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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is SA is still not accepted as a real condition in mainstream society. So people are quick to pooh-pooh it

Goodness, there have been a couple of lively discussions on SI in JFO & G in which some of the members deny/disbelieve in the reality of SA or porn A.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8758 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
2kidsandadog
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had males patronize me when I say my ex was a "sex addict". They typically laugh and say "all men are sex addicts"!

I've had to shut them down hard and let them know real quick it's no laughing matter. Even my ex sister in law (his sister) minimizes her brother's behavior and labeled his masterbation as "normal" for guys because you are right, most people don't know what the fuck they are talking about and would rather make fun of the "stereo type" that all men are sexual animals and we women are just too pent up and cold to give them credit.

It's a very real thing that impacts a person like most addictions, but in a very different, strange way. I always had anxiety over leaving my kids alone with him when they were litte.

It is a hard thing to diagnose.

I'm with you all, I never saw any signs or would have even known what they were when I met my ex as a teenager. We were together 8 years and never saw any strange sexual behavior out of him, but I'm certain it was there but I was too young to even know.


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sitting in my bedroom all broken up. I am probably without doubt at yet another low point in my life.

I have been sitting on my thoughts for too long and holding on to hope that maybe he would get it himself.

Yesterday I was in bed all day long, sick. I kept tossing and turning with different scenerios in my head.
I couldn't take it any more.

I calmly approached him and let him know that I have no wishes to argue.

In a nutshell, I asked him if he went to the place and he denied it.

I didn't scream, yell...I just calmly told him that, he was lying and that is one of the reasons I do not feel safe with him anymore, in addition to everything else.

It was a very gut wrenching time for me. I wasn't even angry as much as hurt and sad. How very sad for him..to feel he has to lie to be with me or with himself.

I am not sure where this will go from here...but this is the very first time I have pretty much let it go. Well, as much as I could let it go. For the first time in thiw whole mess, I am finally felling that I need to let him go. My heart is truly breaking. He is not a mean person, he is not a serial cheater, he has been a wonderful father and for the most part husband...so this is taking a tremendous amount of pain for me to move to this point.

I called my counselor and she will see me in a bit...so I hope to gather some strength there.

I can't imagine my life without him. I really can't. So, it was a matter of crushing who I am to live an unauthentic life or die now so that I may live.

I told him that he needs to be happy and there doesn't seem like we need to fight over this. I will not live with certain things and it is as simple as that..
He tried to say that he can't live with someone "spying" on him. I told him that he was right.

We talked some more...I felt his trying to "blame" me but I told him it really doesn't matter who is to blame anymore..it is what is going to be done about it and how to fix it but I do know what I need and want in my life and this type of life, lies, deceit etc was not what I signed up for when I married him.
He wasn't terrible but the little bit he did say...just made me realize I need to let him go...he is either going to get it and get help or not.
I got upset and be dammed with the rule, never let them see you cry..I cried but this time it was not tears of begging but tears of resignation...I had to remove myself from the room and told him I needed a minute to continue.

I was in the laundry room putting stuff in the dryer..I sat on the ledge and put my head down. He came and put his arm on my back and said he was sorry..that I did deserve to be happy. I said I can't do this anymore...I can't play games, I don't know how to play games and that he needs to work on himself. I suggested that he go to a new counselor, tell him the truth and nothing but the truth...not for me but for himself cause he will never be free of the demons until he does.
I came in my bedroom and didn't hear him leave the house but he left.
I am scared shitless of this whole process and as much as I know that I need to be where I am at the moment..I want to fix it...call him and tell him that I am there.

Stop me please...remind me...why I need to be strong...that my love and giving person is exactly what is causing me to be hurt over and over again by those that say they love me.

Sorry I can't write anymore.
It just doesn't seem to convey how much pain I am in right now. I have loved him with all my heart and then some...He is all I know


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
cheetabump
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Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by cheetabump at 4:56 PM, October 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry for the extra post

[This message edited by cheetabump at 4:53 PM, October 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cheetah, just wanted to send a quick post to let you know that you are heard, and my heart aches for you. I am so sorry that you are going through this, but it sounds like you are doing what you need to do for you. I am sorry he isn't in a place to give you what you need. Sending strength and peace your way.

(((((((((cheetah)))))))))


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have so many questions after reading the last few pages of this SA thread:

-what else happens at ABS? I am completely in the dark about this one. My WH has admitted that he has been to an ABS to get a DVD because he thought it would be "safer" than watching porn on the internet. I'm sure everyone will have a field day with that one, but in my naivete, I took it at face value. He also told me that he has thrown away the DVDs. Which leads me to my next question:

-are there certain "common" areas for SAs to have their secret stash? I have looked way in the back of the cabinet where we keep our DVDs, but I didn't find any there.

-besides KL, VAR, GPS; are there any other recommendations for surveillance after the confrontation that I will soon have: CSAT or D? Since I think he will likely not agree to CSAT, I haven't even thought about the scenario where he might agree, but not "really" being doing what he needs to do for true recovery. I like the idea of surveillance so that I can know sooner rather than later whether he is being honest or not.

