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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
OptimisticMe
♀ Member
Member # 30658
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, September 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lastin: We found out he was SA about two years ago. After he finally admitted to his affairs (when I already had proof), he became very loving and caring and supportive. He always used to be angry and like a loaded pistol about to go off...he became nice, not just to me but to everyone around him.

And now, he is obviously slipping back down the slope to anger. It scares me because his affairs have always been in about 2 year increments (at least the big ones). I am worried he has that 2 year itch. They have always also been when I am pregnant (yeah, he's an ass) and we were planning for our third baby. I am so upset! I was looking forward to having our last baby...to SAWH being able to "make it up to me" since he was horrible during my other pregnancies. Now I don't think a pregnancy is a good idea, at least not now. He makes me cry when I'm not pregnant, so pregnancy would be like emotional suicide :(

I am SO angry that his stupid addiction is affecting my life like this. I want a baby dammit! I want my "nice husband", not this prick that is emerging again!


Me: 28, BW
Him: 32, WH, Sex Addict
3 kids: 13 DD (his), 4 DD (ours), 2 DS (ours)

Married 8 years.

Hubs is firm in recovery from SA and is like a new man and husband. We are happily reconciling and making great progress...nope, ass is back


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((OptimisticMe))) That is so hard. On my DD, when I first found out the tip of the iceberg of his acting out, one of my conditions to R was for him to get a vasectomy. We had talked about it prior to DD, that he would get one when we were sure we were done, so it wasn't a punitive action. But *I* took it very hard when he had it. I had still been hoping for one more prior to the shit hitting the fan. But I knew, me being 41 and him at that point not even acknowledging he was SA, that having another baby would never be a good idea. And it made me very sad and angry. You must be so very frustrated right now, and sad and angry too.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday SAWH and I had a little talk about how I was doing since formal disclosure. I told him my main concern at this point was his great character defect of lack of honesty, that while you can stop acting out and visibly see that, it's only one area of your life. Lying is much more subtle, and can touch EVERYTHING in your life. It will be tremendously hard for me to rebuild my trust in him knowing that he has been conditioned to lie about everything that is to his advantage. That he needed to talk with his IC about that and how he can show me progress on that front, something tangible I can see/feel/whatever so I can feel more safe.

The other concern I told him about was how much I underestimated his FOO issues. That I probably idolized his parents more than they really were because they were not like mine. But the truth is they just had different issues than mine, and I didn't see it. And we talked about a couple of specific examples. IDK that I really expressed any specific concerns on it as far as how it impacts me, but I think at least the door has been opened on the subject and we can discuss it further again.

Right now I am trying to solidify a new family schedule that allows time for everybody - INCLUDING me. Not to be guilted into overscheduling the kids or me doing too much for others instead of myself. It's been challenging. I have a lot I need to get done for me, and a lot I need to get done in general so harder than I thought. But I'm working on it.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it helps at all, my SAfWH was a chronic, habitual liar. All. the. time. About stupid stuff. It has taken three years and hard step work, but not anymore. He takes pride in (now)being a person of integrity.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
iloveoreos
♀ New Member
Member # 36775
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. It's taken me some time to get through all these posts, but I have finally and you all have helped me so much. I've only been married a few months and recently discovered naked pictures from WH's coworker on his cell phone. He swears nothing physical happened and although I am ruling nothing out, I'm inclined to believe that much. It's a thrill for him to get people (men or women) to send naked pictures and it seems to stop there. But how long will that be enough? I know in the past there has been craigslist posting and replying to posts. I don't think I (or he) realized this is an addiction until this last DD. He's in counseling and has been diagnosed with a porn addiction. I'm just so embarrassed and hurt. I cant believe he couldn't even remain faithful for 3 months. I feel like he does recognize he has a problem and he is remorseful, but is this really something he can overcome? Or should I run as fast as I can for an annulment before we have kids involved and its even worse? What if he overcomes this, but relapses 10 years or so down the road? I am so confused. I take my marriage seriously, but as some point I wonder if I'm not showing myself enough respect.

[This message edited by iloveoreos at 7:43 AM, September 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2012
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iloveoreos... I'm in the same boat. I too had just been married a little over a year, when we had our first DDay, and just a little over two years when I found out about his porn addiction and he was diagnosed with SA.

The only reason I have stayed is because he finally seems ready to deal with himself. He has been attending therapy once a week and a 12-step group. He told me that he "no longer wanted to have a relationship with his hand and the computer screen for the rest of his life."

