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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, September 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Red,

(((Hugs))).

So here is the thing. You can't make him go into treatment, etc. You CAN have a boundary that you do not want to be in a relationship with him if he is not in IC with a CSAT. And then you enforce that boundary with consequences if he does not respect your boundary. You could kick him out, or or make him sleep in another room, file for D, whatever you feel is necessary to make you feel safe. He has obliterated your trust, and he should be willing to do whatever it takes to earn it back. It doesn't matter if he doesn't believe in SA or whatever. What matters is if he is respecting your boundaries and doing the work to fix himself and the M. If he can't or won't, or at least be willing to try, there is no M.

I don't agree he is doing everything right, IMHO. But when I was in your shoes at that stage of the game, I was saying the same thing. I can read it in my old posts. But the truth was he was not. He was trying to to the minimum so that I wouldn't leave, and he wasn't really working on fixing himself or the M at that time, he was going through the motions in the bare minimum requirements. It wasn't until more than six months after Dday that he started to see himself and our situation for what it really was.

As for the TMI, LOL. When SAWH sat down and had our first informal disclosure on our own (which you all know was a big fat lie, he lied greatly about the length and volume of acting out), I told him he had ruined anal sex, and probably sex in hotels, with me forever. In my case, I had seen pix I could not unsee, therefore I had more "grounds" for that in his eyes. But that honestly should not matter in your case. I told him if that was a dealbreaker for him, get out now. It was a result of his actions, it was consequences of his choices, I was not taking any guff about it. And he was so desperate to stay in the M, he was visibly disappointed, but said he would do whatever I wanted. The difference is NOW that he's in active recovery he does it because it is a boundary, and he knows it is necessary for me to feel safe. But to be honest it is not that hard because we don't have sex at all. We fool around, but nothing that puts me at risk for STDs. That is my comfort level until he is further in recovery and my trust in him is greater.

Red, IDK if you have read my Neverending Story in JFO. It's a long read, but there are nuggets of useful info in there. And for me, at the stage you are at now, it was way easier for me to see what I could not see in myself in others in the same boat. Reading here, going to S-Anon, group therapy was extremely helpful because I'd ask why does she do that, can't she see this, etc and then turn it inward and realizing I was doing the same thing.

(((Hugs))). You are in a shitty spot right now and it's not fair. You deserve much better. We all do.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, September 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much, hathnofury. Such a lovely message, I just want to cry (in the best way possible if that makes any sense at all).

I keep mentally beating myself up about if all of this is my fault etc etc. I know it isn't logically but it's so easy to lapse into that mindset.

I will definitely have a look at your long thread. Thank you.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you ever read one too many posts? For the most part SI is very helpful but every now and then I keep reading just one post too long ( not in ICR but the other more general threads). Then all the good or hopeful feelings are wiped away and I am left doubting my sanity again, wondering if I am the World's dumbest woman for trying to R with a f?SA. (Nothing directed at me personally just comments in other people's threads).

Swinging back and fore like a pendulum today between hope and despair. Everything seems to be going fine with SAWH, just wondering if I'm being a fool and will be back to square one in 1,3,5 or 10 years and wish I'd left now.

I know there are no easy answers.

((SA Spouses))


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, September 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you Notmetoo

I'm on that pendulum too. I worry so much now about finding myself here again in the future.

The past couple of days I haven't visited here much and not read much at all because I was feeling down anyway and didn't want to feel worse.

I have just been offered a spa break by my WH. Funnily enough the first time I can go is the weekend of our anniversary (11 yrs). I think it would be a good time to go.

But it will also be a good time to think and also a damn good test of that keylogger. What happens during that break will tell me a lot.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, September 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Red

Our 26th anniversary was the beginning of August. It was a year and one week from DDay. We did not acknowledge it (at my request) as its not a date I think I will ever be able to celebrate again.

I think going on a spa break by yourself on your anniversary weekend may be a fitting way to deal with what is a difficult time for most of us BS's. I hope you have a nice relaxing break and get some quiet time to process and get your thoughts straight. Hopefully the key logger will not reveal any new activity by your WH while you're gone.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, September 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notme, I can totally relate. Here's the thing about public forums, they allow anybody. So you get unfiltered total bullshit from time to time. You come here to be with people that understand what you are going through, because if you have never been betrayed (or been the betrayer), someone who has not had that experience can't know what you are going through. That is the whole point of SI. You come here for validation, support, suggestions. But occasionally you get for lack of a better word, venomous shit. Because they can't know what we've been through, and they don't know our whole story, so they fill in the blanks with their own prejudices, lack of valid information, and the bitterness from their own non-related experiences.

And I just think, wow, I feel sorry for that person to be enveloped in such anger, judgment, and ignorance. That they feel so bad inside they can't even express their opinion in a way that is not offensive. THAT's a person who really needs help.

