I guess my ultimate hope is that if SAWH stays in recovery, they may never need to know, even if it turns out that I can't get past this and we D in the future.
I would strongly suggest you look at that. Many children of SAs end up with their own addictions, they need the information so that they can be aware of what to do if there is a problem. My CSAT is adamant that children know the basic info (nothing too elaborate) when they are old enough.
Sorry you are struggling with this. It is a hard decision. Also, I am on another diet board. Those that are successful don't really come back or don't come back often. I rarely post anymore because I have kept the weight off. Most of us here are still struggling, those that aren't don't need the support.
[This message edited by Missymomma at 3:39 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]
When I first found the tip of the iceberg, and I threw SAfWH out, I told the boys a little bit, as unemotionally and matter of factly as I could. I firmly believe that kids have a sixth sense about the underlying tension in families. No matter how well you think you are hiding it, they know when SOMETHING is wrong. And it effects them. I don't know how many times I have had students tell me that they are afraid their parents are sick, or are getting divorced, and yet, the parents say the kids don't know that there are problems, yet, there are...KIDS SENSE THE TENSION.
Kids are resilient. But secrets make them feel insecure, like the world is going to slip out from under their feet. They can deal with problems, but if the problems are imagined, they are magnified.
I don't advocate burdening them with details they have no business knowing. But they should not be hidden from some form of the truth. IMO of course. And in the case of mental illness and addiction, well, they need to know their own genetic risks.
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 7:55 PM, October 15th (Monday)]
Missymomma, Im sorry, I know how frustrating it can be to have more damage from the therapist that was supposed to be helping you. :(
Beautifulmess, sorry that he lied on something so important. If only they could realize how much worse lying is than anything else!
Just wondering...... did you all feel that way?
I feel very well and truly done living with a SA/AA. I am feeling a bit guilty b/c it seems like he is FINALLY pursuing a recovery path with SAA and IC, however, he is not giving up on alcohol. The deal is that I don't want to live in this madhouse anymore. I don't want to have to check up on him for the rest of my life.
I am finally OK with who I am, I am more balanced than I have felt in YEARS and more than ready to be on my own (even though it's a bit scary).
I don't even want to be in the same room with him - not out of anger, but I am just completely detatched from him. Completely divested from the relationship.
I feel bad for the kids, but they are young enough and not used to him being around anyway, so I think this is THE time to make the move. Thoughts??
When I said no, my therapist looked utterly shocked, though. So I wondered if I was that weird.
And the fact that there is a clear-cut plan to recovery, if it's followed is good for my anal retentive soul. Again, trusting nothing, verifying everything. But there is a blueprint, and he's/we're using it as a guide. That gives me some sense of control of my own life.
I felt tremendous relief to read that it was okay to not tolerate porn in my marriage.
^^^^^^^^THIS! Yes! and empowering! And the link to Sanon and others with the same experiences gave me the power to throw him out when I found out the extent of his acting out, and to enforce boundaries that I needed.
Things do happen for a reason I guess.
Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!
I always said I would run if I ever suspected cheating in a relationship. So here I am, married at 28 to a 32 year old man who clearly has been cheating since we were dating. So here is the long story (sorry):
When we first started dating, I found text messages between him and what was clearly an escort that had occurred over a period of 2 months. One of the exchanges went along these lines:
“When are you available”
“Cool. I’ll call you when I leave.”
When I confronted him about these, he first said she was just a friend. Then I explained that I ran the number and that it was an escort, to which, he admitted that yes it was an escort. He said he used to see them frequently (during his last relationship), but that now he just visited the sites, texted, and called them as some sort of pornography. He never admitted to cheating physically and he swore up and down he would never do this again.
A couple months later, during which time we have gotten engaged, I find that he actually called a different prostitute the week AFTER I found the texts. He says that he thought I knew about that one and that I had the timelines mixed up. I know in my head that I am right, but I wanted so badly to believe him.
Cut to many months later, we have gotten married and have a house. I find him messaging prostitutes on Yahoo messenger (clearly in attempt to hide it this time as opposed to the other times). He swears he just messaged them, but nothing ever happened and that he realized how he needed therapy. We do go to therapy, but our life during this time was hellish. I didn’t ever believe he was just messaging them. I would beg him to tell me the truth and he maintained his stories. He also made me feel terrible about feeling distrustful of him. I was this horrible person that didn’t care about his feelings when his “whole world revolved around [my] happiness”. It was to the point that I went to therapy to work through my issues that I felt were destroying our relationship.
About a month ago, I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew I was right about the cheating. I was exhausted from denying the truth to myself and I was exhausted from being beaten down with his lies. I told him that I knew he was lying and that if he doesn’t want to be honest than it was over. Being backed into a corner, he admitted that when I had found the first text messages he had cheated that time. He swore that I NOW “knew everything” and that was the only time it happened.
