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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just went digging through old 2011 and early 2012 posts to find this one. I thought it was time to re-post it. No one should stay in a marriage under certain circumstances. We seem to be seeing a lot of these extreme, abusive and plain-out scary circumstances here lately.
_________________________

Here's what I think after dealing with SA for EIGHT YEARS, and I hope it doesn't hurt anyone's feelings:

If your H is verbally or physically abusive, get the hell out RIGHT NOW. Don't ever go back.

If your H has NPD or another borderline personality disorder, get out NOW. Don't ever go back.

If he is not in active recovery, get out NOW. You can always come back, but get out now.

If your husband thinks that he only needs to follow SOME boundaries, then he is not in any sort of recovery. Get out NOW. By staying, you are enabling him, you aren't letting him hit rock bottom, and you aren't protecting yourself.

If you think your husband "isn't as bad" as some other SAs, you are probably in denial or you don't have all the information.

Don't bring children into the world under these circumstances.

All the snooping in the world won't stop your spouse's SA. You cannot control his actions. Even if you try to control him 24/7, an addict will find a way to act out. So stop giving up you life to control HIS life. (I was guilty of this for years.)

And even if you are the most beautiful, thin, fit, sexy, brilliant, funny woman in the entire world, he will still act out. Because the acting out has NOTHING to do with you.

And always always take care of yourself first. This is something I still struggle with daily.

-Hope

ps: (((WS is an Addict))): This post reminds me of you - miss you and hope that your life is happy and peaceful now.


Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think of WS often and I miss her. I also hope she is happy and well...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CH, thanks for the repost.

God, this is scary.

If you think your husband "isn't as bad" as some other SAs, you are probably in denial or you don't have all the information.

Don't bring children into the world under these circumstances.


This is where I am right now. With my head in the sand probably.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"If you think your husband "isn't as bad" as some other SAs, you are probably in denial or you don't have all the information."

God, so true. My SAfWH used this line on me in the early days. And although his behaviors weren't the same as some of those posted, who the hell cares? It's not a matter of degrees! It's abuse and trauma no matter if it's fetishes, prostitutes, compulsive porn or ONSs or whatever. IT'S ADDICTION. It's inability to have a normal healthy, monogamous relationship. And it sucks the life out of a loving and devoted wife...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:50 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2898 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
littlebee33
♀ New Member
Member # 36496
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi girls. I popped in before and often read, but don't post much. Like many of the other newbies I'm very stuck on whether to stay or go. We have no children yet and I'm terrified of damaging kids that I don't know yet but already love. My husband has been going to IC, 12 step, church, etc, and seems to really want to change. However, I feel like this specific question (should I leave before I have kids even though I love him) is the one thing that plagues and depresses me the most. I want to believe that he's in the tiny percentage that will overcome it, but there are no guarantees. It scares me that even those who are attempting to reconcile with their SA say to get the hell out if you have no kids. I guess I'm still in a little bit of a "why me" funk.

Regardless, you girls are so amazing for coming on here and being open and honest. Although I don't say much on here, I cheer along when good things happen for you all and feel pain when life keeps kicking you down. Thank you for your honesty!


D-Day: Aug. 10, 2012
Me - BS - 27
Him - (SA)WH - 30
No kids.
Together 6 years, married 1.5 years.

Life is never what we planned it to be.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey littlebee
We have no children yet and I'm terrified of damaging kids that I don't know yet but already love. My husband has been going to IC, 12 step, church, etc, and seems to really want to change. However, I feel like this specific question (should I leave before I have kids even though I love him) is the one thing that plagues and depresses me the most.

I am about your age and in this same place. It's really scary. I feel less worried when I think that maybe I'd be more ok with this situation if we decided to never have kids, but SAWH/BH has told me many times the most important goal for him to accomplish in his life is to be a dad.

That makes me think maybe if it's that important, he can get in and stay in active recovery. Or just be in recovery for long enough to lull me into a sense of security before the addiction creeps back into our lives, sinisterly.

