You know what you need to do to protect yourself and have a good plan. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.
. I feel a calmness and relief that I haven't experienced in years.
He lied about getting STD tested, even though in his disclosure he revealed sleeping with up to 50 sexual partners, some (or many) without protection. He has endangered my health all along by misleading me about his sexual history and his STD testing status
It scares the **** out of me that he goes to his SA meeting, admits one lie and cries about it, makes a show of going to the clinic and keeps maintaining this big lie. How can he be such a good actor? So so scary.
(((big hugs to you, beautifulmess)))
I hear you about the lies, and the ease with which the lies come out, to be a dealbreaker. I felt the same way. It was heartbreaking to have him lie so convincingly right to my face, to see him so passionate about "the truth", yet all along he was still lying. A person like that is not a person to be married to.
You'll need to get STD testing several times in the next year. I think that there's a thread here that deals with this. Please do it right away and make sure you get the full work-up. I want to prepare you - it is a rotten, humiliating experience, and you won't get the results back for a few weeks.
Again, I'm so sorry. If you're feeling overwhelmed, just do the STD testing first. Everything else can wait. You can post on the S&D thread for details about what to do next re: bank accounts, home, etc.
Nonetheless, this is a painful realization. Just take it one day at a time...
His (pitiful) excuse was that it was too expensive at the place he went. Rather than tell me that, he lied about it. Then he was going to try to find somewhere cheaper, like maybe the Health Department. Only he took an entire week to even look. I discovered his lie by accident, and verified it by seeing that he never paid any money to the clinic he said he went to - from ANY source (I even checked 3 times because he had been so convincing). When I confronted him he kept lying, but there was no way I was going to fall for it. About an hour after he was going to "straighten everything out" at the clinic he finally called and said I was right - he hadn't gone. DUH!
The ridiculous thing is that he just got a $1500 check from his left-over student aid. He was planning to just use it for everyday expenses since all of his books and things have been paid for this semester. The $600 he claims they wanted for the STD test he had - plus some. Then his excuse for not getting to the health department where it was only $300 is that they were closed (since I found out yesterday - a Saturday).
When he said he "worked too late" all week and that's why he didn't do it last week, I knew I was done. He didn't work late last week. He got off by 3, he was off all day Monday (with a few classes throughout the day, but breaks), and he took off the entire day Wednesday for his Aunt's funeral even though everything was done by 1.
So again, I have NO CLUEwhy he would think it is okay. I don't even care anymore.
Everyone who responded... Thank you!
ChoosingHope - You're right. He's not acting like my husband, and certainly not my "best friend." Thanks for the 2X4.
scaredyKat - You're right. This is not what recovery looks like. Someone on here said not that long ago that the hardest part of recovery for their SAH was learning "how to deal with emotions in a healthy way and living life as it really is - ups and down and good time and bad - and dealing with reality in a healthy way." He has never been able to do that. This lying, especially at his SA meeting and in therapy, prove to me that he is not ready to be a healthy individual. I can't wait around for him to get there.
Oh, and I'm going to get STD tested at my OBGYN as soon as I can get in (hopefully tomorrow!).
Just on a practical note, some people don't like to put the STD testing on their insurance, and instead they pay cash for it. My therapist told me it "raises red flags" at the insurance companies. I don't know if you care about this sort of thing, but I wanted to mention it.
If you have good insurance through work, I can't imagine it being a problem. (In my case, I'm on STBX's insurance, and so I'll have to apply for my own policy soon and didn't want to risk the STD testing being a reason to reject me.)
Also, I brought a friend with me both times I had the testing. It made me feel so much better.
Just a few quick thoughts. Stay strong. Once the testing is done, you'll feel much better.
Life with a sex addict, right?
I am so sorry. ((( hugs))). Hope you can get the first round of STD testing done soon. I applaud you for standing firm on your deal breakers and asking for a separation.
I probably should have gone to Planned Parenthood or some other route, but I went ahead and put it through my insurance. I don't feel like running all around town like a chicken with my head cut off. If it costs a little more and goes on my insurance record, so be it.
So WH and I discussed the post nup again last night. I told him I had lots issues with his last point of contention. Not the point itself as much as WHY. We went round and round, and basically it came down to two things. He wanted it to be a document going forward from the date of execution because he thought that was always the intention from both of us, AND he was saying it would legally be interpreted as such anyway unless specifically stated otherwise.
