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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is not the case for us, and I don't even know if it has been suggested to SAWH. I don't want to be in a M where I can't have internet or HBO in the house at all. I am perfectly aware that it is akin to not wanting to live with an alcoholic if I can't have wine in the house, and it can be interpreted as I am that shallow. But to be fair I have sacrificed and suffered enough already to go through recovery with him, and if he can't work around it, learn the tools to live with it in the house, then he needs to be somewhere else until he can. I'm not denying my kids internet they need for school, or me for my sanity.

I felt the same way. I likened it to me refusing to only watch children's shows in the evening after the children were in bed. I'm an adult. I'm not going to live my life as a child simply because I have children. Well, I also refused to get rid of all computers in the house just because STBX had a problem with internet porn. It wouldn't even have done any good had I gone that route, because he had stashes of porn all over our property anyway.

Did y'all get that? STBX had stashes of porn all over our property to be used when he wasn't around the computer. Y'all need to be aware that an addict will plan in advance what to do if one source of supply dries up. Alcoholics hide bottles everywhere. Sex addicts hide porn everywhere. I was shocked at the places I found porn, especially since they were places our kids had access to.

I hope no one reading this will content themselves once the internet filter is installed, thinking they've done what's necessary to protect their children. Unless your husband is one of those one-in-a-million SA's who can successfully go cold turkey, there's still going to be porn in your house. Or your garage. Or your boat. Or your car. Or his truck. Or the storage shed. Or in the file cabinet. Or in the backpack. Or in the briefcase. Or in his drawer in the bathroom. Or under the sink. Or under the mattress. Or in his jacket pocket. Under the floor mats. In the padded & zippered china pouches.

Net Nanny isn't going to turn into Mary Poppins & snip-snap-spit-spot that porn away.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost, you are foremost in my heart. Hang in there, honey...

Re: filters, codep, etc., there is a fine line as always. I do have blocks on the TV still. I just do not want to be triggered by certain shows. It's not because I want to manage his recovery. I just won't have it in MY
House!

And Hath makes reference to alcohol...some if you may remember that DS 1 went voluntarily to rehab in Feb, has been attending AA meetings regularly since. He has done well, I think he has kept his sobriety for the most part, probably one slip, I think. But generally on the right track. He is 29. He was living at home at the time. He has moved out since, but still maintains an address here, his residence is a boat. Anyway, we made a decision to keep an alcohol free home when he came home from rehab. This wasn't to police him, just to support his sobriety and his recovery. We also don't drink if we go out to diner together. We aren't big drinkers anyway, we do enjoy wine with dinner, but this isn't a huge sacrifice, was recommended by my IC, an addictions specialist, and isn't forever.

My SAfWH ASKED me to check his internet use in the early days. He wanted me to check up on him. I refused. I didn't want the potential trauma. I did check when mt spidey senses told me to. Found a few things early days, things he didn't think were a problem, they were.

Each person has to figure out their own needs and boundaries. Determine your motivation and examine if it's codep or a safety measure. It's your call. And no one can figure that out but you.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyoneÖ Iím just checking in. I was going to file for divorce 2 weeks ago and for some reason, I just couldnít. It felt wrong. WH has still been going to counseling twice a week, but unfortunately stopped his 12-step program due to his job. Not the hours, but what he does for work, it would compromise his position. His counselor even said she was going to look for a program that he could attend that would be better fit what he does for a living. Iím still at my parentís house and I like being there, I feel safe. My WH and I have had dinner a few times and even went to a movie and we really enjoyed each otherís company. I told him before I even consider going home I needed to feel emotionally safe with him. I want to be sure this time, moving out 3 times in 6 months is not fun. We were intimate once during the last few weeks and I used to always LOVE being with him. The entire time I was worried about what he was thinking and hoping he was enjoying it, so he wouldnít feel the need to go elsewhere. It was horrible and I hated feeling that way!

Iím just really stuck right now, he asked me to come home again and I felt bad when I said I wasnít sure when that was going to happen. Iíve been gone for almost two months and I know itís hard for him to be at the house and handle all the responsibilities solo, but I did all of it when I was there so I know itís possible. There are days I just want to run home, but I know we have a long road ahead of us. Iím not even really sure what to ask of him before I move home besides being in a 12-step and install a key logger. What else should I need/require from him? Iím absolutely petrified about going home and getting humiliated again. He admitted to 15ish ONS, sex parties..etc Just writing that makes me feel sickÖ I donít know why Iím not running away..


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Each person has to figure out their own needs and boundaries. Determine your motivation and examine if it's codep or a safety measure. It's your call. And no one can figure that out but you.

