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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notme, then the flip side is:

And the worst thing is that if they find out when they are older that you knew about his SA and you stayed with him. You let him treat you this way. Those are the children who are permanently scarred, and who feel overwhelming shame and anger towards BOTH their parents. Their whole lives will appear to be a lie.

Which, FWIW, can apply to infidelity in general not just SA, but is a lot worse with SA.

So you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Least that's what I'm hearing.

God, it sucks to be here.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does suck to be here.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I know I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't, I choose to be damned for taking all possible measures to protect my children from my husband's perversion & abuse. I would far rather stand before them & hear them scream at me that I took their father from them than have them scream at me that their father molested them or exposed them to his extreme sexual perversions and I didn't do enough to prevent it from happening. I could not live with myself if I knew I failed to take all possible preventative actions to protect my children, and my children were harmed as a result.

All of us who have children need to admit that they are already screwed up because of their parents' problems. Even if you don't see it now, the damage is already there. If they don't develop into an addict they'll develop into YOU, a dysfunctional codependent who is willing to put up with all kinds of outrageous behavior for the sake of ______. They'll learn to sacrifice themselves on the alter of marriage for the sake of appearances, fear, financial difficulty. They'll learn emotional dysfunction because that's what they live with.

Children of addicts, be it sex, drugs, alcohol, whatever, even if they don't directly witness the acting out, instinctively know something is wrong. They grow up learning to deny their feelings, learning to mistrust their perceptions, learning to not judge reality accurately.

For all of you here who are thinking you're so lucky that you're not in as bad a situation as me & ChoosingHope, think again. There once was a time when she & I thought we weren't in as bad a situation as this, either. We used to think we could manage the situation, too. We thought we could manage or cover up or conceal our husbands' addictions, too. We would be so overcompensating that our children would never know. No one would ever know. We literally turned ourselves inside out to protect our addict husbands and our public reputation. There was once a time we were certain our husbands finally understood. Were finally sorry, repentant, remorseful, had finally hit bottom or seen the light. We tap danced around the truth for years because we didn't want to go through the horror of a divorce. We couldn't bear the thought of having our addict husband having any court-ordered alone time with our children. The thought of who our husbands might bring into our children's lives if we separated terrified us. We were certain something would happen and our addict husbands would get better. Would turn into the men we just knew they could be. If only.... If only...

And yet look how we ended up anyway.

Listen, I know why y'all are trying. I've been there. But you know what I wish? I wish I'd had someone talk straight with me & tell me the truth years ago. I wish I had someone in my life with the courage to tell me to open my damn eyes and SEE what my reality was like, SEE what was happening to my children. I wish someone would have told me to wake the hell up & do some research into the harm done to children who grow up in the home of an addict.

But there was no one in my life like that. So I didn't open my eyes. I didn't admit the truth. I didn't do the research. I continued to crawl along, barely existing, letting my addict husband ruin our lives every day. And I regret my years of inaction. I knew what needed to be done. I knew staying for the sake of the children was wrong. But I was too cowardly to do the right thing.

I wish I'd done the right thing years go. And I'm so sorry that one of these days 98% of you reading my words right now are going to wish you'd done the right thing earlier, too. I'm so sorry that 98% of you will live to regret the choices you are making right now.

I'm sorry all of us are here. I'm even sorrier for those of us who have young children still at home.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Nature. It is obvious you are really hurting. I am not going to get into a back and forth with you. You need to respect other people's decisions. Your statistics are way off. Those numbers are based on your feelings. I am sure that right now it seems to be the truth. There are a lot of things that factor into recovery. Length of addiction, depth of addiction, going to therapy, attending 12 step meetings. Being careful of one's environment, not surrounding yourself with other addicts or people that cheat on their spouses. My SAWH really watches out for hanging out with people that think they are entitled. In his profession and in our neighborhood, that is a big issue.

My SAWH did not have sex with anyone while we were married and together. That is how he rationalized it. It was while we were living apart and before we remarried. I think that is a technicality. I am sure that if his addiction had continued, it would have gotten worse. If he starts up again, it will get worse. I am a big girl and have raised one child into a happy, healthy adult. No one and I mean NO ONE is going to harm my children.