But then again, I'm also one of those people that watch Hoarders so I can feel good about my house. Who am I to judge?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, September 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you ever read one too many posts?

you get unfiltered total bullshit from time to time.

Hath, I think you win the prize for the most resilient of us all. I am truly awed. And your ability to see the point of views with others through their eyes bodes well for your future. I know that your dear children will absorb this and be able to face and deal with many adversities because of the attitude of their mother. Do make sure you take care of yourself in order to maintain this truly amazing state of mind.

And Red, her advice about not fixing him is so right on. And heavens! Please don't comply with sex acts you find abhorrent to "keep" him sober. First of all, you have rights and second of all, it won't work. His addiction will only escalate because it will eventually not be enough. It never is for an addict. A good Sanon group would be really be a great place to help you find your power. That's something that SAs are amazingly adept at stealing from their spouses. It's just another form of abuse.

NEVER would I have considered me, strong, independent, take charge, organizer ME, to be cast in the role of an abused woman. But that is just what I was. What we all are when living with an active SA.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, September 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted a little in the separated/divorce section.. I miss you guys here and wanted to fill you in and get your opinion on what's going on and how I'm feeling. If you don't know my whole story, it's in my profile.. 10-15 ONS, sex parties and WH recently admitted to being a SA (now in recovery).

WH kept pressuring me for an answer and said he couldn't live in limbo. So, I went by our house 2 days ago and told WH, I was done and had nothing left to give. It was so very sad and we both cried, but at the same time, I felt some weight lifted from my shoulders.

Since I left the house, I've cried alot, I guess mourning what once was/what could've been.

Over the last few hours, he has sent me tons of messages... Here are a few:

You're the love of my life. Please think this thru, I feel like youre making the biggest mistake. I'll do anything you ask.

I want nothing more to make you happy. We're supposed to stick by eachother even when it gets so hard we don't think we're going to make it.

I wasn't ready before to admit my shortcomings and wrongdoings, I can't change that, but I want to be the man you deserve.

You can't just give up on us, we can be strong together.

We shouldn't leave one another in the greatest time of need. Please come to church with me.

I just hope you never feel like me, You are all I had.

I am not perfect and made huge mistakes, but we were perfect for each other, I'm sure you can go better tho.

At least with me you know my issues and I'm willing to fix them. Now you're going to get someone who's going to hid their shit.

My counselor told me once I gave you disclosure, you'd stick by my side unless there was someone else. I hope they deserve you.

After these sending these messages, he came by my work yesterday and apologized. He had a card, flowers and tears in his eyes, begging me to reconsider.

He's making this so difficult.. I hate that I still feel so bad for him and want to take his pain away. I hate that I still love him so much. Part of me feels like I need to make sure he's going to be okay, like I'm still responsible for comforting him. But when I say that, I think of all the times, I was crying, begging for the truth and there was no support or comfort for him. I think I need to talk to my IC about being co-dependent... God I just want to let him go!! I'm confused!!!

[This message edited by lastin12 at 8:29 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
MissMovingOn
♀ Member
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh (((lastin))) (((red))) (((everyone else))) I'm a mess tonight so extra extra hugs all around.

I am struggling so bad right now. I am so used to going to WH for comfort when I'm feeling bad, even when he's not the right shoulder to cry on, and this time I'm really sticking firm to not leaning on him and it is soooooooooo hard. I went to my weekly S-Anon meeting tonight and it was really great. Very supportive and grounding.

On the one hand I wish he would show me at least one tiny little morsel of remorse for his latest slip(s) but at the same time that would tug at my heartstrings so much so maybe it's better that he's not.

I'm just so *tired* and I don't want to let on at work that anything is wrong and I have a massive assignment due for my program Friday night. And he's sleeping like a baby.

Thanks for "listening".


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
Left me for 20 yr old COW. Moving on!

Posts: 353 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Content  Posted: 3:32 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh lastin and BwinBC we really do need a group hug. Everything is happening at once isn't it.

My husband started the chat last night. That's the first time. I decided to come straight out with it and tell him I do not want to have anal sex.

He argued his case but I have said that is the final word from me. He can decide what he wants to do now blah blah blah.

And then, honestly I have never known anything so surreal. We started talking about divorce and how it would work. Who would get what, who would live where. We both said we think it could be amicable. I honestly believe that.

Yet again we talked until the small hours. But I feel like I have done a good thing. I've put the ball in his court - he has to think about what I have said now and live with it or not. I have told him it would mean no online business at all.

He is still in denial about being a SA. Me? From what he told me last night I am not 100% convinced either. He told me what he did and how many times and it wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. And I know some people will think he was BSing but I know when he is telling the truth. His behaviour between his ONS and Dday meant I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what, because of the way he was.

He hasn't spoken to me about last night yet this morning. But he's working from home at the moment so we shall see how the day turns out.