My CSAT tells me the main thing moving forward for me to keep asking myself is "can I respect him again?" For me that is somewhat equated with/ turned into "do I feel safe enough/ do I respect this man enough to bring children into the world with him?"

I ask myself this question every day and will continue for a long, long time.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
littlebee33
♀ New Member
Member # 36496
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEM, I had exactly the same thought the other day: I would be more ok with working this out if we decided not to have kids. I brought it up to my WH and he said absolutely not. He really wants to have kids and he said that he will work hard to overcome this. However as we all know...words mean nothing.

If anyone has a crystal ball, please feel free to PM me. I will even pay for delivery.


D-Day: Aug. 10, 2012
Me - BS - 27
Him - (SA)WH - 30
No kids.
Together 6 years, married 1.5 years.

Life is never what we planned it to be.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2012
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also want to say there is NOTHING wrong with leaving your SA even if they are doing the work of full recovery

THIS^ totally!
Heck, I dont even agree that you necessarily should wait a year before making a decision. Im not saying to rush it either, but, humans have a tendency to become complacent. I see that a lot on this forum, not just those of us in this thread, I mean all of SI. I cant even say that Im not part of that crowd. Sometimes striking while the iron is hot is best. Using the anger/shock to motivate action. Those of you who got a post nup - bravo!

Im also in the "no way I will have a kid with this guy!" camp. And that may cause my marriage demise as well because he wants to.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heck, I dont even agree that you necessarily should wait a year before making a decision. Im not saying to rush it either, but, humans have a tendency to become complacent.

Yep. After my first DDay (the one where I finally accepted what I was seeing was evidence of infidelity, versus all the other times when I explained it all away & gaslighted myself) I told myself I'd give it a year. People here told me to give it a year. That seemed like a reasonable amount of time to wait.

But I kept having additional DDays, each one worse than the one prior. Foolishly I clung to that arbitrary year time-frame. Now I wonder to myself WHY???? (I know why, I was codep, but that's another story) But, that's what I did, until eventually I had a DDay so horrific I realized that I couldn't delay the inevitable any longer. For the safety of my children I needed to separate ASAP and get on with a divorce.

The DDays I had after separation were even worse than the ones before!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8736 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also was quilty of clinging to that arbitrary year. And in all honesty, a few of the things on Hope's list during that year. Specifically, the not in active recovery, the not respecting all the boundaries to the fullest, and the thinking it was not as bad as I thought it was. If I could you back in time now, I think I would have thrown him out on Dday. Not let him come back until all those conditions were met.

And here's the kicker. Even if he does all the work and then some, I don't know if the trust can ever come back. I don't know if I can respect myself for staying with someone who was capable of doing that to me. I do not want to have the convo with my kids, when they are adults, of trying to justify my choices and them possibly losing respect for me as a result.

As you can tell I am really struggling. I wouldn't want anyone to be in this position.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank God no one ever told me to wait a year! The best thing I have ever done for myself and my children was to ask STBX to leave the house immediately.

It gave me peace, safety, and time to get MYSELF lots of professional help and support.

NC is the way to go, IMHO. I stopped trying to fix/control/stop him when I didn't see him every day. It forced me to give up that illusion of control. And I could use all that energy for myself and my children.


Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The DDays I had after separation were even worse than the ones before!

Me too, my friend.


Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waiting a year was the right decision for me. I'll echo myself and say, to each her own...but I had NO young kids to worry about harming, my SAWH started active recovery work and total transparency immediately, and I needed time to figure out what was right for me. I also wasn't faced with some of the dangerous behaviors some of you are.

I DO believe that SAs can recover for a long time and be healthy individuals. It is a lifelong choice. Just as alcoholics can. So if you are young, I don't necessarily think kids are out of the question. I am an ACOA. That experience was horrific. If my mother had been in recovery, my childhood wouldn't have been as damaged as it was. Maybe my brother wouldn't have wound up addicted to heroin. (he has been clean since '97 and active in NA) ALL addictions require life long vigilance on the part of the addict and the people in their lives so that dysfunctional patterns don't emerge/reemerge.