I do not intend to hide from my children that their father is an addict. My CSAT is adamant that children be told age appropriate things. My oldest daughter and I always talked about the fact her father was an addict and she needed to pay attention for those tendencies in herself. Hiding info from the children is not a good idea. As far as hiding it from society, I am torn on this. My best friends know, couldn't make it through this without them. One of my best friends has been sober for 25 years. She offers me a lot of insight.

Sorry for the rant. I really don't owe you an explanation for my choices. Just don't want anyone to think that there is only one answer for everything. The answer for everyone is not divorce. Apparently, that is the answer for you in your situation.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 2:36 PM, October 11th (Thursday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My numbers are not off, they're based on the published research. I don't know why you keep responding as if I'm personally going after you. I am not. I am replying to the general tone of the board and expressing my view, something I'm allowed to do. I do respect other's decisions, I have no choice but to do so. IMO, which I'm allowed to have and is based on being here for well over a year, this board slants heavily towards reconciliation with sex addicts. This board is supposed to be for all spouses of sex addicts, not just the ones who are going for R. Yes, divorce is something that needs to be put on the table & discussed. Far too often it's not. Far too often I see spouses here writhing in emotional agony - as I did -trying to manage their addict & the situation. Divorce needs to be presented and kept in the discussion. That is exactly what I'm doing. The nature of being a spouse of a SA means that the vast majority of people who read here, let alone participate, are going to be codependents who need all sides of the truth illuminated. I accept that you, Missy, are putting your POV out there speaking as someone who does not feel she is codependent or dysfunctional, who has a husband who seems to be doing the work to get better. Your situation is not the norm, and I say that based on the published statistics. My situation, ChoosingHope's situation, we are more representative of the norm of what actually does happen to the family of SA's.

Spouses of SA's need to keep hearing the message that it is okay to choose to divorce. This may be the ONLY place where that message is conveyed.



Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My numbers are not off, they're based on the published research. I don't know why you keep responding as if I'm personally going after you. I am not.

Published where? As I said, oldest DD is an addiction researcher (at the largest government facility). Those are not the accepted statistics. About 40-60% of addicts recover (that is the low number but definitely the more realistic one). This all depends upon the length and severity of addiction, as well as the treatment and support they get. Basically, the longer that someone is addicted the stronger the pathways in the brain are established.

You are putting down me and anyone else that is trying to R and saying that we haven't done the research. This is supposed to be a safe place. You have the right to your choice but not the right to put others down for their choice.

I am definitely not saying I am not codependent. I attend CODA and have off and on for years. I recognize that you are in pain and making absolute statements that really refer to your situation. I totally support your right to divorce. There are many addicts that will never recover.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
2kidsandadog
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids are 20/21 now and I have some things to share regarding this subject.

I walked in on my husband while 5 months pregnant masterbating in front of our 15 month old.

I knew then that I was in for a long, long haul. Was it stressful? Was is pain-staking spending the next 18 years trying to understand and battle this issue with him and try to protect my kids? Are my kids screwed up now because of all of his shenanigans? Do they hate me or their dad?

I will be the first to admit that my youngest went through horrific drug addiction and was high maintenance to raise. My oldest struggles with things and is quietly emotional but I will not say that my kids are dysfunctional and screwed up because I stayed with their father; basically to protect them.

My ex-husband drank heavily, was emotionally and verbally abusive and possible a survivor of child sexual abuse. I could never get the truth out of him if he ever was or wasn't. I think we all know the truth there.

But, and I struggle with this daily, I do not regret one bit staying with him to protect my kids. I knew he'd leave me penniless, and eventually would have sexually abused my children as he already had boundary issues regarding his compulsive masterbation.

I would lay in bed and wonder how much this would affect my children once they were older. I will never know how much they know but I will say that having had an alcoholic father that fondled me in a hotel room (long after my mother had died) I was 100% determined to stick around and make sure my kids were protected from what would have been a Jerry Springer season all over again.

I won't say that things just haven't hit them yet. Maybe they have, maybe they haven't. Maybe they won't. All I know is this: I gave my boys as much stability as I was capable of and the love of a mother that any decent woman could give. I taught them that if they had problems to big for them, they could always find ways of dealing with and solving them. I taught them that sometimes people are screwed up and they are the only ones that can fix it, not us. I showed them that the world is full of bullshit but if we stick together and help each other out, then we could endure just about anything.

I spite of the fact that a pit grew in my stomach each and every year we were together, I still feel that in my heart I did the right thing. I had hoped he would come to his senses about what was wrong with him, but in the end he just faulted me for his lack of efforts and continued to verbally abused me and the kids in the process.