But it doesn't mean that I still don't get scared or nervous. Like you, we also have no children, and we're still young. I also get the same fears like:

Will he be able to overcome this?

Will he go into remission for a few years, and then get back into it if we decide to have kids? (SAs seem to really lose it when a spouse is pregnant.)

Will he ever prefer intimacy with me over porn?

I'm not ready to walk away yet; for myself, I need to see where this diagnosis takes us. It's only been a month, but it doesn't mean that I never have any doubts.

((Iloveoreos)) ((SA spouses))

An update: I survived the weekend. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be with SIL and her OW around. We sat down and talked, and she said that she did not start a relationship with OW until she had separated from her wife; therefore, she did not cheat. I'm kinda inclined to believe her, as now STBXWife is also corroborating it. It's just like "Wow, couldn't you give it some more time before a rebound relationship?" The whole situation just stirred my emotions. Secondly, it is just so inappropriate as OW is SEVERAL years younger. Sigh. Least I won't have to deal with this again until Thanksgiving.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iloveoreos - I can really relate to how you're feeling right now. I discovered my husband's porn and sex addiction 6months after we were married. It's like a slap in the face. The biggest deciding factor will be whether he commits to recovery or not.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
iloveoreos
♀ New Member
Member # 36775
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both for being so honest and sharing your stories. Im past the hurt...and now I'm angry. Angry he robbed me of what should be the happiest time of our lives. Angry he robbed me of our newlywed year. We were talking about getting pregnant right before I discovered the texts. So do we just have to spend the rest of our lives looking over our shoulder? How can I bring a child into a possible mess? I'm 28, I feel like I need to make a decision now to stay or go. I don't have forever to have children.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2012
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iloveoreos -

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but I've found a lot of support and help here, and I hope you do as well. That is brutal having to deal with it so fresh from your wedding I know we all wish we had a magic crystal ball to look into to see whether we should cut our losses or tough it out for an uncertain future.

I've been doing a lot of research and reading studies, and obsessive use of pornography is such a slippery slope. It's what set my husband off on his journey ...porn first, then strip clubs, dating sites, and on to prostitutes. It sets them up to unreal and fantasy expectations about sex to the point that its all they care about. Normal relationships are not enough. I'm sure some can overcome it with extreme and lifelong effort, but its my feeling that most won't be willing to do that much work when the fantasy is so much easier, and what they really desire.

At the very least, I'd definately not be trying to get pregnant - that only complicates things so much further. If you do decide to leave, it will be much cleaner and final without kids in the picture. I'm sorry.


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Spouses,

I start school again soon, and my kids just went back again last week. I'm busy finishing up last minute projects before I get swamped again. I'm feeling a change in my emotions - I think I'm finally starting to transition from my grief period into an anger stage. I'm finally able to wake up in the morning under the mantle of my new normal, rather than waking up feeling okay, then getting that realization of trauma giving me a punch to the stomach. Guess I've gotten used to the idea, crappy that it is.

Kinda retraumatized myself last night. I found a website that does deeper web searches using email addresses. I typed in WH's secret email from his trysts and it popped up with some hookup site with his real name and his photo. Said he was looking for girls 28 - 43, and not sure what relationship he was looking for, but "having fun along the way!" with a smiley face!! Thought my heart would jump out of my chest. It looks like he set it up last year before DDay. I don't think he's still using it, it didn't look active, but still like a punch to the face.

I am starting to question the idea of sex addiction. I wonder how many guys use it as an excuse? "I couldn't help myself, I have an addiction." --> (which leads to sympathy for an illness) vs "I couldn't help myself because I'm a selfish immoral person" --> which leads to judgment.

Does it really matter if they are truly "addicted"? The actions are the same. The consequences to us are the same. I don't want to live the rest of my life with someone who needs a 12-step program to be faithful, to be a decent human being, to not repeatedly stab me in the back while smiling to my face. I want the real deal, not a veneer.

~Bene


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
iloveoreos
♀ New Member
Member # 36775
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Beneficence. I am finding comfort on this site-a place to vent to people that understand. Pornography is a slippery slope and I have no doubt that my husband would have ended up acting out physically sooner or later had I not caught him when I did. I'm sorry for what you are going through as well ((hugs)). Husband's parents allowed him or rather, just looked the other way, to have Playboys in the house as a teenager (so many things wrong with this) and I think it just progressed from there. He had to keep looking at harder and harder stuff to get the same "thrill" and it progressed to sexting with live people. I am def not trying to get pregnant. I don't know if I will EVER feel comfortable bringing a child into this mess. And that is what I have to decide...is he really worth it to potentially give up my dream of being a mom?