Brilliant. Well said.

And just so I am not misunderstood, LOL, if SAWH was an alcoholic, I wouldn't have booze in the house. But I think of SA as like food addiction, you can't keep food out of your house entirely. And I would not have easy access to temptation during the first 90 days of any kind of sobriety either, that's just cruel.

Like I said I know my stance can be interpreted as shallow and unsupportive, but damn after what I've been subjected to I think I get to be a little "shallow" about some things. I'm not going to set him up to fail, but if it is SO bad we can't have internet and cable in the house...he probably should not be in a house with little kids anyway. Just sayin'. If it's that bad, he should be in an inpatient facility, or living elsewhere where his slips would not directly affect the kids.

Remind me I said this if it ever gets this bad.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastin, SA has phone meetings. If he asks a 12 step group they will give him the sheet for it. IDK if you can get that info online or not, you used to have to go to a meeting to get that info. Anyway, there are different kinds of meetings offered all day long. I know it's not the quite the same thing as going to one in person, but it may be helpful in addition to going to a 12 step that is not directly SA.

I wish I had more advice for you. I am a little too hypersensitive right now to say positive things about reconciling with an SA. Not that things aren't going well, I'm just struggling.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, Lastin, my SAfWH went to SA meetings rather far away, at least at first. He was afraid he'd run into someone he knew. Rather strange, if you think about it. ALL the people there are in the same boat. They all are there with the same amount kind of experiences. But I get it. It's hard to face. But there ARE ways to work the 12 steps in anonymity.

And Hath, I hear you, too. My blocks on the TV block out specific shows. Not HBO stuff. For instance, I was appalled to see, right after I discovered the strip clubs, that there was a show on a local channel sponsored by one of those strip clubs. They actually went out on the streets and solicited young women walking by to come to the whore hole and be made up to be strippers. THAT kind of stuff (the whole channel as a matter of fact) is blocked. The pay per view crap is blocked, but that's a moot point, I'd know from the statements if he was buying anything.

As I said, each of us has to figure this out. Unfortunately there isn't a step by step manual.

I remember one more thing that this discussion brings up. In the VERY early days, before we were the experts that we now are (sigh) I did snoop from time to time. I found pictures on his HD of young women, his students and friends of our sons. None of them were porn or even close. Most of them were copied from the FB pages of the girls. But, in the manner of young girls, they were sexy, flirty poses. None were bathing suits or shorts or suggestive in that way. And yet, I knew they were addict behavior. I knew they were wrong. He tried to brush it off, they were kids he was trying to keep track of, they were of interest to him because of his connection to him, blah, blah, blah. Then why were there NONE of the BOYS he had as students?

Ugly, nasty, crap. I am SO glad I don't have girls. To think that some nasty old man may be drooling or fantasizing over relatively innocent pictures curdles my blood.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I busted SAWH shortly after DDay perusing those kinds of pix in FB, Kat. He tried to blow it off too, but he came clean in discovery that he was using it as a substitute for porn. Not young girls, thank God, just the 20something idiots who think it is a good idea to put pix of themselves in bikinis or whatever posing provocatively (Um girlygirl, what if your boss sees that? your mother? Dumbass). If there is a will, there is a way. If I ever catch him with tween wannabe porn or our kids' friends' pictures...he is SO out of here.

IDK why I'm so angry and defensive about WH right now. Really nothing is setting off my gut, I'm just pissed off about the impact on my life in general. You know how that goes.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 7:04 PM, September 21st (Friday)]


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt the same way. I likened it to me refusing to only watch children's shows in the evening after the children were in bed. I'm an adult. I'm not going to live my life as a child simply because I have children.


A rare laugh here! NG, you nailed it.

In the last year, I have been catching up on all sorts of television shows that I felt uncomfortable watching with STBX: Girls, Mad Men, even Desperate Housewives. A friend told me I'm like a teenager who has just been sprung free. And I can't tell you how fun and normal it feels to just be able to watch what I want to watch on tv. I mean, I'm 43 years old!

(((Ghost))) I am in awe of you. You did it. Can you post on the S&D thread for advice about financing the attorney? There are quite a few attorneys lurking, and I know that you'll get some words of wisdom there. I owe you a PM, and have been praying that you would find an attorney. Bravo, my friend!!!!!


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

I am here with a new account as my original CallMeRed account somehow became inaccessible. Or I forgot the password as maybe I changed it to something ultra secure, who knows

Anyway I finally wrote my whole sorry story out here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=471509&HL=36870

I look at my WH now and I feel somewhere between numb and sad. I don't think we're going to last. He is rugsweeping, digging himself into projects and "forgetting about it". The keylogger shows no online stuff I am aware of but he does have multiple computers and a smartphone. The telling thing is, I sometimes can't even be bothered to check the reports now. I feel myself detaching.