Before I'd have ever let them go over to a "bachelor" divorced dad pad, I'd have killed us all sparing them of what I knew was an extremely dangerous/dalliance induced environment. They will never know of this as I will never tell them why I stayed. If they ever ask, then perhaps I'll tell them; after he's dead/blind/castrated and muted.

Thanks for letting me share.


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I walked in on my husband while 5 months pregnant masterbating in front of our 15 month old.

That is frightening. That is the kind of thing my 1st SA would have done. I was spared having to deal with him, as he was deported after we split up. You are very strong and I am glad your children are ok.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is frightening. That is the kind of thing my 1st SA would have done. I was spared having to deal with him, as he was deported after we split up.

Were you married to TWO different sex addicts???

The most commonly cited statistic on a sustained recovery from SA is 5 percent. Several CSATS have cited that figure to me, and you see it all the time.

I'm not afraid my STBX will abuse my children, sexually or otherwise. And he was never abusive towards me. So, unlike 2kidsandadog, I have the option of getting a divorce. Why? Because my husband has cheated on me for years. I deserve better than this. He has been given many opportunities to get better. It works for a few years and then he relapses, worse each time. He talks a good game, but my gut tells me that he feels NO true remorse or empathy for the pain he's caused me.

I'm getting divorced because I deserve better. Because my children deserve to grow up in a peaceful, safe home without lies and secrets. Divorce is hardly a big deal in the year 2012. Children do absolutely fine if they don't experience a lot of parental conflict, and if they have a lot of help and support.

So while I'm fully supportive of women who are staying married to see if their husbands manage to beat the odds, I can not accept the "I stay married to an addict FOR MY CHILDREN." (Unless in you're in a situation like 2KidsandaDog.)

(((2KidsandaDog))) I've always, always been amazed at the lengths that you've gone through to protect your children. I've been separated for more than a year, and all parenting time takes place here at my house or around the neighborhood. This has not been easy, as NG knows because she read all my posts and PMs and kept me strong and resolute. And now I'm on the track for sole physical custody. I will have to see STBX twice a week for the next 12 years (that's MY pit in stomach) and hand over my home to him while he visits, but at least my children will be safe. Thanks for your post and sharing your story again.

Lastly, I just want to add that this is not a reconciliation board. This s a spouse/partner of SA thread. If we are too scared to listen to women who have BTDT, then we are just doomed to continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. EVERYONE on this thread is hurting, or we wouldn't be here. This is the most miserable thread on this site, and that says a lot about Sex Addicts and how they hurt and destroy the people around them.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2KaaD-
I walked in on my husband while 5 months pregnant masterbating in front of our 15 month old.

This is terrifying.

I appreciate all Spouses here giving their experience and perspective. Personally, I wrestle all the time with whether my H will go off the deep end as NG's has or if he will maintain sobriety and working on his shit in a situation I find acceptable as Missy has. Hearing from both sides and those in limbo like me is completely invaluable. I think I want to R and keep on the path we are on but I'd be rugsweeping this monumental issue if I didn't listen to all sides. Making an informed choice is the important thing.

ETA:

This is the most miserable thread on this site, and that says a lot about Sex Addicts and how they hurt and destroy the people around them.

Yes.

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 6:04 PM, October 11th (Thursday)]


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, I hope you don't mind if I post some questions and ask for your opinions. I have already divorced my WH but I haven't been able to get counseling and really need to know if he was a sex addict.

I know that he cheated on all 3 of his wives. I know that before he met me he was cross dressing and using dildos on himself (he admitted to in at the final divorce hearing). I know that he was using coke for 2 years during our marriage but I never knew. I know that he was cross dressing and sending pics to internet whores and also masterbating to them.

Knowing all of this information about him still doesn't tell me if he is SA. He is an alcoholic too so he has an addictive personality. I guess the best way to do this is to make a list of his "f-ups" as he called them.

1. He was addicted to drugs and alcohol in first marriage.
2. He cheated on 1st wife while she was pregnant with 2nd child.
3. He cheated on 2nd wife.
4. He was cross dressing and using dildos before he met me.
5. I discovered him posting on sites saying he loves to suck cock.
6. I discovered he posted pictures of himself cross dressing and using dildos.
7. I discovered he used cocaine for 2 years during our marriage.
8. I discovered he was using internet whores and sending them those pics for 2 years.
9. He has "sessions" with internet whores and masterbated for them during work.
10. He was an alcoholic when I divorced him and still is.
11. He became verbally and physically abuse to me when I asked questions about his cheating.
12. After I left him he began drinking hard liquor not just cases of beer.