I truly think it is impossible to find a totally healthy partner! And I fear so much that our younger generations are so damaged by the pervasiveness of gratuitous sex and violence and the continuous glamorization of drunkenness/wastedness. AT LEAST with someone who is working in IC or 12 steps you know they have a degree of self-awareness and maybe a degree of humility that will help them become a complete partner.

I vented to my IC (and here!) about how I wished I had gotten my kids away from SAfWH back when they were young, when he was disengaged. Of course hindsight is 20/20. But now, my young men ARE developing a relationship with their dad. A healthy one, they know his secrets, his weaknesses, and his strengths. They see a man who is fighting to fix what he broke, who is admitting to what he did wrong. They see a couple working to repair a relationship damaged by the worst things that can happen. They see a mom who can be strong and weak and who, in DS#2's words, kept us all together and raised them to love each other even when they wanted to kill each other. They are both compassionate, responsible, and loving young men. With faults and great strengths. I love them both with all my heart and wouldn't change a minute of the time I had with them. Their dad missed some of their growing up but I didn't. His loss, and their's. But they survived. And are beginning to thrive.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2898 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, September 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if he does all the work and then some, I don't know if the trust can ever come back. I don't know if I can respect myself for staying with someone who was capable of doing that to me.

^^^
This is the crux of the matter for me right now.

So SAWH and I finally got the chance to have a private talk today. We hadn't talked for a couple of weeks about his SA stuff due to other issues going on with our kids. I think we both avoid bringing it up as things have been going along quite smoothly on that front and it is so incredibly painful every time we rehash details.

For his part, SAWH is seeing his CSAT and going to his group meetings, reading books recommended by his CSAT and generally working on himself. He feels a huge amount of shame for his past beaviour and a great deal of remorse and regret for how he has treated me. He says he feels "cleaner" and better than he can ever remember feeling now that the porn, compulsive masturbation and OP are out of his life. He says even though there are still stresses at work he feels he is handling them better because he mind is not tied up with all the SA crap. He says he really wants to "win me back" and will do whatever it takes to stay in active recovery.

During our convo I was rehashing the same old, same old about the various As he had and I fell back to the classic "how could you do this to me" . He hesitantly admitted that he thought part of it was at the time he didn't find me sexually exciting. He craved the excitement that comes with a new eager partner willing to participate in porn star sex. Even though I know this is about him not me, it still hurt, partly because I know he's right. At the time he progressed from porn to acting out with actual people, I wasnt that interested in sex. Our kids were very young at the time (the youngest wasn't even born) and I was chronically sleep deprived. His ED problems had started and that was a source of stress and resentment. It got worse if I tried to initiate sex (performance anxiety he claimed) so it came down to we only had sex when he initiated and I felt I could never say no because if I did it would make his ED worse. We also couldn't talk about it as this made the ED worse. This led to a great deal of resentment about sex on my part so I can see how I wasn't exciting in the bedroom. I know intellectually that it wouldn't have mattered if we had been having porn star sex, the addiction would still have caused his acting out to escalate, but it still hurts. If I was boring in the bedroom then, what am I now. Everything triggers me. I only feel safe with ultra vanilla sex. Anything kinky is out as I know that's what he was into with the OW. SAWH says he is fine with whatever I am comfortable with and that that is the way he felt then, not now. He just wants a "normal" healthy sex life with me (whatever that is).

These conversations always leave me mentally exhausted and emotionally drained and no further ahead in figuring out what the hell I should do next.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Concerned  Posted: 9:37 AM, September 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds a little like me. However, it was his ED and inability to be sexually intimate that as the issue. It is so frustrating that because he can't be intimate that he acted out with prostitutes. I can sort of understand when he did it in the beginning. We had separated because he was addicted to drugs. Sex with him had always been awful and I avoided it at all costs. We ended up divorcing because he wouldn't go to rehab. After he went to rehab we reconciled. He still had problems with ED but having worked on his childhood sexual abuse issues, he was more able to be intimate. We worked on finding medication for the ED and reconciled. He then started seeing prostitutes in the months right before we remarried. I found emails and VM messages the day after we were married. He had gone out of town. It was just devastating. This was over a year ago. We just had disclosure this week and i am having all of these awful feelings again. Disgust and total lack of respect for him. I don't trust his judgment in anything.