I felt strangely numb yesterday. I feel like if he tells me we should split now, it won't bother me as much as if we try to R and it happens in a year. So what will be will be etc.

[This message edited by CallMeRed at 3:32 AM, September 6th (Thursday)]


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I decided to come straight out with it and tell him I do not want to have anal sex.

He argued his case but I have said that is the final word from me.

I cannot imagine what his argument was to support his anal sex requirement, but if this is a deal-breaker for him...red flag. That if his intense 'need' for anal sex specifically is not in the realm of SA, then there are some other serious problems here.

CallMeRed, I don't know if you can 'see' it because you are IN the situation, but he has reduced your meaning to him, your importance to him, his interest in you, his commitment to you...down to your cooperation with anal sex.

He is willing to throw away everything you have to offer as a woman, as his W, his life-mate, partner, lover, all the other good that you bring to his life AND the well-being of his children...for anal sex.

There is something very wrong with this picture.

I hope you can get some perspective on this to see how troubling it is that this is actually a deal-breaker for him.

(((((CallMeRed))))))


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lastin,

I wonder if HE could answer a few questions:

admitted to being a SA (now in recovery).

What is your definition of 'recovery'? What does 'recovery' look like? What does it meant to you?

So, I went by our house 2 days ago and told WH, I was done and had nothing left to give. It was so very sad and we both cried

WHY are you crying...or why did you cry?


You're the love of my life.

What does 'love of my life' mean to you? Explain.

I'll do anything you ask.

Will you check in to an in-patient treatment center today? OR... Will you begin treatment including weekly CSAT sessions, weekly group therapy sessions, and talk with an accountability partner/sponsor daily AND allow him to remotely monitor your computer activity?...as well as have a web/internet filter in place to block incoming porn and access to sexually explicit sites? Will you limit your computer use to only times when I am around AND only use the computer in common rooms and positioned with the monitor visible?

I want nothing more than to make you happy.

What do YOU think would make me happy?

We're supposed to stick by eachother even when it gets so hard we don't think we're going to make it.

What does you 'sticking by me' look like specifically? And, what does my 'sticking by you' look like? Define 'sticking by each other'? What does that mean?

I want to be the man you deserve.

What do I deserve from my H and M? What does this man 'look like'? What all does he bring to the table?

we can be strong together.

What do you mean by this...'be strong together'? Explain.

Please come to church with me.

Why?

I just hope you never feel like me

How do you feel exactly? WHY do you feel the way you do?

we were perfect for each other

Please describe how we were 'perfect' for each other? What would a 'perfect' H look like to me? What would make him 'perfect'? Is this what YOU have been?

At least with me you know my issues and I'm willing to fix them.

Have you willingly seen your CSAT this week? When/where are your group therapy sessions? Have you been assigned a sponsor yet? Have you spoken to him today?

My counselor told me once I gave you disclosure, you'd stick by my side unless there was someone else.

Can I contact your counselor and quote you here to confirm that this is exactly what she told you?

he came by my work yesterday and apologized. He had a card, flowers and tears in his eyes

WHY are you crying?


lastin,
I know this questioning may seem extreme, but before you make ANY decisions based on the things he's said, you need to clarify exactly what he meant...what his motivation was...and how HE defines certain verbiage he's used. It's easy to SAY much of what he's said...and it all sounds 'good' on the surface. Most of it's standard will say anything to get her back kind of stuff. I've heard the same exact lines, claims, and promises several times from my WH.
But, before you can even consider what it all means to you, you MUST determine what it all means to HIM.


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((BWinBC)))))

This is such a long, hard haul.

Staying grounded in reality, which your group sounds very helpful with, is so important to keeping you sane in all this.

I know you've heard this a million times already, but try to focus on yourself (and the kids, of course!).
Socialize and/or reconnect with people...good people...who care about you and build you up.
Find and/or revisit interests outside of your WH/M.
Make some personal goals for yourself...and work to achieve them.
Read uplifting, positive books.
Pray.

It's important to sort of carve a life out for yourself to live alongside your WH as he focuses on himself and his own tasks at hand.

I know how hard all this is.
I wish you all the best.
(((((BWinBC))))


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Genius. There is a lot I have left out. I am writing fast, and also when sleep deprived as at the moment WH is working from home so constantly walking in the room.

Maybe at some point I should write out my whole timeline. There is a lot I have never said (not infidelity or SA related). But right now we have a babysitter due and are going out. Just wanted to say thanks.

ETA if it turns out the anal is a deal breaker, then it will be over anyway and we will get on with our individual lives. And if it isn't, we won't. So I'm just going to see what happens day to day as I have been.

This rollercoaster is the worst ride I have ever been on, I have to say.

[This message edited by CallMeRed at 12:01 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just throwing a few things into the mix.