Ok, I hope that helps you guys see the things that I discovered. I think he is a SA who will never get help as he knows more than counselors do and there is nothing wrong with him (his words). But since you all are much more knowledgable about this SA stuff, what do you think. I am not looking for professional opinions just insight. Thanks all


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I know I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't, I choose to be damned for taking all possible measures to protect my children from my husband's perversion & abuse. I would far rather stand before them & hear them scream at me that I took their father from them than have them scream at me that their father molested them or exposed them to his extreme sexual perversions and I didn't do enough to prevent it from happening. I could not live with myself if I knew I failed to take all possible preventative actions to protect my children, and my children were harmed as a result.
All of us who have children need to admit that they are already screwed up because of their parents' problems. Even if you don't see it now, the damage is already there. If they don't develop into an addict they'll develop into YOU, a dysfunctional codependent who is willing to put up with all kinds of outrageous behavior for the sake of ______. They'll learn to sacrifice themselves on the alter of marriage for the sake of appearances, fear, financial difficulty. They'll learn emotional dysfunction because that's what they live with.

Children of addicts, be it sex, drugs, alcohol, whatever, even if they don't directly witness the acting out, instinctively know something is wrong. They grow up learning to deny their feelings, learning to mistrust their perceptions, learning to not judge reality accurately.

For all of you here who are thinking you're so lucky that you're not in as bad a situation as me & ChoosingHope, think again. There once was a time when she & I thought we weren't in as bad a situation as this, either. We used to think we could manage the situation, too. We thought we could manage or cover up or conceal our husbands' addictions, too. We would be so overcompensating that our children would never know. No one would ever know. We literally turned ourselves inside out to protect our addict husbands and our public reputation. There was once a time we were certain our husbands finally understood. Were finally sorry, repentant, remorseful, had finally hit bottom or seen the light. We tap danced around the truth for years because we didn't want to go through the horror of a divorce. We couldn't bear the thought of having our addict husband having any court-ordered alone time with our children. The thought of who our husbands might bring into our children's lives if we separated terrified us. We were certain something would happen and our addict husbands would get better. Would turn into the men we just knew they could be. If only.... If only...

And yet look how we ended up anyway.

Listen, I know why y'all are trying. I've been there. But you know what I wish? I wish I'd had someone talk straight with me & tell me the truth years ago. I wish I had someone in my life with the courage to tell me to open my damn eyes and SEE what my reality was like, SEE what was happening to my children. I wish someone would have told me to wake the hell up & do some research into the harm done to children who grow up in the home of an addict.

But there was no one in my life like that. So I didn't open my eyes. I didn't admit the truth. I didn't do the research. I continued to crawl along, barely existing, letting my addict husband ruin our lives every day. And I regret my years of inaction. I knew what needed to be done. I knew staying for the sake of the children was wrong. But I was too cowardly to do the right thing.

I wish I'd done the right thing years go. And I'm so sorry that one of these days 98% of you reading my words right now are going to wish you'd done the right thing earlier, too. I'm so sorry that 98% of you will live to regret the choices you are making right now.

I'm sorry all of us are here. I'm even sorrier for those of us who have young children still at home.

NG, you are right on. Once we have children with a SA it is up to US to get healthy and protect our children. More so than the sick things my H did, the thing that hurts me the most is my children and the part I have played in their upbringing. I know you know that. I could deal with the hurt and the triggers forever, but knowing that I played a part in the dysfunction of their childhood makes me sadder and sicker than ALL the acting out my H ever did!

And the worst thing is that if they find out when they are older that you knew about his SA and you stayed with him. You let him treat you this way. Those are the children who are permanently scarred, and who feel overwhelming shame and anger towards BOTH their parents. Their whole lives will appear to be a lie.