I reminded him when I brought this up initially over a year ago, the intention was to plan out our D in advance from a place of love, so if R did not work out an ugly D was not a possibility. Also that since that time, he had lied about his recovery, led me to believe he was further along than he was, convinced me to buy a house I wouldn't have had I known the truth, then dropped the bomb his TT was ten times less than the real story in disclosure. That his assumptions that we were in a place now to make agreements going forward would make sense if we were on a level playing field, but right now I could *never* be sure I was on a level playing field. That to agree to that condition was asking a huge leap of faith after I had already given him more benefit of the doubt than he deserved.
Back and forth, etc. He said he'd sign whatever I wanted, he wanted me to have the security I needed and deserved, but kept saying as it was written it would be interpreted as going forward anyway, and that I'd have to change the wording if I wanted it to go backward. And that contracts in general don't legally fly going backward, but again he'd sign whatever. Or we could wait until after the poly if I wanted to be sure his disclosure was the truth. By the end he was pretty much conceeding to anything and everything, he was worried and probably scared I had changed my mind and would leave because of this point. He even said if I was less than 50% sure that I wanted to stay M anymore, we could just go forward with D using the post-nup as the template for the settlement agreement as is, he wanted me to feel safe. But that he'd also do whatever I wanted and needed to stay.
Basically, my gut says he's not hiding anything. I think he still has some of the entitlement and need for control that WS's have and that addicts have, stuff they use to deflect the guilt and shame off what they have done. And I will have the poly to prove that either way.
IDK. I think I need to bounce all this off several people to get an idea if it sounds like what I think it is.
I may be going through something very difficult right now, but I would never, ever tell someone not to reconcile. It is a very personal decision. Only you know what you can manage. You're the only one who is engaging with him daily.
No matter what road you take, it will be hard. No decision is irreversible. Follow your gut.
Hath - all I can say is that I wish YOU WERE MY LAWYER. I don't know exactly what to make of his issues. I'm sorry.
(((NotMeToo))) I owe you a PM. I have been on this thread for 13 months now I think. Things are calm for a while, then several people's lives start imploding, then it seems like a chain reaction. I think that NG, Ghost, and I all left our H's at the same time, for example. But then things quiet down again. So that's what you're seeing here, I think.
I do think that the BDSM is scary and different from some other problems here. Having said that, if your H seems genuinely remorseful, shows real empathy for the pain he's caused you, is seeing a CSAT or other very seasoned professional, and is involved with a 12-step program, then he has a real chance at recovery.
The other way you might look at it is that your youngest child is already in his/her teens. So you could risk it and see if you could stick it out for just five more years, knowing that this child will be in college then. But only YOU can figure out what's best for you and your family.
I'm sorry you're feeling down today.
Hope, IDK about his issues either. I mean, damn, if he doesn't "pay" for the laywer fees, he's paying for it out of joint funds anyway. I think this is part of dealing with a laywer, part of dealing with a WS, part of dealing with a early recovering addict, etc. But I do know one thing. I know I would make a good lawyer, but I would never want to BE one.
Hath - I don't know what to tell you. It sounds like you are being very reasonable. I, too, would make a good lawyer, but decided against that path. He is probably right that you would have to reword the post-nup to be retroactive because generally contracts are not. Even then, a judge might not accept it. Still, if he is willing to do that for you, then I would take him up on the offer. Because of the huge amount of additional truth you got, it's hard to imagine there would be something more, but there always could be. You never know with an addict. Keeping that option in your back pocket sounds very smart to me.
[This message edited by beautifulmess7 at 11:39 AM, October 15th (Monday)]
As far as would I be better off with him or without him goes, I guess I feel I'm better off with him, at least for now.
I have been agonizing about the issue of telling or not telling the kids. Right now I feel why would I tell them. I'm almost certain they don't suspect anything is wrong with our M. I'm pretty sure my DD would say something to me if she suspected a problem and if any of them asked outright I would tell them the truth. Because there is no outward sign of conflict at home, to tell them would be shocking. It would cause a huge amount of anxiety especially in the two youngest. How this would affect them I don't know. I worry about screwing up their school year. I guess that is why I feel I should try and wait until my youngest graduates HS. Of course, if in the meantime SAWH relapses, then I absolutely would tell them and I would leave. The thought that they may hate me for not telling them and for staying with their father after what he has done, is what is truly eating me. They are my reason for living right now and I couldnt stand to lose their love. I guess my ultimate hope is that if SAWH stays in recovery, they may never need to know, even if it turns out that I can't get past this and we D in the future.
I'm looking into post nups. I'm not sure they are legal where we live. SAWH says he will sign whatever I want.