throw all of the causation analysis narrative out of the window.

I mean it- all the parts that talk about the changing from an agrarian society to an industrialized one, the feminism movement, etc., ignore all of that. First off, I don't really buy those as root causes, and second of all, even if they were the root cause of these changes (which again, I don't buy), it doesn't matter one iota as far as making personal changes...it just provides a cheap, easy, scapegoat-ey narrative for the misogynistic and angry to cling to while absorbing the more sound advice contained within.

I can sort of get why some might find this book selfish and woman-hating. I don't really think it is, but in the hands of someone who's already of that mindset the information and advice could definitely be twisted to suit their ends. I'm talking about men who seek out books like this when their only central goal is to appear confident and attractive as opposed to just 'being myself' and having those qualities as a result. The kind of men who seek out websites on 'game' and how to manipulate and pick up women.

I think this book has been sort of 'lumped in' with the "Men's Movement" , which is kind of a shame because when taken by itself (and disregarding the silly parts) it offers really practical advice for 'nice guys' who are actually looking to become authentic and break the cycle.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2080 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ascendant,

I think you did a great summary of the book, good job!

atsenaotie


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, after 100% finishing the book, I again want to re-iterate: please disregard the 'historical' causation aspects of the book, as well as any parts that semi-gush about all the benefits that the male subjects experienced in regards to women (Wives or girlfriends, really).

That aspect, if it happens, is great....but it's not the reason for making these changes. It's like the 180; if you're paying attention to the other person while doing it, then you're probably doing it wrong.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2080 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree Ascendant. Great message mixed with a few weird sociological and historical references which can be ignored.

For me, the most eye opening idea what that my wants and needs actually mattered, and I didn't have to try to fit them into my wife's or anyone else's view of what they should be.

The book as a whole is a brilliant antidote to codependency IMO.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 600 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The book as a whole is a brilliant antidote to codependency IMO.
Agreed. The whole program is designed to break so-called 'Nice Guys' of codependency as well as passive aggressive traits.

After poking around on some Men's forums, though, some guys take it too far, i.e. "I should never do anything I don't want to" or ""My wife should cater to my wants/needs"

Breaking the pattern of being a "nice guy" doesn't mean you stop helping with the dishes or laundry, bro.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2080 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 15

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