And I have to say I agree with you...I know husband has an illness, but I continue to say that PEOPLE CAN CONTROL THEIR ACTIONS! He's weak-pathetic and I'm not allowing an this to be an excuse for what he did

[This message edited by iloveoreos at 12:09 PM, September 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2012
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iloveoreos -

And that is what I have to decide...is he really worth it to potentially give up my dream of being a mom?

There's no need to give up your dreams - you're still young! Maybe this guy is a piece of klunk, but good ones are out there. But dealing with this with kids in tow is brutal, and the kids are damaged in the process. Even if they are only a dream right now, when they get there, there's real consequences to them.

but I continue to say that PEOPLE CAN CONTROL THEIR ACTIONS!

Hell, yeah! I hate it when people say, Oh it was just a mistake. Like, "Oh, I'm sorry I slipped and my penis fell into her! My bad!". No, these things are premeditated, well thought out long-term deceptions. It's not a blip on the radar, it is a whole double life they cultivate and create for themselves with intent, knowing the consequences.


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((iloveoreos))))

My advice: Go to www.iitap.com/ and see if you can locate a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) in your area. Make an appointment for YOU. Go and tell the CSAT all the details of your situation (they've heard it all before, many times, nothing will surprise or shock them!) They will be able to tell you, based on their specialized training and experience, what you can likely expect both short and long term with porn addiction. They will be able to answer any questions you have. They will validate and support you in ways which will help you tremendously.

As others have said, do not get pregnant now. I am sorry. I know this is heart-breaking for you. But, BEFORE you make any further 'big' decisions like having a baby, your H needs to consistently demonstrate an immediate and unwavering willingness to want to help himself get to a place of wellness...which includes work: therapy (CSAT ideally), support group sessions, and a sponsor.

I am 2 yrs out from learning of my H's porn/etc addiction. He cycled through admitting he has a problem...to ultimately completely discounting that he has this problem. He begged me to allow him to stay (and not D him) and made promises of CSAT treatment, internet filter to block porn from coming into our home, and how he loved me and wanted to be the best H to me. He started out enthusiastically seeing his CSAT once/week...which went to every other week...until he eventually stopped completely. He never did group therapy, nor did he have a sponsor despite his CSAT's prompting. And, the web filter I installed...he simply bypassed by hooking up another router in our basement, hiding it behind the insulation in the wall.
Needless to say, I am done...the marriage is over...and its been the ordeal from hell. But, I have 3 kids
to consider and my H and I do get along well as a 'family'...parent well together.

I have a PlanB for myself and my future...which does not include my H. I will D after my kids are launched...

Had I known before kids...that infidelity and SA were in my future with my H, I would have D'd pre-kids. I could have had my kids with anyone.

Sorry for such a negative post.
Please talk to a CSAT to get a better handle on this and to get some clarity so that you can make informed, educated decisions moving forward.

I wish you all the best.
Take care of yourself.


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all

Welcome to the thread, iloveoreos. My WH has a porn addiction too. I remember when we were engaged and I went out for an evening, I came back and he TOLD ME he'd been web camming with some woman. He thought this was "normal"? Even now when I mention that he says "we weren't married, some people have sex on their stag night" etc etc.

I remember 6 months into our marriage being 3 months pregnant and discovering he had googled "women enjoying anal sex". I remember lying down on our bed, sobbing wondering how I got myself into that situation and considered myself stuck in it because of the baby.

Now we have been married 10.5 years, have 3 children and he slid right down the slippery slope and hooked up with some slut on a website where you can click all the boxes for what you want and they both clicked 'anal'. After dday he actually told me he realised now that I was "right 14 years ago" when I said "this porn will lead to other things".

So, with every ounce of gentleness I can find, iloveoreos, I say to you run while you can. While there are no children. Don't do what I did.

(But if you don't, we'll still be here to support you anyway.)

Hugs to all.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs to everyone)))

Just wanted to point out it is ok, it is right, there is nothing wrong with, nothing to be ashamed of, etc in leaving an SA whether you have children or not. Having kids in the pictures just further complicates the process, because there are custody issues, child support issues, managing the damage to the kids, etc. and any and all of these components can get real ugly real fast. But in all honesty the money to support the family, the quality and quantity of time spent with the kids, the family environment they have to live in, and minimizing the effects of the addiction on the family is still there whether you D or not.