I'm getting everything in line in case I decide to go it alone.

I hope you are all okay.

[This message edited by CallMeRed1 at 2:46 AM, September 22nd (Saturday)]


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím not even really sure what to ask of him before I move home besides being in a 12-step and install a key logger. What else should I need/require from him?

Lastin,
If you haven't already, talk to a CSAT. She will help you understand what you need...and what you need to require of your WH.

Also, as others have said, 12-step meetings can be attended by phone...with anonymity completely maintained. Your H would benefit from this if even to just listen in on the meetings at first. This is something I learned about awhile ago, so I have no link to provide. But, you can do some research online...or talk to a CSAT. Your H's therapist should know about this phone attendance option. And, actually, WH should be the one researching this to insure he participates in group therapy for himself.

Of course, there are meetings all over the country. Maybe attending a meeting some distance away from home would help to preserve his anonymity. Again, this should be something HE should have as a priority and something HE should be making happen for himself.

When a SA really wants help and is genuinely committed to getting help, THEY make it happen.

In my opinion, your 'M' should be on the back burner right now. Your WH needs to work on himself FIRST before you consider returning to a 'M' with him.


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, once he gets employed again, we want to find a CSAT. Thing is? There are virtually none around here.

He is attending his SAmeetings every week (2-3 depending on what's going on, but a minimum of 2). He WANTS recovery now. Which is a huge change from his formal denial. He's reaching out to his support network.

*I* have been utterly traumatized though. I don't know how to get through all of this.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, as others have said, 12-step meetings can be attended by phone...with anonymity completely maintained. Your H would benefit from this if even to just listen in on the meetings at first.

There is support for partners as well, through the Yahoo COSA group. There are regular online meetings several nights during the week. Also, if you join the Yahoo group, you can find the telephone number for their telephone meetings. I do attend both, at times. The online meetings are one hour long and are slow due to the sharing being typed out by one person at a time. After the meetings, many stay around and chat more freely on the site. Iíve gotten a lot out of each part of this, but probably more out of the general chat after the meeting. Itís always helpful to find someone going through the same things you are, and the experiences shared are great for getting ideas on actions to take moving forward. The telephone meetings go at the speed of a regular face-to-face meeting, and thus are VERY helpful. You can just listen in, if you donít want to share. Thereís complete anonymity and no travel time involved, so really itís a great option that I highly recommend.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CallMeRed1

I read your other post. Only you can decide when you are ready to leave. I remember catching my husband cheating, the third major Dday, and hearing one S-anon woman tell me that it was my decision whether to leave or not. I ended up leaving two months later, after intensive therapy, but I will always remember that womanís calm words to me. She was right, it was up to me. And I did try to give him another chance!

Later, during the divorce process, I was asked why I didnít leave years earlier as well. I was headed to a jury trial, and frankly, the fact that I didnít leave earlier was going to be used against me!

In my situation, I didnít know why I couldnít leave him after Dday #2 and Dday #3. I just knew I couldnít, and I had to get a lot of therapy to get the strength to do it. I was afraid of him. That became apparent, and through more therapy Iíve begun to recognize the injuries I suffered as a result of decades of abuse. I thought my STBX was ďa jerkĒ but didnít equate that with abuse, because he didnít hit me. Iím not yet divorced, and it turns out my fears of the process with him were justified.

Regarding the childrenÖ..this one is a tough one for me. I raised my children in this family, and I have to accept responsibility for that. The first year after discovery in early 2010, I finally began attending Al-Anon. I was in denial that I needed that. Once I realized how wrong that was, I had to accept that I raised my children in an alcoholic home. I already see the effects of that on my children. Thereís nothing I can do about it now, except to be a good role model in recovery for them. Whatís harder for me to accept now is the sex addicted/abusive relationship my STBX and I had, to model for our children. My children are now at risk of repeating the things they saw growing up. It makes me sick to think that I should have left in the 1990ís when I first caught the cheating. He took it way underground and I thought all was fine. If Iíd left then, even though it would have been hard, at least then my children might have been able to see a loving relationship growing up, instead of the one they did see. I thought things were not as bad as they were. The effects of the cheating have already affected one of my children in a very negative way.

I hope this helps. I hope that you will be able to see what you want to do more easily than I did. Keep posting and know that we support you, no matter which way you go.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost,

Way to go! That first step is always the hardest. Like Hath said, I would also seek out a second opinion so to speak, just to make sure they're both along the same lines. Do you have family you could turn to for a temporary loan to help pay your attorney? I also feel that you should be entitled to have WS pay some if nit all your legal fees considering your situation and the number of years you have been together.