BTDT. Still dealing with the fallout of my children realizing even a fraction of the whole story and wondering why I stayed, why I wasn't strong enough, why I pretended for YEARS. As NG said, I didn't really "wake the hell up" until it had gotten to a point that my H had taken us all down with him (criminal investigation, children found out, etc.). Do I wish I could have left the first time I caught him acting out, 17 years ago? Yes, but at the time I was young, hadn't finished my college degree, and had 2 little babies. Perhaps I chose to bury my head in the sand for years. Then I bought into the idea of divorce after the kids left, to keep their home intact. All the while, my H fell deeper into his hole and became more and more deviant, to the point that the police came to my door one day. During that time, I drank and worked myself numb. While I am sure there are many who can say, "Well, my situation isn't THAT bad," or "My SA would NEVER harm a child/minor," they are deluded. My H didn't start out looking at child porn or trying to entice a teenager, but rather with prostitutes, playboyish porn, and personal ads. No, over the years it progressed. SA is PROGRESSIVE. They don't just quit with porn or prostitutes. It takes more and more to get that "high".

Lastly, I just want to add that this is not a reconciliation board. This s a spouse/partner of SA thread. If we are too scared to listen to women who have BTDT, then we are just doomed to continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. EVERYONE on this thread is hurting, or we wouldn't be here. This is the most miserable thread on this site, and that says a lot about Sex Addicts and how they hurt and destroy the people around them.

CH, you are quite right that we shouldn't be taking sides divorce vs. reconciliation. The point of this should be getting healthier and working on OUR recoveries with or without the SA working on theirs. I think that the 5% figure is quite accepted with this addiction as the number who will sustain a successful longterm recovery. That is why recovery for US is so important. We need to be ready to move on without them if need be. We need to develop healthy relationships with others and identify our FOO or other issues that made us susceptible to being married to a SA in the first place. Although my H has been in a successful recovery for 3 years, I know in my heart that I do not have to stay with him if he relapses. I have the strength that I lacked for years, the friendships, the hours of therapy with my CSAT, and the postnup/financial means to move on. That is powerful.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My confusion comes on the 5%. I think that number is coming from studies on untreated sex addicts. They show anywhere from 3-7%. However, those in treatment have the higher numbers. Even sex offenders haver higher success rate than 5% when in treatment.

Nothing wrong with divorcing or staying. I left my first SA and yes, I have been married to 2 different SA's. He was very dangerous. It was 10 years between marriages. My current SA had no symptoms, as he was in sexual anorexia our first 11 years together. That is a whole other issue. But apparently, just the other side of the same coin.

Because of my history, I want to try and stay in this M and deal with things. If they get too bad, I will leave. The main reason for that is my children. If they have a sober father in the house, that is the best thing for them. No one should live with an active addict. So, we are in agreement on that. I am not anti-divorce. Just not fond of being told what I should be doing.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
2kidsandadog
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I first want to say thank you CH for the kudos! While these things went on starting 20 years ago, they have never left me and the fear and stress that still (somewhat remains) will be the long lasting effect of raising a family with a sex addict! I think we all need to support each other's thoughts and actions because only WE know what we can tolerate! I had a very small support system around me while I dealt with the madness! I knew what I could and couldn't deal with. I tried recovery with him during his sexual inappropriateness, but to no avail. I tried to enter recovery status when I discovered his multiple cheating but to no avail! I tried counseling, Alanon, binge drinking, reading, crying, antidepressants and lots and lots of praying all to no avail! I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy!!!

So with that being said, for those who feel they can get out, I'm envious as hell and admire their strength. For those who stay/stayed I pray and support that decision, also something I admire! Many of my friends thought I was "over reacting" to my situation. They simply didn't understand and totally underestimated me and my gumption!

Living with ANY kind of addict is hell, be it one year or 30. At times I thought I wouldn't make it. At times I knew I would.

I have a granddaughter now and thankfully he doesn't care enough to spend anytime with her! For if that ever changed, I'd for sure be one meddling g/ma.

Hopefully though he will contine to stay angry at me and selfish to a positive. Then that cycle will be broken!

I empathize with each and everyone of us on here!

Yes, this is the most horrific thread on here, but thank God it's here!!

Love to all!!


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the worst thing is that if they find out when they are older that you knew about his SA and you stayed with him. You let him treat you this way. Those are the children who are permanently scarred, and who feel overwhelming shame and anger towards BOTH their parents. Their whole lives will appear to be a lie.