I really think about having an RA. It is just annoying. I am an attractive, sexual woman and I am married to someone that not only struggles with sexuality and intimacy but has a prostitution and drug addiction. It is just so gross to me and if I didn't have children, I wouldn't still be with him. There are a lot of layers to this but the crux of it for me is that the main thing he had going for him was that he was an honest guy. He is not particularly good looking and his "family values" attitude was the main reason I married him the first time. We were friends, it wasn't some overpowering attraction to him. We were married 15 years ago, the first time. Just don't know how you ever gain any respect back for them. I look at him and think he is just really filthy. Not someone I want to to be intimate with.

FYI, this is my first message on this board. So I still need to set up my signature line and it is nice to "meet" you all. I look forward to having someone besides my CSAT and best friend to talk to about this.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Missy-
Welcome and sorry you find yourself here. I can't imagine how awful it is to remarry him and find yourself where you are. (((hugs))).

How old are your children? How recently did you get remarried?

I'm glad you're seeing a CSAT. Mine has helped me so much. We recently talked about the respect issue and it's scary to wonder if I can get there again but I hope I can.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been here in a but, but I have caught up with everyone's stories. I am keeping you all in my thoughts. Things have been pretty good over here for the most part. He is active in IC, SA, and taking his medication. I have found a wonderful home S-Anon group and am detaching from him as my source of happiness.

However, I am getting a bit anxious because my husband is doing a full disclosure next week to me at his therapist's office. I am worried because I don't know all that could come out. I am going to be kind to myself in the meantime.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Happy  Posted: 7:11 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

I just wanted to pop in and say I am DONE.

I am quite delighted now it's a fact. I told my parents everything today (posted in S&D) and I am so relieved.

No more of this controlling, bullying, abusive shit thank you very much.

I hope you are all well.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Red, it sounds like you are taking charge of your life. Best of luck to you in your NB!


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

littlebee,

You say "he seems to really want to change".
The thing with SA is that it takes some 2 - 5 yrs of consistent and committed desire and work on the part of the SA to get to a place of emotional and sexual wellness...that place you would want and need your WH to be in before you should even consider having children with him. And, there is certainly NO guarantee that he will EVER get there. My saWH didn't.

That is the truth and reality of SA. Many SA's start out with the best intentions. Then they have intermittent attempts to restart the recovery process because addictions are tenacious and can pull them back in right at a point where you start to feel confident in his progress.

My saWH 'seemed to really want to change' several times over the last couple of years. He's now lumped in with the bulk of SA's who remain a prisoner to it.

I finally got my head on straight, accepted this, and have a solid exit plan in place. But, see, the thing is we do have children together AND my saWH is a very good partner in co-parenting our kids. So, I won't D yet. But, if I didn't have kids, I'd be GONE. Long gone. His SA manifests itself in ways which I, personally, equate to infidelity (porn addiction/sexually explicit social networking sites/etc ~ all inappropriate sh*t for a married man). Plus, he's had a LTA years ago. So, I will D him because I simply cannot ever incorporate infidelity into my marriage. Can you?
Because, right there, is your 1st obstacle and may be the one which you can never 'get over'. Then, you have the SA on top of that.

Take your time and think long and hard about NOT the potential of what could be, but about the truth and reality of your situation...and what you are signing up for by staying.

I realized a long time ago that I could have had my children with anyone.
Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets for having my children, nor for staying for them. But, the fact that you do not have kids yet AND you've learned some of the truth about your WH and M before kids...is a GIFT, in my opinion.

I wish you all the best.
Take care of you.


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
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