-I have a friend who is a SA and I have been thinking about talking to him about our situation - recommended or not?

Thank you for your replies, Missy and hath!

Hath - I thank you for your added clarification, because with my WH, I will also need to put a time frame within which he must make an appt with the CSAT; otherwise, months will go by and when I ask him about it, he will still be "thinking about it."

So, you are spot on when you talk about being specific with the requirements of CSAT AND 12 step program AND whatever CSAT recommends. Our CSAT wants us to attend sessions together, so I won't have to guess what CSAT said, which will make it easier. Although, in MC, WH and I have come out with entirely different interpretations of what MC said, so maybe that won't work after all....

And I also get the codep thing: not, see CSAT or I will D you; but, this is what I require; if you do not do this, I cannot stay in this relationship (I think I got that right.)

Thanks, and many hugs to (((((((SA spouses))))))


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Numb, in Cheetah's case the ABS is the absolute worst kind, as she said the store was charged with selling animal porn. She has talked with a PI who told her there is a "back room", all sorts of horror stories about what all has gone on there, etc so in her case it ain't just a ABS. Yes, I am sure there are ABS that are nothing but ABS, but they are few and far between.

When I hacked into WH's gmail account after DDay, he had tons of searches for ABS with back rooms and glory holes. Sadly they are more common than you think.

As for other "stashes" to look for, if you care, are thumb drives. Sometimes they store all the porn and such on there so it is accessible but not on their actual computer. And it's portable then. Also potential evidence is secret phone. Anyone that sees escorts usually has one. But again, don't make a habit of looking for this stuff if you already know it's going on, it's very traumatic. You just look post-confrontation or if you think there is more to the story long enough to find out then quit. If you need evidence for D, you get a PI.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has started seeing a CSAT on his own, goes to SA meetings twice a week, and completed a 90-in-90 program, 90 meetings in 90 days. The thing I read over and over is that words mean nothing and they have to show you with actions that they are a changed person. I feel like he is doing the work. He has taken it past just the ways he hurt me with infidelity, and apologized for other ways he was not good to me, ways which I never even thought about until he mentioned them, and to me, that means he is truly examining his behavior in all aspects and trying to change.

I guess why I am posting is that I want to know, is that even possible with a sex addict? Are they ever changed? Are there any happy endings to this story?

Fogtrauma,
I am not one whose SA went to CSAT therapy and 12-step groups. Mine didnít even try. He remains in denial. So I donít have any experience to answer your questions, but I do believe that some are able to be successful. Yours is doing a LOT. I know itís scary to think about the future, but I would encourage you to not rush your decision. I still remember one S-Anon member giving me her ideas on staying with my SA; she told me that it was completely up to me to decide when and to not rush it if I didnít know yet. This was after the third time I caught him acting out with a prostitute. I did eventually get the strength to make the decision to leave, but I have to tell you, he didnít do ANYthing you listed aboveÖnone of it.

I also attend a lot of Al-Anon meetings and met a sex addict who is rounding out his meetings with Al-Anon as well. I see how hard he is working on himself, and I have compassion for him. My advice to you is to take things as slowly as you like as long as you are working on you and taking care of yourself. I hope the best for both you and your spouse.


Posts: 1056 | Registered: Aug 2010
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

******(((((((cheetah)))))))))******

Take one thing from this. We know that SA is progressive and likely, deadly. because it can lead to more and more risky behavior. Your WS is already engaging in high risk behavior. You are, first of all, removing yourself from that exposure, and possibly, because you've drawn the line, maybe, just maybe you'll force the bottom line.
Here's hoping.
Hugs to you...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2916 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It just doesn't seem to convey how much pain I am in right now. I have loved him with all my heart and then some...He is all I know

Cheetah - {{{{{ hugs }}}}}

I wish I could help you through this pain. It's so awful. I prayed so hard that things would be different, and it just didn't work. I wish I could come make you a cup of tea, or maybe split a BIG bottle of wine... I know it hurts.

Are you in any support groups? Are there COSA or S-Anon meetings near you? I hate to think you are trying to go this alone. A real life hug helps a lot.

Please take care of you.


Posts: 1056 | Registered: Aug 2010
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I survived the night...went to my SCAT and was validated...I felt strong but weak at the same time.

He was home when I got back, I gave him the number of another SCAT (as suggested by mine). I am doing some 180. I just don't have it in me to deal with him right now.

Today was youngest DD (23) birthday so I stayed home from work, took her shopping, relaxed and had dinner with all of us to celebrate her day.

Don't know if I mentioned but all our adult children, 31, 30 and the 23 Yo are all living back home. The oldest has a 2 1/2 son...so we have those special problems with having everyone under one roof again. UGH.

Today was a good day tho and I am just so tired, worn out from all the crying I did yesterday..I am just too tired to care about anything right now.

I will just continue to work on myself and see where my finances are. Off the top of my head I know they are a mess but I was thinking since the kids have to pay "rent"...maybe I could use their money to pay down some of the debts..which would help in the long run if I have to go it alone.