Raising hand here...both my adult sons know. We told them together. They currently see two flawed human beings, who they love and respect, who are working hard to fix the mistakes of the past. They see us working together to re build a damaged relationship and me, working to forgive. In essence, a marriage, albeit one with ridiculously hard obstacles to overcome. Both kids are amazing, although DS#1 is a recovering alcoholic, but our family is rampant with addicts, so the jury is out whether that would have happened anyway.
While SAfWH was an ABSENT father, he is now establishing a strong, amazing adult friendship with his sons. It is wonderful to see.

Not all SA families end poorly. We have our challenges, but one thing that has kept us together, is that we have faced our challenges together. I do believe that often the SECRECY is the main obstacle to a healthy family, whether it is an intact one or a separated one.

All this assumes that the addict is in an active recovery. I don't believe anyone should live with an SA who is still acting out...

PS. I don't think my kids believe their lives were a lie. (I struggle with that thought) They were oblivious as was I. They had a relatively normal, active childhood, with an involved mother and father (when he wasn't elsewhere with some excuse) Since I didn't know, our lives weren't affected.
Now, his BP rages and depressive events-THAT affected them more...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:29 PM, October 11th (Thursday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG, I just read these words again. They are accurate and humbling. My husband's addiction nearly destroyed me. It certainly made my life unmanageable - and scary. Every day I waited for the other shoe to drop.

There once was a time when she & I thought we weren't in as bad a situation as this, either. We used to think we could manage the situation, too. We thought we could manage or cover up or conceal our husbands' addictions, too. We would be so overcompensating that our children would never know. No one would ever know. We literally turned ourselves inside out to protect our addict husbands and our public reputation. There was once a time we were certain our husbands finally understood. Were finally sorry, repentant, remorseful, had finally hit bottom or seen the light. We tap danced around the truth for years because we didn't want to go through the horror of a divorce. We couldn't bear the thought of having our addict husband having any court-ordered alone time with our children. The thought of who our husbands might bring into our children's lives if we separated terrified us. We were certain something would happen and our addict husbands would get better. Would turn into the men we just knew they could be. If only.... If only...

Thanks for the reminder, my friend. And for caring enough to keep coming back here to share your story. My biggest regret is not telling anyone what my husband had done in 2004. For if I did, my family would have swooped down here to rescue me.

Humiliating? Sure. But way less humiliating than letting things deteriorate this far.

Never again will I live my life with secrets. It's sucks the life and soul out of you. As you always say, "The truth shall set you free."



Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We told them together. They currently see two flawed human beings, who they love and respect, who are working hard to fix the mistakes of the past. They see us working together to re build a damaged relationship and me, working to forgive. In essence, a marriage, albeit one with ridiculously hard obstacles to overcome.
This is nice to hear, that is what I am aiming for.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Beachy
♀ Member
Member # 16132
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is interesting. This is the internal debate I have been having for a while now. WH is a SA and alcoholic. I am tired of living in the madhouse. He is currently seeking treatment for the SA, but not the alcohol b/c "he can control it". Uh huh. We all make the decisions that we think are best. What a horrible place to be. Personally, I am done.


Me: BS - 39
Him: WS - 48 SA/AA, multiple D days, multiple partners, disgusting mess
Kids: 3
Divorced!!!! :)

Posts: 183 | Registered: Sep 2007
2kidsandadog
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's refreshing (in a weird dichotomous way) to hear and feel the courage and bravery all of us have!

No, not every SA family has a poor ending. Thanks for saying that s/kat!!! Many of us fight the good fight. I've always been that way, and always will be.

My co-worker has been married for 48 years and happily (as she puts it). She never hesitates to rub in my face how lucky she is to have the husband she has and praises the kind of father he was. She also knows some of my sordid marital past, etc... It's women like her that make me want to slap and strangle because all she does is live in a bubble. "If her life has been good, then why aren't others like her"?

She is about 22 years older than me and at times I think how shallow and pretentious can a woman be? I also know that I have the balls of a Navy Seal and when her day comes that she has to live all alone without her wonderful husband, I'll be the one who can stand tall, strong and move forward. She will crumble like dry cake.

I know, that was uppity but one of the things I need is to hear from and about women like us who have suffered and are suffering but yet have the courage of an army!

Thank you sisters and know that as we keep spreading the good karma out there, people's lives are touched and hearts are strenghtened.

Ok so I'm in a loving mood today. Doesn't happen often!


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoops double post

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 8:18 AM, October 12th (Friday)]


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

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