Hang in there.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Each person has to figure out their own needs and boundaries. Determine your motivation and examine if it's codep or a safety measure. It's your call. And no one can figure that out but you.

I agree with this too. My husband asked me to install a porn blocker type thing in our house. This was not something that I came up with. If it helps him not look at porn, it helps him. If it doesn't, it doesn't. The way I see it, it can't be worse than not having one. I'm not naive enough to think this will be a magic cure. I know that porn can still be accessed in many ways. Since he asked, I'll put it on, but I'm not policing him. I don't police him now. That's why he's seeing a therapist, CSAT, and a 12-step. Let them help keep him accountable.

I want to say Ghost how proud I am of you. You will find a way.

Lastin, you have to go your own path, like the quote above. I don't know what that is any more that you do, but I'm here to support you.

Hugs to all of you!

An update for me: I'm dealing with the Envy Monster. A friend I have, that I met after being with my future husband for 3 years, has just found out she is pregnant. Within the almost 7 years that I've been with my now husband, she has gotten engaged, married, two new cars, bought a house, and is now on first child. She's accomplishing all my goals (well, not sure if I want kids) in half the time. I'm trying to be happy for her, but you know how it goes...


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your continuous support! Unfortunately, no one in my family is in any position to loan me money. I AM looking into STBX paying some or all of my legal fees. I will find a way.

Interesting that since my STBX knows I sought legal counsel, he suddenly came up with some decent money for me for bare necessities. He cannot bear to look like a shit in front of his colleagues. They all think he is such a great guy. My attorney told me this was likely to happen - and he was right!

Hang in there, my sisters. At all times, please do what is best for YOU and your children. It took me a long time to get there. Love to all...

Ghost


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CallMeRed1))) I just want you to know that someone read your story, and I feel terrible about everything you've gone through.


QVee, I'm sure you didn't expect your post to set off a firestorm. It's because most of us here have done similar things (though usually not at the request of the SA) and felt a false sense of security and control. Until the SA finds a way to disable the technology. SAs can get around virtually any sort of technology. In fact, *I* can get around it too now, thanks to my years of snooping.

But yes, you should definitely install the router blocker if it's something that your SAH thinks will help towards his recovery. Hang in there and please take good care of yourself.

And if it makes you feel better, when the envy monster strike, feel free to think of me. When I was your age, I had everything your friend had, plus some. Now, my STBX is a SA, I'm divorcing, he's damaged if not destroyed his career and our finances, and I need to start over from scratch. So you never know. When you look around at other people, you have no idea what's really going on in their lives OR what's in their futures. (I have to remind myself of this each and every day so that I can get up and out of bed to face the world and take care of my kiddies.)


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, ChoosingHope. That makes me feel a lot better. I really didn't mean to stir up so many emotions on here by asking about porn blockers. My WH and I did order the router blocker, and should be getting it in about a week.

I'm trying to see the positive things he does as positive and the negative things as negative. I want to keep my feet permanently grounded in reality here. No rugsweeping.

I'm sorry you've had to start over. And as much as I may be envious of my friend, I hope she never has to experience any of what we've had to go through on here.

Hugs to all.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to you lovely people who read my long history.

When I read it myself I wonder why I am still here calmly thinking about what to do.

What is wrong with me that I feel so sad about everything? And when he is nice to me I feel so unsure?

I STILL keep wondering if it's me, and in fact our situation isn't that bad.

I will catch up with everyone else's posts when I feel a bit less preoccupied, sorry for being a bit "all about me" at the moment

[This message edited by CallMeRed1 at 4:50 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is wrong with me that I feel so sad about everything? And when he is nice to me I feel so unsure?

Oh my dear...it's called TRAUMA. Please be gentle with yourself! You are more than entitled to feel this and the rest of the range of emotions you will feel as you travel this road.

I STILL keep wondering if it's me, and in fact our situation isn't that bad.

And I, for one, and I venture to guess, most of the rest of us, have BTDT on these thoughts. But it really isn't about whose story is worse, or whose SA did what kinds of acting out, or what they did or didn't say in the course of their addiction. It's still about the harm they did to those around them. US. And any others who were affected. It's why we DO have to heal ourselves first. We CANNOT count on them to do it. They are SICK, DAMAGED people no matter what kind of behavior they engaged in and they sucked us into their cesspool.

Please don't apologize for your well-deserved self preservation. You are finally putting YOU first. We all got to that stage, and it's the right beginning step. We get it.

*******((((((((RED))))))))*********


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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