Addicts lie. When I asked someone, early on "how will I know when my H is lying?" His answer was, "when his lips are moving." This is an ADDICTION. They can't just turn the behaviors on and off no matter how they might want to. "IN RECOVERY" means all their life. All YOUR life. It is a life style change and a life long battle. It won't always be as hard as it is in the beginning but they can't EVER let their guard down, just as an alcoholic cannot EVER have a beer. And sex is part of a normal life, so it makes integration of normal sex much more complicated.

Right now, after what I went through, I can't imagine ever being a sexual being again. I know that's sad, but it is what it is. My SAfWH knows this. He knows he caused this. His reaction is, he doesn't care. He chooses to be be here, with me, in the marriage we now have. He is in recovery. I believe him that he is engaging in NO porn. I know he isn't engaging in any other SA behavior, he is too transparent. I don't believe he is masturbating. Although I am not sure that would be a deal breaker under the circumstances if it wasn't compulsive and didn't involve porn. I don't know if I completely believe that he will be happy in a sexless marriage forever but that remains to be seen. My point is that right now, his focus is on doing what makes me feel safe. It isn't always easy for him, it doesn't come naturally. But it what the 7th step is all about. THAT's why 12 steps are so necessary. And why 7 comes after 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. A program was a condition of R for me. And I wasn't willing to compromise on it...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 3:55 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wednesday was our 25th anniversary, which we 'celebrated' by getting into an argument. I made the cardinal error of answering the following question honestly "where do you see us in 25 more years?" What did I say that set his majesty off? I said "I hope I'm in an honest relationship with no secrets and lies." OMG- that opened it up. You see, it turns out I'm juvenile and immature and act like a rebellious teenager and hold grudges. And I'm stuck. What set him off? I have a safe deposit box & my own accounts. *That*, ladies, makes me all of the previous descriptions- plus more. A safe deposit box and my own accounts. Naturally I had to descend to his level, , so I asked him why's he still here then, if I'm such an awful wife/partner/whatever. I got a non answer, "I believe in us". Lovely.

Other things happened. Other words were said. I am so immeasurably sad. So very very sad.

This song plays constantly in my mind:

"Baby Can I Hold You" by Tracy Chapman

Sorry
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like sorry like sorry

Forgive me
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like forgive me forgive me

Find more similar lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.com/qt
But you can say baby
Baby can I hold you tonight
Maybe if I told you
the right words
At the right time you'd be mine

I love you
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like I love you I love you

~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 1:34 PM, September 7th (Friday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina, so sorry you're feeling this way.

(((Sabina)))

He's the one who's being juvenile and immature because (for whatever reason) he didn't like your honest answer to his question. IMO, I think you showed great class in your response. I would have been tempted to deal a low blow to that kind of question. What exactly did he want you to say I wonder?


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Sabina}}}}}

I'm sorry you're hurting.


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SA spouses)) ((Sabina))

I've missed a lot of posts.

My update: I'm gearing myself up for the weekend when my SIL and her OW come to visit. Emotions are running high, and I'm just hoping to make it through.

I know I've been depressed lately finding out about SIL. For me it just manifests itself as a cloud of depleting motivation over my head. Here's hoping I make it to the other side!


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Sabina)))))
I, too, am so sorry you're hurting.

Wednesday was our 25th anniversary, which we 'celebrated' by getting into an argument. I made the cardinal error of answering the following question honestly "where do you see us in 25 more years?" What did I say that set his majesty off? I said "I hope I'm in an honest relationship with no secrets and lies." OMG- that opened it up. You see, it turns out I'm juvenile and immature and act like a rebellious teenager and hold grudges. And I'm stuck. What set him off? I have a safe deposit box & my own accounts. *That*, ladies, makes me all of the previous descriptions- plus more. A safe deposit box and my own accounts.

I might be going out on a limb here, but THIS is the personality disorder, no???

That and the inability to say/feel sorry or express true remorse?

I've spent the last several months exploring STBX's personality disorder - and divorcing him of course. At first, my shock and horror all came from the sex addiction and the betrayal on D-Day September 14, 2011. It wasn't until recently that I've realized that the personality disorder (NPD in STBX's case) is the real problem here, and the SA probably stems from it in some way.

I wonder how many SAs with personality disorders are now represented on this thread? The disorders are so subtle sometimes, and the addicts/NPDs/BPDs are so clever and manipulative. It can take a long time to really understand what you're dealing with when you're dealing with a spouse with a BPD.

At any rate, if anyone here has a spouse that seems to show NO TRUE REMORSE for his actions, please google Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Amongst the old-timers here, I would say that more than half of our husbands have these disorders. It changes everything in terms of thinking about the sex addiction.

Sabina, thinking of you tonight.

Ghost, if you're out there somewhere, I'm thinking of you too.

(((Compartmented))) I owe you a PM.

xo,
Hope




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