I left and didn’t contact him for several days. When I did, I told him that I wanted the whole truth. I knew that wasn’t everything and that if uttered the words “that was everything” I would walk out the door and never come back. Here again, backed into a corner… he admitted that when I found the phone calls the second time that he had a threesome with some prostitutes.
Of course, I got the “now you know everything” and “I swear that is it”. He begged and begged to go to counseling and that I was all he ever wanted. He even drafted a post-nuptial agreement (he is an attorney) where it states that if he sleeps with or contacts a hooker in any way then I get EVERYTHING and we have it signed and notarized. He swears that he has changed his behavior and all he wants is to be a good husband to me.
I STILL knew this wasn’t the whole truth and that night I told him that I would be looking for apartments the next day. As you can guess, I got another confession. He admitted that he had gone to a massage parlor the week after our second fight over this and that he had slept with another hooker about two months after we got married.
Of course he swears this is the whole truth, but honestly who cares? I haven’t even been able to cry over this. I feel almost relieved and validated. I can’t tell you how many fights we had where he would call me “crazy” and a “psychopath” for not believing his lies. And he does lie about everything- it’s his natural reaction to things from his childhood with a mother who had Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Borderline tendencies. Anything that ever happened, for example, spilling a drink on the floor or forgetting a towel at summer camp, was the end of world and she would fly off the handle in a manic state for days. I understand how this developed, but I fear that he also has NPD and that there is no cure or treatment for this.
Part of me pities him for this, but the other side sees the pure hell he put through and doesn’t care. He belittled my feelings and instincts in an attempt to cover his own ass and he did this without any remorse or guilt. The only way I ever found out was because I found the evidence. It is not like he came forward because the guilt was eating at him. Additionally, I have a friend who is currently cheating on her husband and I have been struggling with what to do so I had been talking to my husband about it. He was so appalled and disgusted by her actions and called her every ugly name in the book all while he was doing the same thing. This to me shows that he has some sort of separate reality from the one the rest of us live in day to day.
Probably the biggest thing right now is that I just found out last week that he had given me gonorrhea. I thought I was going to lose my mind. It was so humiliating and left me feeling so vulnerable that someone who was supposed to love me put me in physical danger. To top it off, he went to get treated and ending up testing negative. How can this be possible??? I have NEVER and I mean NEVER strayed from this relationship, nor is gonorrhea something you get from toilet seats or what not. I can only think that he got treatment for it and never let me know (of course he swears this is not the case).
Basically, I don't know how my life turned into Jerry Springer. I have never been the kind of person that suppresses my feelings, holds back, or is confused by my emotions. For the first time in my life I feel like I can't process this and figure out how I am feeling. I know how I should feel (angry, betrayed, sad, etc), but I don't think I feel those. I don't think I feel anything right now; I just feel numb. I am seeing a therapist, two actually, (one individually and one in couples therapy) and I don't feel like either one of them is really helping me unpack my feelings. The only thing I can be 100% positive that I feel is anxious - anxious because I feel like I should be making decisions about my future and I'm not doing it because I don't know how I feel about where I am at present.
I know I love my husband (or at least the person I thought he was), but I don't know if I can forgive him. He put me mentally, emotionally, and physically in danger and that isn't something I have even begun to process yet. He has some very serious issues with lying and impulse control and will probably always need to be in therapy. I know that no one is perfect, but this goes beyond a minor flaw. It is unfortunate because there is a good person in there somewhere, just underneath layers and layers and layers of bullshit.
I guess my question is, how do I begin process this? I have been journalling, using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets, reading, going to therapy, and everything I can think of to help me start processing this. What the heck is wrong with me that I can't even grieve this loss (either way it is a loss, I lost the relationship that I thought I had)? Has anyone experienced this feeling???
I am so sorry that you are here. You must be scared and extremely confused.
It sounds to me like your husband has an addiction and you have been dealing with side effects of it.
You husband is a "blamer" and that is equally disturbing as the other shit. My ex was and is the EXACT same making all of his behaviors and acting out somehow my fault.
You, obviously, know that these things aren't your fault. He came with this slow, progressing disorder and can't seem to face it.
There is nothing wrong with you honey. It's like missymomma said, it's still very new for you.
Chances are you've never had the marriage you thought or desired in your head. He's made his problems your fault somehow, and that's why he keeps giving you confessions after you stand strong and set boundaries. He's using his "confessions" as a way to control you.
There are lots of people on here that can help you and give some good advice.
Continue with your CBT or whatever therapy works for you. That's a great start. Take control of YOUR feelings and reactions.
Hugs to you my dear. I so feel your pain and anxiety.
Any advice on how to tell WH that he will go to see a CSAT or I will D him? Wondering if there is anything that has/hasn't worked for others. I am through the shock/anxiety and feel ready to draw my line in the sand.
Thank you, and hugs to all!
tell WH that he will go to see a CSAT or I will D him?