Hath...I did go to a lawyer when I first had my DD...where we live, no fault and since we both work at the same place, pensions, etc...are pretty much equal.

I just need to clear my head of the emotions and look at everything like a business deal and figure it out. I need to know that I can if I need to.


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
Beachy
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Member # 16132
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life with a SA has, IMO, an entirely different set of challenges than regular affairs. I occassionally waver on whether plan D is the right one - mostly I feel certain and am about to pull the trigger, so before I do I have a question for all of you:

Whether you reconciled or divorced, are you happy with your decision?

[This message edited by Beachy at 8:36 AM, October 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS - 39
Him: WS - 48 SA/AA, multiple D days, multiple partners, disgusting mess
Kids: 3
Divorced!!!! :)

Posts: 183 | Registered: Sep 2007
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beachy, such a good question.

Honestly I thought we would D. I gave him the boundaries and requirements, and didn't think he'd do it. I did not have my ducks in a row to pull the trigger and needed time to set it up. And yes, he did TT and all the usual stuff, but he did come through in the end. So I am immensely pleased he has stepped up and is doing the work, continues to do the work, and puts so much effort in making sure he does whatever he can to make his family happy.

However, obviously there are huge trust issues and I haven't forgiven him yet. I still trigger at things, and I don't know that I can ever be 100% sure he's doing what he's supposed to. But in all honesty IDK I could have that with anyone now. I think right now, the ball is in my court as long as he doesn't have a major relapse. I am in the phase where I am learning to forgive for myself, and if I can do that successfully we have a really good chance at R.

When I think of the alternative, going on my own when my STBXH is not in recovery, it scares the crap out of me. I did not put myself in a good position for an exit plan pre-DDay. It would have been very challenging and very stressful for me and the kids to start over. But if I have to do it now or in the future, not as hard. So I feel good about my choices. Most of the time.

Until I get to the part of will my kids respect me when they know the full story when they are grown. That's the part that I am stuck on, that is keeping me from forgiveness of him and myself, and feeling totally sure of my choices.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I'm happy with my decision. I'm glad I tried to work it out with STBX, and now I'm glad we're divorcing. For the first time in forever I believe I have a chance to be fairly happy, maybe find love, raise my children mostly the way I think they should be raised (without a raging bull in the house).

When the time came to make the decision, when I was "out" with the decision, an incredible peace with that decision landed in my lap.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8758 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Beachy
♀ Member
Member # 16132
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses. It's all very interesting to me. I also have 3 small children. I think sometimes I question if this is best for them, but in my heart I believe it is (he's not really addressing the SA/AA hard core - he's "managing" it). It would certainly be better for me. I just don't have any desire to live like this, one minute more. It's not a rash decision - I have been coming to it for years now.


Me: BS - 39
Him: WS - 48 SA/AA, multiple D days, multiple partners, disgusting mess
Kids: 3
Divorced!!!! :)

Posts: 183 | Registered: Sep 2007
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am divorcing. And I am 100 percent happy with my decision. I have two young children.

Divorce is hard, but for me it's not been NEARLY as hard as living with an addict who cheats on you. I am happy (when not dealing directly with the divorce process or my STBX). I have some big challenges in front of me in terms of starting over, but I will get through them.

My financial situation is not that great, but that has nothing to do with the decision to divorce. Rather, it's because STBX has run his career into the ground because of the SA. So I would be dealing with financial issues whether I stayed or left.

My children are doing well. I don't live in fear anymore. I finally believe I deserve better than a spouse who cheats on me in disgusting, compulsive and dangerous ways. I finally believe it's more important for my children to have divorced parents and a happy, stable home than to live with two parents in a situation that is dangerous, filled with secrets, and shameful.

Yes, I'm very happy with my decision. I just want this awful divorce DONE and over with. It's torture.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
2kidsandadog
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beachy,

Yes, I am happy I divorced him. For the first time in 30 years, I was able to breathe easier and not have to wake up with the perpetual knot in my stomach. The anxiety was so fierce at times and I fought depression off like you wouldn't believe.

Just talking about him makes my heart race and I get jittery and acquire a headache.

You damn skippy I'm happy!!


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether you reconciled or divorced, are you happy with your decision?

This is very hard for me to answer. I wish I had left when I found out about the skank I refer to as the TT back in 2002, (didn't know the extent) He stopped seeing her and took up with another whore within months.

In 2009 when I learned the truth, I did through him out temporary. It wasn't until 2010 until I got the whole story.

Now, I am just okay. I can find happiness in many things, but not my marriage. I am just okay.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2916 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether you reconciled or divorced, are you happy with your decision?

This is very hard for me to answer. I wish I had left when I found out about the skank I refer to as the TT back in 2002, (didn't know the extent) He stopped seeing her and took up with another whore within months.

In 2009 when I learned the truth, I did through him out temporary. It wasn't until 2010 until I got the whole story.

Now, I am just okay. I can find happiness in many things, but not my marriage. I am just okay.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2916 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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