It's super easy to tell somebody who is not married or newly married with no kids to run from an SA. Lots harder to actually DO in practice, in the moment. But we all have to remember if it looks like a worse case scenario, if he's not willing to do the work, etc we should tell ANYONE to run, including ourselves, whether kids are involved or not.

It all comes down to "Are you better off with him or without him?" Right now, with no qualifiers. If the answer is no, get out or at least make an exit plan. ((hugs))


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, with every ounce of gentleness I can find, iloveoreos, I say to you run while you can. While there are no children. Don't do what I did.

Amen.

Having said that, you can also leave a SA if you have children. Of course like Hath points out, it's more difficult. But I'm doing it. It finally looks like I will get sole physical custody! I feel light and free! My children will continue to have a relationship with their father and see him several times a week. But no overnights for now - probably forever.

Financially things will be difficult, BUT that's only because my STBX has made a mess of his career in the past two years thanks to his SA. And I'm lucky; I have a supportive family who can help.

My children will have the best of a very difficult situation created by my SA STBX. So for those of you reading who think that you can't leave because you have children, the answer is NO. In my case, I had to leave FOR my children. I can not and will not have them live with a father who is acting out sexually in inappropriate and compulsive ways. I will not have them live with lies. And they can NEVER be exposed to my STBX's activities and then know that I stayed with him and allowed him to treat me like this. I've read the stories here and I've read the studies and I know that this is the worst legacy I could give to my children.

It all comes down to "Are you better off with him or without him?" Right now, with no qualifiers. If the answer is no, get out or at least make an exit plan. ((hugs))

Another Amen.

Sending everyone peace and courage.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope, I am so happy to hear your good news about custody! Woo hoo!!! Still here reading all of the heartbreaking posts, and sending you all strength and hugs...

My situation has been on "hold" as my SAWH's mother nearly died from some unknown infection this past month. I held off the "divorce" proceedings out of respect, but now that she is out of danger, I will move forward.

We have no future together, and no amount of wishing, hoping and praying will change him. He is broken (still acting out) and I am done. He is not giving me money or paying our bills. My home phone was shut off one month ago. (A blessing only because I can no longer answer the calls from the multiple bill collectors)

My job situation has improved because my bitch of a boss was fired, but I still cannot make enough money to support myself. I am spending weekends at our lake house alone, but I am gathering strength. I am doing okay, my sisters, I pray for all of you and hope you will continue pray for me. Love to each and every one of you...

Ghost


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***********(((((((((((Ghost)))))))))))*************

I have been so worried about you. Is there any way you can get an attorney and file for immediate temporary support? PM on the way.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just starting to get info about SA and have some questions for those who SA has screwed with their lives.

My WH has had issues with porn, even using his work computer to look at porn, dating sites, craigslist ads, strippers, affairs - both casual and serious, casual sex, etc through out our entire marriage. He has read a little about sexually compulsive behaviors and can kind of identify with the stages of compulsion and his behaviors. He still has not seeked out counseling to confirm this possible diagnosis. He says he will, but obviously is really resistant.

Over the weekend I found out that his most recent sexual experiences were violent - the girl liked to be choked and called terrible names while they had very aggressive sex. Then after a conversation with my MIL (his step mom) I found out that my H's parents were into some serious S/M. I never met my H's mom as she died when he was a teen. On the surface his parents were very traditional and conservative - in fact the subject of sex was taboo, their sexual practices must have been very secret as I don't think anyone would have guessed what they were doing behind closed doors.

Anyway, I'm wondering if a history of having parents with this background could be part of the picture of SA?

Thanks


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issaaquah
My STBX is obsessed with S&M sex. The CSAT told me that time and time again, he's observed that the SAs who are into these sorts of S&M activities have the worst FOO and childhood trauma. He can literally pick them out of a crowd.

I don't know if perhaps your husband somehow saw his parents engaging in this activity and it is engraved somewhere in his head, or if he's just a run-of-the-mill SA who is escalating his habits to get a greater and greater high. I don't think there's any way to know unless he really starts getting professional help.

But I and at least one other woman on this thread can tell you that people who engage in these sorts of activities are not emotionally healthy - and they can be dangerous as their addiction escalates. Choking someone IS NOT okay, even if it's consentual. If your husband won't get help, I really hope that YOU can get some help for yourself, either from a counselor or a group.


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